opiate82
Bronze Squire
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- 5
Marriage and the Power of Divorce
- Thread starter Grumpus
- Start date
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Guest, it's time once again for the massively important and exciting FoH Asshat Tournament!
Go here and give us your nominations!Who's been the biggest Asshat in the last year? Give us your worst ones!
Itlan
Blackwing Lair Raider
- 4,994
- 744
- 49,423
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Agraza
Registered Hutt
- 6,890
- 521
if you go for a plastic mattress cover get one that's easy to put on and take off like sheets, not wrap-around with a zipper. they can get very hot if you try to sleep on them due to lack of airflow. and you'll still be washing your sheets obviously unless you want to fuck on plastic. long-term you're going to need some kind of cover or have to replace your mattress. towels aren't a sure thing.
Itlan
Blackwing Lair Raider
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Yeah that's fine, I'm just more worried about the mattress eventually smelling. The thing opiate suggested sounds like the best idea.
Big Phoenix
Pronouns: zie/zhem/zer
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Tarrant
<Prior Amod>
- 16,038
- 9,477
Things are going....better I guess? Smoother would be a better word.
After a few weekends of her checking herself in to get help she decided to take a week of PTO from work and go a full week. They retooled some of her meds and began the process to slowly ween her off of effexor. That's being blamed for a variety of issues she's been having and I can see I've noted a slight difference in her as shes been coming off it slowly. We will see how it goes but it'll be awhile before she can safely stop taking it.
I stayed with my plan to separate all finances regardless. I took her name off of a variety of bills that I can't get screwed on. (Utilities, Insurance) and took myself off of ones like Cable and such. (Don't want her to get creative and order 98876454 PPV's to screw with me) Our place is still in both and our financials are fully split up.
She has made a greater effort to stay in the living room and spend time my son and I. She's more open now about a lot of things, like her day, what she's thinking and feeling...but still has times where she will start to go over that edge of anger before she reels herself in or will get up and go to the bedroom for awhile before coming back out. While this may not seem like anything big to you or others, it's a huge step for her and I acknowledge that.
My son for the most part remains unaffected from what I can tell. He stays at my inlaws once a week just to get time away from any tension that may be in the house. It's good for both us adults too to get a bit of a reset from him as well. While no where near in the realm of Chaos's daughter, he is semi special needs and he is a very demanding child at times. He remains largely unaffected so far though and if anything, with his mothers small improvements, I've noticed him less stressed as well. Which is great to see.
As far as her and I, I'm still open to the idea of a reconciliation but also not holding my breath. I've been going out and hanging with some friends I haven't for awhile so that's been great and I've been doing a lot of fishing both by myself and with my son.
She noticed I took all my collectibles and put them in storage somewhere. She knows why so she hasn't asked too much about it. It went like;
Her: Hey, where did all your sports and movie stuff go?
Me: I moved it to storage for safe keeping
Her: Why?.....*look of understanding*...Oh.....
And that was that.
I'm not opposed to a reconciliation but she knows she has a lot of work to do and she see's I'm not playing. Fully half my things are no longer in our place. She says she wants to do couples therapy as well but wanted to know if I was open to the idea that I'm not perfect either and would be willing to work on things. I told her I know I'm not, I'm far from it and I'm always open to improving myself. That made her feel more comfortable to know that not everything needs to be laid on her shoulders I think.
I'm being extremely cautions. My computer is in my living room now and I took an idea from a friend. I stream a lot of my games and I now have my stream going pretty much 24/7 and when I'm not gaming, I set it to private so no one else can see it but it still records. This way if anything crazy does happen it's documented and she knows about that camera and acknowledges the she knows it records everything and her voice when shes in the room. The fact it's now always going though is something she's not aware of, and that's fine.
I'm now fully prepared for the idea of if I need to go, I can on the drop of a dime. I have paperwork set up with the lawyer that can be signed and delivered same day along with temporary custody paperwork to try to rush the court to allow me to take him with me for my boys protection. I can literally pull a trigger right now and set everything into motion. I am interested in seeing how she progresses though. If anything I'd like to see her get better, even if things with her and I don't work, which right now is a 40/60 thing in favor of it not but I am keeping myself open to the idea of "Well, maybe this could be the moment where she realized everything..." We all have those at some point, the thing is, she has to be mentally able and stable enough to keep that going.
If not, trigger pulled.
I do still love her though, and would like to continue the life plans we had together, but now I'm no longer afraid if that ends up not being a possibility as well.
EDIT: I will say that a very attractive girl I used to work with and has always been flirtatious with me found out about everything and has been doing everything in her power to hook up. It's odd because she's, in all honesty, much more attractive than what I should be able to pull. Our personalities are very complimentary to one anothers though so maybe that has something to do with it. She's sent some very color pictures my way and should said trigger be pulled then i plan on pulling another trigger multiple times soon after.
After a few weekends of her checking herself in to get help she decided to take a week of PTO from work and go a full week. They retooled some of her meds and began the process to slowly ween her off of effexor. That's being blamed for a variety of issues she's been having and I can see I've noted a slight difference in her as shes been coming off it slowly. We will see how it goes but it'll be awhile before she can safely stop taking it.
I stayed with my plan to separate all finances regardless. I took her name off of a variety of bills that I can't get screwed on. (Utilities, Insurance) and took myself off of ones like Cable and such. (Don't want her to get creative and order 98876454 PPV's to screw with me) Our place is still in both and our financials are fully split up.
She has made a greater effort to stay in the living room and spend time my son and I. She's more open now about a lot of things, like her day, what she's thinking and feeling...but still has times where she will start to go over that edge of anger before she reels herself in or will get up and go to the bedroom for awhile before coming back out. While this may not seem like anything big to you or others, it's a huge step for her and I acknowledge that.
My son for the most part remains unaffected from what I can tell. He stays at my inlaws once a week just to get time away from any tension that may be in the house. It's good for both us adults too to get a bit of a reset from him as well. While no where near in the realm of Chaos's daughter, he is semi special needs and he is a very demanding child at times. He remains largely unaffected so far though and if anything, with his mothers small improvements, I've noticed him less stressed as well. Which is great to see.
As far as her and I, I'm still open to the idea of a reconciliation but also not holding my breath. I've been going out and hanging with some friends I haven't for awhile so that's been great and I've been doing a lot of fishing both by myself and with my son.
She noticed I took all my collectibles and put them in storage somewhere. She knows why so she hasn't asked too much about it. It went like;
Her: Hey, where did all your sports and movie stuff go?
Me: I moved it to storage for safe keeping
Her: Why?.....*look of understanding*...Oh.....
And that was that.
I'm not opposed to a reconciliation but she knows she has a lot of work to do and she see's I'm not playing. Fully half my things are no longer in our place. She says she wants to do couples therapy as well but wanted to know if I was open to the idea that I'm not perfect either and would be willing to work on things. I told her I know I'm not, I'm far from it and I'm always open to improving myself. That made her feel more comfortable to know that not everything needs to be laid on her shoulders I think.
I'm being extremely cautions. My computer is in my living room now and I took an idea from a friend. I stream a lot of my games and I now have my stream going pretty much 24/7 and when I'm not gaming, I set it to private so no one else can see it but it still records. This way if anything crazy does happen it's documented and she knows about that camera and acknowledges the she knows it records everything and her voice when shes in the room. The fact it's now always going though is something she's not aware of, and that's fine.
I'm now fully prepared for the idea of if I need to go, I can on the drop of a dime. I have paperwork set up with the lawyer that can be signed and delivered same day along with temporary custody paperwork to try to rush the court to allow me to take him with me for my boys protection. I can literally pull a trigger right now and set everything into motion. I am interested in seeing how she progresses though. If anything I'd like to see her get better, even if things with her and I don't work, which right now is a 40/60 thing in favor of it not but I am keeping myself open to the idea of "Well, maybe this could be the moment where she realized everything..." We all have those at some point, the thing is, she has to be mentally able and stable enough to keep that going.
If not, trigger pulled.
I do still love her though, and would like to continue the life plans we had together, but now I'm no longer afraid if that ends up not being a possibility as well.
EDIT: I will say that a very attractive girl I used to work with and has always been flirtatious with me found out about everything and has been doing everything in her power to hook up. It's odd because she's, in all honesty, much more attractive than what I should be able to pull. Our personalities are very complimentary to one anothers though so maybe that has something to do with it. She's sent some very color pictures my way and should said trigger be pulled then i plan on pulling another trigger multiple times soon after.
Tarrant
<Prior Amod>
- 16,038
- 9,477
Yeah, I admittedly didn't know much about her prescriptions before all this happened. I knew she was on it...and I knew it was heavy stuff but I wasn't aware of much else. All this has been very educational for me as well and after learning about her drugs and what they do, my mind eased up a bit on being so hard on her.
To her credit, she's been doing well on coming off of it, they are weening off of it more slowly than normal I'm told due to how fragile her state of mind already was. Would be crazy if this whole time it was just that pills fault for a lot of this. I fairly sure it's more than that, but boy would that be an easy fix. Heh.
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Good luck, man. Good for you for getting your shit together so you have an exit strategy, and good for you for being as patient as you are. I hope this works out in the best way possible for your kid.
Famm
Ahn'Qiraj Raider
- 11,041
- 794
All the stuff you're doing sounds great on paper and I really hope it works out well for you somehow. That being said, I'll be the cynical guy here.
You're just delaying the inevitable. Eventually the whole thing will devolve back into living hell and you'll effectively be back at square one compared to where you are now. At least the bills will be separate, hopefully she doesn't run anything up that you can get held to in a divorce. She's likely just going to make an effort for a while and then it will taper off the more your relationship falls back into a routine state. One day you'll be looking back at this time and wishing you had just followed through the first time around instead of wasting more years of your life in this situation. The best thing for you is her going off the deep end again sooner than later, if you find yourself lulled into security through the winter then by this time next year its gone back to shit you'll be kicking yourself.
Hopefully I'm wrong but my honest opinion is pessimistic. I understand you not wanting to bounce too hastily, especially with kids. I've been there I know what its like so I'm not judging you, but I have a hard time believing you shouldn't just walk now while you have already started the ball rolling.
You're just delaying the inevitable. Eventually the whole thing will devolve back into living hell and you'll effectively be back at square one compared to where you are now. At least the bills will be separate, hopefully she doesn't run anything up that you can get held to in a divorce. She's likely just going to make an effort for a while and then it will taper off the more your relationship falls back into a routine state. One day you'll be looking back at this time and wishing you had just followed through the first time around instead of wasting more years of your life in this situation. The best thing for you is her going off the deep end again sooner than later, if you find yourself lulled into security through the winter then by this time next year its gone back to shit you'll be kicking yourself.
Hopefully I'm wrong but my honest opinion is pessimistic. I understand you not wanting to bounce too hastily, especially with kids. I've been there I know what its like so I'm not judging you, but I have a hard time believing you shouldn't just walk now while you have already started the ball rolling.
Tarrant
<Prior Amod>
- 16,038
- 9,477
If she wasn't checking herself into the facility on a regular occasion I probably would have. This is the first time she's every really sought out help on this level though and even if things don't work out for us, I care enough about her to not want to destroy what fragile foundation she has under her at the moment that she built to venture out of her comfort zone to do this. This is the type of woman where if she has to catch a different bus than normal she has an overload of anxiety so I know it took a lot for her to do this.
As far as square one, not at all. Before I was not prepared at all and was tied to her in every way possible. As of right now the only thing we have is a marriage license, our place and of course, our son. I have everything set up to grab the 3rd in the best way possible, dissolve the 1st and the second will be decided in court. Before I had no car and no options and was stuck. Now, I'm free with one phone call and three to five hours of waiting for paper work to be delivered. The only step left at this point would be my leaving but I've seen enough where even if things don't work, I'd like to help her as a person who cares about her and as a decent human being and for the sake of my son to have a mother who is on some level, an adjusted person.
Time frame doesn't matter, nothing is being rejoined in terms of finances or bills. She could go apeshit on Christmas Eve, my lawyer assures me he will still execute it no matter when I need it. With that net under me, I'm more than fine seeing how things turn out. Really, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain....in both scenarios really. (staying and leaving) I've done my best to set myself up and protect myself and my son as best as I could for either scenario.
opiate82
Bronze Squire
- 3,078
- 5
I think you are 99% right about this, but I also think that Tarrant is doing about the only thing he can in this situation. I see the potential to fall into the never-ending cycle but at the same time his wifeISseeking treatment and making an effort. In his situation I'd have a very hard time cutting ties if she was making that effort...
Kirun
Buzzfeed Editor
- 19,676
- 16,089
I tend to agree with Famm on this, but I do know that Effexor is some shit. My wife was literally fucking Jekyl and Hyde on that stuff. Thankfully, she hadn't taken it too long up to that point, so coming off wasn't that bad and didn't take long. It was a fucking nightmare living with her then and I contemplated leaving multiple times.
Tarrant
<Prior Amod>
- 16,038
- 9,477