Thank you thank you thank you! That worked. I will still argue it's fucking stupid I have to use some custom launcher and then edit the settings to leverage such a basic feature, but whatever...seems to be working now.
Also, I found out I have to CALL my voicemail number like it's fucking 1980 to listen to my voicemails. I did, once again, find an app called YouMail, which apparently lets me listen to them on my phone like the iPhone does, but I have yet to test it as I've been pretty busy. I can confirm it must only work with NEW messages(or I need to go in and edit some settings) because I do have at least one saved voicemail that doesn't show up there.
Honestly I am just not that impressed with Android. I can see how if you are a computer geek or savvy linux master this phone gives you the power to do anything you want, but for someone who just wants to pick up a phone and use it in a basic way it actually sucks. Nothing is default smooth or easy to figure out. I'm sure now that I have it all setup it will grow on me and in 2 years I won't even remember this hassle, but whatever. Jimmies rustled.
EDIT: Just confirmed already received messages will not show because it uses a call forwarding technique to gather new messages. It does work on new calls I ignore/don't answer at least.
I do not have that battery settings menu either. ----> NVM Wow found the setting finally buried deep down! I can choose between picture of a battery, circle, % number or nothing. Thanks!