Super Mario Bros. (2022)
- Thread starter gauze
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Guest, it's time once again for the massively important and exciting FoH Asshat Tournament!
Go here and give us your nominations!Who's been the biggest Asshat in the last year? Give us your worst ones!
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Yes they had a Super Mario, Link, Mega man, and Captain N cartoons. They were dogshit and retarded as fuck. They don't work at all.
The theme song was also sang by Ron Jeremy fat Guido looking ass... ok I lie it was Lou albino but might as well of been Ron Jeremy.. shame they didn't do a pron parody
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moonarchia
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Chukzombi
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Runnen
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For a Zelda adaptation I imagine they could pretty easily translate Ocarina of Time to the screen since if you remove most of the time spent doing dungeons in the game the story itself (while good) isn't super convoluted... special child raised by forest folk finds out he had a special destiny, meets a princess and embarks on a quest while Ganondorf plots in the background.. it wouldn't be too much more difficult than successfully adapting Mario, but they would have to cut a lot of stuff to make it just one movie, and it's always risky to play the part 1 / part 2 thing unless they're done all together and coming out 6 months apart.
Another possible Zelda adaptation would be A Link to the Past, and again two movies, the first one starting like the game with your uncle going to save the princess and quickly being defeated and you picking up his quest and going on adventures until you face the sorcerer Aghanim and he escapes into the Dark World and that's where part 1 ends, with part 2 about this weird dark world that mirrors Hyrule and this time Link has to save Zelda and finds out about Ganon being behind Aghanim and confronts him.
Both of those would probably work best in animated form, albeit darker than Mario but not too dark either, Hyrule has creepy elements but it's also very colorful and has a lot of funny characters.
For Metroid, the immediate thought is something like Aliens but the problem is that Aliens works mostly because of its cast and the marines crew and Ripley interacting while facing the xenomorph threat.. Metroid has similar elements since you're in space fighting monsters but what gives it its atmosphere in my opinion is the extreme solitude. In Metroid you're mostly on your own, exploring ruins and wreckages and you fight local creatures and space pirates but you rarely have any outside communication, and that's hard to translate into a movie. Even DOOM adaptations had to go with full teams because the lone protagonist (and mostly silent) doesn't work well. I guess they could add other bounty hunters to the mix like they did for Metroid Prime 3 but then it's not really capturing the essence of most of the franchise, unlike this Mario movie.
This might be doable as a live-action film but with so much CGI required it would probably be best as a serious animated film akin to Final Fantasy (except not shit), or similar to the last Starship Troopers film that was also animated.
Another possible Zelda adaptation would be A Link to the Past, and again two movies, the first one starting like the game with your uncle going to save the princess and quickly being defeated and you picking up his quest and going on adventures until you face the sorcerer Aghanim and he escapes into the Dark World and that's where part 1 ends, with part 2 about this weird dark world that mirrors Hyrule and this time Link has to save Zelda and finds out about Ganon being behind Aghanim and confronts him.
Both of those would probably work best in animated form, albeit darker than Mario but not too dark either, Hyrule has creepy elements but it's also very colorful and has a lot of funny characters.
For Metroid, the immediate thought is something like Aliens but the problem is that Aliens works mostly because of its cast and the marines crew and Ripley interacting while facing the xenomorph threat.. Metroid has similar elements since you're in space fighting monsters but what gives it its atmosphere in my opinion is the extreme solitude. In Metroid you're mostly on your own, exploring ruins and wreckages and you fight local creatures and space pirates but you rarely have any outside communication, and that's hard to translate into a movie. Even DOOM adaptations had to go with full teams because the lone protagonist (and mostly silent) doesn't work well. I guess they could add other bounty hunters to the mix like they did for Metroid Prime 3 but then it's not really capturing the essence of most of the franchise, unlike this Mario movie.
This might be doable as a live-action film but with so much CGI required it would probably be best as a serious animated film akin to Final Fantasy (except not shit), or similar to the last Starship Troopers film that was also animated.
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Chukzombi
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except that one Sandra Bullock flick, Gravity where she is alone in space for most of the film trying to Mcgyver her shit back home
Runnen
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Gravity is a space drama with some tense moments, Metroid is a space monster edging into horror / exploration game (plus platforming obviously but I can't imagine Sandra Bullock doing a lot of morph ball shenanigans).
There's a reason why Aliens starts with 12 Marines + a few people and by the end there's 3 left + a survivor they picked up. Those movies work when people get decimated by the monsters or threats of the environment. In Metroid, if the game is played well, you're the only person facing the threat and you kill and destroy everyone in your way until you win. It doesn't make for a very compelling story unless you add several other characters, and then is it still Metroid?
There's a reason why Aliens starts with 12 Marines + a few people and by the end there's 3 left + a survivor they picked up. Those movies work when people get decimated by the monsters or threats of the environment. In Metroid, if the game is played well, you're the only person facing the threat and you kill and destroy everyone in your way until you win. It doesn't make for a very compelling story unless you add several other characters, and then is it still Metroid?
Big Phoenix
Pronouns: zie/zhem/zer
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For Metroid you wouldnt need to make a 1 for 1 adaptation. Samus could be a bounty hunter taking a job to deal with a weird alien on a new colony, or maybe she helps some scientist clean up a space station after an alien got loose. Half of making a good game>movie is properly translating whats perfectly fine in a video game to the big screen(something tells me a close 1 to 1 of motherbrain probably wouldnt work, or how do you portray a jellyfish that sucks the soul out of your body and turns you to dust, or hell the morph ball how does that work with a real living breathing person or Ridley, is he really gonna be a dragon?)
But an adult, serious Metroid akin to The Road or Gravity as mentioned showing Samus descend through Zebes as she learns about her history would be nice.
But an adult, serious Metroid akin to The Road or Gravity as mentioned showing Samus descend through Zebes as she learns about her history would be nice.
What are you talking about it was amazing.
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Chukzombi
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she can have a sassy but cute robot companion, one that can identify what some of the space monsters are and can help her defeat them. then at some point it gets destroyed so she has to face the increasingly harder beasts on her own with nobody to even talk to cept maybe a friend at HQ who is worried about her trying to get a ship to bring her back home. it all sounds like a serious movie. i dont know if you can make a fun exciting film out of this. there are no blowjobs and unicorns along the way.
TheNozz
Bronze Baron of the Realm
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A Metroid film could start with a team of cliched action hero types who get killed about 1/3 of the way through and then introduce Samus as the Federations last option.
keep her a silent protagonist with some kind of Mission Control operator as the voice of the film and then reveal her identity and let her speak when it’s over.
keep her a silent protagonist with some kind of Mission Control operator as the voice of the film and then reveal her identity and let her speak when it’s over.
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Szlia
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At some point, John Woo's production company option'ed or maybe even bought the movie rights for Metroid. That would have been a weird one.
As far as doing a single protagonist movie, I feel like many horror and adventure movies, without even touching the more arty things, have huge chunks in them with only a single character. Things like The Decent or REC come to mind. The Revenant also... most of The Martian... Even not going that far into the arty territory, you have things like All Is Lost by Chandor with Redford alone on a sinking sailboat. If you feel things get too dry, you can always insert some flashbacks here and there, or have the character taking audio logs. A movie could also expand on the Metroid universe with the space pirates and the bounty hunters and places that are not ancient ruins and abandoned mining facilities. Personally, I would enjoy if somehow Metroid ended in the hands of some borderline experimental filmaker (I mean, we have Gerwig and Baumbach doing a Barbie movie, so anything is possible!) and we got an almost totally silent exploration movie all about atmosphere. Like a Terrence Malik or one of these Thai director like Pen-ek Ratanaruang or Apichatpong Weerasethakul (both made very atmospheric films set in the jungle).
As far as doing a single protagonist movie, I feel like many horror and adventure movies, without even touching the more arty things, have huge chunks in them with only a single character. Things like The Decent or REC come to mind. The Revenant also... most of The Martian... Even not going that far into the arty territory, you have things like All Is Lost by Chandor with Redford alone on a sinking sailboat. If you feel things get too dry, you can always insert some flashbacks here and there, or have the character taking audio logs. A movie could also expand on the Metroid universe with the space pirates and the bounty hunters and places that are not ancient ruins and abandoned mining facilities. Personally, I would enjoy if somehow Metroid ended in the hands of some borderline experimental filmaker (I mean, we have Gerwig and Baumbach doing a Barbie movie, so anything is possible!) and we got an almost totally silent exploration movie all about atmosphere. Like a Terrence Malik or one of these Thai director like Pen-ek Ratanaruang or Apichatpong Weerasethakul (both made very atmospheric films set in the jungle).
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Big Phoenix
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You forgot whats basically a blueprint for a Metroid movie, The Very Pulse of the Machine from Love Death Robots.
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jayrebb
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Anything Pratt works on will get panned by critics. Not only for the aforementioned reasons but also because of who he married.
Ambiturner
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Kirun
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Ravishing
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Mario's Fri, Sat, Sun domestic beats Frozen 2 by 14 million.
144 million vs 130.
Mario 5 day domestic is 204M
So 60 million Weds/Thurs that takes away from Fri- Sun tally.
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