Depression
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Guest, did you like the last podcast notification?? Well here's the second one, and for the third podcast! Yep. This Thursday 8-8-24 at 7pm Central
Go here to check out his podcast thread for info on topics and links!Go into the FoH discord and find the Happy Time Fun Hour channel and give it a listen!
Izo
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Kythik
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So I am starting college on Monday at 33 and today I feel like an emotional wreck. I gave up on life for over 10 years. I have little to no support from family, in fact they have done nothing but fuck me over at every step. It's just wife and 8yo daughter now that I consider family. If it weren't for people in the gaming community we could have been homeless for a short period of time last year due to a series of events,mostly "family" related, that cleared out my meager financial holdings.
I'm pretty anxious about starting school. It's been a long time since I've been around that many people and now it will be on a regular basis. I am at the same time excited about the future for the first time in years. I know I'm not manic atm. I feel like this shit will be tough at first but easy compared to what I have been through thus far in life.
@gavin & Troll I was in a similar situation with docs and meds. At on point I was taking nearly 30 pills most of which was to counter the side effects of a pill that was used to counter the side effects of another. The greatest thing I did for myself was to take a very proactive role in my treatment. First I read extensively on mental health and started to track my cycles. With this information in hand I talked with a new doctor after dropping my old one. I came to the realization that I was misdiagnosed and had been on the wrong type of medications for far too long. I am now only taking 1 150mg dose of lamictal a day and it seems to be working wonders. After 10 years I have little idea what my "base" is and this medication seems to keep me a little on the up side not near hypo-manic but compared to the 20 years of depressed lows being my standard it seems "up" to me.
I was lucky to get ssdi fairly fast after getting a laywer. My wife on the other hand has lupus and had seizures due other issues(causing cognitive problems). It's been a very long struggle for her in regards to getting ssdi. Her lawyer also dropped her after the judge denied her appeal letting us know just a week before her deadline for the next appeal. She called a 2nd lawyer who told her that there is a certain type of SS lawyer that she has to go through now, which we are currently trying to work with. Unfortunately I can't recall what that type is but I can look for it.
To the both of you all I can say which I'm sure has been said before is that it's hard work to change your thinking. I found self help/ motivational speakers to be fairly effective. I listen to the "I am a Champion" speech nearly daily and it has become my mantra atm.
p.s. This post feels kinda scatter brained but I had to get something out somewhere. I don't have a psychologist as being on medicaid in Arizona is a fucking whore. The few I've been able to get into I felt were just fluff and after months with them it seemed pointless. Perhaps I just don't have the right mindset going into therapy. Oh well I'll keep trying to find one that is a good fit.
p.p.s. Just writing this out and playing some motivational videos on youtube I feel balanced again.
I'm pretty anxious about starting school. It's been a long time since I've been around that many people and now it will be on a regular basis. I am at the same time excited about the future for the first time in years. I know I'm not manic atm. I feel like this shit will be tough at first but easy compared to what I have been through thus far in life.
@gavin & Troll I was in a similar situation with docs and meds. At on point I was taking nearly 30 pills most of which was to counter the side effects of a pill that was used to counter the side effects of another. The greatest thing I did for myself was to take a very proactive role in my treatment. First I read extensively on mental health and started to track my cycles. With this information in hand I talked with a new doctor after dropping my old one. I came to the realization that I was misdiagnosed and had been on the wrong type of medications for far too long. I am now only taking 1 150mg dose of lamictal a day and it seems to be working wonders. After 10 years I have little idea what my "base" is and this medication seems to keep me a little on the up side not near hypo-manic but compared to the 20 years of depressed lows being my standard it seems "up" to me.
I was lucky to get ssdi fairly fast after getting a laywer. My wife on the other hand has lupus and had seizures due other issues(causing cognitive problems). It's been a very long struggle for her in regards to getting ssdi. Her lawyer also dropped her after the judge denied her appeal letting us know just a week before her deadline for the next appeal. She called a 2nd lawyer who told her that there is a certain type of SS lawyer that she has to go through now, which we are currently trying to work with. Unfortunately I can't recall what that type is but I can look for it.
To the both of you all I can say which I'm sure has been said before is that it's hard work to change your thinking. I found self help/ motivational speakers to be fairly effective. I listen to the "I am a Champion" speech nearly daily and it has become my mantra atm.
p.s. This post feels kinda scatter brained but I had to get something out somewhere. I don't have a psychologist as being on medicaid in Arizona is a fucking whore. The few I've been able to get into I felt were just fluff and after months with them it seemed pointless. Perhaps I just don't have the right mindset going into therapy. Oh well I'll keep trying to find one that is a good fit.
p.p.s. Just writing this out and playing some motivational videos on youtube I feel balanced again.
Vanderhoof
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Mist
REEEEeyore
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College is awesome and you'll be fine. I mean, assuming its a real college and not some for-profit nonsense college. I'm sure the school has various support/counseling offices if you need it, but professors are generally supportive of older students who go back to school. You might be around the same age as many of your professors, so they'll treat you like a real human being with real problems rather than treating you like a spoiled kid. You'll be fine.
Speak up, ask questions often and act like you want to be there. Most of the other students taking up space in the desks around you don't want to be there, so just being engaged will give you a leg up on them.
Mist
REEEEeyore
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They're so unbelievably stupid and inexperienced it's impossible not to feel superior to them.
Izo
Tranny Chaser
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It's a fine monodrug treatment, supposedly one of the best tolerated. Curious, do you have experience with lamotrigin in cocktails or substitutions? Was wondering if you'd seen side effects, say, interactions with carbamazepine or oxcabazepine? What about regular monodrug dosing and urticaria? Supposedly the later is mitigated by slow dosage increases? It's psychiatrists dealing with this here, mostly. We don't have nurse practitioners as such :S
I am adopted and even if I weren't I would have probably the same stance.
You can choose family, don't let them force you into caring for them if they don't care for you.
Kythik
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Yes, it's a local community college then off to ASU to finish my bachelors. I agree though that my motivation will give me an edge compared to the kids going as a continuation of high school. I nearly made the mistake of going to Phoenix Online and I'm glad I looked into it as much as I did. Seems like such a scam, especially with how much of the pell grant money they receive vs graduation rates.
I still have some embarrassment creeping up in that regard. Still though I know from the last 10 years just continuing to exist as I have been feels more embarrassing to me.
I was on lamotrigin with one other med added that was supposed to potentiate it and it worked fairly well for me. The last time being an idiot and stopping meds about 18 months ago they put me on the lamictal. Personally the lamictal is better based on my tracking of cycles/mood. I know you were asking someone with professional expertise but I thought I'd add my anecdotal experience.
Izo
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Potentiate it, Valproat you mean? Lamictal is a brand name, Lamotrigin is the active ingredient. What do you mean, was the monotreatment better than the potentiating one with Valproat? Why was your treatment stopped / restarted? I need more coffee
Kythik
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Dur ya I just realized this as I took my med and looked at the bottle. There's something similar named that I was on I guess that I was confusing it with.Potentiate it, Valproat you mean? Lamictal is a brand name, Lamotrigin is the active ingredient. What do you mean, was the monotreatment better than the potentiating one with Valproat? Why was your treatment stopped / restarted? I need more coffeeNo problem, any input valued - glad you're feeling well on lamictal
Izo
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That's cool, man
Kythik
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Going for Computer Science. I wanted to go for actuarial science but voc rehab wouldn't agree to that due to it not meeting their minimum jobs per year req.That's cool, manHey, what will you be studying in college? Awesome life decision, more power to you
Very true.
Welcome to being me.
I'd dropped out ~10 years ago because of depression (didn't know what it was at the time) and just not knowing what I wanted to do. Going back now for a math degree.
What really freaks me out is the history classes I need to take for my A&Ls. I remember actually seeing some of the things we've been talking about. These kids weren't even born yet (fall of the Berlin Wall for example).
I'd dropped out ~10 years ago because of depression (didn't know what it was at the time) and just not knowing what I wanted to do. Going back now for a math degree.
What really freaks me out is the history classes I need to take for my A&Ls. I remember actually seeing some of the things we've been talking about. These kids weren't even born yet (fall of the Berlin Wall for example).
Vanderhoof
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I've had success using Lamictal with Lithium; you'll see that combination frequently. I'll use it with an atypical antipsychotic too (Latuda was approved to treat depression in bipolar disorder and does not cause weight gain). Tegretol interacts with everything and isn't as good for treating depression, Depakote messes with Lamictal metabolism so I would avoid that combination.
The package insert recommends 25mg for 2 weeks, then 50mg for another 2 weeks. It's approved up to 200mg for Bipolar disorder. I think the incidence of Steven Johnson Syndrome is about 3 in 10,000 and this risk can be mitigated with a slow titration. About 8% of people can get a rash but its not 'the' rash. The problem I encounter is compliance. Patients will stop taking it and I have to start titrating it again. If it happens more than once, I usually switch them to something else.
The package insert recommends 25mg for 2 weeks, then 50mg for another 2 weeks. It's approved up to 200mg for Bipolar disorder. I think the incidence of Steven Johnson Syndrome is about 3 in 10,000 and this risk can be mitigated with a slow titration. About 8% of people can get a rash but its not 'the' rash. The problem I encounter is compliance. Patients will stop taking it and I have to start titrating it again. If it happens more than once, I usually switch them to something else.
Kreugen
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Medication is for the despair; it doesn't do shit for the depression or any of its root causes. That's all on you.
Medication is the only reason I'm able to get through work. But the poor quality sleep I get from the klonopin makes it hard to do much else. It got me out of the hole but I'm stuck on the same rails that led to the hole in the first place. Hell, aside from working with a bunch of old farts I'm actually doing less social things than ever, yet I do have a good time when I do those things - it's the cliff I fall off of when it's over that I've come to hate more and more. It's the recognition of that which has made it even harder to get out and do, you know?
Living with a disease while masking the symptoms with drugs is a pretty good metaphor. The difference is, everything feels like its your own fault. And it is. It's a heavy smoker getting lung disease, it's an alcoholic having liver failure. The damage is permanent because you can't get those lost years back. You have gaps in your life that most other people aren't going to understand or relate to. You feel like you'll be found out at any moment. I know the look.
Fuck, the only reason I'm not wallowing in regret over all the lost years right now is because I'm still in the middle of doing the same shit anyway, so what's to regret? There was one period where I really tried and really thought I was getting somewhere. It lasted about four years. So short that now it feels like it never happened. That was supposed to be the new beginning. The realization of that period being long over is what led to, well, goddamn walls of introspective bullshittery while bored and trapped at work like this one, heh.
In other news, my stepdad talks about killing himself near daily now due to his debilitating pain and my brother in law has managed to work three months out of the last five years. So I just keep all this shit to myself to not worry anyone, like always. That's why I waste your time and mine typing it here. I'm surrounded by people with their own problems, so my self-inflicted misery just feels dumb.
The most frustrating part of all is I get so much positive reinforcement that I know most people consider me smart, reasonably good looking, funny, normal etc. So I just feel ashamed about being such a fuckup.
The drugs that mask the pain are also removing the energy and care to do anything about any of this. And time rolls on.
Medication is the only reason I'm able to get through work. But the poor quality sleep I get from the klonopin makes it hard to do much else. It got me out of the hole but I'm stuck on the same rails that led to the hole in the first place. Hell, aside from working with a bunch of old farts I'm actually doing less social things than ever, yet I do have a good time when I do those things - it's the cliff I fall off of when it's over that I've come to hate more and more. It's the recognition of that which has made it even harder to get out and do, you know?
Living with a disease while masking the symptoms with drugs is a pretty good metaphor. The difference is, everything feels like its your own fault. And it is. It's a heavy smoker getting lung disease, it's an alcoholic having liver failure. The damage is permanent because you can't get those lost years back. You have gaps in your life that most other people aren't going to understand or relate to. You feel like you'll be found out at any moment. I know the look.
Fuck, the only reason I'm not wallowing in regret over all the lost years right now is because I'm still in the middle of doing the same shit anyway, so what's to regret? There was one period where I really tried and really thought I was getting somewhere. It lasted about four years. So short that now it feels like it never happened. That was supposed to be the new beginning. The realization of that period being long over is what led to, well, goddamn walls of introspective bullshittery while bored and trapped at work like this one, heh.
In other news, my stepdad talks about killing himself near daily now due to his debilitating pain and my brother in law has managed to work three months out of the last five years. So I just keep all this shit to myself to not worry anyone, like always. That's why I waste your time and mine typing it here. I'm surrounded by people with their own problems, so my self-inflicted misery just feels dumb.
The most frustrating part of all is I get so much positive reinforcement that I know most people consider me smart, reasonably good looking, funny, normal etc. So I just feel ashamed about being such a fuckup.
The drugs that mask the pain are also removing the energy and care to do anything about any of this. And time rolls on.
Kythik
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Went to my first class today with a feeling of dread that I've had since ~10pm last night. During the math class I realized I have a few gaps to fill to be 100% on the material we are learning. After I wards the dread seems to have made way for optimism. I now have roughly 4 hours to review and do the small homework that was given before my next class. I got screwed on a class being swapped campuses so now 2 days a week instead of all morning classes I have one evening class. Oh well that's homework time!
Kruegen's post above is very smilar to how I feel/felt about my life. My wife has some debilitating physical medical problems so I've always tried to be her rock while not letting her know what's going on in my head. I've now stopped that and keep her updated on my state of mind. It has really helped our relationship instead of hindering it as I thought it would.
I really need to get on it and find a damn counselor but fuck this state has a horrible Mental Health system. That is unless you have some bad ass private insurance then I'm sure it's wonderful.
Kruegen's post above is very smilar to how I feel/felt about my life. My wife has some debilitating physical medical problems so I've always tried to be her rock while not letting her know what's going on in my head. I've now stopped that and keep her updated on my state of mind. It has really helped our relationship instead of hindering it as I thought it would.
I really need to get on it and find a damn counselor but fuck this state has a horrible Mental Health system. That is unless you have some bad ass private insurance then I'm sure it's wonderful.