Analyzing Yourself

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slippery

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I'd like to make a few comments before I get into this post. If you just want to be an asshole or troll, please do it elsewhere. If someone thinks this thread is better elsewhere, feel free to move it but this feels like the place for it. I'm more here for peoples thoughts on life experiences and how they personally deal with things and what they do. I don't know what I'm going to say, and I'm not entirely sure in my point of making the post. It'll be long, and there will be a lot of tangents, I don't blame you for not reading it but if you do and have constructive thoughts I greatly appreciate your time.

I think a lot. It's part of my personality. I'd even go so far as to say I think too much. I analyze the shit out of everything, including myself. I'm always looking at alternative outcomes, possibilities. If I know I'm going to have a discussion about something I've probably thought of 20 different ways it could go. Mildly amusing, because as I type this it's just a spur of the moment freedom of thought post. I'm just typing what I'm thinking, because it's 3am and I need someone to talk to but the people I would are all asleep because lives.

A lot of my thinking is just because of how my brain is wired and is part of the human equation. I've done a lot of looking at my personality lately, including testing what I am and just analyzing myself.

My personality according to this test is ISTP, you can read about it here if you so desire. ISTP Strengths and Weaknesses | 16Personalities

Why have I been thinking about myself so much? I'm displeased with where I am in my life and I want to change it. I feel stuck. To some degree I am, but I'm sure that's part of my own limited thinking. Everyone I know thinks I'm a very smart person. I think I'm an intelligent idiot. I do dumb things and self sabotage unknowingly. I'm wise. But there is a lot I don't understand. I'm 31. When I was 13 I fell in love hard with a girl. There was a lot of off and on, although we never actually slept with each other. We were each others first kiss, and it was the kind of kiss in a scene that is straight from a movie. We could practically read thoughts. We had a serious connection. I could feel when she was having problems, I just knew. We lived a world apart though, and there was problems. I'm not going to go into detail about it now to any real extent. She lived in Connecticut, I lived in Florida. We talked and tried relationship things a few times as kids but what can you really do there. We both had other relationships over the years. I had a 3 year relationship at one point in high school. Anyways out of High School I joined the Air Force. When I was 20 I was visiting family in Connecticut while on leave and we went on a few dates. This is the girl I loved for so much time at that point, and every fiber of my being knows she felt the same. She cried a lot the last night we got to spend together. She had been telling all her friends about me, how she was going to be in my area in the spring and wanted to spend a bunch of time together (all her idea, not mine). The tears and emotion, the look in her eyes, it was all real. I talked to her on the phone New Years eve that year, and that was the last time I ever heard from her. I know she's okay, I had a friend make sure of it some months after. She just never called, never returned any calls, never even wrote a letter. This is a girl I had known for 8 years, had spent time with, knew, loved. Just vanished, dropped out of my life completely. I've still never talked to her since 11 years later.

It destroyed me. It literally broke me. I just could never understand what happened. She had shaped a lot of my personality and who I was. I was an extremely quiet introverted child. Going into Sophomore year of high school after the summer when we kissed changed my life. I became a supremely confident person. I could read people, I didn't doubt myself. I did amazing in whatever I wanted. I was the best at what I wanted to do and I knew it. I made friends, I knew when girls liked me, I was just a presence, I could make girls like me easily. I trusted myself. We didn't always talk a lot over those 8 years, the communication came and went. This was before everyone had cell phones and computer, it was hard. Sometimes we wrote letters, sometimes we had access to email. But she was a significant part of my life.

When she vanished from my life it destroyed everything about me. I no longer trusted myself. I just could not understand why she vanished. Not knowing is the worst part. The complete lack of closure or reasoning is impossible to deal with. How can you be confident in yourself when you can't understand how something so insane could happen? Over the years I've come up with hundreds of potential reasons ranging from I was just completely wrong about her feelings and she was just wanting a piece on the side but couldn't go through with it, to she cared too much and psyched herself out of it because the feelings were too much.

I guess the whole point of this is when I look at myself, I think this is one of the places in my life that has determined a lot of what has happened since. It's a critical turning point, and one that still impacts me today. Over the years I've learned to accept that there are things I will just not understand because other people think in ways that are completely alien to me. I've accepted that I will likely never know the answer, and I'm not sure if I could have the conversation with her to find out. I'm not even sure if I could know and it would set me free, or if it would be a relapse of sorts.

I've sabotaged a lot of my relationships over the years. Not intentionally, but when I look back I can see things I did that I know I should have done differently, but did as a reaction because of how I got destroyed. A lot of my time lately when I have too much time to think has been on these things. What did I do wrong, what should I have done differently. Like I said, way overactive brain.

As an aside, the introvert brain truly is wired differently. Interesting article http://io9.gizmodo.com/the-science-behind-extroversion-and-introversion-1282059791

I'm conscious of my downfalls, I'm more self aware then I've ever been. I understand my own weaknesses, and I'm always actively trying to prevent myself from doing dumb things. I've now got something of a plan for how to try to fix my life, although I'm not always sure how to get there.

But some days, like today I do dumb things. I think too much. I google girl that crushed my soul to make sure she's okay. I don't think I've done it in 5 years, and probably only done it 3 times ever. She's okay, she seems like she's living a decent life and is happy. This makes it harder for me, because I know I'm not happy with my life. It's not that I resent her or anything like that, it's more just self reflection that I need to figure out how to be happy, which probably starts with figuring out what exactly it is that would make me happy.

I guess I'm not really sure why I'm making this post. I could probably just delete it without posting it and it would be whatever. I feel like this isn't what I intended the post to be when I started making it, but it's what's on my mind. I think what I'm mainly looking for is have you ever really been unhappy in your life? What did you do to change it? Are you happy with your life? What did it take to get you there?

I feel like an idiot, because I'm going to hit create thread. RIP me.
 
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slippery

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I feel like my self destruct idiocy level is off the charts tonight. I can neither believe I posted this, nor that I'm leaving it.
 

Mrs. Gravy

Quite Saucy
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I am glad you posted it and that you allowed it to remain. As far as answers to your questions though, I will have to take time to evaluate myself more...that being stated, the trite but true strategy for me is that life really can be too short. I am not wasting it on regret.
 

Mr_Bungle

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Pretty interesting to see the comparisons between personality types. My test results come back as INTP so I'm also capable of self torture through constant analyzation even if the event was years ago. Not sure if it makes much of a difference but I'm just entering my 20s next month.

I had a similar situation with a girl about 5 years ago, we got along great, hung out constantly, (Never dated but we did like each other) but like clockwork my introversion got the best of me and I became "emotionally clumbsy." Then school ended and she moved down to Georgia with some family. We remained friends for a short while, I would occasionally call her to see how she was.

Eventually I got tired of having to initiate contact and thus started to question whether it was worth my effort. Subsequently I had to evaluate the entire situation because introversion and came to the conclusion that while I enjoyed our time together she obviously had other plans for herself. Realizing that made it easier for me to adjust because it eliminated any uncertain gray areas that would have otherwise prompted me to keep reevaluating the situation endlessly. This put the entire situation into black and white. Not to promote arbitrary decisions or Split Thinking.

A few years later through the grapevine I heard she got married, now has a kid, and found Jesus. Hearing this surprisingly gave me the last bit of closure I needed to not care anymore.

TLDR: I can empathize with your situation. I'm not completely happy due to the nature of being human, but you should try to place happiness in goals and ideas which are static, in contrast to people whose actions are governed by emotions and irrationality. Take an art class or a sport and find someone within that group who shares your ideals if you want someone in your life again.
 

Mures

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I had a long distance high school sweetheart thing myself. Even though I later dated other people I would always compare them to her in my mind and couldn't stop thinking about her. We just connected on a level I never have with anyone else. So I can understand that sabotaging new relationships. Turns out, fate, we got back together and she is my wife now so its hard for me to say how to move past that. But it sounds like there are other areas in your life where you are unhappy that you can improve so I would work towards those goals and maybe the other things will sort themselves out.
 

Noodleface

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Sometimes I wonder if I'm undiagnosed autistic

Generally happy with my life. My wife not cleaning sets me off.
 
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Soygen

The Dirty Dozen For the Price of One
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slippery slippery have you ever spoken to a professional therapist about this? It's completely normal to be fucked up from a broken heart. It's not normal to still be like this a decade later.
 
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Noodleface

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I finally read the post.

I can sort of relate.

I became infatuated with a girl in high-school from a distance. She was drop dead gorgeous and seemed to have a good personality. One day randomly in a guitar chat room on AOL (yep) someone said they were from my city so we started chatting. It was her... I actually confessed how i had secretly liked her for awhile, something about the strange coincidence of meeting her there made me spill it.

It was then a whirlwind of dating and all of that sappy shit. Lot of 'movie moments' and such. I fell in love hard and she ended up moving away. We kept in touch but she had crazy personal things going on and ended up moving around the globe.

We caught up a couple years ago and I always wondered if my life mightve been different. She's really happy with a husband and kids and obviously I'm happily (lol) married so nothing will ever come of it.

I still find myself thinking about her... Almost 20 years later. Should I see a therapist?
 

ZyyzYzzy

RIP USA
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I finally read the post.

I can sort of relate.

I became infatuated with a girl in high-school from a distance. She was drop dead gorgeous and seemed to have a good personality. One day randomly in a guitar chat room on AOL (yep) someone said they were from my city so we started chatting. It was her... I actually confessed how i had secretly liked her for awhile, something about the strange coincidence of meeting her there made me spill it.

It was then a whirlwind of dating and all of that sappy shit. Lot of 'movie moments' and such. I fell in love hard and she ended up moving away. We kept in touch but she had crazy personal things going on and ended up moving around the globe.

We caught up a couple years ago and I always wondered if my life mightve been different. She's really happy with a husband and kids and obviously I'm happily (lol) married so nothing will ever come of it.

I still find myself thinking about her... Almost 20 years later. Should I see a therapist?
Does she do household chores in a timely manner?

Also with the shear ease of looking someone up nowadays, I can understand the feels you get when you do OP, but sounds like you may need to see someone if it is affecting you as much as you say
 

Noodleface

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Does she do household chores in a timely manner?

Also with the shear ease of looking someone up nowadays, I can understand the feels you get when you do OP, but sounds like you may need to see someone if it is affecting you as much as you say

Oh it's even better. Now she doesn't have a lustrous career but she works as a bus driver and takes the kids with her during the day (no daycare) and also their house is spotless
 
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Hoss

Make America's Team Great Again
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You might need to find Jesus. Believing in a higher power will help you realize that you are exactly what you're supposed to be. You aint broke, you are just right.

Getting over that woman is another thing altogether. Nothing wrong with wanting to learn from your mistakes, but some things are unknowable. Among those things are what's going on in a woman's head.
 

iannis

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Heartbreak lasting a decade is bad news.

It doesn't have to be a therapist, but you have to find some way to integrate that harm. And if you're still broken up about it a decade later there is still significant harm being done.

I was destroyed for five years or so after a particularly hard breakup. What finally allowed me to move on is when I was finally able to admit that she was RIGHT to leave, to pinpoint the reasons why she did, and to work to change them.

Some of them changed, some of them did not. I mean... fuck her, really. But the action of being able to admit that this was harm done to me, a large portion of it was self harm, and the ability to correct that -- it gave me a closure that she was never able to. basically... you have to change who you are.

And it's not fun. There were three weeks where I felt like I was emotionally menstrating before I finally turned the corner. Five years of regret, denial, self pity, and self loathing compacted into three weeks. I could barely eat, sleep, think, or work. It was, and i'm not being hyperbolic, a personality crisis event.

But I'd trade those three fucking weeks for those five fucking years GLADY, given a chance to do it. I'd feel that way for three fucking months to get those five years back.

What I cannot say is that given another chance I would treat her better and she would stay this time. Because I know that I wouldn't treat her any differently, and I know she would still have to leave.

You have to let yourself mourn and you have to find a way to be ok with the fact that you just weren't good enough. Or right enough. Or however you want to think of it. For that time and for that place.
 
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Tenks

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I finally read the post.

I can sort of relate.

I became infatuated with a girl in high-school from a distance. She was drop dead gorgeous and seemed to have a good personality. One day randomly in a guitar chat room on AOL (yep) someone said they were from my city so we started chatting. It was her... I actually confessed how i had secretly liked her for awhile, something about the strange coincidence of meeting her there made me spill it.

It was then a whirlwind of dating and all of that sappy shit. Lot of 'movie moments' and such. I fell in love hard and she ended up moving away. We kept in touch but she had crazy personal things going on and ended up moving around the globe.

We caught up a couple years ago and I always wondered if my life mightve been different. She's really happy with a husband and kids and obviously I'm happily (lol) married so nothing will ever come of it.

I still find myself thinking about her... Almost 20 years later. Should I see a therapist?

Hm thats kind of weird. I really moved on from all my past relationships and my rose-tinted HS relationships after meeting my wife. Maybe the best thing to do would be delete her from facebook.
 
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Noodleface

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Hm thats kind of weird. I really moved on from all my past relationships and my rose-tinted HS relationships after meeting my wife. Maybe the best thing to do would be delete her from facebook.
I already did but only because her Bernie support was really grinding my gears

And it was just the one. I had one recently try to reconnect by messaging me. I didn't even toss her a friend request after. Just left it alone.

Another one I met and asked if I wanted to toss her a bone in the back of her monte Carlo and I declined. Just ain't worth it.
 

Tenks

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Slippery I think that possibly breaking out of your current rut and shell would do you a world of good. I know when I was mega depressed in college I did nothing but play WoW and live in the past. The truth is no matter how great the past seems that is because you only recall a certain select set of good memories. Human nature is designed to get rid of the bad stuff so it is really easy to think back and say "Man things were perfect back then" and start getting depressed about the current state. I've had two girls in the past that I've just given way, way too much thought and effort. Just realize that clearly she meant more to you than you did to her and you cannot and will not ever change that fact. It doesn't matter if it felt like you had this strong connection because you were obviously incorrect. Move on. For your own mental sake. There are plenty of women out there and I absolutely do not believe in the concept of "the one." There are others who you are simply compatible with and there is a massive swath of them out there. You just need to find one that also finds you compatible.
 
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iannis

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Nah, all that seems pretty normal noodle.

Old flame is a trope for a reason.

Life happens, decisions are made, we question "what if i'd made this other decision instead?"

It's healthy.
 
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Tenks

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I already did but only because her Bernie support was really grinding my gears

And it was just the one. I had one recently try to reconnect by messaging me. I didn't even toss her a friend request after. Just left it alone.

Another one I met and asked if I wanted to toss her a bone in the back of her monte Carlo and I declined. Just ain't worth it.

Some chick on facebook sends me a new friend request literally once every 6 months and I've been denying it for like 5 years now. I don't even really remember her from high school. I guess she must have stopped I don't recall getting one this year yet. I guess she took offense when I went on my mass facebook friend deletion spree to trim it down to ~60 people.
 

chthonic-anemos

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I just could never understand what happened.
She was practicing laps with you. She was emotional in that she felt sorry for you because she knew that you thought the finish line was real.
I think too much.
More like you 'member too much. Stopping to 'member the last time you pulled over.
I need to figure out how to be happy, which probably starts with figuring out what exactly it is that would make me happy.
Excellent idea, goodluck!
 
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Soygen

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I still find myself thinking about her... Almost 20 years later. Should I see a therapist?
Did she "break you" and basically make you hate your life for over a decade like the OP? If no, then probably not. That said, I can think of a few things you might want to see a therapist about.
 

Noodleface

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Did she "break you" and basically make you hate your life for over a decade like the OP? If no, then probably not. That said, I can think of a few things you might want to see a therapist about.
Nah not broken, I guess just curious.

And look man I told you my dick works all the time, I don't know what happened that night.