Depression

Vaclav_sl said:

Tarrant: Everyone that deals with depression exaggerates until that one time they don't.

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Dragging this back out of the amod thread.

Even if Tarrant is being a colossal douchecanoe, I don't really blame him for thinking the way he does. Anyone who talks about it as often as I do typically is just looking for attention. I'm not. The one and only reason I haven't done it already is because it would absolutely destroy my mother. So when I said I could finally kill myself if my parents died first, I meant it very literally. Although if my mother died, the promise I gave her not to murder her brother would be over and I'd certainly do that as soon as the funeral was over. Once I was done butchering him, maybe I'd feel better about life and just turn myself in to the justice system.

I mention it so frequently because it's a casual thing for me. I've lived with the desire for death for so long now that I'm somewhat detached from the idea just like I'm detached from basically everything else. To me, talking about being suicidal is the same as saying I like computer games, or the Patriots are cheaters. It's just another thing. I get that it has a lot more meaning to other people, but it doesn't really mean shit to me. I mean, I certainly don't encourage suicidal people to do it, and I do my best to refrain from saying any variation of 'kill yourself' to someone, whether maliciously or as a joke. But talking about my own craving for death? Just a normal thing to me.

Ok, well I only pop in such infrequently - only seen it as a rare mention in the areas I frequent. (In fact I only started messing in this thread around November last year, when my dad died and forced me to terms with me actually having a degree of longterm depression)

But even that I'd still consider pretty serious myself - I know, even though I couldn't kill myself when I was seriously considering it because I know that Laura couldn't survive without me (she doesn't drive, can't budget, can barely cook, etc) - I know if I was ever without her and I got hit by a similar degree of despair I have no doubt I'd be successful.

Gavin, it really is kind of scary how much you are like I used to be. I was a nihilist in the literal sense, not the Hollywood sense, and I very much wanted to die but was too scared to off myself. I spent my teens and 20s treating my body like shit and hating myself and most everyone else. I played video games as much as possible and destroyed the few close friendships I ever had. I eventually came to a point where I was drowning in debt and had nothing to live for. I got lucky, though. I had a moment of clarity, and swallowed my pride and went back home to rebuild my life. For me meditation was a big part of that change. I saw the damage my bi-polar episodes were doing and chose to fix it. I could have done therapy, but the only shrink I ever went to immediately wanted to put me on some drugs, and I told him hell no.

After that I started looking at the mistakes I had made over the years and decided to rectify some of them. I got my debts in order. I got my AS. I got a job. I'm still a very deeply fucked up individual, and always will be. The only real difference is that I am fucked up in ways I embrace, and I no longer give two shits what anyone else thinks about it. I might die tomorrow, and that's OK, but I am making the most of whatever time I have, because why the hell not? There is more interesting and fun stuff out there than anyone could possibly enjoy in a thousand lifetimes. There is no make believe old dude in the sky giving people eternal blowjobs and pie, but that's OK too, if you want a purpose for your life then you can make one up like everyone else always has.

If I weren't such a fucking coward in all aspects of my life, I'm certain I'd have killed myself by now. This isn't a cry for help, just the truth.

But the same cowardice that keeps me from meeting people and getting better keeps me alive.

It's a shitty way to live but I can't break out of it.

I can't hate my dad for killing himself and then go and kill myself while my mom and sister are alive. I have principles. Plus I'm barely a year away from outliving him, so I can give myself a gold star or something for that.

Of course, the difference is he actually tried to have a normal life before his anxiety overcame him. But maybe it helped that HIS dad didn't shoot himself, so he wasn't facing quite the same fears.

I don't actually have anyone to live for, so...

you got yourself, same as everyone else.

...are you trying to get me to want to do it?

I wish he were. Stupid people got to go.

Troll_sl said:

...are you trying to get me to want to do it?

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See I get suicide humor and it made me chuckle. Pay no attention to the guy above me who is about to get a long stint in the rickshaw.


So I finally rescheduled to see my Doctor after missing an appointment a while back, which was yesterday. We're abandoning the sleep study stuff because of my reaction to wearing the mask and trying trazodone again, and after talking a bit, he pulled me off the lithium, is keeping me on the lamictal, and put me back on adderall, which I started this morning.

Holy shit today has been an amazing day. I don't know if it's just a coincidence, a placebo effect, or if it's really affecting my mood that quickly, but I've been upbeat all day. I've even been able to play Hearthstone for an extended period of time without shouting cuss words at my computer.

Gavinmad_sl said:

I've even been able to play Hearthstone for an extended period of time without shouting cuss words at my computer.

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This treatment is a perversion of the natural world.

Adderall can cause euphoria, so that's one explanation. You have to be careful with stimulants because they can cause anxiety or trigger mania in some people.

I've been on adderall for an extended period of time before. In two or three weeks I should experience a pretty bad dopamine imbalance that will lead to a few days of aggression and anger control problems, then my brain will adjust and it will be smooth sailing until I do another radical dose change. It happens to some people. Happened to me three times before I finally figured out the pattern. Once a long time ago when I tried strattera for a month because I was uncomfortable with the idea of taking a stimulant to treat a hyperactivity disorder, then when i first started taking adderall, and then my first dose change. After that I knew what was going on, and my dose changes weren't so drastic. Was going from 0-5 and 5-10 that caused the problem.

Of course this time I went straight from 0-15, but I'm hoping foreknowledge will take care of it this time. Also I'll be taking lamictal this time, whereas last time I was only taking buspirone, so maybe that will make a difference too.


Another reason today is an awesome day is because my new bed sheets showed up. I've been sleeping with polyester sheets for almost two months since my old sheets abruptly wore out (both the fitted and the flat sheet within a week of each other) because they were cheap as a temporary fix while I looked for new cotton sheets. Polyester sheets are the worst thing in the world, I think burlap would be about as comfortable. The fitted sheet is so thin and flimsy and the elastic is so weak that I have to refit it every night because my tossing and turning pulls it off the mattress. New ones are 700 count sateen single ply. Would have preferred double ply, but these were 50% off and my last sheets were single ply as well. Of course Kohl's overprices everything so their sales look better, so they were probably only about 30% off compared to the price at another store. Still a great deal. Everything at B3 is designer brand crap and all the stuff at Macy's was cotton/polyester blends.

*edit*

I'm definitely feeling a bit manic the more I think about it, so I'm trying to manage my expectations for the next several days, but even if it's temporary, it's been a nice break from the last several months of doldrums.

That's how I was like on Effexor. High as fuck. After a while though, it just wore off and stopped working.

I'm on Wellbutrin now. Doesn't really make me feel better, but it does make my lows less low. Not as devastating. Easier to live with.

Effexor sucked rocks coming off of it. Fucked my shit up for months.

I've been on Cymbalta for several years now, and Xanax recently to ease the anxiety when my heart decides to do flip flops.

So I'm pretty sure I started a manic cycle yesterday. Dunno if it was triggered by the adderall or just a coincidence, but it's the first manic cycle I've been on in months. Maybe the adderall is doing something too. I ended up staying up past 3 am when I'm normally in bed between 12 and 1. Took my trazodone at about 1 expecting to go to sleep shortly, lost track of time and it was after 3 and I was sick to my stomach from the trazodone. Ate a small meal because I figured part of the stomach pain was being hungry from being up so late (i was wrong). Slept fitfully because my mind was racing from being on my computer right up until bedtime (I normally take at least 15-20 minutes to read something and try to slow down a bit) woke up three hours later and threw up some stomach acid and couldn't go back to sleep. So I've felt absolutely terrible all day long.

But despite feeling terrible, I've gotten an assload of shit done today, most of which I should have gotten done last october when I first got Obummer care. Set up a psych referral from my doctor so I can maybe get a second opinion or a more definitive diagnosis on the myriad of mental issues I've been diagnosed with, and apparently at first my doctor thought I wanted a second opinion on him? I'm thinking bro you're probably the best doctor I've ever had why would you think I don't trust you. Also set up an appointment for an eye exam and new glasses, looked into getting an exam to see if my lasik pipe dream is even possible, and spent a couple hours sorting through dentists that actually accept Obummer care trying to find ones that are A: not dental groups and B: don't have multiple bad reviews for shitty care or a grungy office. Still have a chunk to sort through tomorrow before I expand the search farther away. Figure I'm willing to go as far away as an hour and a half since the dentist shouldn't be more than once or twice a year.

Yay mania!

If it's Adderall, the diagnosis would technically be Amphetamine Induced Mood Disorder, heh. Are you seeing a psychiatrist? I've never known a primary care provider who could properly diagnose and treat psychiatric disorders.