I think I might have been abused as a kid. How do I find out?

Phazael · Aug 24, 2021

At the risk of sounding like Foler, I have often ben ascribed a freakish memory. I recall with clarity (and accurately according to relatives) shit that happened when I was 3 (currently nearly 51). I have busted tests for psyche studies regarding memories that I participated in. Disclosure, I so I cannot remember anything of actual value (can recite episode titles of entire series of Trek, but fuck me if I can remember my wife's birthday) . And I am continuously taken aback by errors in my mind that are memory distortions. Memory is a lie without supporting evidence.

rhinohelix · Aug 24, 2021

Rajaah said:
So this is pretty weird. Lately, as in like, the last few months, I've been remembering stuff about my early childhood that I -completely- forgot about until now. I'm talking age 1-3 range, things like breastfeeding, and seeing a birthday cake for the first time, and pretending to cook by waving a plastic plate around in a high-chair. I mean these are things I had ZERO recollection of pretty much from probably age 5 or so until this year.

Thing is, growing up, I had a ton of behavioral issues, and made everyone miserable. I was pretty angry/resentful for no apparent reason, and TBH I still have a lot of those elements in my personality and they still cause me issues from time to time. Nobody could ever explain why I was so angry as a kid, so psychologists tried to rationalize it by blaming various circumstances that I didn't actually care about. For instance, they blamed my fits of anger on a move from one apartment to another, when I didn't care at all about said move. So they really had no clue. I didn't have a clue either.

Now this year, I'm suddenly remembering weird stuff. Like the first time I flew off the handle with an angry fit. I was probably 3 or 4 and I vividly remember screaming at my mom and her referring to it as a "temper tantrum". Actually, hearing those words was what caused this memory to pop up. She was really surprised and embarrassed at my behavior and said I'd never acted like that before. After forgetting about this incident for 30 years I now remember it clear as day. What I also remember is how I felt, like something happened and she wasn't around when it happened and I blamed her for not being around. Like she abandoned me to do something more important and something happened while she was out, and I was too embarrassed to tell her so instead I lashed out. It could have been something as simple as me not knowing where she was and being ignored by a babysitter, I don't know. Problem is, I continued lashing out for years, maybe decades, and it all went back to this weird feeling of being hurt/abandoned or not being important.

Like I said, I don't know if I just freaked out because she was out of the house for an extended amount of time, or if someone watching me did something, or what. That part I don't remember. Whatever occurred before the "temper tantrum" is a total mental block for me. I just remember that first tantrum itself and exactly how I felt.

So how can I figure this out? Hypnosis has been suggested, but I don't know if that'll work, and I'm generally resistant to any sort of psychological push/suggestion. I need to somehow remember what happened, if anything, without getting a "false positive". It could be something as simple as me being angry that my mom wasn't home more often and that I kept having babysitters around instead. I know we've got some smart people here so I'd like to hear any insights or similar experiences.

As many people here stated, "Recovered Memories" are a minefield into which you don't want to tread; there are far too many false positives one can be talked into, as discussed the way the brain forms "memories' is deceptive at best and there is tons of literature about why none of this is accepted in courts. Even the APA, who isn't hold hard and fast to science these days coughtranscough is still not down for these activities.

Just reading what you've written, though, I really don't think you need to look any further: Your mother had left you for an extended period of time in the care of another and was not around. It doesn't take a particularly precocious 3/4 to want his mommy and to react with a tantrum. Those feelings of abandonment can leave lasting marks. As children our parents are our world and your anger isn't uncommon or necessarily unwarranted; internalizing those feelings and carrying them with you, feeling that lack of stability in the world, that happens to people. These are things that can affect you your whole life.

In the spirit of the topic of childhood memories, I remember once being babysat as a little boy, probably 4-ish? and super hyperactive by a relative, a younger female nurse, and playing and something happening and her husband absolutely socking me. I didn't know what happened in the moment, only his being really angry about something and her asking me to not say anything. My dad was an asshole but there would have been questions. I grew up to be a pretty intimidating dude and years later I recalled that moment after not remembering it for 20 years. I always wondered why that guy had laughed nervously around me when I got to be 16+ and towered over him.

Rajaah · Aug 24, 2021

rhinohelix said:
As many people here stated, "Recovered Memories" are a minefield into which you don't want to tread; there are far too many false positives one can be talked into, as discussed the way the brain forms "memories' is deceptive at best and there is tons of literature about why none of this is accepted in courts. Even the APA, who isn't hold hard and fast to science these days coughtranscough is still not down for these activities.

Just reading what you've written, though, I really don't think you need to look any further: Your mother had left you for an extended period of time in the care of another and was not around. It doesn't take a particularly precocious 3/4 to want his mommy and to react with a tantrum. Those feelings of abandonment can leave lasting marks. As children our parents are our world and your anger isn't uncommon or necessarily unwarranted; internalizing those feelings and carrying them with you, feeling that lack of stability in the world, that happens to people. These are things that can affect you your whole life.

In the spirit of the topic of childhood memories, I remember once being babysat as a little boy, probably 4-ish? and super hyperactive by a relative, a younger female nurse, and playing and something happening and her husband absolutely socking me. I didn't know what happened in the moment, only his being really angry about something and her asking me to not say anything. My dad was an asshole but there would have been questions. I grew up to be a pretty intimidating dude and years later I recalled that moment after not remembering it for 20 years. I always wondered why that guy had laughed nervously around me when I got to be 16+ and towered over him.

It's nuts that any adult would sock a little kid, regardless of the reason.

Growing up, I was usually the sock-er. Because of how angry I was about...whatever from when I was 3, I was pretty mean to other kids. I was a natural leader so other kids would follow me around and flock to me regardless of how much of a complete asshole I was. I don't get it, but it is what it is. I was never unpopular or bullied or any of that, and had a pretty good upbringing aside from being poor (which is alright, makes you appreciate things you do get) and being persistently angry for that reason I don't know.

One time when I was 6 or 7 I was jumping on a bed with another 6 or 7 year old. This kid adored me and followed me everywhere. He was laughing it up while we were jumping around. Him having fun triggered me or something, so I knocked this kid across the room and he hit his head. My mom and his mom ran in (they were very close by talking) and they were incredibly upset and checking him for head-lumps while he wailed. I thought he was weak and stupid while he was laying there crying. I don't remember him being around anymore after that.

I don't know why I did that. I just suddenly got angry. That's what I was like. I didn't kill anything or stuff like that, not even bugs. I just hated people. I had zero issue throwing another kid on the ground because I felt like it though, and I was rude to everyone in my path. One of the reasons I've never had a kid (besides none of my girlfriends being particularly up for it) is because part of me is afraid the kid would be like that bad version of me. It would certainly be karma. Or maybe I'd get the 1-3 version of me that was supposedly the happiest, nicest kid on Earth. I have no idea where that guy went.

MusicForFish · Aug 24, 2021

Rajaah said:
It's nuts that any adult would sock a little kid, regardless of the reason.

Growing up, I was usually the sock-er. Because of how angry I was about...whatever from when I was 3, I was pretty mean to other kids. I was a natural leader so other kids would follow me around and flock to me regardless of how much of a complete asshole I was. I don't get it, but it is what it is. I was never unpopular or bullied or any of that, and had a pretty good upbringing aside from being poor (which is alright, makes you appreciate things you do get) and being persistently angry for that reason I don't know.

One time when I was 6 or 7 I was jumping on a bed with another 6 or 7 year old. This kid adored me and followed me everywhere. He was laughing it up while we were jumping around. Him having fun triggered me or something, so I knocked this kid across the room and he hit his head. My mom and his mom ran in (they were very close by talking) and they were incredibly upset and checking him for head-lumps while he wailed. I thought he was weak and stupid while he was laying there crying. I don't remember him being around anymore after that.

I don't know why I did that. I just suddenly got angry. That's what I was like. I didn't kill anything or stuff like that, not even bugs. I just hated people. I had zero issue throwing another kid on the ground because I felt like it though, and I was rude to everyone in my path. One of the reasons I've never had a kid (besides none of my girlfriends being particularly up for it) is because part of me is afraid the kid would be like that bad version of me. It would certainly be karma. Or maybe I'd get the 1-3 version of me that was supposedly the happiest, nicest kid on Earth. I have no idea where that guy went.

You probably witnessed your parents giving each other Cleveland steamers in front of your Uncle at age 1.5 because you'll never forget and you just literally couldn't anymore.

Srsly though, the mind blocks out bad, bad stuff but the emotions tell you some things and those emotions, when you're in hypnosis, fade away and you're left with the movie to reawaken you.

rhinohelix · Aug 25, 2021

Rajaah said:
It's nuts that any adult would sock a little kid, regardless of the reason.

Growing up, I was usually the sock-er. Because of how angry I was about...whatever from when I was 3, I was pretty mean to other kids. I was a natural leader so other kids would follow me around and flock to me regardless of how much of a complete asshole I was. I don't get it, but it is what it is. I was never unpopular or bullied or any of that, and had a pretty good upbringing aside from being poor (which is alright, makes you appreciate things you do get) and being persistently angry for that reason I don't know.

One time when I was 6 or 7 I was jumping on a bed with another 6 or 7 year old. This kid adored me and followed me everywhere. He was laughing it up while we were jumping around. Him having fun triggered me or something, so I knocked this kid across the room and he hit his head. My mom and his mom ran in (they were very close by talking) and they were incredibly upset and checking him for head-lumps while he wailed. I thought he was weak and stupid while he was laying there crying. I don't remember him being around anymore after that.

I don't know why I did that. I just suddenly got angry. That's what I was like. I didn't kill anything or stuff like that, not even bugs. I just hated people. I had zero issue throwing another kid on the ground because I felt like it though, and I was rude to everyone in my path. One of the reasons I've never had a kid (besides none of my girlfriends being particularly up for it) is because part of me is afraid the kid would be like that bad version of me. It would certainly be karma. Or maybe I'd get the 1-3 version of me that was supposedly the happiest, nicest kid on Earth. I have no idea where that guy went.

There are emotional and chemical causes for our reactions. It would be easier, and I don't mean this in a negative or condescending way, if there was an external cause for that change, as you recall, from the happy kid to the angry kid. And maybe there was, perhaps? Or it could a multivariate reason, a complex chemical turning of the mechanisms inside your head that got expressed as anger, that were never really resolved until later, if at all. That you are digging in looking for that cause now is a good thing; we should always examine our lives. I would, however, recommend talk therapy first, and see if that can't bring you some insight or resolution without this need to plumb for hidden or recovered memories, (as stated, there are so many ways to go wrong there) to seek in some way to externalize the cause of this change and work through the remorse and regret you obviously feel for the way you have dealt with things/treated people in your life. I mean, you might find an event in your past but I think the larger and potentially harder issue with which to deal, with whom I am sure you can find professionals to assist with, is that you might not.

All the best, man, on this voyage of discovery and improvement.

Fucker · Aug 25, 2021

jayrebb said:
You gotta consider you are just a piece of crap

My dad's coworker buddy had an absolute terror of a girl. Absolute complete basket case from the moment she could talk. We were over there and she was being her usual psycho self and her dad completely lost it. He threw her down the stairs and then through her bedroom door...and she was still running her mouth after that. IIRC, she wasn't at school for a few weeks because she got a beating that finally tuned her up.

Brutal, but some kids deserve every beating they get.

moonarchia · Aug 25, 2021

Rajaah said:
I don't think I want to have been abused, though it would at least absolve me of some responsibility. It's more like "if I can figure this out, maybe I can stop having deep-seated anger that I can't explain".

I remember that feeling. From 19 to 30 I hated myself for a lot of reasons and was generally a shitty person as a result. I got lucky and found meditation. No philosophy or religion or any of that shit, just meditation. Zen meditation has a very specific goal, getting rid of the 'self'. The process of stripping away your conscious mind is like reading the instruction manual for how you tick. Understanding why you do what you do, and why you feel what you feel gives you the freedom to change any and all of it. That's why I recommend it so often. It really did change my life for the better, and it's easy and free.

Onoes · Aug 26, 2021

I'm highly in the "Understand you will never really know, and work on moving forward with whatever you need to do to be the best version of yourself." group of people.

I'll chime in with a worst case story. When I was in high school I made friends with a married couple who were just a few years older (Shared hobbies). They were super nice people, had tons in common with them, and outside of his wife basically being in charge of his life (which he never seemed to mind) they were like role models of adults to me. In my mid 20's I wanted to move back to my hometown and they ended up renting me a room. At this point they had been married like 10 years, and been together like 13. Anyway, the wife was sort of having a early-mid life crisis - she was unexplainably depressed, started having panic attacks, would get super angry for no reason. It was all stuff that had been very barely present 10 years earlier, but was now kind of taking over her life.

I thought this was all pretty simple - she married her high school boyfriend, was still working the same job she had in high school, and I think she was just unhappy with her life. She starts going to a counselor, who has her do things like "write a note when you are upset, and before bed every night just burn up those notes and watch your anger turn to smoke" and a bunch more, and for several months that seems to be helping her. Then one day she comes home, just crying and a wreck, sits me and her husband down and tells us that she's had a breakthrough. She has suddenly remembered that her dad molested her from birth to like 6 or 7 years old. We are just kind of stunned, she has a big family of like 3 sisters and 2 brothers, her parents were happily married, her dad was a super nice guy, I had spend many holidays with her family..... it was all very hard to believe. Add to it that she was confident she remembered stuff from when she was like months old, like her dad molesting her in a crib and shit. She was 100% sure this was real, and that she suddenly vividly remembered it, and anyone who wouldn't choose her word was dead to her.

She then proceeded to basically ruin everyone's lives around her. She invited her parents to meet in a restaurant and then ambushed them with this accusation (she was convinced her mom had been aware of it and chose to look the other way). She basically gave all of her siblings an ultimatum, with her or against her. All of the siblings seemed horrified and all swore they had never seen anything even remotely questionable (I actually witnessed her sister yelling at her going "We shared a bed until you were like 9, what, I just slept through it night after night when he crept into the room?! This never happened, you're insane!) and so, poof, her family was gone. After that, she moved on to ostracizing her friends, becoming a victim, a rape survivor, a martyr who lost everything to stand up for truth and justice. That basically became her whole persona. Most of their friends started distancing themselves because... well it just sucked to be around her and her super white knight husband. This was all back in like 2004? Way before professional victimhood was a thing you saw everywhere, it just seemed like this couple went fucking nuts.

Was it real? I don't think so, but who knows? I don't trust my memory from a year ago, let alone 20+ years. Could it all have happened exactly like she remembers? Sure, its possible.

Is it just as likely she was half-watching a true crime show 5 years previous to all this and for whatever reason her brain was like "Wow, parents molesting kids is fucked up, I better save bits of that in here to remember later"? Then when she needs an answer to why she is all fucked up her brain spits out "I definitely remember dad molesting me" and all this gets created? Also possible.

Would everyone involved be better off if she had taken some antidepressants, maybe started running, joined a club, quit her job, WHATEVER? I think so.

Anyway, best case just seems to me that you don't remember anything fucked up. Worse case is clearly much worse. IF you know that to be true, why even go looking? Choose to just accept you don't remember, or anything you might remember is highly suspect, and move on.

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I think I might have been abused as a kid. How do I find out?

Phazael

Confirmed Beta Shitlord, Fat Bastard

rhinohelix

Dental Dammer

Rajaah

Honorable Member

MusicForFish

Ultra Maga Instinct

rhinohelix

Dental Dammer

Fucker

Log Wizard

moonarchia

The Scientific Shitlord

Onoes

Trakanon Raider