Deep Thoughts, with jack handy

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iannis

iannis

Musty Nester
31,351
17,657
"I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!""
 
iannis

iannis

Musty Nester
31,351
17,657
"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."
 
iannis

iannis

Musty Nester
31,351
17,657
"My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him."
 
iannis

iannis

Musty Nester
31,351
17,657
"Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared"
 
iannis

iannis

Musty Nester
31,351
17,657
"What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?"
 
iannis

iannis

Musty Nester
31,351
17,657
"You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea."
 
Lithose

Lithose

Buzzfeed Editor
25,946
113,036
"I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas." (Remember this quiet from when I was 10, don't know why it just stuck with me.)
 
iannis

iannis

Musty Nester
31,351
17,657
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
 
Big Phoenix

Big Phoenix

Pronouns: zie/zhem/zer
<Gold Donor>
46,711
99,667
"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did?in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car."
 
Haast

Haast

Lord Nagafen Raider
3,281
1,636
"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone."
 
Void

Void

BAU BAU
<Gold Donor>
9,902
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A couple of my favorites:

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
 
Pemulis

Pemulis

Not Woke
<Bronze Donator>
3,302
9,198
?Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes & dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.'? - JH
 
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