Depression

I'm sorry for your loss, Vaclav. Dealing with loss can be challenging. Realize your father's death on and your birthday is merely a correlation based on the gregorian calendar, nothing more. Your mind is trying to find meaning and patterns where there is none. Try instead to find meaning in the man and father he was. As for depression, this sounds like a life crisis to me, the loss of a family member. It's normal to experience this. Talk to your family, spouse, friends. Coping is key. Hang in there man

Yea, I know - just going to be tough to not get thoughts brought back every birthday. Wife shares his birthday and I share his death with mine now.

I'm not exactly a fan of father's day, nor my own birthday as I inch closer to the age he was when he put a rifle bullet through his temple. (the logistics of that statement might be distracting. It was only a .22, thus fairly short for a rifle. He spared us my 12 gauge, or his .30-06 or the .357 mag, so at least I found an intact head with a puddle and not a fucking horror movie. Thanks, dad.) And I'd remember the days I'd find him in the easy chair he eventually killed himself in just sobbing uncontrollably. And this shit has apparently instilled so much fear in me that I've been paralyzed by the fear of both failure AND success (having something worth losing) for 25 years. (on top of a genetic predisposition anyway, since his parents and siblings are prone to depression as well)

I learned new things about him in the past year or so, like how he'd become terrified of failure in the job he'd had for nearly 20 years, and how without Valium he pretty much couldn't leave the house. It's so terrifying because it was so fast. Like maybe a three year period from funny happy dad to shut in to suicide.

Christ, Kreugen - reading stuff like that hits somewhat close to home (not so much the Dad part - but the effects on you - my causes were different) - you're involved with a psychiatrist or something for that stuff right? I'm thinking I really should start with one as well, and assuming that's been helping you cope to a degree I think that's a solid indicator I need to start on that path as well.

Especially when you talk about your fathers progression - five years or so ago I was silly and happy/carefree, then went shutin don't care about friends particularly or anything (seriously, more friends in this environment here than most elsewhere really - even feel like my siblings are hostile), and more and more been contemplating suicide although I do feel like I'm a long ways from ever getting the nerve up.

Fuck it, I don't even care what your progression is, verbalizing that makes me realize that I need to seek psych help of some sort - maybe medication isn't necessary but definitely some counseling...

Dabamf_sl said:

How about taking steps toward doing the thing you know you need to do rather than posting these sob stories trying to garner sympathy while refusing to do anything to try to help yourself?

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Venting is quite possibly something that is part of taking steps towards doing something about it - acknowledging the problem is a step towards getting the impetus to get proper help. See my response above? Before I started venting that shit I wasn't committed to seeking the help of a counselor (and from there afterwards) - been debating it, but had been hedging against - but once I started venting that I realized that I need to either get help or I'm going to off myself sooner or later. I'm at an extra dark place right now (for a couple different reasons beyond that)

I have a feeling Dabamf's going to have a higher-than-average rate of patients who commit suicide.

OneofOne_sl said:

I have a feeling Dabamf's going to have a higher-than-average rate of patients who commit suicide.

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LOL, he's a psych or something?

Supposedly. Sounds like he's either still in school, or in practicum (well, the later stages of school anyway).

Dabamf_sl said:

How about taking steps toward doing the thing you know you need to do rather than posting these sob stories trying to garner sympathy while refusing to do anything to try to help yourself?

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Jesus Christ dude. That's a helluva bedside manner you got there....

You should start up a practice with Aychamo...you could counsel all the girls he date rapes by telling them to make the most out of a bad situation and just lay back and enjoy the ride.

/rant on

I wish people suffering from depression would preface their stuff with : ("I have no intention of changing; I've already given up.") Then we could just make a mental note to ignore and move on; people like that need to just stfu and get out of everyone else's way. Society could re-proportion time spent towards people capable of saying ("I'm hurting and I need help; please help me.") -- and when they stop cooperating then we sent them over to Cat 1 and continue trying to help Cat 2. I've seen discussions like this in many different forums or venues and and underlying theme is 'we're just bitching; we don't actually plan to even attempt to fix anything'". Clearly, I just have no idea what it is to be depressed. But when people accuse me of that, I think ("I feel shitty sometimes, but then I remember I'm running out of time every day I spend miserable and it cheers me up.") Fuck depressed people who claim not-depressed people don't understand. Maybe we do fucking understand, we just had the fortitude to unfuck ourselves. I could use that same argument thread against anyone in life who is succeeding instead of failing -- "You just don't understand what it feels like to [example here]."

This idea that everyone must be saved from themselves is just inefficient -- if people's genetics or upbringing are selecting themselves out then why are we trying to interfere...

/rant off

Shrug, see -- how would you truly know? What's the difference between someone who was depressed and recovered and someone who is depressed? I'm not trying to be a troll, there has to be other people who have a hard time grasping the distinction aside from "I got better and that guy didn't."

Yes, I am well aware that some depressed people have actual physiological issues. Other people are just fucking sad and apathetic andfeel really bad about it but yea I'm going to be miserable in perpetuity and drag the people around me down, too.

Dabamf_sl said:

Youdon'tunderstand depression, and you shouldn't make ignorant posts about it.

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I don't understand a lot of dumb shit people do -- that doesn't mean I can't maintain the stance that depressed people tend to drag themselves and those around them down, and I can resent them for that, and wish they'd go away. I can relate and emphasize with a human being that is suffering and struggling to overcome his demons; I have helped my friends out of dark places before, and will always be there for those that need a hand.

But sometimes the "depressed" is just a miserable piece of shit that is failing at everything in life and its pretty damn obvious why he is depressed, but if he isn't going to grab my hand then what's the fucking point? At a certain point, I'd rather he just go be a miserable piece of shit on his own time instead of whine about it to other people and throw out "y'all just don't understand me" lines.

Depression is damn confusing I'll agree 100%. All this psychological stuff is, my dad dying plus these quick friends we made down here after the move shutting us out without even trying to explain why, and now them attempting to firebomb the other friendships we've made through that Meetup group is really making me realize how shallow my own life is where such things are almost forcing a capsize.

Thinking about suicide as a concept quite frequently now (at least a half dozen times since I woke about 4 hrs ago prematurely without any hope of falling back asleep) - always followed by a thought of "i could try X, but never mind I'd screw it up because of Y" (i.e. if I try to drown myself in the canal, I'll float once unconscious - OD on my wife's Oxycodone probably just vomit it up then have to deal with her raging all month since it can't be replaced - cutting I can't get past scratches, etc)

Really feel like I need to hospitalize for this, but I know even for this my fickle family would disown me (beside my mom, she'd still likely be upset though) if I couldn't make it, even for psychiatric hospitalization.

Rock and a hard place - I hope I make it there and back so I can handle shit once home. But this week is going to be Hell.

Minor update: Getting some more of the funeral travel plans set up, then heading out to the local ER to see an emergency psych. Called up and they won't force involuntary admission unless I'm in a stage past my own - so shouldn't have to worry about it interfering with the family.

Wish me luck, I guess. =/

/rant on
Kind've in a funk. Don't know if it qualifies as depression or just having a shitty last two months. It started with my ex calling me to tell me she was sorry to hear the bad news. Apparently, my grandad was diagnosed with lung cancer and I was the last to know. Really don't like her, did not want to find out from her.

Then a few weeks lateer I had to cancel my vacation with the gf because I find out my dad was rushed to the ER. The longer he is there, the worse the news gets. We went from severe pain, to kidneys shutting down, to finally finding out the root cause (I guess, I'm not a medicine guy) is cancer, and apparently its pretty bad. So that's now 5 family members from both sides of the family that have gotten some form of cancer. Thank god I dont smoke I guess?

GF starts talking again about hating Texas, but for reasons she cant articulate. To each their own, I -think- i might end up getting hitched to this one and wouldnt mind moving, but I think uprooting your life and leaving your family without knowing why place make you unhappy is dumb. My argument is if something is making you sad, find out what it is, dont just move; otherwise you're bringing the issues with you. And we arent talking things like, hating the people, or the politics, or the culture, or hell even the weather, just because "feelings".so thats been a fun series of fights.

I'm feeling like im stuck in this constant cycle of work/school/sleep and the things that used to be a fun distraction aren't. Bought a few games for the xbone, I play maybe 10-20 minutes before I turn it off. Go to the gym, but I dont feel the relief I used to. Go shooting at the range, even did some IDPA matches (shooting sports for the non-gun people), and it was fun but it still felt like going through the motions. About the only thing I still really am enjoying is playing with my dog.

Last night I couldn't sleep because I'm worried about my dad, so today I'm barely working and wanting to hit my head on my desk. I feel stuck because I dont know how to fix this. Finding out my dad is ok would probably fix me right up, but that isnt something I can actively do.

edit: and fuck me, just got a text as I posted that. looks like it spread to his prostate.

If I was looking for sympathy I wouldn't be posting it here. It wasn't intended to be a fucking sob story, I was simply responding to a post that I related to with the cold truth. I mostly stopped posting here because I've been talking to my doctor instead. (therapists = waiting lists. I'm not suicidal.) Except that conversation seems to just be running in circles now. It's painful and frustrating. It sucks. Different things have helped here and there, but there's been no magical breakthrough. I don't feel fucking miserable every minute I'm at my job or alone, and I don't feel like my body is screaming at me to run away for no goddamn reason, and that's actually quite significant. Yay me.

I don't know what you mean when you say I don't respond to questions asking for details. As far as I can recall there haven't been any. I keep it short and on point because I don't like writing (or reading) one-sided walls of text. Especially on this subject. I don't respond to other's problems because I don't know how to help them any more than I know how to help myself. I'm not conceited enough to think I can know someone over a fucking message board. The communication is too limited, the room for interpretation is boundless. I don't connect the same way - I don't know how anyone could. I don't expect to gain much from it, but I'm happy when I'm surprised otherwise. There's been some details here that have helped. Writing it out has helped, too. Understand that most of this is shit that I have discussed with -no one- for over two decades. Stuff that I've done everything in my power to ignore or avoid. Belittle if if you want to be an ass (or are trying to help in some roundabout way, thanks but I don't care for that kind of game) but this IS significant.

Eidal, depressed people who have truly "given up" are.. get this.. probably seemingly content. If you give up it means you have no desire to change. They may be depressed but they aren't buried in a pit of despair because they've stopped looking for a rope. I've given up many times, and regretted it later. I've tried and succeeded and I've tried and failed. That's the cycle. The problem is the successes have been fairly shot-lived. I haven't been able to gain momentum. And it gets harder and harder to get started each time. Yes, I'm speaking in broad generalizations, but who the hell wants to read someone's life story? It's easy to despise depressed people. Not everyone has empathy or compassion. They are called assholes. Hell, I don't like other depressed people - I need an "upper" to bring me up, not a kindred spirit to wallow in misery with. That's why, for the most part, I just stick to the humor threads and the dick jokes. I like to laugh. I like to make myself laugh. I'm always looking for a joke. Yes, it's another goddamn form of avoidance. It's my armor and my shield. The sad clown, the Robin Williams. But it sure beats bitching all the time, just as you said.

Do you know how much I have bitched about my life throughout eq, wow, our irc channel, and so on? Pretty much never. I'll bitch about game mechanics or something that others can relate to, sure. A lot of that was because I was unhappy about other things, yes. But I never talked about myself, until one day I just randomly posted something here and it helped get the ball rolling. I saw a doctor. I got drugs to stop the panic attacks. I started enjoying some things again. I didn't just fucking bitch about things and leave them alone like pissing in the wind. I don't waste my time writing shit down for no reason.

Eidal_sl said:

Yes, I am well aware that some depressed people have actual physiological issues. Other people are just fucking sad and apathetic andfeel really bad about it but yea I'm going to be miserable in perpetuity and drag the people around me down, too.

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Right here is where, in my case, you'd be incredibly off the mark. Drag others down? I like nothing more than making people laugh or have a good time. Yes, partly for selfish reasons - it makes ME feel better.

Yes, maybe there are people out there who give truth to "misery loves company" but that sure as fuck is not me. I don't want to be anyone's burden. I don't want them to know I'm upset at all. I want to be treated as normal. I'm not looking for attention or sympathy. That's why I went twenty goddamn years without telling anyone. That's why, when I first started having panic attacks a decade ago, I acted like it was a goddamn mystery. Depressed? What, me? Here's a dick joke.

Kreugen_sl said:

Right here is where, in my case, you'd be incredibly off the mark. Drag others down? I like nothing more than making people laugh or have a good time. Yes, partly for selfish reasons - it makes ME feel better.

Yes, maybe there are people out there who give truth to "misery loves company" but that sure as fuck is not me. I don't want to be anyone's burden. I don't want them to know I'm upset at all. I want to be treated as normal. I'm not looking for attention or sympathy. That's why I went twenty goddamn years without telling anyone. That's why, when I first started having panic attacks a decade ago, I acted like it was a goddamn mystery. Depressed? What, me? Here's a dick joke.

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You sure you're not talking about me here? Shit man... whatever boat you're in is the same one I am or definitely in an adjacent canal. (Well, besides dick jokes - mine's more observational humor... like the 7-11 I saw once with a "Now Open" sign... it's a fucking 7-11 it's never closed...)

Kruegen,

That's fair. I don't think I despise depressed people -- I think I'm unnerved by what I don't understand. Namely, how could someone let that happen to themselves. It bothers me because the implication is it could happen to me (or someone close to me). Obviously the closest thing in my experience is how I feel when I feel sad -- and we can point fingers all day about how "that's not true depression", but after a certain point it becomes pretty damn hard to define.

I absolutely wasn't implying that you or others here were being drama queens looking to drag others down -- this thread is exactly for that. I was just venting my own frustrations about people I know in my own life that claim to want help but ignore or disregard everything offered to them. It's easy for them to say "Oh that wouldn't work for me, I've tried that"... but everyone knows they really didn't try shit.

Man, fucking shit just continues to mount - and still waiting to hear back on a few funeral preparations so still can't hospitalize quite yet. Fucking brother, my idol for my entire goddamn life just tore into me because I had the nerve to ask him if he could help me to tie my tie for the funeral or if I should instead buy a clip-on while I'm doing my shopping for a new pair of shoes (ruined my dress shoes in the move) - had the nerve to say "Hey, you're an adult man - why don't you watch a YouTube video on how to and learn"

[For those that don't keep up on my stuff - I've got digital syndactyly - webbed fingers, which basically makes anything besides my pointer and thumb useless and very hard to use - tying shoes are pretty difficult for me as is and that's easy to see versus reversed in the mirror with no real slack to keep it in place, etc]

Also keep in mind this was something that my Dad had always assisted me with tying ties when I was attending any event on my family's side that I needed to wear a tie. So I had the sting of remembering that I'm going to have this problem because he's gone, and then I had the joy of being insulted over my genetic condition that he's been aware of for 38 years that it somehow makes me "not an adult" because I can't magically regrow my fucking fingers, from my goddamn idol.

Heh "dick joke" is just something I picked up from Bill Hicks forever ago. When he'd rant about some subject and go off the rails into too-serious territory he'd say something like "I should just do dick jokes."

Your issues sound more like something in the here and now and not the decades of regret that I saddle myself with whenever I let myself think too much. There's nothing triggering it - it's just the same place I've been in many times before.