Marriage and the Power of Divorce

a_skeleton_03_sl said:

I still to this day cannot understand people that are married and won't have all their money in a joint account because they can't trust their wife ....

Why are you with her then? Money is replaceable, her going apeshit in your life and wrecking it all with your heart and your kids ... that is what you will risk but not a few dollars?

Click to expand...

What does sharing a bank account have to do with trust? And "a few dollars"? You naive fool. There's no compelling reason to join bank accounts. None whatsoever. And if it does go south it makes everything that much more difficult. We try to do what's smart and reasonable in every aspect of our lives but if we do the same in our love lives we're untrusring and unromantic. Give me a break

Cad_sl said:

It's definitely a communication and trust issue but the fact is a lot of people don't trust their significant other and aren't very good communicators. These types of arrangements are the result.

Click to expand...

There's different ways to skin a cat. I'd agree that if you're married, probably the simplest solution is joint accounts. But some people might have particular reasons for keeping things somewhat separate. What really blows my mind, though, is when you hear about couples with separate finances that split absolutely every little cost of living 50/50 right down the middle, and then end up living vastly different lifestyle because one makes a lot more money than the other. I remember I was out with some friends years ago and picked up on a conversation a couple women were having about that. One of their husbands was on a vacation to Mexico or wherever, and had gone without the wife and kids because their family budget didn't have enough money to cover it, she couldn't afford to pay her half if it was just a couple's trip with the kids left behind, and so the husband fucked off on his own because he makes twice as much as her and had money in the bank. That's just fucked. I met the husband at some point later on, and he was one of the biggest douchebags I've met in a long time. So no surprise I guess.

Personally I gave the special lady friend a supplemental card on my Visa account last year to take care of groceries and other stuff as needed (when she moved in, the deal was supposed to be that she'd buy groceries but otherwise wouldn't pay for any utilities, condo fees, rent etc because she couldn't afford it. But soon she realized she'd struggle to do even that while also paying for her school tuition, car payment, insurance etc). She hardly spends money on anything non-essential, so I'm not concerned she'll go out and do anything stupid. I track all my finances with Quicken, so I'm a little concerned about how we'd integrate our finances in the future without fucking all that up. But that's more about my OCD than any true practical consideration. I'm pretty sure she still has no real idea how much money I have/make, since I don't really talk about it in specifics and don't throw it around, so she's worried that I will get upset if she spends anything on herself. Seeing as I spend about 10k a year on heli/cat skiing trips, I'd have to be a massive hypocrite to get upset at her for spending a few hundred bucks on a couple new outfits every now and again, or whatever.

The only thing that pisses me off is that she won't let me pay off her CC bills or car loan, so she's just pissing money away paying interest that I'm having to make up for. It's really short sighted, but she wants to feel like she's still somewhat financial independent I guess, and it's not really worth the fight.

My wife and I don't have joint accounts mainly because we're too lazy to open a joint account. We both have full time jobs and we both make good money. If either of us needed cash the other would give it to them. Joint accounts seems like something that is really only necessary if the finances are weighted to one side.

Eomer_sl said:

The only thing that pisses me off is that she won't let me pay off her CC bills or car loan, so she's just pissing money away paying interest that I'm having to make up for. It's really short sighted, but she wants to feel like she's still somewhat financial independent I guess, and it's not really worth the fight.

Click to expand...

Yeah my wife (gf at the time but living together maybe 2 years) had some CC debt that I learned about so I gave her a loan. It made no sense to pay the retarded interest rates on CC. I told her just pay me back whatever she was paying but this is interest free.

stupidmonkey_sl said:

How long until you started this when you were dating? This sounds like a good way to lose all your money very quickly.

We used to have kids come in and always put their girlfriend/boyfriend on their cell account and that always went very badly. "Oh, we've been dating for 2 months, better add her/him onto this contract for the next 2 years that I won't be able to terminate without penalty. Plus, now they have all my social security info so they can access the account. God, everything's so awesome what could go wrong?"

Click to expand...

About a year in we started it. We started by having separate accounts and pooling some money together into a joint account for common bills since we were living together. When we got engaged we did a full switch to joint. I made no money so it didn't matter.

a_skeleton_03_sl said:

Why is there no compelling reason for a joint bank account?

Only one of you living in the house? using the utilities? are you making separate dinners? paying for repairs separately? what if only one of you has a job?

You are ridiculous man. Your lack of trust of anything with a vagina is well known on this forum. You aren't exactly a model partner in a relationship.

Click to expand...

I just don't see how having a joint bank account is a necessity. You don't need a joint bank account to split your bills and costs of living.

I've never had joint bank accounts with my roommates and things worked out just fine.

Khane_sl said:

I just don't see how having a joint bank account is a necessity. You don't need a joint bank account to split your bills and costs of living.

Click to expand...

I think that's kind of the point people are getting at. When you say "split your bills and costs of living", do you mean splitting everything 50/50 regardless of earning power disparity? If you were in a marriage or long term relationship, how would you handle it if you were making significantly more than your significant other? Still splitting down the middle? If not, how would you split things then?

With separate accounts there could well be a tendency for each side of that equation to feel like there's "their" money, and the other person's money. And that just doesn't seem like what a marriage should be like, to me anyway.

Eomer_sl said:

I think that's kind of the point people are getting at. When you say "split your bills and costs of living", do you mean splitting everything 50/50 regardless of earning power disparity? If you were in a marriage or long term relationship, how would you handle it if you were making significantly more than your significant other? Still splitting down the middle? If not, how would you split things then?

With separate accounts there could well be a tendency for each side of that equation to feel like there's "their" money, and the other person's money. And that just doesn't seem like what a marriage should be like, to me anyway.

Click to expand...

I don't mean splitting everything 50/50. I mean split cost of living (housing, utilities, things like that) and then have conversations about what you want to do together and how to pay for it. We've had these discussions before. I think everyone here knows I think it's bullshit for someone to say "well I don't make as much as you so you should pay x percentage more than I do for our house" UNLESS the person who makes more is dead set on living a certain lifestyle and unwilling to come to an agreement on what's affordable as a couple, to live. Vacations, discretionary spending, etc? Talk about it.

I mean, that conversation about the man leaving his wife and kids at home to go on vacation alone? That's kinda fucked up. I wouldn't take it to that extreme. Because if you don't want to go on vacation with your family you probably shouldn't still be married.

Having a joint bank account doesn't alleviate any of these issues though. You still have to agree on finances whether you share a bank account or not.

The bills have never been 50/50 with us. I've always made more than her. Recently it has shrunk but I'm still over her by about 20k. So I pay more. And by more I mean almost everything except for groceries which totals maybe $450-$500 a month. But mortgage, gas, electric, water, garbage, cable ... it all goes to me. Which is fine I'm not complaining but anyone realistic will have this kind of arrangement. My best friend did as well when his GF who was in her remaining years of getting her doctorate moved in. She couldn't realistically pay 50/50.

Adults can deal with this kind of stuff. It isn't hard. I can see the benefits of joint bank accounts but like I said the only time I'd say it is necessary is if you have children and one person makes substantially more than the other. It isn't like my wife and I don't have joint accounts because I don't trust her. Fuck I spend more on random shit than she does anyways.

Tenks_sl said:

The bills have never been 50/50 with us. I've always made more than her. Recently it has shrunk but I'm still over her by about 20k. So I pay more. And by more I mean almost everything except for groceries which totals maybe $450-$500 a month. But mortgage, gas, electric, water, garbage, cable ... it all goes to me. Which is fine I'm not complaining but anyone realistic will have this kind of arrangement. My best friend did as well when his GF who was in her remaining years of getting her doctorate moved in. She couldn't realistically pay 50/50.

Adults can deal with this kind of stuff. It isn't hard. I can see the benefits of joint bank accounts but like I said the only time I'd say it is necessary is if you have children and one person makes substantially more than the other. It isn't like my wife and I don't have joint accounts because I don't trust her. Fuck I spend more on random shit than she does anyways.

Click to expand...

So you agree with me

One account because we make money and pay bills as a team. Its not about trust (I already trust her as evidenced by the ring) its about efficiency and economy's of scale. I can do more with one big account then 2 smaller ones, especially if I need to guess at what's going on in one of the two smaller accounts.

gashes can't be trusted, obviously.

a_skeleton_03_sl said:

All of this.

Khane you say there is no reason to have joint accounts, what are the reasons to not have one?

Click to expand...

Because you can do everything you've all said a joint account affords with separate accounts, but if you have joint accounts and things go sour is makes separating finances much easier.