Kirun
Buzzfeed Editor
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Marriage and the Power of Divorce
- Thread starter Grumpus
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Guest, it's time once again for the massively important and exciting FoH Asshat Tournament!
Go here and give us your nominations!Who's been the biggest Asshat in the last year? Give us your worst ones!
Oblio
Utah
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Lol normally no, she usually sets her timer and leaves it just outside. I think she had it wrapped in her towel and forgot because she was planning on seducing me. Funny how going off routine can really create some unique moments.
Phazael
Confirmed Beta Shitlord, Fat Bastard
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Assert dominance here or be ready for them to start filling your wife's head full of disrespectful bullshit. She is already defending this shit as it is. Sack up and let them know that this sort of shit is unacceptable for family. They knew damn well what they were doing because they acted coy when you caught them on it. It will cause some drama short term, but long term you will be a much more happily married man and keep your pride.
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Oblio
Utah
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My situation is similar but also different. I know my father in-law likes me, but he has an odd way of showing it. For context he never said "I love you" to his kids until I came along 25 years ago. It is obvious he loves his kids, he just struggled to say it because his parents never said it etc. Anyway, about a decade ago there was a car show my father in-law really wanted to go to, but his son couldn't go because of work. I give two shits about cars but I thought I would be nice and offer to go as a fill in for his son. His response "your not my son." My response was "you are right, I will remember that in the future when I try to do something nice for you." We have never talked about it since, but we have also never hung out one on one.
He does shit with his son all the time, and that is fine I honestly do not mind that the lines are drawn where they are. My father in-law comes to all my kids sporting events, science fairs, band concerts etc. He is a good man and he knows I love his daughter and think that is all he needs from me. My mother in-law on the other hand loves me and goes out of her way to do nice things for me and make me feel loved. Overall I am pretty lucky when it comes to in-laws, they have never once told me how to act or live my life.
Wantonsoup, I am sorry you are dealing with this shit. I don't know your personality so this advice comes from how I would do things. I would confront all of them and make them draw clear lines going forward. I wouldn't be super combative, but I also would not accept anything less than a clear and definitive answer.
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Kithani
Blackwing Lair Raider
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Have you tried butt-dialing him while you're doing his daughter, just a thought!
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Wantonsoup95
Ahn'Qiraj Raider
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Talking with my wife about the whole thing, she agrees with how I feel over it. Is ok with me stepping back from going to functions there. By stepping back, I will not prioritize their gatherings, if my family has something I'll be going to that instead. Before this we'd alternate holidays with families.
Thank you all for the advice.
Thank you all for the advice.
Phazael
Confirmed Beta Shitlord, Fat Bastard
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Are you each going to your own family separately on those holidays? Thats a recipe for her family to poison her head with disrespectful shit and resentment. Not saying your wife can't recognize and ignore it, but be on guard for that kind of crap.
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OU Ariakas
Diet Dr. Pepper Enjoyer
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You should still alternate holidays with the families and you should all show up as a family. You married the daughter, not the dad or brothers; if they have a problem with you then what they want more than anything would be for your family to visit them without you in tow. Don't give them that satisfaction. Also, doing things you don't like for your wife and kids is part of being a stoic adult man. Teach your kids by your example, don't let them be taught by your in-laws' shitty examples.
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Wantonsoup95
Ahn'Qiraj Raider
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Oblio
Utah
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Wantonsoup95
not counting this recent shitfest, how do your in-laws treat you normally? Has there been tension over the years? Justified or not, from their point of view do they have a reason to dislike you? Does your wife's Dad think she could have done better? How does he treat your children? Is her Dad the ring leader of the dislike or does it come from one of the brothers? Or is it the Mother in-law pulling all the strings? I think some added context would lead to better advice.- 1
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Wantonsoup95
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It's all been good in the past, I've not heard anything bad. No kids to get in the middle of this mess.
I was just sick of sitting around in the living rooms talking doing nothing so I suggested an actual thing to do.
I was just sick of sitting around in the living rooms talking doing nothing so I suggested an actual thing to do.
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Oblio
Utah
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Well in that case here is my advice, again it is how I would do things based on my personality. I do not shy away from confrontation, so I would confront the father in-law at the very least. I would NOT do it in a shit shitty combative accusatory way, I would calmly ask "why I was excluded?" I would then follow up with clarifying/probing questions. I would not accept any response with out explanation and reasoning.
I would also 1000% make sure your wife is on board with any outcome, because shit like this can go bad quick. Is your wife Ride or Die?
Cutlery
Kill All the White People
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What a waste of time.
He was excluded because he's not his son. Son in law is fine, but father/son shit doesn't need to always extent to marriage. Sometimes it does...a lot of times it doesn't.
The guy doesn't owe you any explanation for not wanting to spend time with you. Doesn't matter the reason. Starting this shit will lead to a gigantic rift and it ain't worth it.
There's literally nothing to be gained from this, and only a shitload of strife that his wife will be in the middle of.
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Oblio
Utah
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So what is your advice? Do nothing? Say nothing? Fair enough.
I am not built that way, which is why I said it was what I would do. I hate sweeping shit under the rug and I understand that choosing my course of action is a double edged sword. It is also why I said make sure your wife is ride or die.
I would rather not speak to them again versus feel unwanted/disliked in their presence, I couldn't live with myself if I had to be fake in front of them the rest of our lives. Remember it was Wantonsoup95's idea, so I totally understand why being excluded felt personal.
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Cutlery
Kill All the White People
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My idea is exactly what he's doing. If they don't want to be around you, don't be around them. You're not family. You starting shit with your in-laws affects exactly one person. And what you are saying is that you don't love her enough to override your own self control.
I don't tolerate disrespect either, but let's be fucking real here. Starting shit is going to accomplish nothing. You're never going to change anyone's mind, so why start the conversation? All you're doing is gonna make your wife's life hell for no reason. All because you're "disrespected." That's jogger shit. Being the man means you calmly stand up, walk away, and never bring it up again because you don't interact with them again unless they ask.
*Fixed a pronoun
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Cad
scientia potentia est
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Also you don't want to put yourself in the position where your wife has to choose between you and her family, at your provocation. She may well choose you, but at what cost? Do you want to drive a wedge between your wife and her family, which will just be blamed on you?
Much better to keep mouth shut, be her husband when she visits her family (i.e. you just stay out of it completely, stay quiet, let her interact with her family) and if/when they start shit with you, it'll be 100% their fault. Then she will have the opportunity to defend you at her own prompting, which she will not blame you for.
Do the smart thing.
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Wantonsoup95
Ahn'Qiraj Raider
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I'm 100% fine with people not liking me. I don't control them.
The line is clear where I stand and I intend to waste no effort on that other side of the line from now going forward.
Wife is for sure ride or die with me. The only thing she has said is going to zero events will make things uncomfortable. So compromise is just a reduced priority to making their holidays.
I ain't showing up and avoiding people, it'll just be a give nothing take nothing relationship. Treat the shit like a work party.
The line is clear where I stand and I intend to waste no effort on that other side of the line from now going forward.
Wife is for sure ride or die with me. The only thing she has said is going to zero events will make things uncomfortable. So compromise is just a reduced priority to making their holidays.
I ain't showing up and avoiding people, it'll just be a give nothing take nothing relationship. Treat the shit like a work party.
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Kithani
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I still think you're overreacting a bit UNLESS this is some sort of pattern or there is more to the story than you've let on. I think the fact that your BIL assumed you were going is even evidence that your in-laws do like you, or at least her brothers do. Next time you see him I would just say something like "hey next time y'all go fishing I'd love to come"
darkmiasma
Trakanon Raider
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