Confession Thread

DrFukasaka said:

The funny part is that summer I could not keep my step sister off my dick then she started feeling guilty about it so we stopped other than 2 more times when she got really drunk and now days at family gatherings she shuns me like the plague.

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pics

cabbitcabbit said:

When I was 20 I was a super-broke ass loser. This girl I was talking to on a music forum offered to pay for me to drive to Philly to hang out with her for a couple weeks (her parents were rich). We spent 3 days in Philly and then went to her other apartment in upstate New York. It was pretty much a solid two weeks of barebacking this really average looking girl and doing a ton of coke in between her crying in bed about how fucked up she was. About a week in she wanted to go to a bar and I said that I couldn't unless she knew one that didn't card. She told me that she thought I was actually like 28. I guess she had a fetish for underachievers. On the 14th day she told me that she loved me so I dipped out in the middle of the night and drove 8 hours home and never called her again.

I got a lot of angry voicemails from her though.

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That's awesome, where in Philly were you? How old was she at the time?

I have a major spicy food addiction and shit my brains out in the toilet constantly. Below are my peppers of choice.

jalapeno
habanero
malagueta
carolina reaper

When I was 15-16 I was autistically obsessed with stealth games and anything sneaky related. This was pre-modern internet so we're talking learning how to pick a lock from the Anarchist's Cookbook downloaded off of some random BBS board. I was complete shit at anything I tried. The one 'success' was at a Deftones concert when I lifted a girl's wallet out of her clear mylar backpack. She had no chance of noticing since everyone was jam packed together; I just undid the outside zipper of the outside pocket and took her wallet. I had no end game in mind, and when I had the wallet I didn't know what to do with it; I didn't want to take her money. Maybe 30 minutes later I saw the girl and her friends using their flip phones to try and find it on the ground, and I gave the wallet back saying I found it. The girl hugged me and kissed me on the cheek, and all the dudes shook my hand. I felt guilty about it for years.

At least that was the last time I pretended to be a retarded ninja.

Brikker said:

this thread sucks

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It can do better, sure. I have one more I can think of.

The only one night stand I've ever had was a complete clusterfuck. I was home on leave for 10 days and like a dumbass I'd committed two of them to helping my brother-in-law move in with my sister. That itself was a real shitshow but not confessional in any way. At the end of it we go to a shitty bar midway between my sister's place and where I'm staying and start working hard at getting drunk. I'm seated at the bar between my brother-in-law and a moderately attractive girl about my age who actually seems interested in me (a first for me). My first clue of trouble should have been that she was wearing a sweatshirt that said 'X high school senior class of Y year.' My semi-drunk brain rationalizes hitting on her as 1) she must be old enough to get into a bar, and 2) if she's not she's old enough to figure out fake ID, and I'm only 21 anyway so fuck it.

In any case, my brother-in-law leaves and I drink with this girl for about 30 more minutes before I ask if she lives nearby. She says yeah, 3 blocks south, my roommate isn't home and I've got some wine if you want to come over. Fucking sold; this is now a night of firsts. When we get to her place it's obvious her roommate is a parent. I ask where her 'roommate' is and she says she lives with her dad but he's out of town until Monday. We have some wine and things move to the bedroom. After a little while I hear what I'd hoped was the furnace turning on, but it was definitely the garage door. We both freeze, and when we hear her dad come in to the house from the garage she panics, going 'holy shit you have to get out of here, I can't get caught AGAIN, etc.' I'm pulling on pants looking around for an exit like I'm about to get shot.

I think it's important to understand at this part that I'm an ugly, hairy-ass bald man and have been so since I was 21. So when her dad does the doctor-style knock-knock-open on her door and sees what appears to be a 40-year old creature standing in his naked daughter's bedroom, he is reasonably upset. He starts yelling, she starts yelling, I panic hard and grab her keys and stiff-arm past him and run out the front door. I then take her car and drive away, thinking nothing other than 'I need to be somewhere else.' After 10 minutes or so I calm down enough to realize I stole this girl's car and that I should address that somehow. So, like a dumb fucking boot I call a dude in my fireteam who is also on leave but in another state. I say 'HOLYFUCKITHINKIFUCKEDAMINORANDSTOLEHERCAR' and after he's done laughing at me he says 'you need to leave that car and get the fuck out of there.'

So I had this girl's number from the bar, but she only had my first name. I park the car at a 7-11 and call her on a payphone. She picks up and I tell her I didn't mean to take the car, I just panicked. She's answering real short, so I tell her where the car will be and that the key will be in a soda can behind one of the wheels. She hangs up on me pretty quickly, so I took a taxi back to the house I was staying at and tried to forget the whole thing. On top of all that, I was enough of a fuck up that my license was suspended for a DUI at the time, so the stolen car of the minor who I'd slept with was being driven with a suspended license, while still probably over the legal limit.

It took me a good 4 years or so before enough embarrasment had faded for me to tell this story to anyone. Between that experience and my naturally disgusting face and personality I have never had another one night stand.

consensus said:

This was grade 8 camping trip. I was that dude who just moved to be school and schoolmates were carrying me.

It was a weird trip to say the least. At night I would hear fapping noises from at least two or three different places. I did not know what fapping was back then.

One day we were all lined up in a huge playing field surrounded by buildings. This blonde chick who is probably 9/10 grabs me and starts talking to me. I say some stuff. Don't remember much.

After that, we all head to lunch room and we were eating. This blonde girl stares me like she wanted to rape.

At night some other activity in another building. I think she chased me in the back alley and i ran away.

It was so scary bro.

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There is an alternate universe out there with a version of you who made a move on that chick, gained confidence and became a wealthy investment banker.