Analyzing Yourself

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Lambourne

Lambourne

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I can certainly relate to a point, overanalyzing and mulling about the past. I ended up stagnating for years, never actually making progress with the things that were bothering me most (being permanently single mostly, being out of shape and overweight second). Mostly distracting myself with WoW etc.

I have found great help in the PUA scene. Not the redpill-alpha-male bullshit, but the self-improvement aspect of it. Particularly increasing self respect (which, like all respect, is earned) which in turn makes you less in need of external validation which was a huge issue for me, and from what you wrote seems to affect you as well. You felt confident when that girl loved you because it validated you, gave you self worth - and when she left, so did your self worth. Getting rejected by a girl (even one on a dating site that I hadn't even met in real life) was crushing for me because it confirms the idea that you have no worth.

Increasing your self-respect, your love of self will do much to alleviate this (becoming what they call internally validated) For me, much of this was from regular excercise, healthy eating and generally treating myself a lot better. Also, a lot of reading a lot of articles on this.
I really recommend Mark Manson's book and articles, he's defnitely one of the best and non-seedy things to come out of the PUA movement.

Read these two and see if they don't resonate with you like they did for me:
Where Do You Get Your Validation?
Why You Can't Trust Yourself
 
slippery

slippery

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I think you misunderstand some of the points I was trying to make. What I mean by that statement is she broke my personality and injected a lot of second guessing and self doubt in my life for a long time. Those are traits I would no longer associate with myself. I spent a good 5 years putting copious amounts of thought into and trying to figure out what happened. About 5 years ago I just accepted it and learned to live with it. I'm more who I was, and less who it turned me into. My thinking about it now on extremely rare occasions is usually triggered by something, and the thoughts are more in a manner of what do I do wrong so I don't do it again (which is the hardest part of her just leaving without me knowing why).

I guess what I mean is that it was a defining moment in my life that determined a lot my actions for a long time. It's not something I should just forget, because it made me who I am. Just living with it and accepting it is the only real way. It's not me looking back at it and dwelling, it's looking back at it and going okay so what can I do now, what is the solution.

My sabotaging relationships isn't all about this either. I have a hard time finding what I'm looking for. The personality thing is incredibly accurate, and things I realized years ago. I need a few things in relationships. I need someone I can just BE with. Someone who I can do things with, love, and just enjoy. I cannot be with someone who needs my 24/7 attention and always wants to talk about everything. It'll drive me insane. Some of my relationships have been with people like this, and it just does not work. I didn't always realize, and I didn't know how to handle it. This is going to sound like an ironic and untrue statement, but it's incredibly true. I generally don't dwell on things. I might think about them and try to understand them, but I don't get stuck on them. Every day is a new day, I just deal with things as they come and move on to the next thing. This isn't always good, I'm sure there are things I should spend more time ono, but it's who I am. I'm generally a very low stress no drama person. This impacted me enough that I made the post last night, but today I'm completely fine. If I'm in a relationship with someone and everything is drama and emotions and feelings, I'm probably not going to last. I can usually pinpoint the point of failure in my relationships, and I just understand I'm a hard person to be with. I'm not going to be spending time pouring my heart out in a relationship

I dunno, I feel like I understand my pitfalls in life, especially emotionally, and have a pretty keen filter for them. I pull myself out of slumps. I think this is in no small part being able to analyze myself and figure out what happened, which is one of the reasons this event impacted me so hard. The lack of ever being able to truly find the answer
 
iannis

iannis

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honestly, that's at the heart of a lot of it.

But if you find yourself in the woods beating on a drum you've taken it a step to far and need to stop being just a different kind of pussy.

That sounds meaner than I meant. lol.

step 1) don't be a pussy
step 2) see step 1.

step 0 is the hard part. It is legitimately difficult sometimes.
 
slippery

slippery

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Lambourne said:
I can certainly relate to a point, overanalyzing and mulling about the past. I ended up stagnating for years, never actually making progress with the things that were bothering me most (being permanently single mostly, being out of shape and overweight second). Mostly distracting myself with WoW etc.

I have found great help in the PUA scene. Not the redpill-alpha-male bullshit, but the self-improvement aspect of it. Particularly increasing self respect (which, like all respect, is earned) which in turn makes you less in need of external validation which was a huge issue for me, and from what you wrote seems to affect you as well. You felt confident when that girl loved you because it validated you, gave you self worth - and when she left, so did your self worth. Getting rejected by a girl (even one on a dating site that I hadn't even met in real life) was crushing for me because it confirms the idea that you have no worth.

Increasing your self-respect, your love of self will do much to alleviate this (becoming what they call internally validated) For me, much of this was from regular excercise, healthy eating and generally treating myself a lot better. Also, a lot of reading a lot of articles on this.
I really recommend Mark Manson's book and articles, he's defnitely one of the best and non-seedy things to come out of the PUA movement.

Read these two and see if they don't resonate with you like they did for me:
Where Do You Get Your Validation?
Why You Can't Trust Yourself
Click to expand...

Thank you for the thoughts, I will definitely take a look at this stuff. Your post sounds pretty close to home
 
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T

Tenks

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As funny as it sounds the thing that actually helped most with my self confidence is the constant rejection of online dating. It lead me to finally realize I will never be appealing to everyone I meet every single day and that is absolutely and perfectly fine. Prior to online dating I kept looking for "the one" until I realized that stereotype doesn't exist. It finally got me over my fear of rejection which was crippling me for so long. After I did online dating for around 6 months I completely transformed into a person who was confident in who I was and wasn't willing to completely morph to be with anyone. Prior to that if a girl I liked asked me to do or be anything the default answer was "Absolutely."
 
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TrollfaceDeux

TrollfaceDeux

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slippery said:
I'd like to make a few comments before I get into this post. If you just want to be an asshole or troll, please do it elsewhere. If someone thinks this thread is better elsewhere, feel free to move it but this feels like the place for it. I'm more here for peoples thoughts on life experiences and how they personally deal with things and what they do. I don't know what I'm going to say, and I'm not entirely sure in my point of making the post. It'll be long, and there will be a lot of tangents, I don't blame you for not reading it but if you do and have constructive thoughts I greatly appreciate your time.

I think a lot. It's part of my personality. I'd even go so far as to say I think too much. I analyze the shit out of everything, including myself. I'm always looking at alternative outcomes, possibilities. If I know I'm going to have a discussion about something I've probably thought of 20 different ways it could go. Mildly amusing, because as I type this it's just a spur of the moment freedom of thought post. I'm just typing what I'm thinking, because it's 3am and I need someone to talk to but the people I would are all asleep because lives.

A lot of my thinking is just because of how my brain is wired and is part of the human equation. I've done a lot of looking at my personality lately, including testing what I am and just analyzing myself.

My personality according to this test is ISTP, you can read about it here if you so desire. ISTP Strengths and Weaknesses | 16Personalities

Why have I been thinking about myself so much? I'm displeased with where I am in my life and I want to change it. I feel stuck. To some degree I am, but I'm sure that's part of my own limited thinking. Everyone I know thinks I'm a very smart person. I think I'm an intelligent idiot. I do dumb things and self sabotage unknowingly. I'm wise. But there is a lot I don't understand. I'm 31. When I was 13 I fell in love hard with a girl. There was a lot of off and on, although we never actually slept with each other. We were each others first kiss, and it was the kind of kiss in a scene that is straight from a movie. We could practically read thoughts. We had a serious connection. I could feel when she was having problems, I just knew. We lived a world apart though, and there was problems. I'm not going to go into detail about it now to any real extent. She lived in Connecticut, I lived in Florida. We talked and tried relationship things a few times as kids but what can you really do there. We both had other relationships over the years. I had a 3 year relationship at one point in high school. Anyways out of High School I joined the Air Force. When I was 20 I was visiting family in Connecticut while on leave and we went on a few dates. This is the girl I loved for so much time at that point, and every fiber of my being knows she felt the same. She cried a lot the last night we got to spend together. She had been telling all her friends about me, how she was going to be in my area in the spring and wanted to spend a bunch of time together (all her idea, not mine). The tears and emotion, the look in her eyes, it was all real. I talked to her on the phone New Years eve that year, and that was the last time I ever heard from her. I know she's okay, I had a friend make sure of it some months after. She just never called, never returned any calls, never even wrote a letter. This is a girl I had known for 8 years, had spent time with, knew, loved. Just vanished, dropped out of my life completely. I've still never talked to her since 11 years later.

It destroyed me. It literally broke me. I just could never understand what happened. She had shaped a lot of my personality and who I was. I was an extremely quiet introverted child. Going into Sophomore year of high school after the summer when we kissed changed my life. I became a supremely confident person. I could read people, I didn't doubt myself. I did amazing in whatever I wanted. I was the best at what I wanted to do and I knew it. I made friends, I knew when girls liked me, I was just a presence, I could make girls like me easily. I trusted myself. We didn't always talk a lot over those 8 years, the communication came and went. This was before everyone had cell phones and computer, it was hard. Sometimes we wrote letters, sometimes we had access to email. But she was a significant part of my life.

When she vanished from my life it destroyed everything about me. I no longer trusted myself. I just could not understand why she vanished. Not knowing is the worst part. The complete lack of closure or reasoning is impossible to deal with. How can you be confident in yourself when you can't understand how something so insane could happen? Over the years I've come up with hundreds of potential reasons ranging from I was just completely wrong about her feelings and she was just wanting a piece on the side but couldn't go through with it, to she cared too much and psyched herself out of it because the feelings were too much.
Click to expand...
I was or am at the same part of that life. I fell hard for this girl and laid it all down. Shit didn't go as planned and she didn't want any relationship, so I let it be. I find out that is not the case and ask her again. Nope. Still say no. Didn't understand, maybe she wanted me to chase her to the end of the earth. maybe she was looking for a crazy adventure and someone to give her happy ending or something. That was like 4 years ago. I changed job. She went back to school.

It is a bittersweet feeling that keeps you attached to humanside while you pursue your pragmatic dreams. Right now, I am hoping I can nail this blonde from work.

On the pragmatic side, I am no longer the man that I was 5 years ago. My pursuit of love has changed me greatly and I no longer look back. it is now just a momento. Time when I was romantic and dreamed all kinds of things. I was a late boomer. 23. Was a drop out. Working midnight shift.

After 2 years, being trapped to a job so unrewarding and meeting same people over and over, I dropped my family and moved to a different place by myself. I saved up $10,000. I got a job as a salesperson. Met new people. Talked to hundreds of people of all kind. Found new family in a completely new setting. My boss was like father that I never had. My mom was the receptionist who took good care of the employees. It was pretty cool experience.

Moved to other dealership and different setting. Learned that this dealership was strictly professional and nobody trusted anyone. Realized it was not a place I wanted to work for and I had the complete option to choose whether I should stay or not. I came to conclusion that I was no man's slave, including myself. I do not belong to my thought. I am not a slave to mediocrity and decadence. I can do and be anything.

I moved back to my hometown after 2 years. I was a changed man. I no longer desired simple life. I saw depression and overthinking (I was also a overthinker. depressed for good part of my life since 16) was weakness. I tire myself out from working full time job and full time school.

I do not look back anymore. I am 26. I am too old for this shit. I need to change the world. I seek out failures. I want to take on new challenges. I don't want to just sit and watch 10 years pass by anymore.
 
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Echuta

Echuta

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I can tell you that I have traversed a similar path you are traveling through right now, Slip. 20 years ago (yeah that long) my HS girlfriend of 2 years cheated and left me while I was at college. There were a couple warning signs prior to that eventual nail in the coffin but I chose to ignore them and attempt the long distance relationship because I was just so sure she loved me as much as I loved her over the 2 years. Like you, it impacted the relationships I had in college where I was just looking for something close to what I felt then. I dated some girls, cheated on others myself, and just started banging every sorority girl I could find but now and then I would catch myself wondering about where she was, how she was doing, and if she ever thought of me (This was just before the Myspace/FB days). Most of all, I struggled with the "why did she do this to me?" I never got an answer or an apology when it ended. It was very quick, very hurtful, and then no contact.

Over the next few years I moved on. I thought about her less and less and one lucky day I met the woman who would be my wife. My ex impacted my current relationship somewhat but, luckily, my wife helped me with it and I'm forever grateful she has been patient with me as I worked stuff out.

A few years ago that same HS ex found me on FB and sent me an invite to add me as a friend. The adage "they never call/come back until you truly forget them" was never more true. We exchanged idle chit chat and a couple years ago we decided to have lunch together while I was in town (she was married at the time and so was I). We could both sense that it was a little awkward as we ate and asked about each others life and how things were going before the conversation steered towards things we remembered back then. It was during that conversation that she said for the first time that she was sorry for hurting me. "We were young. Neither one of us knew what we were doing and it was just crazy intense love. When that suddenly ends it takes forever to go away." We ended our lunch and it was nice to have closure. We're still friends on FB but we never text each other or write on each others walls. We both had changed enough that it confirmed my theory that we would have never lasted even if she didnt leave me when she did. It was nice to have our time together in HS, but like someone mentioned earlier, you tend to focus only on the good memories and filter out the bad things from when you were together. Honestly, its a little weird not thinking about her since I struggled with it for so long.

Most of you on here are still young (i.e. under 37), so the best thing I can say is that if you're young, then get out into the world and live. Take up a new hobby, go travel, go learn something, get out of your comfort zone. The more of life you experience the more value you add to yourself and you find yourself being the most interesting man/woman at the party

I can honestly tell you that what you are going through (insecurity, anxiety, depression, whatever) will pass if you work on yourself.

This scene from one of my favorite movies summed it all up for me and broke me out of my depression.

 
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slippery

slippery

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Subjecting myself to continued harassment

A coworker was telling me about the guy she really wanted to have a kid with getting another girl pregnant caused me to have an epiphany.

I was the other guy. All the signs were there, I just couldn't/didn't want to see them. That's the answer, and I should have seen it long ago. I just didn't want to believe it
 
iannis

iannis

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I dunno slip. Sounds like that's maybe just you going crazy.

You gotta let this shit go. Comes a point it doesn't matter if you're right or if you're not right. You've passed that point.
 
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iannis

iannis

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No, you got it backwards. Slip put the baby in some other girl and then he thinks a completely different girl wanted him to put a baby in HER.

Maybe he's right, maybe he's not. Doesn't matter.

No matter what you stick with the girl that you actually put the baby in.
 
TrollfaceDeux

TrollfaceDeux

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Noodleface said:
Why would a coworker want you to get her pregnant?
Click to expand...
He was using an example that he overheard. The girl wanted to get preggo by this one guy but instead he preggo another woman. The girl realizes she got played.

From her experience, he realizes that he got played too.
 
zzeris

zzeris

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Slip,

I think most people have this happen and most do some crazy shit. My first love dumped me after about 3 years. We weren't compatible but it was a fun 3 years. I still tried to be the friend for 6 months afterward thinking I could get her back. SMH, lol. She started dating a guy who she babysat for. It crushed me for a few weeks but then I just negated her from my life. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. It was a liberating experience... after I found the will to move on. It changed me into a bigger asshole which has helped me immensely while dating. It gave me more confidence because I really didn't give a shit what others thought that weren't paying me to give lip service.

I looked her up a couple years ago on FB because she was brought up in a conversation of 'the good old days,' and I was a bit curious. Her kid was always the center of her life and is now a spoiled full grown millennial. I'm damn happy I escaped when I did. You have to move on. As someone already mentioned, there is no perfect person. Just find someone you are willing to spend time with and see where it goes. Hell, find 5-6 you are willing to spend time with lol.
 
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TrollfaceDeux

TrollfaceDeux

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I stayed with my first love for two years and broke up with her. Same reason. Not compatible. She couldn't get away from her best friend shit from high school.
 
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Identikit

Identikit

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she didnt break her personality, you allowed her to. And thats totally ok, because being broken by someone kinda means that you will come back together and achieve a stronger state of consciousness, because you have more information going foreward.

I understand though that you were confused, but sometimes its just senseless, when it comes to the actions of others. She had something else there . Maybe the impression that she defined you scared her. That might seem like a hefty responsibility for another person. Either way, thinking about it probably will always bring more misery than closure. Sometimes you have to accept that there is no answer to the question that is plaguing your mind no matter how bad you want there to be one.

I had the same issue with my first long term girlfriend. We had many miraculous moments together, and spent every moment possible with one another. I basically lost contact with everyone for this woman. After the honeymoon phase went, and the rose glasses came off, we were just left with reality. That reality was " are you willing to accept this person entirely, flaws and all?" The truth that she wouldnt admit was that she wasnt, and my truth was that I was playing the part of who she wanted me to be while becoming internally frustrated over the unsatisfied part of my self that I pushed away in order to be the man that she wanted.

I was in this relationship for 6 years, the first two were a dream, and the rest was hell because of this internal struggle. One day it just dissolved, in a totally unspectacular way. This girl was my first kiss, the first person I professed my love to. We had a lot of amazing moments, and I think that we both held on to that fantasy for WAY too long.

I left that relationship with a big lesson. Cultivate yourself, and no one else. You cannot groom anyone to be what you are dreaming of, you need to find that special person who you can accept entirely, that needs no mental gymnastics or stupid rationale to pursue. I spent about 5 years single, learning how to really cultivate relationships and friendships once again because of how I alienated the outside world for this woman that I thought I would spend my life with. I accomplished so much, and it peaked at the point where I found the person I wanted to spend my life with. But I didnt find that by hoping someone would change their mind, or trying to change their mind. I found it by attaining what was rightfully mine to have. I knew she was mine, she knew I was hers. It was just that easy.


I think alot too, and one thing that always gets me in trouble, is that I tend to create a feedback loop with my thought pattern. It took me years to attain the consistent ability of making me step outside of that pattern. It takes willpower. You have to want to work on that.


My best advise is, be the light you want to see, meaning, always be the person that deserves what you want in life when it comes to a relationship. If you do that, the right person ends up finding you. If you dont like that person, that means you still have work to do for yourself.

Hope you find what you are looking for man.
 
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