Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Voyce · Oct 7, 2020

Faux said:
I think one of our jobs as a parent is to model healthy relationships for our kids, because it teaches them what to expect and look for from a significant other.

This is important and often understated.

SeanDoe1z1 · Oct 7, 2020

I asked for an uncontested divorce, same type of answer I use to give her is what I got.

I am following through with the lawyer now.

TJT · Oct 8, 2020

SeanDoe1z1 said:
I asked for an uncontested divorce, same type of answer I use to give her is what I got.

I am following through with the lawyer now.

Godspeed.

fris · Oct 8, 2020

Faux said:
I went through something similar when I was pretty young. I got married in my mid 20s to a woman I had been with for years. I guess in retrospect, I had ignored some red flags, but our relationship had been really good. Just 4 months after we got married, her behavior started changing significantly and I had to put a keylogger on my computer in order to find out that she was cheating on me with a guy from her work. I confronted her and told her I wanted a divorce/annulment and she pleaded for another shot. Like an idiot, I capitulated and agreed to counseling, and monitoring her via phone was a suggestion that she really wanted to do because it made sense to her as a way to rebuild my trust.

But the simple fact was that I was never able to trust her again after that. I did not want to live in a "police state" marriage where I had to verify her location. If it was at that point, it was already done. The marriage limped along for another 2 years while she tried to rebuild my trust in her, only for me to find out she was sleeping with a guy on deployment with her (while trying to convince me it was time to start a family when she got back). I left and never looked back. People can recover from their mistakes, but they can be better for the next guy.

Your situation is more complex since there are kids involved, but you also sound like you are still reasonably young and have plenty of time to find someone new. I would hate to be deprived of a loving and fulfilling relationship just to try to maximize time with the kids. I think one of our jobs as a parent is to model healthy relationships for our kids, because it teaches them what to expect and look for from a significant other. You'll spend more time with them if you stay, but just consider whether you are getting any more "quality" time with them or if its just more time in general. If you go ahead with the divorce, you may find that not only do you teach your kids about what sort of behavior not to put up with, but the time you spend with them is more focused and better over all than just living in the same house.

I saw a good quote, I forget if it was in this thread or on another board. It went "Don't make your kids responsible for your misery." If you are unhappy and stay together just for the kids, they can internalize that and feel like they are at fault for their parents staying together.

similar deal w/ my divorce. my X had a problem w/ drinking (or drinking was how she dealt w/ her problems more accurately). it was a big red flag very early in our relationship. 3 years of dating/engaged, 10 years of marriage, it was the reason for the divorce. 3 different couples countless, countless programs for her, the problem never went away, not fully. even when we were both not drinking (9-12 months on 3 different occasions), she was so bitter w/ me that it was arguably worse. when she was drinking, as long as it didn't affect our kids I could live with it.

People can recover from their mistakes, but they can be better for the next guy.

so true. when the damage is done, I don't know if a relationship can ever really recover. hope each learns from the relationship so they're a better partner for the next person they meet.

Voyce · Oct 8, 2020

Faux said:
I saw a good quote, I forget if it was in this thread or on another board. It went "Don't make your kids responsible for your misery." If you are unhappy and stay together just for the kids, they can internalize that and feel like they are at fault for their parents staying together.

My Mother and Father stayed together, mostly because my father was desperate and couldn't handle the thought of being alone, or being a divorcee. Kids now Today, would refer to him as a "simp", a guy that sacrifices everything of himself to please a woman.

My mom would tell you, if you had asked her before Oct 31st of 2019, the reason she stayed with him was for the kids.

Last year on October 31st, I got a message from my father's job, he hadn't been in all week (he was scheduled off for Monday, but that's all).

I called my mom, only to find out, she hadn't seen or heard from him in four days (they had two houses at this point and would live between them, but were still "married").

My father would never go that long without reaching out to her, she knew something was wrong but did nothing.

I told my boss I had a family emergency, and drove 50 minutes to find my father lying down on the floor next to his lazyboy chair, he had died perhaps as long as 4 days before.

My mom sent me a message about their 40th anniversary just a few days ago, and how sad she was that he was gone.

She treated him like human garbage, and he took care of all of the heavy lifting for her, all the real bills, all of the real problems, all of the little stupid problems, all of everything that mattered.

He never took her to task, he never pushed her shit in, she could never recognize his value, because he was always there being valuable.

I see so many men, that are "simps", desperate and scared to be alone, and fiercely accepting of their fate in life, as if it is an honorable trait, to carry the torch like a martyr for a woman that has zero respect for them.

My father shared blame in his outcome--a man has a responsibility to himself--to demand better for himself, and must have the willingness to leave a situation that is destroying him.

Men are not born to be victims, and women will never respect a man they can emasculate and victimize.

Faux · Oct 8, 2020

Voyce said:
I told my boss I had a family emergency, and drove 50 minutes to find my father lying down on the floor next to his lazyboy chair, he had died perhaps as long as 4 days before.

Jesus, I wouldn't wish that memory on anyone. My dad died 2 years ago of a heart attack while he was getting dressed in the bathroom. He was divorced and living alone and his friend/coworker went to his house and found him after he didn't show up to work. I'm so glad that's not my final memory of him.

I see so many men, that are "simps", desperate and scared to be alone, and fiercely accepting of their fate in life, as if it is an honorable trait, to carry the torch like a martyr for a woman that has zero respect for them.

My father shared blame in his outcome--a man has a responsibility to himself--to demand better for himself, and must have the willingness to leave a situation that is destroying him.

Men are not born to be victims, and women will never respect a man they can emasculate and victimize.

Great contributions and I whole-heartedly agree. Gotta set an example that your partner wants to live up to.

Faux · Oct 8, 2020

SeanDoe1z1 said:
I asked for an uncontested divorce, same type of answer I use to give her is what I got.

I am following through with the lawyer now.

It'll suck for a bit as the dust settles, but once you are back into a routine with the kids and you meet a new woman without all this baggage, you'll wonder why you ever considered a different path! Or maybe you will just immediately feel a huge weight off your back as you look forward to being happy again.

Noodleface · Oct 8, 2020

Voyce said:
My Mother and Father stayed together, mostly because my father was desperate and couldn't handle the thought of being alone, or being a divorcee. Kids now Today, would refer to him as a "simp", a guy that sacrifices everything of himself to please a woman.

My mom would tell you, if you had asked her before Oct 31st of 2019, the reason she stayed with him was for the kids.

Last year on October 31st, I got a message from my father's job, he hadn't been in all week (he was scheduled off for Monday, but that's all).

I called my mom, only to find out, she hadn't seen or heard from him in four days (they had two houses at this point and would live between them, but were still "married").

My father would never go that long without reaching out to her, she knew something was wrong but did nothing.

I told my boss I had a family emergency, and drove 50 minutes to find my father lying down on the floor next to his lazyboy chair, he had died perhaps as long as 4 days before.

My mom sent me a message about their 40th anniversary just a few days ago, and how sad she was that he was gone.

She treated him like human garbage, and he took care of all of the heavy lifting for her, all the real bills, all of the real problems, all of the little stupid problems, all of everything that mattered.

He never took her to task, he never pushed her shit in, she could never recognize his value, because he was always there being valuable.

I see so many men, that are "simps", desperate and scared to be alone, and fiercely accepting of their fate in life, as if it is an honorable trait, to carry the torch like a martyr for a woman that has zero respect for them.

My father shared blame in his outcome--a man has a responsibility to himself--to demand better for himself, and must have the willingness to leave a situation that is destroying him.

Men are not born to be victims, and women will never respect a man they can emasculate and victimize.

Sorry to hear all that man

TheBeagle · Oct 8, 2020

My girlfriend of the past two years and I are meeting with a realtor this weekend. It's a new development about a half hour outside the city with 2-5 acre plots that come with a barndominium and you get to pick your own builder if/when you decide to build a proper house. Using my first time home buyer status and splitting the down payment if it's a good fit for us. I'm 47 so better late than never I guess!

Big Phoenix · Oct 8, 2020

I dunno if it's a good idea to but a house together when you aren't married.

Khane · Oct 8, 2020

Is this the long distance girlfriend you were breaking COVID protocols and meeting for sex in a hotel a few months ago?

You dog. She must be good if she deserves a house!

moonarchia · Oct 9, 2020

fris said:
when the damage is done, I don't know if a relationship can ever really recover.

It can, but it requires a shitload of work. One of the nicest people I ever knew was one of the founding members of my dad's church. His wife cheated once, but they were able to get past it. He forgave her, and they were together until he died a couple years ago. Dude was a definite role model for me. Fuck cancer.

Khane · Oct 9, 2020

I feel like it's gotta be easier to get over cheating if it was a one time, spur of the moment lapse in judgment than if it was ongoing, for quite some time, and then didn't stop even after you found out.

OU Ariakas · Oct 9, 2020

Khane said:
I feel like it's gotta be easier to get over cheating if it was a one time, spur of the moment lapse in judgment than if it was ongoing, for quite some time, and then didn't stop even after you found out.

Yeah, one sounds like you made a mistake; the other sounds like you are in a relationship.

Onoes · Oct 9, 2020

SeanDoe1z1 said:
I asked for an uncontested divorce, same type of answer I use to give her is what I got.

I am following through with the lawyer now.

There is a reason that everyone will tell you that you will be happier. It's true. It's definitely rough, you're going to have bad times, you're going to be in an empty house and just cry because you miss your kids and you're going to wonder if everything is ruined and this is all your life will ever be. It's going to be shitty no questions. Then you are going to start figuring it out. You're going to start realizing all the little things that you didn't know bothered you about your old life... and you're going to realize you never need to worry about them again. You're going to meet someone who is super into Pokemon, or bike riding, or whatever weird shit you are into. She's going to make you feel like you are her whole world. You are going to look back and think "I am so glad this is my life now." Maybe that shit doesn't pan out either, but you aren't going to regret it. You'll keep growing and learning and eventually everything will come up aces. Seriously, it seems insane and bullshit, but that's generally what happens once you get motivated to make it happen. You're never going to get motivated to make your life better while you are still trying to keep this sinking ship above the water. Swim away, find something else that floats.

Side note:
May I suggest the following arrangement for kids, it's what I have been doing for years and its great.

Mon-Wed night with you, Thursday night with mom, Fri-Sun night with you. Then reverse it.
Mon-Wed night with mom, Thursday night with you, Fri-Sun night with mom.

You never go more than 3 days without seeing the kids, it's easy to remember, and everyone gets equal time. Super easy to set up a recurring infinitely schedule on a calendar and be able to plan things. I find now that in a way I'm conditioned to this schedule much like going to work. 3 days without the kids and I can't wait to see them again. 3 days with the kids and I'm ready to have a nice quiet night off. Want to plan a camping trip or something with the kids next month - no problem, you have kids every other weekend. Want to plan a romantic sex trip with some girl you met on Facebook next month? No problem, you have every other weekend without kids.

It's really nice and not as terrible as going a full week without seeing the kids!

Omi43221 · Oct 9, 2020

SeanDoe1z1 said:
this is what I thought too, i've only been to one session with her (couples) and it appears to be heavily on the christian theology marriage-by-might type advice.

I was pretty raw, but she definitely wasn't in the whack job realm entirely and it was obviously something they both talked about privately.

When I tried couples counseling with my ex , we were on our eighth one before we were with someone we thought could help, good couples counselors are rare. STILL DIDN'T HELP.

TJT · Oct 17, 2020

In stories from East European Wives (

Araysar might appreciate it more), although I know all of you love the blood sorcery shit the most this was still hilarious to me.

Wife got super paranoid about identity theft after nearly giving her bank account to someone on the phone before I stopped her. She read or heard that Facebook(which I don't use) is a big source of information for scammers and decides to change her name on there. She does this by removing her last name and using her Patronmych. Factoid here but in the Slavic culture nobody uses middle names as we know them. Your name if you are a man or woman is almost always YourName FathersName(conjugated for feminine or masculine) LastName.

All week her friends in Ukraine have been calling her off the hook asking if she's having marital problems and what's going on. My mom also stopped responding to her texts. This is leaving her in tears because she is sensitive to gossip. I asked her what she did then because nobody is asking me any of this and she told me the above. I lul because she had no idea it would do this and I knew immediately that is the first thing people would think.

Now she's mad she can't change it back for 60 days and just use the well known short version of her name instead for the same (dubiously effective) result.

Araysar · Oct 17, 2020

TJT said:
In stories from East European Wives ( Araysar might appreciate it more), although I know all of you love the blood sorcery shit the most this was still hilarious to me.

Wife got super paranoid about identity theft after nearly giving her bank account to someone on the phone before I stopped her. She read or heard that Facebook(which I don't use) is a big source of information for scammers and decides to change her name on there. She does this by removing her last name and using her Patronmych. Factoid here but in the Slavic culture nobody uses middle names as we know them. Your name if you are a man or woman is almost always YourName FathersName(conjugated for feminine or masculine) LastName.

All week her friends in Ukraine have been calling her off the hook asking if she's having marital problems and what's going on. My mom also stopped responding to her texts. This is leaving her in tears because she is sensitive to gossip. I asked her what she did then because nobody is asking me any of this and she told me the above. I lul because she had no idea it would do this and I knew immediately that is the first thing people would think.

Now she's mad she can't change it back for 60 days and just use the well known short version of her name instead for the same (dubiously effective) result.

Thats-a-shame-jerry-seinfeld.gif

Hoss · Oct 17, 2020

Big Phoenix said:
I dunno if it's a good idea to but a house together when you aren't married.

Mortgage company won't like it either. When I did it I had to tell them we were engaged for the gift to be valid. It was super awkward because I hadn't actually asked her yet. This led to my proposal story of laying in bed naked and exhausted after some hard fucking and she turned to me and asked "so how long are we engaged? Was it just while we were in the office or does it have to be until the house is bought? "

I said "until we get married. We are getting married right?"
"yes. But you haven't asked me yet"
"oh shit. Will you marry me?"
"do you have a ring?"
"no"
"then no"
"goddammit. But we are getting married right?"
"I deserve a better proposal"
"goddamit"

She turned me down like 3 times after that because my proposal attempts were so lame.

Anyway main point is mortgage company wont like it either.

Big Phoenix · Oct 21, 2020

So I accidentally opened up Google hangouts, a app I never use at all and it looks like my ex sent me a message a month ago on it. All it said was "why would you send me that".

Didn't make any sense at first but then I remembered she pulled this kind of thing all the time. We wouldn't be talking after some stupid fight and so she would always and me a random message like that to try and get my attention.

I didn't take her bait.

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