Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Jackie Treehorn · Jan 31, 2022

I’m still seeing the Chinese mom. She invited me to go to Oakland Chinatown for pre-New Years food and shopping on Saturday.

We go to a dim sum restaurant. Order about six things, came to $50. I get out my credit card to pay at the end, she says “no I invited you, you pay next time.” So I say thank you and okay.

Then we leave to go shopping for more prepared food to take home. She buys a bunch of bao / bun things among other items, then randomly buys me a whole bag of them.

Next we go to another shop. She buys some meat, then buys me half a Peking duck after simply asking if I like duck.

Another little grocery store. “My son likes this candy, you take these.” Then she points out this drink that’s labeled bird’s nest drink (will post a picture) that turns out to be delicious - nutty. It was like $35 for 8, not cheap. I take my candy and bird nest drink to the register…mind you she had already paid for her stuff. So I go to pay since this is for me at home, and she says “oh no, I forgot to pay for yours!” then insists on buying it for me.

Finally we go to a plant shop and she buys a small tree that wasn’t cheap but thankfully does not buy me one. I actually felt bad this mom is buying all this stuff for me, but she does fine so it’s okay.

I don’t think I’ve ever dated anyone so warm and hospitable. I’m not sure if it’s her personality or part of a Chinese thing. Wants to hold hands everywhere. If we’re waiting in line somewhere she puts her arms around me. Finally I drive her back home as she has the kid that night, we make out in the car briefly, and then go home. Next Monday I’m taking her to get a facial (giggity) and lunch after so I can repay the effort at least.

It probably sounds disgusting, but this stuff is really tasty. Slightly sweetened.

Shopping for more plants.

Man I got lucky with this woman. She’s sweet and cute. Her being a mom actually works out well as she’s very busy which gives me time also. The previous woman I was dating, we went from seeing each other around 3 days a week to 7 days a week near the end of the relationship and I had hardly any time to do my own hobbies unless she was away.

Deathwing · Jan 31, 2022

I don't care what it actually tastes like nor who's asking, I ain't drinking a beverage distilled from a bird's vomit-glued domicile.

Borzak · Jan 31, 2022

Deathwing said:
I don't care what it actually tastes like nor who's asking, I ain't drinking a beverage distilled from a bird's vomit-glued domicile.

Pro tip. Don't quit your day job to move into marketing.

Deathwing · Jan 31, 2022

Borzak said:
Pro tip. Don't quit your day job to move into marketing.

Most engineers make for terrible marketers. But what does that have to do with the aforementioned ichor of ipecac?

Cad · Jan 31, 2022

Deathwing said:
I don't care what it actually tastes like nor who's asking, I ain't drinking a beverage distilled from a bird's vomit-glued domicile.

I asked a Chinese friend and she said it's actually really good. I'm kinda with you though, doesn't sound appetizing. hah.

Cad · Jan 31, 2022

Jackie Treehorn said:
I’m still seeing the Chinese mom. She invited me to go to Oakland Chinatown for pre-New Years food and shopping on Saturday.

We go to a dim sum restaurant. Order about six things, came to $50. I get out my credit card to pay at the end, she says “no I invited you, you pay next time.” So I say thank you and okay.

Then we leave to go shopping for more prepared food to take home. She buys a bunch of bao / bun things among other items, then randomly buys me a whole bag of them.

Next we go to another shop. She buys some meat, then buys me half a Peking duck after simply asking if I like duck.

Another little grocery store. “My son likes this candy, you take these.” Then she points out this drink that’s labeled bird’s nest drink (will post a picture) that turns out to be delicious - nutty. It was like $35 for 8, not cheap. I take my candy and bird nest drink to the register…mind you she had already paid for her stuff. So I go to pay since this is for me at home, and she says “oh no, I forgot to pay for yours!” then insists on buying it for me.

Finally we go to a plant shop and she buys a small tree that wasn’t cheap but thankfully does not buy me one. I actually felt bad this mom is buying all this stuff for me, but she does fine so it’s okay.

I don’t think I’ve ever dated anyone so warm and hospitable. I’m not sure if it’s her personality or part of a Chinese thing. Wants to hold hands everywhere. If we’re waiting in line somewhere she puts her arms around me. Finally I drive her back home as she has the kid that night, we make out in the car briefly, and then go home. Next Monday I’m taking her to get a facial (giggity) and lunch after so I can repay the effort at least.

View attachment 395928

It probably sounds disgusting, but this stuff is really tasty. Slightly sweetened.

View attachment 395929
Shopping for more plants.

Man I got lucky with this woman. She’s sweet and cute. Her being a mom actually works out well as she’s very busy which gives me time also. The previous woman I was dating, we went from seeing each other around 3 days a week to 7 days a week near the end of the relationship and I had hardly any time to do my own hobbies unless she was away.

Sounds great man. She sounds like a keeper.

Have you gotten the story about what happened in her previous relationships? Sometimes those give you a clue about the surprises waiting for you, sometimes not. Sometimes a really great girl just married shit heads.

Jackie Treehorn · Jan 31, 2022

Cad said:
Sounds great man. She sounds like a keeper.

Have you gotten the story about what happened in her previous relationships? Sometimes those give you a clue about the surprises waiting for you, sometimes not. Sometimes a really great girl just married shit heads.

I have, more this past Saturday than anything. She hasn’t talked about him to any great extent until then, other than saying he wasn’t very kind.

She was in China. Her ex is American Chinese. They met through mutual friends somehow. He came to China for a while, they ended up dating, and she moved to the US. When she got here, she realized he didn’t make nearly as much money as he claimed despite being in tech. House was in a bad neighborhood. She ended up getting pregnant. He couldn’t actually afford to support them fully. Then they moved in with his parents in Oakland for a year - they’re all from a different region of China, and speak Cantonese while she speaks Mandarin. Different language, different culture / habits.

She said being stuck in a house for a year while being pregnant with someone’s kid she didn’t really want to be with anymore in a new country with even people from China she couldn’t relate to was very hard. Constant arguments she said.

That’s the gist of what I got from her. From then out she just went through the motions and finally said she was leaving since she was established with a job herself and didn’t need him. She also said he lied about his age and was ten years older than he claimed when they met. She said his whole thing was all about lies to have a kid before he got older.

Jackie Treehorn · Jan 31, 2022

Deathwing said:
I don't care what it actually tastes like nor who's asking, I ain't drinking a beverage distilled from a bird's vomit-glued domicile.

It’s surprisingly pleasant! I know the thought of it is going to be too much for some people. I dunno how much of it is even in the drink. There’s bits of “stuff” in it which I assume is the nest.

Could have been worse, we walked past a place with durian and she said she loves it.

Cad · Jan 31, 2022

Jackie Treehorn said:
I have, more this past Saturday than anything. She hasn’t talked about him to any great extent until then, other than saying he wasn’t very kind.

She was in China. Her ex is American Chinese. They met through mutual friends somehow. He came to China for a while, they ended up dating, and she moved to the US. When she got here, she realized he didn’t make nearly as much money as he claimed despite being in tech. House was in a bad neighborhood. She ended up getting pregnant. He couldn’t actually afford to support them fully. Then they moved in with his parents in Oakland for a year - they’re all from a different region of China, and speak Cantonese while she speaks Mandarin. Different language, different culture / habits.

She said being stuck in a house for a year while being pregnant with someone’s kid she didn’t really want to be with anymore in a new country with even people from China she couldn’t relate to was very hard. Constant arguments she said.

That’s the gist of what I got from her. From then out she just went through the motions and finally said she was leaving since she was established with a job herself and didn’t need him. She also said he lied about his age and was ten years older than he claimed when they met.

Hmm.. only part of that story that kinda doesn't jive is how she's paying for all this stuff for you, but it sounds like a good part of her beef with the ex was that he was poor. If she doesn't mind paying, why did she care if he was poor?

I'm sure there's more to the story, I'm just trained by profession to look for inconsistencies. Just stay sharp and look for signs, but if she's being nice, she's being nice. Keep an eye out for those skeletons and enjoy.

Jackie Treehorn · Jan 31, 2022

Cad said:
Hmm.. only part of that story that kinda doesn't jive is how she's paying for all this stuff for you, but it sounds like a good part of her beef with the ex was that he was poor. If she doesn't mind paying, why did she care if he was poor?

I'm sure there's more to the story, I'm just trained by profession to look for inconsistencies. Just stay sharp and look for signs, but if she's being nice, she's being nice. Keep an eye out for those skeletons and enjoy.

She wasn’t working here until two years ago (year and a half ago? not sure.) I think if I’m getting the timeline right.

I don’t think it was that he didn’t have a lot of money, it was that he lied about having more. Apparently when they met in China he was claiming to have this great tech job, a house, he lied about his age, and so on.

So I can understand that souring a relationship quickly when she moved to the US based on lies from him.

Agreed totally though — there’s always some suspicion for me in, I’ll be honest, dating Chinese women or Russian women in the US. The one thing that makes me feel better about this one is the fact she has an American kid and was already married to an American guy.

Deathwing · Jan 31, 2022

Jackie Treehorn said:
It’s surprisingly pleasant! I know the thought of it is going to be too much for some people. I dunno how much of it is even in the drink. There’s bits of “stuff” in it which I assume is the nest.

Could have been worse, we walked past a place with durian and she said she loves it.

Gross but maybe the upside is that she swallows?

Hoss · Jan 31, 2022

Make sure you pay sometimes. If you roll over and let her pay for everything she might resent it, even if she is the one forcing it. Unless she makes a lot more than you. Then she might enjoy paying.

Jackie Treehorn · Jan 31, 2022

Hoss said:
Make sure you pay sometimes. If you roll over and let her pay for everything she might resent it, even if she is the one forcing it. Unless she makes a lot more than you. Then she might enjoy paying.

Oh I have! I would never let her pay for everything. And I know I make more money than her. Good point about not letting her do it even when she insists…maybe that’s some cultural thing I didn’t know about.

Next Monday (spa / facial day) will be expensive. I bought her a $150 gift card for Christmas. She didn’t want to go alone so she asked me to come. The cheapest service at this place is $140, the most expensive is like $330.

I’ll let her pick whatever one she wants. Then Im going to pay for myself also. I told her I would take her out for lunch afterwards also.

A couple of weeks back her and her son came to my house for dinner, and I bought three lobsters, duck, and some other nice stuff. So she sees I’m putting out some effort.

Springbok · Jan 31, 2022

This may also sound a little unkind but as someone who's lived all over east Asia (Japan, SK and Hong Kong) I know how important appearances are to the women (i.e. the perception of success, etc). This may be too soon into the relationship to query, but I'd be interested in debt (particularly high interest cc debt) especially knowing you live where you live (and the costs at all time highs with a kid in tow).

Not that it's a relationship deal breaker necessarily, but something I reckon you'd want to go into with eyes wide open. Sounds like a winner otherwise, anyone buying me Peking Duck has the key to my heart

Jackie Treehorn · Jan 31, 2022

Jackie Treehorn said:
She wasn’t working here until two years ago (year and a half ago? not sure.) I think if I’m getting the timeline right.

I don’t think it was that he didn’t have a lot of money, it was that he lied about having more. Apparently when they met in China he was claiming to have this great tech job, a house, he lied about his age, and so on.

So I can understand that souring a relationship quickly when she moved to the US based on lies from him.

Agreed totally though — there’s always some suspicion for me in, I’ll be honest, dating Chinese women or Russian women in the US. The one thing that makes me feel better about this one is the fact she has an American kid and was already married to an American guy.

One more thing to add to this.

I read Chinese women will be blunt when asking if you have money to support a family.

The very first conversation we ever had when I first met her is that she wants to have two kids, so one more. I said I would also like to date someone who wants a kid (I have none.)

About a month later, in the course of conversation, she asks me “if we ever had a child together, could you actually support us and me if I don’t work a couple of years?” I replied yes, and she was happy with that response. That was before she came to my place and saw that, yes, I do in fact live in a nice place and clearly have money.

Jackie Treehorn · Jan 31, 2022

Springbok said:
This may also sound a little unkind but as someone who's lived all over east Asia (Japan, SK and Hong Kong) I know how important appearances are to the women (i.e. the perception of success, etc). This may be too soon into the relationship to query, but I'd be interested in debt (particularly high interest cc debt) especially knowing you live where you live (and the costs at all time highs with a kid in tow).

Not that it's a relationship deal breaker necessarily, but something I reckon you'd want to go into with eyes wide open. Sounds like a winner otherwise, anyone buying me Peking Duck has the key to my heart

Great question.

Here’s a semi answer at least — I’m not sure she actually has a credit card. I’ve only seen her pay with cash everywhere. Which does make you wonder why she doesn’t, or if she did.

It’s possible she’s never established credit here.

Cad · Jan 31, 2022

Jackie Treehorn said:
Agreed totally though — there’s always some suspicion for me in, I’ll be honest, dating Chinese women or Russian women in the US. The one thing that makes me feel better about this one is the fact she has an American kid and was already married to an American guy.

Does she already have permanent residency (or 10 year green card) from her other marriage? Or does she still need that? That might explain some of the good behavior if so.

Disclosure: my wife (20 years) was born in Asia but grew up here and was a citizen before we met. I'm familiar with all the issues.

Jackie Treehorn · Jan 31, 2022

Cad said:
Does she already have permanent residency (or 10 year green card) from her other marriage? Or does she still need that? That might explain some of the good behavior if so.

Disclosure: my wife (20 years) was born in Asia but grew up here and was a citizen before we met. I'm familiar with all the issues.

No idea. It’s something I’ve thought about bringing up somehow in conversation though.

Kirun · Jan 31, 2022

Jackie Treehorn said:
When she got here, she realized he didn’t make nearly as much money as he claimed despite being in tech.

So, a money grubbing gold-digger like pretty much ALL Asian women, shocker.

Sounds like you've found a real diamond in the rough. And a kid that isn't yours that you can raise/support as well! NICE!

Jackie Treehorn · Jan 31, 2022

Kirun said:
So, a money grubbing gold-digger like pretty much ALL Asian women, shocker.

Sounds like you've found a real diamond in the rough. And a kid that isn't yours that you can raise/support as well! NICE!

There’s a difference between being a gold digger and having someone say they make way more money than they do to coerce you to move to another country though. Surely you can’t defend the actions of some man who would lie about that.

Does she want a nice life for herself? Undoubtedly. But who doesn’t really. It’s worth noting she’s not like up my ass or anything. She doesn’t ask for money. She isn’t asking to move in. She’s even repeatedly said “you know dating someone with a kid isn’t easy, right” or in so many words. So it’s not as if she’s “laying it on thick” or anything. I think what she’s asking for is realistic. She’s stuck in this area due to her kid and the father being here. This is not a cheap place to live in the SF Bay Area. You’d honestly be insane to date anyone who doesn’t have the money to thrive here.

The father still lives here and pays child support. The kid is with him 3-4 days a week.

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