Terrible Jokes Thread

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MusicForFish

MusicForFish

Ultra Maga Instinct
<Prior Amod>
34,755
135,556
Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.

The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"

The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"

Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"

The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.

"A cat," Schrödinger replies.

The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."

Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."
 
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Brahma

Brahma

Obi-Bro Kenobi-X
12,641
47,188
I was on the ISS once. I was trying to find some milk for my coffee. I looked and looked, but couldn't locate any. Finally I told one of the other astronauts, "hey i can't find any milk for my coffee!'' He smiled and said, "In space, no one can. Here, use cream".
 
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Kais

Kais

<Gold Donor>
890
1,698
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."
 
  • 16Worf
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loudgas

loudgas

Golden Baronet of the Realm
3,875
19,189
This is worth the 18 seconds....

A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah.
While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked,
"I'll bet the antelope gets away."

The wife answered, "If that antelope survives this one, I'll give you sex every day for the rest of your life."
The deadly chase was recorded. 18 second video.
Click here…
 
  • 10Worf
Reactions: 9 users
Fucker

Fucker

Log Wizard
12,941
29,669
Ossoi's favorite joke:

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Pick it up and suck its dick.
 
  • 6Worf
Reactions: 5 users
MusicForFish

MusicForFish

Ultra Maga Instinct
<Prior Amod>
34,755
135,556
An Israeli doctor says:” In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.

The German doctor says:” That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.

The Russian doctor says:” Gentlemen, we take half of a heart from a man, put it in another’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.

The Canadian doctor laughs: ”You are all behind us. Four years ago, we took a man with no heart, no brain and no balls, and made him a Prime Minister. Now, the whole country is looking for work”.
 
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loudgas

loudgas

Golden Baronet of the Realm
3,875
19,189
Why does Batman only cover half his face? So police will know he's white..

Two men broke in to a pharmacy and stole all the viagra. Police said to be on the lookout for hardened criminals

Q - Who cooks in a Lesbian relationship?

  1. Nobody- they both eat out..
 
  • 1Midwit
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Reactions: 1 users
Scoresby

Scoresby

Trakanon Raider
793
1,475
A man and his ex-wife fight over custody of their children.

The judge first asks the ex-wife to give him a reason why she should have the child.

"I had him in my womb for 9 months, so he is mine"

The judge is almost convinced but must first see the man's side. So the judge asks the man why he should receive custody of the child.

The man thought long and hard. Finally, he speaks:

"Your honour, if you went to a vending machine and put in a dollar and got a Coke, whose drink is it?"
 
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Reactions: 3 users
Fyff

Fyff

Ahn'Qiraj Raider
2,729
5,385
The family recently found out that Gramps was addicted to Viagra.

No one is taking it harder than Granny.
 
  • 4Worf
Reactions: 3 users
1

1987

Bronze Baronet of the Realm
3,608
8,218
Why do Emo kids wear white belts?

Because they suck at karate.
 
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loudgas

loudgas

Golden Baronet of the Realm
3,875
19,189
slightly off topic but gold...

Go Away

This site may contain personal misinformation and/or photos of bees.
27bslash6.com 27bslash6.com
 
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Reactions: 1 user
T

TJR

Naxxramas 1.0 Raider
2,568
30,388
A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?

"No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says ... Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".

She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed.

They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."

"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
 
  • 7Worf
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Kais

Kais

<Gold Donor>
890
1,698
What's the difference between a lightbulb and an IT-admin?

The lightbulb stops working when it burns out
 
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Hoss

Hoss

Make America's Team Great Again
<Gold Donor>
27,535
15,928
Vets don't want you to know this, but when your pup has a fever, you should give it mustard. Mustard is the best thing for a hot dog.
 
  • 2Worf
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Fogel

Fogel

Mr. Poopybutthole
13,347
52,912
1720645754091.jpeg
 
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TheNozz

TheNozz

Bronze Baron of the Realm
8,066
41,115
Why was Helen Keller a true inspiration?

She learned to read and write, despite being from Alabama.
 
  • 6Worf
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RobXIII

RobXIII

Urinal Cake Consumption King
<Gold Donor>
3,870
2,278
TheNozz said:
Why was Helen Keller a true inspiration?

She learned to read and write, despite being from Alabama.
Click to expand...

Reminded me of that tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder

Everlasting Luv
 
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Reactions: 1 users
1

1987

Bronze Baronet of the Realm
3,608
8,218
Why did the chicken cross the road

Probably Haitians
 
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Reactions: 1 user
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