Extreme Lack of Motivation

Froyo3652 said:

Hey guys,

I was hoping anyone here could offer advice on a situation I've had going on in my life for as long as I can remember. I can't seem to motivate myself to do things that will greatly improve my quality of life, despite having multiple reasons to do so.


--I only leave my house for something social twice a year for Thanksgiving and Christmas with the family. And even then, I have skipped out entire years.

--While at home I almost never do anything productive. I listen to garbage let's plays on Youtube in the background while playing games or surfing a handful of websites.

--While playing said games I seem to have A.D.D. I end up playing for a small chunk of time before pausing to browse the handful of websites mentioned above.

--Even while browsing the small handful of websites I will close a tab and return to the same website, despite there being nothing new to see.

--I only brush my teeth a few times a month.

--When showering I only wash my body a few times a month despite having a physical job where I get sweaty.

--I eat very unhealthily. It's literally only frozen food, fast food, and snacks. Over the past month or so I have started to feel a tightness in my left arm and occasionally my chest but I still can't find the energy to cook healthy meals.

--I live a very sedentary lifestyle. The only exercise I get is lifting boxes/walking around at work and it rarely elevates my heart rate for any meaningful cardio.

--I'm planning to move abroad to teach English next year but instead of doing useful things like studying all the things I should be prepared for or studying the damn language...I just do my garbage Youtube routine mentioned above.

--On the topic of moving abroad to teach, I am a high school drop out with zero college experience. So when I correct my foreign friends' English on Skype, I can tell them when they make a mistake but I struggle greatly to tell them why my correction is right. The thing I should do is remain in the USA and attend school so I can actually make enough money abroad to stay afloat but I am choosing to dive in head first anyway.


With that in mind, I fully expect new students I tutor abroad to see me as a terrible teacher and go elsewhere. I anticipate burning through all my savings over the course of a few months or a year before I am forced to return to the USA. At the very least, I am storing my car and some vital things at my sister's house so I have something to come back to.


So all of that said, is there anybody here as messed up in the head as I am when it comes to having tons of reasons to improve their life but not doing it?

Please advise.

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Can't say I have anything to offer other than I'm in somewhat the same boat.

-I usually only leave my house to get fast food and beer. I'm married with kids. You'd think that would be enough to motivate me, but it isn't.

-While at home, I never do anything productive anymore. I used to. I used to do a lot. Cleaning mostly, and taking care of the kids, sometimes cooking. Nowadays it's game playing and that's about it. The wife has a lot to do with this, she didn't do shit the first 5+ years of our marriage until I broke down then she realized oh shit I need to do stuffs.

-I seem to be able to focus at length, but can't bring myself to put together a resume to get a job.

-I'll think about work (the work I used to do I don't want to go back to doing) and then forget about it with whatever the next thing is.

-I brush my teeth every day, shower at least every other day. I'm fat though, so it's quite necessary.

-I eat unhealthily. I also take some supplements to help with that. The namely ones are Vitamin MK7 and Alpha Lipoic Acid. I also take a couple different psychiatric drugs that seem to help when I stay away from drinking, but I can't seem to do that for very long anymore, which is weird, about two years ago I did some LSD and that totally got rid of my thirst for drinking. Fast forward to the head meds and now I'm back to drinking. I stopped smoking weed several months ago so I can get a job. I miss that quite a bit. The alcohol is definitely a weed replacement.

-You have a much more active lifestyle than me.

-I have no such opportunity to live abroad doing menial tasks. Doesn't sound exciting either.

Mainly it's because I'm lazy and have a boatload of anxiety. I made it through to this point in life with no real mental healthcare help, and now I realize I'm really fucked up. People tell me just get a job and get back to normal; fuckers, I don't know what normal is. Normal for me, is depressed. It's quite hard to to choose going back to that at this point. I've tried therapy, they are either useless, dumber than me, or should have retired 10 years ago due to dementia. The psychiatrists are really slow going, months between appointments. Things have deteriorated between my wife and I, and I don't blame her, but still, she instigates problems, has her own anxiety issues that make it difficult to act normal.

I feel stuck right now. She's pregnant with our third and it's not like I can just up and leave her now. Nor do I want to do that to our current children. But still, the more I get better (or worse? The more time goes on), the more I stand back and go oh my god what did I do? Doubling down to keep me stuck is we opened our marriage at my request earlier this year. She has no fucking problem finding people, meanwhile I might as well have cancer and put that in my dating profile saying I'm dying from it tomorrow.

I've seemingly done everything I can to fuck things up for me and keep me feeling low. My wife claims to love me but I don't think she really knows what that means. Last year at couples counseling the lady suggested I read the languages of love or some shit and tell my wife how I wanted her to love me. My therapist last year lead me down the path to breaking up with my wife and divorcing her, which ended up costing me my job of a decade+. Since then I've been unemployed and living off my potent 401k savings. I'm now at the point where that's soon up, and no job in sight to keep paying this nearly $3k mortgage. I suppose my kids will be okay and so will my wife, she at least has some family to fall back on. My only family is in the looney bin. What is my future? At this point, living on the street until I freeze to death. Bill Murray can feed me all the chicken noodle he wants, but it seems you can't save this one either. Merry Fucking Christmas.