Terrible Jokes Thread

I was on the ISS once. I was trying to find some milk for my coffee. I looked and looked, but couldn't locate any. Finally I told one of the other astronauts, "hey i can't find any milk for my coffee!'' He smiled and said, "In space, no one can. Here, use cream".

This is worth the 18 seconds....

A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah.
While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked,
"I'll bet the antelope gets away."

The wife answered, "If that antelope survives this one, I'll give you sex every day for the rest of your life."
The deadly chase was recorded. 18 second video.
Click here…

Ossoi's favorite joke:

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Why does Batman only cover half his face? So police will know he's white..

Two men broke in to a pharmacy and stole all the viagra. Police said to be on the lookout for hardened criminals

Q - Who cooks in a Lesbian relationship?

1. Nobody- they both eat out..

A man and his ex-wife fight over custody of their children.

The judge first asks the ex-wife to give him a reason why she should have the child.

"I had him in my womb for 9 months, so he is mine"

The judge is almost convinced but must first see the man's side. So the judge asks the man why he should receive custody of the child.

The man thought long and hard. Finally, he speaks:

"Your honour, if you went to a vending machine and put in a dollar and got a Coke, whose drink is it?"

The family recently found out that Gramps was addicted to Viagra.

No one is taking it harder than Granny.

Why do Emo kids wear white belts?

Because they suck at karate.

slightly off topic but gold...

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?

"No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says ... Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".

She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed.

They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."

"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

Why was Helen Keller a true inspiration?

Why did the chicken cross the road

Probably Haitians