The Writing Thread - Post Shit You've Written (And Criticize What's Posted)

Discussion in 'Book House' started by Himeo, Jan 28, 2013.

  1. Himeo Well-Known Member

    Himeo
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    Thread title explains it all (Yes, I fucked up "critique".). Post shit you've written in spoiler tags. Try to keep it to a reasonable length. By posting here you're opening yourself up to critique. Before you critique someone else, you have to post some of your own shit in the thread.

    That's the system.

    ------------------

    Writing Sample:

    On my walk home from work I saw a group of Feminists protesting at a park. I'm not trying to pick on Feminists. I have nothing against them. But they were protesting there and I stopped to listen to their message. I kind of felt like it was my fault they were out there, being a man and all, so why not hear them out? It's only fair.

    I tried to listen to what they were saying but it didn't make sense to me. I'm not very smart, being a man and all, but I knew they were angry or passionate or just there for solidarity. Those seemed like good reasons for protesting.

    I'd like to make the story more interesting by saying one of them confronted me. But that didn't happen. I just listened for as long as I could before my mind started wandering to a couple of weeks back when a telemarketer called me after dinner. It's not a fair comparison but, being a man and all, it's what I thought of. I'm just being honest. So the telemarketer had the answer to a problem I didn't know I had and these Feminists had the answer to a problem I didn't I had either. That's all. I'm not saying the Feminists wanted money from me, I'm not even sure if they'd take it. They never asked for money, at least.

    Anyway, there's this saying in the Tao de Ching, "Those who know do not speak. Those who speak do not know." It's one of those eastern wisdom pretzels that look like it says nothing, tries to say everything, and end's up saying something despite itself. But I'm not a monk living in a forest. I'm just a working guy standing in a park with a crowd of women. So I walked up to one of the leaders of the protest. An older women with regal grey hair, and big hollywood sunglasses, the kind that used to be in fashion a couple decades ago. I walked up to her and I asked if I could giver her a hug.
     
  2. Archangel_sl shitlord

    Archangel_sl
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    Can we ask that the posters specify what manner of feedback/critique/evaluation they desire? I edit and read material all day long; shifting from red-pen mode to casual assessment would be easier if I knew ahead of time. I'm sure that applies to everyone-- we wouldn't want to shred someone unduly if they just wanted a "Wow, that seems like a really rockin' concept!" And equally, if we (as readers) just say "I liked it, that was cool," when the poster is wanting something more in-depth.

    And do you want critiques spoilered the way you spoilered your text, or do we just not give a fuck? :p

    -----------------

    EDIT: I've read it, and am ready to convey opinions. Just tell me what sort of feedback you like, and I shall do my best to meet your expectations! smile.png Thanks!
     
  3. Himeo Well-Known Member

    Himeo
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    I'm open to whatever feedback you have.

    Also, because you're a professional, how does your editing/revision process work? What steps do you take after the first draft is done? That's equally interesting to me.
     
  4. Lenas Tread Lightly DONOR

    Lenas
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    I would post something that I'd written, but I never write shit frown.png One honest critique towards your blurb though is that you should use punctuation other than periods sometimes. I also thought, being a man and all, that the level of repetition was maybe a little much.
     
  5. Archangel_sl shitlord

    Archangel_sl
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    My apologies for delay. Life, and all that. *ahem*

    I'll start with your question, first:

    If I am assessing someone's work, I generally read the item three times. The first, I read it as the piece is intended: as a reader. I will force myself to read the work through without adjustment, even if the work is disastrous. Which, sadly, happens more than you'd like to know. After the initial read through, I will take a break no longer than 24 hours before I sit down with my pens to make the appropriate notations. When my editing is finished, I will set the work aside for at least a week, and move to another piece, continuing on. When I return to the work, I am able to approach it with a fresh mind and new eyes and see if I was unduly harsh, or make further adjustments, and will then write up my assessment and recommendations. This whole process will vary slightly depending on the form and style of what I have to edit--I take a longer secondary break for novels, whilst short technical articles may require further stylistic research than an anecdotal short story.

    For my own work, I think I tend to take the worst of my editorial traits and put them into the creative process, sometimes letting my worry over making sure all the foreshadowing is correct in place, when I haven't even written the part where it is supposed to pay off. I don't outline more than three or four chapters ahead, although I *always* have the the ending set before I begin. It's a freaky little thing I do: I start from the "happy ending" and work backwards to see how these people/places/events came to be where they are now. Often, I finish writing the middle/end before I give the characters the beginning they properly deserve. I know my process is a bit odd, but every author has their own quirks. I know some who have every single chapter outlined before they start the first sentence, and others who just throw characters together, and talk to themselves the entire time they write!

    Now, onward to your snippet, with thanks for your patience:

    -----------------------------------------------

    (#9)

    -----------------------

    Notations:

    Feminists? Unnecessary capitalization. Unless this excerpt is part of a larger piece in which ?Feminists? are an actual organization, or a titular rank within an organization, just referring to a woman who is an activist for female rights is simply a ?feminist.?

    #1: Tone ? Your first sentences set a conversational tone, rather than that of a neutral observer. This set-up sounds as if you are about to tell a joke to someone, or relate an anecdote of your day. Is this the tone you are looking for? IF you are going for a humorous tone, I would consider more rustic language, such as ?I ain?t got nothin??? etc.

    #2: ?But? is widely considered to contradict whatever precedes it; in this case, your professed apathy towards feminists. Now, your anecdotal tone has become adversarial.

    #3: The informal language use here supports notation 1, above. Always strive for a consistent tone.

    #4: This piece can be told from a gender-neutral point of view. Is your gender identity critical to the anecdote?

    #5: Fair in what reference? Where is the comparison? If it is related to your male gender, how is listening the fee that balances out being male? It would need to be clear if male identity is kept.

    #6: I wouldn?t waste time editing the underlined areas, but completely delete passage between the #6s instead. This passage is very poorly written, and that?s the nicest thing I can say about it. The ideas are scattered and convoluted, have little to do with each other, or with any point you seemed to want to make in the beginning. Get rid of it all, and find a way to join the person watching the rally with the final sentences where the narrator approaches the old man.

    #7: Hollywood is a real place, and should be capitalized even when used, in this case, as an adjective to describe something unique to its place of origin.

    #8: Making the corrections suggested in #6, you would need to take care that you found and demonstrated to the reader that there is a legitimate reason for the desire for a hug. It is entirely too random to make any sense otherwise.

    #9: Is this an actual excerpt from something, or was it just a stream-of-consciousness mini-essay? Just curious smile.png

    -----------------------------

    So there you go. That's what I do--it's often not pretty, and sometimes doesn't sound very nice, but someone has to do the dirty work, and I *always* want to help the story/article be the very best that it can be. smile.png

    Have I scared everyone away now, or would anyone else like a critique? biggrin.png
     
  6. Archangel_sl shitlord

    Archangel_sl
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    ...hmm, so it seems I really *have* frightened people away! This is why editors' friends are usually clients, writing partners, or other editors. We are easily interpreted as meanies.
     
  7. Himeo Well-Known Member

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    Not at all! I don't have anything to contribute right now but you've given me a lot of material to work with. biggrin.png
     

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  8. Drinsic privileged shitlord DONOR

    Drinsic
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    Archangel are you a lesbian?
     
  9. Archangel_sl shitlord

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    Not that it has anything to do with this conversation, but no. Pretty strange question in a thread about writing and editing.
     
  10. Archangel_sl shitlord

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    Anytime! Happy to be of assistance, and more than happy to answer any questions you may have smile.png
     

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  11. Drinsic privileged shitlord DONOR

    Drinsic
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    I still think you're a lesbian.
     
  12. faille Active Member

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    Great feedback there Arch,

    Here's my submission to keep the thread going.
    Still trying to find a good title for it though.

    It had been a long week but finally they were finished. They had worked hard but had got everything done. Now it was time for some rest and relaxation.
    Michael suggested a game. It had been eons since they had last played and despite how that one had ended, he felt like it was time for them to give it another go.

    The others considered the proposal and after due consideration agreed with him. They still remembered how the last one ended, like so many before it but were happy to put it behind them and joined Michael.

    Everything was ready for them to begin playing, all they had to do was decide which races they would play. Some of them were happy to experiment and play ones they hadn?t tried before, such as Gabriel who chose to Fish this time, while others stuck to the ones they?d always played.

    At first, the game was quite uneventful. They each focused on developing their own units and expanding their spheres of influence. Beginning with simple starting units, they worked to develop them into increasingly more sophisticated ones. This could be as simple as working towards making units that were bigger and more powerful, or ones that were more efficient in performing specific tasks. Many of the units weren?t actually wanted but were created simply because they were a link in the chain that led to the truly desired ones.

    Of course, each of them had their own playing styles and philosophies on how to win. Michael had chosen to play Insects, and set about making them diverse and numerous. The drawback was that he had to keep them quite small, something that the others teased him about. He didn?t care though since he was able to spread them everywhere and their small size meant they were too much trouble for the others to stamp out. He knew he couldn?t use them to confront the others directly but he was happy to play the long game. Slow and steady was his plan and with a little bit of luck, he?d be able to outlast them all. He was worried about the Mammals though since they tended to excel later in the game but chances are that one of the others would eliminate them before they became too strong.

    Samael had chosen to play Reptiles, as he always did, and proceeded to develop them at a breakneck speed. He didn?t care that they were one of the easiest races to play, he only cared about winning. They had a much more limited potential and could be easily overtaken but his plan was to eliminate the others before that happened. He pushed ahead ruthlessly, claiming as much territory as he could by using his superior starting power to push the others back. While he was a careful player, focusing on maximum gain with minimal effort, he did take a certain pleasure in attacking any pockets of Mammals that he discovered, much to the annoyance of their controller.

    It was against Raphael that Samael made his first decisive move. Raphael had thought that choosing Avians would allow him to stay aloft from any squabbles occurring on the ground. Samael was determined not to allow him any time to build up and so he started developing some of his Reptile units into ones that could fly. Soon the air was awash with wings and claws battering into each other, with only feathers and scales to tell which side was which.

    Samael knew that he couldn?t make much headway against them in their natural environment but his goal was to keep Raphael occupied and too busy to develop a force that might challenge him later. It worked perfectly and Raphael expended most of his efforts holding off the Reptiles that were sent against him. What little offensive moves he could make were directed towards the even worse off Mammals, adding himself to the list of recipients getting angry glares.

    Next to attract Samael?s attention was Uriel, who had thought that choosing Amphibians would give him the flexibility of competing on both land and sea. Unfortunately, it also meant being vulnerable on two fronts. When Gabriel saw the attack from the land, he sent his Fish to attack from the sea. Uriel was squished between them and soon all he had left were a few units hopping around, reduced to even less of a threat than the Mammals.

    Having eliminated Uriel, it was only a matter of time before Gabriel and Samael would confront each other. The game was certain to come down to these two. Having already been successful in adapting his Reptiles, he set to work developing ones that could swim. That didn?t stop him from taking delightful pleasure in slaughtering yet another group of Mammals that he had discovered and grinning smugly.

    That was the final straw though, and an Almighty scream reverberated through them all. A meteor took form before their eyes before it was flung down into the game. When it impacted, fire and brimstone were unleashed, spreading across the globe and obliterating everyone?s units.
    They all reacted calmly to this outburst, having seen it many times before.

    ?God, you?re such a sore loser,? Samael said as they all started to leave the game. Dust and debris covered the globe, blocking the sun from the few surviving life forms below. It would be an age before they could play again.
     
  13. Archangel_sl shitlord

    Archangel_sl
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    Initial read through: very intriguing concept. Is this meant as a stand-alone preface, or an excerpt, or one of those pieces where you sit down to write and discover where you are going when you get there? (Often, those are the best kind of writing sessions! smile.png )

    Proper feedback shortly, as I described above smile.png
     

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  14. Archangel_sl shitlord

    Archangel_sl
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    Here you go, Faille smile.png Thanks so much for your patience-- I hope this helps with what you were looking for smile.png

    ----------

    Okay, hullo! I've thought a lot about this in the past few days, and I'm actually thankful you asked for just general impressions and suggestions, rather than in-depth assessment. Not because the writing is "bad" and it would be difficult, but because (as suggested by my User Name,) I have a strong interested in celestial and infernal mythology. I would be digging into your choices of Power to Power, etc.but that is not where we are going to go today! *laughs*

    1): I didn't appreciate the opening sentence until I finished the whole piece. It could be refined to be much stronger, and still be vague and not give everything away.

    2) Tone. Your tone-or voice, depending on where you live-is very unstable and sterile. You assume a 3rd person point of view, and then switch to total omniscient, and back and forth and tangled amongst each other so that it is difficult for the reader to "fit inside"of the narrator. Finding a fit for the reader is *essential*: if the reader can't feel like he is part of the story, even just as an observer, then he isn't going to buy your book, or read further.

    3) It sounds, truly, as if you are trying to narrate a game of Starcraft in the beginning, where they are all choosing their units and races. It makes the piece very hollow, no matter how intriguing the idea behind it is. I can almost imagine this being a story overheard in the gaming hall of a convention at 4 a.m. on the last day, when everyone is frustrated and over-tired.

    4) The narrator tells us that several of the Angels choose races and species "as the always did", but you don't tell us what those reasons are-I think those reasons could add dramatically to the story.

    5) Some hint about God should be in there before "Almighty scream," to let us know that God is watching, and unhappy with his Angels'games. (Like Santa watching the reindeer, heheh.) Samael's last sentence should be "God is such a sore loser," because it is unclear whom he is addressing, or referring to, in the previous phrasing.

    I'm going to stop there, save to say again that I like the concept very much, but this needs a lot of work not to sound like a sterile description of a video game with just word-replacements. I know your intent is that God is a rage-quitting noob to have killed the dinosaurs, but it's just too thinly veiled in the snippet, and could be much more lush and intriguing.

    Again, I hope this meets what you asked for, and that it can help you out. Please feel free to message me anytime at all! biggrin.png
     
  15. Lightning Lord Rule Well-Known Member

    Lightning Lord Rule
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    I'm pretty sure God wasn't watching, he was playing the side of the mammals. Since he's God, and his mammals were losing, he basically "upended the board" in a fit and suspended the game. The hint for this is that it is never mentioned who is playing mammals, but all the other species are mentioned as being played by an angel.

    I think the Starcraft thing is intentional. Granted you are right in that if you aren't familiar with things like Starcraft or role playing games this angle might not make sense. If you are familiar with those things it could be seen as interesting. It is true that by keeping this angle you are limiting the story's potential interest to a narrow audience (gaming nerds).

    Not talking about the Angels choosing races as they always have is taking a chance that people are familiar with the names of the angels and their respective natures. Since the author is using the names of archangels that are familiar to many people who are familiar with Christianity this is a probably a good bet.

    Other than that I'd agree with your critique. Interesting little short story, Faille.
     
  16. Sylverlokk Well-Known Member DONOR

    Sylverlokk
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    I haven't done any writing in a long time, but when I was younger I wrote a few short stories about games I played. They are too long to post here but if anyone is interested they are posted on a friends page.

    The first was from the EQ beta, the first MMO game beta I ever participated in. It started as me collecting lots of pics and talking about the world and evolved into a story of my first cross continent run with fictional elements added. Pics are still embedded in the story.

    http://www.rutan-guild.com/silverloc...bensworld.html

    The second story was set in the World of Sanctuary, which for those who don?t know is the world which the Blizzard game series Diablo takes place in. At the time I wrote this the only in game geography extensively visited was Tristram, with generic mention of the homelands of the first games Mage, Rogue and Warrior classes thrown in. So I made up a city, Talisman and wrote a story about it. This story takes place in the City of Talisman, along the Mudwater River on the opposite edge of the continent from the town of Tristam and years before the events occurring in the storyline of Diablo. Talisman would have been about where Lut Gholien is in the modern Sanctuary world. It is primarily an introduction to my two primary characters in Diablo, Silverlock the mage and The Vixen (Jade), but also contains references to the rampant cheating in the original Diablo (Demonspike coat anyone?) and the frequent playerkilling in public games (ears as trophies). The story is made up of 8 chapters detailing the 7 days in the week and an epilogue.

    Both these stories are crude and the second is "pulp" like.

    http://www.rutan-guild.com/silverloc...n/Starday.html
     
  17. Tortfeasor Active Member

    Tortfeasor
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    Some legal writing I did a few years back when I was a litigator

    DISTRICT COURT
    CLARK COUNTY, NEVADA
    SERGIO HARON, an individual, and HIRMIS HARON, d/b/a STEWART MARKET,

    Plaintiffs,

    vs.

    NEVADA STATE BANK, a Nevada corporation, SMITH'S FOOD AND DRUG CENTERS, INC., an Ohio corporation, DONAHUE SCHRIBER REALTY GROUP, L.P. a Delaware limited partnership; and DOES I-X and ROES I through X,

    Defendants.
    CASE NO. A543705
    DEPT NO.: XVII


    DEFENDANT SMITH'S FOOD & DRUG CENTERS, INC.'S MOTION FOR PARTIAL SUMMARY JUDGMENT ON ALL CLAIMS ASSERTED BY PLAINTIFFS AGAINST SMITH'S

    DATE OF HEARING:
    TIME OF HEARING:

    AND RELATED ACTIONS.


    COMES NOW Defendant SMITH'S FOOD & DRUG CENTERS, INC. by and through its counsel of record, JERRY S. BUSBY, ESQ. of the law firm COOPER LEVENSON APRIL NIEDELMAN & WAGENHEIM, P.A., and hereby moves this Honorable Court for Partial Summary Judgment on all Claims Asserted by Plaintiffs against Smith's. This Motion is made pursuant to and based upon the dictates of the Nevada Rules of Civil Procedure, Rule 56(c) in that there are no genuine issues of material fact and Defendant SMITH'S FOOD AND DRUG CENTERS, INC. is entitled to judgment as a matter of law.

    Further, this Motion is made and based upon all of the files and records on file herein, the Memorandum of Points and Authorities and upon such other and further oral and documentary evidence as the Court may allow at the hearing on said Motion.

    NOTICE OF MOTION
    TO: SERGIO HARON, Plaintiff;
    TO: GERALD I. GILLOCK, ESQ., Attorney for Plaintiff;
    PLEASE TAKE NOTICE that Defendant SMITH'S FOOD AND DRUG CENTERS, INC. will bring the foregoing MOTION FOR SUMMARY JUDGMENT on for hearing before the above-entitled Court in Department XIII, on the _______ day of , 2009, at a.m., or as soon thereafter as counsel may be heard.
    Dated this 15th day of June, 2009.

    COOPER LEVENSON APRIL NIEDELMAN & WAGENHEIM, P.A
    By Jerry S. Busby
    Nevada Bar #001107
    900 South Fourth Street
    Las Vegas, Nevada 89101
    Attorneys for Defendant
    SMITH'S FOOD AND DRUG CENTERS, INC.

    STATEMENT OF FACTS MATERIAL TO THE DISPOSITION OF THIS MOTION
    1. On October 15, 2005 Plaintiff SERGIO HARON was shot in the parking lot located at 450 N. Nellis Blvd., Las Vegas, NV. (See XIV of the First Cause of Action in PLAINTIFF'S COMPLAINT).
    2.Defendant SMITH'S FOOD & DRUG CENTERS, INC. has never owned any of the property located at 450 N. Nellis Blvd., Las Vegas, NV. At the time of the shooting, the property located at 450 N. Nellis was owned by Defendant DONAHUE SCHRIBER REALTY GROUP, L.P. (See grant deeds attached as Exhibits 'A' and 'B')
    3. Prior to the shooting on October 12, 2005 Defendant SMITH'S FOOD & DRUG CENTERS, INC. had entered into a lease agreement with Defendant DONAHUE SCHRIBER REALTY GROUP, L.P. to rent building space at 450 N. Nellis Blvd. in order to operate a grocery store. (See affidavit of Charlotte Wightman which includes a copy of lease agreement attached as Exhibit 'C'.)
    4. Under the express terms of the lease agreement, Defendant SMITH'S FOOD & DRUG CENTERS, INC. leases only a portion of the premises located 450 N. Nellis Blvd. from the owner, namely, the building in which the grocery store currently operates. (See section 1 of lease agreement attached as Exhibit 'C')
    5.Under the express terms of the lease agreement, the parking lot area of 450 N. Nellis Blvd. is a "Common Facility" which is maintained and controlled by the lessor, who at the time was Defendant DONAHUE SCHRIBER REALTY GROUP, L.P. (See section 9 of lease agreement attached as Exhibit 'C').

    Dated this 15th day of June, 2009.
    COOPER LEVENSON APRIL NIEDELMAN & WAGENHEIM, P.A.
    By
    Jerry S. Busby
    Nevada Bar #001107
    900 South Fourth Street
    Las Vegas, Nevada 89101
    Attorneys for Defendant
    SMITH'S FOOD AND DRUG CENTERS, INC.



    MEMORANDUM OF POINTS AND AUTHORITIES

    I.
    STATEMENT OF FACTS
    Plaintiff Sergio Haron is an employee of his father, Plaintiff Hermis Haron d/b/a Stewart Market, which is located at 2021 Stewart Ave., Las Vegas, NV 89101. Among other things, Stewart Market runs a lucrative check cashing business. This check cashing business requires very large amounts of cash to distribute to individuals cashing checks at the Stewart Market premises. To meet the business needs of Stewart Market, Plaintiff was required to withdraw up to $140,000 in cash from Nevada State Bank four times a week. (See Deposition of Sergio Haron, pages 30-31 attached hereafter as Exhibit 'D'). Plaintiffs would regularly withdraw over half of a million dollars in cash every single week for the several years that they owned the business. However, despite the consistent and predictable need for incredibly large sums of cash and despite earning huge profits, Plaintiffs never saw fit to invest in an armored car service. (Deposition of Hermis Haron, page 100 attached hereafter as Exhibit 'E'). Instead, Plaintiffs would personally carry all this cash from the bank to Stewart Market in a hand-carried bag. (Id. at pages 105-106).
    The incident that gave rise to this suit occurred just after Plaintiff had withdrawn $104,000 in cash from the Nevada State Bank located inside of the grocery store operated by Defendant SMITH'S FOOD & DRUG CENTERS, INC. (hereafter "SMITH'S") and located in the shopping center at 450 N. Nellis, Las Vegas, NV 89101. At approximately 1:00 pm on Saturday, October 15, 2005, Plaintiff left Nevada State Bank, exited the Smith's grocery store, and walked toward his car in the parking lot while carrying $104,000 in a laptop computer carrier. (Exhibit 'D' page 37). When Plaintiff arrived at his car, he tossed the bag containing the money onto the front passenger seat. Before he shut the car door, he was accosted by two men. One of these men demanded that he hand over the bag. Plaintiff refused and there was a physical struggle while the two assailants tried to reach the bag. One of the assailants pulled out a pistol, but Plaintiff wrestled it out of his hand knocking it to the ground. One assailant was able to reach the gun and then shot Plaintiff in the chest. (Id. at pages 41- 56). The two assailants made off with the bag of cash. It is undisputed that all of this occurred in the parking lot in front of Smiths' grocery store. (Id. at 39).

    II.
    LEGAL ARGUMENT
    A. SUMMARY JUDGMENT IS APPROPRIATE WHEN THERE ARE NO GENUINE ISSUES OF MATERIAL FACT AND MOVANT IS ENTITLED TO JUDGMENT AS A MATTER OF LAW
    NRCP 56(b) provides, in pertinent part, that a party against whom a claim is asserted may, at any time, move for summary judgment in his favor. NRCP 56(c) provides that "judgment shall be entered forthwith if the pleadings, depositions, answers to interrogatories, and admissions on file, together with affidavits, if any, show that there is no genuine issue of material fact and that the moving party is entitled to a judgment as a matter of law."
    In Collins v. Union Fed. Savings & Loan, 99 Nev. 284, 302 (1983), the Nevada Supreme Court held:
    Although a party opposing a motion for summary judgment is entitled to all favorable inferences from the pleadings and documentary evidence, citation omitted, the opposing party is not entitled to build a case on the gossamer threads of whimsy, speculation and conjecture. Citation omitted.
    The non-moving party must demonstrate the existence of a genuine issue of material fact. Elizabeth E. v. ADT Security Systems West, 108 Nev. 889, 892 (1992). The non-moving party cannot rely on the "mere hope" that he will be able to discredit the movant's evidence at trial. Hickman v. Meadow Wood Reno, 96 Nev. 782 (1980).
    In his Complaint, Plaintiff has pled that (1) Smith's had control over the parking lot in which he was shot; (2) Smith's owed Plaintiff a duty of reasonable care; (3) Smith's negligently and carelessly controlled that parking lot; and (4) that Smith's negligence caused his injury. As will be shown below, there are no genuine issues of material fact that would preclude the granting of Summary Judgment to Smith's on all causes of action alleged in Plaintiff's Complaint.

    B. SMITH'S IS ENTITLED TO SUMMARY JUDGMENT ON THE ISSUE OF CONTROL OVER THE PARKING LOT.
    Defendant Smith's and Co-Defendant DONAHUE SCHRIBER REALTY GROUP, L.P. (hereafter "DSRG") had entered into a real estate lease agreement (hereafter "agreement") for the premises on which Plaintiff was shot and robbed of his money. In the agreement, Smith's is the Lessee and DSRG is the Lessor. The lease states, in pertinent part, the following:

    9. PARKING AND COMMON FACILITIES AND EXPENSES
    9.01 The term "Common Facilities" shall include the parking areas.
    9.02 The parties agree that the areas reserved for parking. will be maintained as such during the term of this Lease by Lessor
    9.03 Lessee shall pay its prorata portion of . the cost of liability, fire and extended coverage insurance.

    Said agreement is contained in Exhibit 'C'. The agreement only grants Smith's dominion and control over their leased premises. (See, generally, section 1 of the lease contained in Exhibit 'C' which describes the portions of the property leased by SMITH'S). The common facilities itemized in section 9.01 are not under Smith's control. Rather they are under the complete control and dominion of DSRG as is outlined by section 9.02. This is further evidenced by section 9.03 which requires Smith's to pay DSRG a portion of the cost of liability insurance to be procured by DSRG. It is undisputed that Smith's paid its prorata portion of the "Operating Costs" for maintaining liability insurance on the parking area. Therefore, according to the agreement between Smith's and DSRG, the parking area in which Plaintiff was shot and robbed was not under the dominion or control of Smith's, rather it was under the dominion or control of DSRG. Thus, Summary Judgment on this issue is appropriate.

    C. SMITH'S DUTY TO PLAINTIFF DID NOT EXTEND BEYOND THE BOUNDARIES OF ITS STORE WHICH WAS UNDER ITS DOMINION AND CONTROL.

    Under Nevada law, a business owner's duty to protect an invited guest from injury caused by a third person is preempted by the reasonable foreseeability of the third person's actions and injuries resulting therefrom. Doud v. Las Vegas Hilton Corp. 109 Nev. 1096, 864 P.2d 796 (Nev, 1993). Moreover, a business owner does not owe a duty to an individual to protect them from injuries caused by a third person when said injuries do not occur on the property that is under its dominion and control. Scialabba v. Brandise Construction Co., 112 Nev. 965, 921 P.2d 928 (Nev. 1996). In Scialabba, the Plaintiff was attacked at her apartment by another resident of the apartment complex who hid in an adjacent vacant apartment. The door to the vacant apartment was left unlocked by an agent of the defendant, the construction company who had been doing work there. The Scialabba Court reaffirmed its holding in Doud regarding the duty of a land owner/occupier to prevent harm from the actions of a third person. Additionally, the Court defines the location where such a duty may arise. On this point the court held:
    Thus, whether BBC owes Scialabba a duty of care turns on whether it exercised control over the premises and whether the criminal attack was foreseeable. (italics added).

    The Court properly concluded that the defendant owed a duty to Scialabba as a matter of law because (1) it exercised control over the premises, and (2) the failure to lock the doors to the vacant apartments created a foreseeable risk of criminal activity and harm to Scialabba.
    Additionally, other jurisdictions that have been confronted with the issue of whether a business owner's duty to protect an individual extends beyond its property are in accord with the Scialabba Court. In Balard v. Bassman Event Sec., Inc., 210 Cal. App.3d 243, 246 (Cal. Ct. App. 1989), a restaurant patron brought suit against a restaurant and a security guard company hired to provide security services to the restaurant after she was attacked by third parties on a public street outside the restaurant. Apparently, while plaintiff was in the process of entering the restaurant she was verbally harassed by a group of inebriated men in a car. The woman reported the matter to a security guard stationed outside of the restaurant. The security guard took no action. The men in the car then parked across the street. Later that evening, the woman was kidnapped and sexually assaulted by the men in the car.
    The assailant filed an action against the security guard company arguing that it had a duty to protect her from the assault by either warning her of the danger or by taking some action to ward away the group of intoxicated men. The court, in assessing whether the security guard company owed the plaintiff such a duty, applied premises liability law. Id.at 248. The California Court of Appeals affirmed the trial court's granting of demurer brought by the defendants. It held that any duty owed by the security guard company to plaintiff regarding third party criminal activity was confined to the premises of the restaurant. Id. At 250. The Court affirmed its holding in Steinmetz v. Stockton City Chamber of Commerce (169 Cal.App.3d 1142 (Cal Ct. App. 1985)) when it stated that duty will not be imposed "for injuries to an invitee from criminal activity occurring off the landowner's premises." Id. at 247. See also Southland Corp. v. Superior Ct., 203 Cal.App.3d 656,666 (Call Ct. App. 1988) where the absence of control has been unequivocally established, no basis for finding a duty or imposing liability exists.

    CONCLUSION
    In order for Plaintiff to prevail on his cause of action for negligence he must sustain his burden of proof on all of the elements of negligence. As noted in Perez v. Las Vegas Medical Center, 107 Nev. 1, 805 P.2d 589 (1991), the elements of a negligence cause of action include the defendant owing the plaintiff a duty of care.
    In the case at bar, in order for Smith's to have owed a duty to Plaintiff, two conditions must be met; (1) Defendants exercised control over the premises where the injuries occurred; and (2) The criminal attack against Plaintiff was foreseeable. Failure of either condition requires a finding that no duty existed. According to the lease agreement between Smith's and DSRG, the parking lot was not under Smith's dominion or control. Thus, according to Nevada law, Smith's did not owe a duty to Plaintiff when he was mugged in the parking lot. Therefore, Smith's is entitled to Summary Judgment as a matter of law. Accordingly, Defendant respectfully prays this Honorable Court to grant its motion for Summary Judgment.

    Dated this 29th day of January, 2009.
    COOPER LEVENSON APRIL NIEDELMAN & WAGENHEIM, P.A.
    By
    Jerry S. Busby
    Nevada Bar #001107
    900 South Fourth Street
    Las Vegas, Nevada 89101
    Attorneys for Defendant
    SMITH'S FOOD AND DRUG CENTERS, INC.
     
  18. Archangel_sl shitlord

    Archangel_sl
    Joined:
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    Legal writing...I tip my hat to you, sir! I have always struggled with things like legal, biomed, scientific, etc. My ex-husband's honours thesis was an anthropological paper and a close friend of mine just published her first peer-reviewed paper ( "An Acute Double-Blind, Placebo-Controlled Crossover Study of 320mg and 640mg Doses of SpecialExtract CDRI 08 On Sustained Cognitive Performance." How is THAT for a title?)

    There is no chance in Hell that I could stay in the mental game to write or edit those kinds of papers. My skills and talents lie with fiction and non-fiction, from short-form poetry anthologies to novels, of which fantasy tends to be my speciality, AND like any sub/under/apprentice-Editor, I spend a great deal of time in the SlushPile.

    I am impressed with anyone who can *think* in legalese, let alone write in it! biggrin.png
     
  19. Kinkle_sl shitlord

    Kinkle_sl
    Joined:
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    I wrote a quick piece of SciFi flash fiction for a class a couple days ago. It's barely further than a first draft and obviously needs a lot of work (both in story and factually). Plus, it kind of steals much of its theme from Eternal Sonata. But I'll post it here, just to contribute. Anyone feel free to critique it however they like. This will be my baseline from which to write a longer short story, btw. Finished product will be around 5-6x longer.


    These are the greatest accomplishments of my life, Fred thought to himself. With shaky hands, he waved to the side to scroll through the list of his works as if brushing away a pestering insect.I wonder which one is my masterpiece.
    It wasn't a terribly long list, but as he scrolled down through the waltzes and nocturnes and concertos, one stood out as being titled differently. "Raindrops." Not many of his songs had been given names outside of a simple listing of style and key. Gesturing toward himself with two fingers to activate the song, he allowed the musical rendition to permeate the comfortable underground apartment that was one of the few places he was allowed. A room meticulously designed to create the optimal environment for creativity.
    Standing up restlessly as the music began its gentle melody, he silently moved his fingers in accordance with the notes that his accelerated education had taught him. At fourteen years old, the researchers that were in constant surveillance of Fred had deemed his level of development sufficient to introduce this potentially volatile factor. The music that had made him one of the most acclaimed composers in history.Dindindindindindindindin- from the very start he noticed a single note played over and over again, his left hand rarely able to stray from that first position.Not a terribly difficult piece. His hands drooped as he became bored with the monotony of the song, but wandering over to a computing surface he allowed it to continue playing.Dindindindindindindin- An almost imperceptible, circular-shaped blur hovered quietly a few feet away, trailing him as he moved. Fred ignored the rippling movement of the invisible camera, as he was supposed to, and pulled up the corresponding sheet music onto the terminal. With a movement of his hand across the surface, the digital image flew across the room and stuck, enlarged, on the blank segment of wall facing the grand piano that had been installed for his use.Dindindindindindindin- New elements were beginning to enter into the piece, but over everything was that perpetual note. Fred strained his shoulder blades back with an irritable groan as he walked slowly over to the piano. The music was beginning to make him feel suffocated, as if the air in his living space was growing thick with the stale aroma of lingering illness.Dindindindindin-
    Grown, not birthed, Fred's genetic composition had been cleared of the terminally condemning irregularities that had caused the early death of his ancient predecessor, Frederic Chopin. His wardens in white coats had speculated as to how great an effect that would have upon his music.Dindindindin- He sat down in front of the piano and started to play along with the music, his eyes following the projected sheet. -dindindindin BUMMM dindindin BUMMM dindindin BUMMM- His heart began pounding, painfully, his shoulders flexing in rhythm as the piece became louder and more complex.Dindindindindin BUMMM- Here and there he made slight adjustments, pausing overlong, or flowing straight through where the audio track held for a breath. What pianist could play more truly than the composer? Closing his eyes, the music overwhelmed his being, its expression of helplessness and defiance against frailty intrinsically connecting him to that stranger upon whose greatness he was supposed to encroach.For what?For the propagandizing efforts of a government that faces not only the looming threat of foreign domination, but also the seemingly insurmountable depression of nihilism permeating Earth's population like a pandemic? Did he owe this world whatever semblance of inspiration he could muster, which had ripped him mercilessly out of his time, held just out of sight beyond the calculated walls of his imprisonment?
    As the song wound to a close, the perpetualdindindindindin... lasting all the way to the end as if it could never stop, Fred slowly choked down his claustrophobia and became aware of a silence that had been growing beyond his piano for the last minute. Suspicion flashed through his mind as he threw a thin glance toward the hovering orb that had innocently positioned itself above the strumming chords of the grand. He supposed the audio program might have simply glitched and stopped the song itself.
    With a sigh of resignation, he twirled his forefinger in front of him, urging the program to begin the song again. Instead of playing along this time, he moved the bench back and rested his forehead slowly onto the cool surface of the porcelain keys as he listened, eyes closed once more. The tension returned again, but faintly. He accepted the feeling as a compromise. Perhaps the scene that this music created -nearly a memory- of Frederic Chopin grudgingly approaching death with a pen in his hand while the weather battered the Spanish wooden roof of his eventual coffin, would be the closest Fred would ever get to the world. The disintegrating remains of his progenitor that the DNA had been extracted from had not wanted to die. Strange that they were now so grudging to be alive. But Fred had never heard the rain before.
     
  20. faille Active Member

    faille
    Joined:
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    Messages:
    1,061
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    +17
    Interesting idea, and challenging to base it on music which I think is hard to describe via text, not being familiar with the piece personally.

    First up, beware adverbs. Do a find on 'ly' and examine if you need them or if they could be replaced with a better verb. eg when you say "the hovering orb that had innocently positioned itself above ..." you could instead say "The hovering orb that had secreted itself above...".

    Also, you have made some of your expositional sentences too dense, trying to pack too much into them. eg "Grown, not birthed, Fred's genetic composition had been cleared of the terminally condemning irregularities that had caused the early death of his ancient predecessor, Frederic Chopin." It feels like you're beating the infomation into the reader when you can pare it back a bit and trust them to make the connections themselves. It's a fine line between the two though.

    I did like the overall theme of the story, a man forced to help uphold a society that he's not part of and hasn't really experienced.

    You said it was for a class, do you have a specific word count that you're aiming for? My general approach to writing for word count is to write something that is twice as long, then cut it back a lot. Seems to work better than trying to expand and pad out a piece but is also a lot more work.

    Good luck with finishing it off!