Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Khane said:

Does this guy have any redeeming qualities? The more you share the more I wonder why you married him in the first place.

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Cutlery said:

What she's saying is she wasn't in the mood and he didn't care and went in dry.

And what you're saying is you're bad at sex too.

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Izo said:

You guys are making it challenging to fap.

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Izo said:

You guys are making it challenging to fap.

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Koushirou said:

No. He's still go no job. Hops online for 15min a day to throw a couple applications in to random WFH data entry jobs, which I imagine most of them are some scammy bullshit anyway. Still has no ideas for what to eventually do for an actual career. He doesn't want to go do retail again, but at this point I'm thinking "too fucking bad," he needs to get fucking something until he finds something better. It's one of the things that's always annoyed me, in that shit has to be perfect, or he won't do it. He won't look for a job unless it's WFH and like some $20-25/hr minimum. When we were looking around for a house, wouldn't consider anything that didn't have every single thing on his list. Shit like that. Literally no one in life is getting everything they want on the first iteration, you have to fucking work up to it, and this is just a foreign concept to him. He still helps around the house, but him not scooping cat boxes every night wasn't exactly the problem.

I've turned into a complete dumpster fire. I'm depressed as fuck, I'm sad all the time, I spend most of the day in bed, I can't stop fucking crying like a stupid pussy. I fucking hate myself. I feel trapped and just want this shit to be over, but at the same time I know I'm going to be miserable and alone afterwards. I've still been trying to...try for my part this month to at least say I did. Tried hanging out more in the living room with him, gone out on date nights to the local pinball bar, etc. Same thing as I've said before, though, there's no spark left in me for him. Still going to therapy, with the current goal of trying to make me not hate the way I look so much, which feels like an impossible task since I've always hated how I look even before I became a fatty. Not going to lie, I've glanced at my gun a couple times over the past week or so, though I've always been too pussy to do that shit.

Bonus WTF:

Spoiler

Friend online I've known for maybe 2 months has started coming onto me hard, which is something I've never really experienced before. The hell am I supposed to do with this? I've already told him multiple times, sorry, it's not going to go anywhere and tried my best to convince him of what a shitbox I am, but it's not working. He must have some bullshit idea of me stuck in his head that's not even close to reality, I guess. Not even finished dumpstering my marriage and now I've got to take a shit on a friend, too? What a stupid fucking problem to have, Jesus fucking Christ. I can’t stand the idea of having to hurt someone else already.

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Koushirou said:

Not an update, just a wall of general thoughts/ruminating/self-pity I feel like writing:

Spoiler

My therapy homework for the week was to just go out and do something just for myself other than some basic errand. Ended up going to Sweet Frog like a weirdo since I haven’t had froyo in forever, even though it was thirty degrees out. Felt pretty sad and pathetic sitting in there by myself. Went to a bookstore afterwards just to browse. Would find things that the husband would probably like and just wanted to text shit to him, but figure I won’t be able to do that anymore, soon. Shit legit made me start second guessing leaving. I’ve always felt experiences don’t really matter when there’s no one to share them with. Have really never done anything for myself, no outings just because, no solo vacations, etc. We didn’t get to take many vacations, but the ones we did were pretty much for his benefit. Took him to Boston because he’s big on history. Took him around to all the Civil War battlefields around MD. Went to Vegas one year for Christmas since that’s what he wanted to do, despite me being bored of it having been there so many times over the years. And every place we visit, we hit up damn near every distillery or speakeasy he finds. I barely drink since I hate the taste of alcohol. I always tried to do whatever I could to support his interests and hobbies. I never got that kind of support in return. Instead got shamed anytime I wanted to buy a new model kit, would scoff at any games I was into, made fun of music I liked, etc. He at least bought me an airbrush for Christmas one year, but only because there was a WH model he wanted me to paint for him. Sure, maybe my interests are dumb, but I never judged him for looking at and buying furry art, because that’s how I thought a wife should be; always supporting her husband. But now I’m also realizing that I’m not sure if it was ever really love or just me happy to have someone consistent so I didn’t have to be alone anymore, and of course, that makes me feel like a cunt for basically just using him for the past 10 years, even if it wasn’t my intent.

Since I got the standing desk, been setting up my walk pad underneath and use it on raid nights. Get about 2 hours of walking in 3-4 times a week right now. If the weather’s nice, I’ll go do a lap or two around my neighborhood for a 15/30min walk. I know it’s basic bitch shit, but better than nothing, I guess. Always fucking hated exercise, and even though I want to lose weight, it’s always so hard to motivate myself because weight loss isn’t going to fix my dumbass face. Even looking back on pics when I was 18 and in the best shape I’ve ever been before going into the Naval Academy, I still look like a fucking dork. That pic Izo posted (told you that fuck had it saved) is a decade old and I’ve probably got an extra 40-60 pounds on me since then. Been around this community for over 20 years and seen how people react to damn near every type of chick in existence. I know damn we’ll even if I lose the weight I’m sitting at a 3/10, maybe a 4 on a really good day, and only because I’m not like deformed or some shit. Even my husband basically never complimented me on my looks. Not that I would believe him if he did, but not even getting the little bullshitty loving comments still stung. He’d even dodge kissing me on the lips a lot and just went for the forehead. And then the recent not even being able to get him to fuck me or even just let me suck his damn dick was just brutal. There’s not been a single time in my life that I’ve ever been given a first glance like that, much less a second. Just feels so unlikely that it’ll ever happen with someone new. My other three relationships before this were all friends online that became more, all before ever knowing what I looked like. Suckered them in with my winning personality, I guess. I also seem to attract a shit type. First two relationships were dudes with no jobs, one who even in his 20s wouldn’t even get a driver’s license, not good looking (though I guess that’s just, the fuck are they calling it these days? Looksmatching?), didn’t really actually bring anything to the relationship, etc. Third one was a good looking guy who had his shit together. He ended up ghosting me after two years, couldn’t even give me a proper break-up. I at least had the balls to call mine on the phone to tell them it was over.

And when this is over, what the hell do you do with all the stuff? The pictures, the mementos, all the sentimental things. Throwing them away just seems harsh. Keeping them around just seems weird. I guess I just planned to say he could just take what he wanted and the rest I guess I’ll just put into storage or something? But for how long? It’s not like everything was miserable. I’m going to miss playing board games or just chilling on the couch going down the YouTube rabbit hole, doing Rock Band together, discovering some cool new local spot to eat at, etc. It fucking hurts to think that there’s not going to be any more of that. We get along fine in so many ways, just not in the ways that are actually important, I guess. Just everything about this fucking hurts. I’ve followed this thread since the beginning and was always horrified seeing all the shit guys went through due to absolute cunt women. I always wondered how the fuck those women could do the things they did to people they supposedly loved at some point. Always told myself I never, ever wanted to be like them, yet here I am feeling like I’m just another one of those cunts ruining some poor guy’s life.

Anyway, sorry for the bitching and rambling. Next Tuesday I bring him in to my therapist for our joint session and re-visit and I guess I’ll drop the hammer then. And then I guess will see what happens after. This week will probably blow.

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