Depression

moonarchia · Feb 18, 2022

Masakari said:
Have you tried forcing yourself to adopt a new hobby you can channel your energy into? Hiking? Photography? Painting? Rock climbing?

......Everquest?

moonarchia · Feb 18, 2022

Cad said:
I have a friend who is depressed, and I really have no idea how to help her. It seems like everything in life sends her on a spiral of self doubt and self hatred. Like something happens with her kid that has absolutely nothing to do with her... oh my god I'm a bad mom, my kids hate me, they would be better off with someone else... etc. She worked over at my house one day just because me and my wife are always home and she didn't want to be alone, like emails from her boss that were even slightly criticizing would send her into a 2 hour tailspin trying to decide if she's going to be fired. She seems like she's just constantly anxious about everything, even shit that nobody can do anything about (like what if my flight is cancelled? That would be just my luck! We should go home by midnight because the drunks are out later, with my luck we will all be killed... )

So.. what the fuck does a friend do in this situation? Telling her it's all in her head doesn't seem to help. Telling her she's actually a fantastic person doesn't help. She has a lot of friends and people who care about her, but she thinks she's dead-weight on all of them and is generally spiraling out of control. Financially she is well off, she's good looking, reasonably young, and is educated and has a good job. There's nothing objectively wrong with her or her life, other than this attitude.

What can be done from the outside to help? Do you just encourage and give opportunities and then pull back and put it on her? I have tried dragging her by the neck to events to have fun and she seems to generally have fun, but then will be "exhausted" for days after and be right back to the same thing.

What do?

Post pics?

Moglyzoke Moogleman · Feb 18, 2022

moonarchia said:
......Everquest?

Funny enough I was playing on Mischief but it actually made things worse due to all the trash-tier people. When you wallow in shit you start to feel like shit.

moonarchia · Feb 18, 2022

Moglyzoke Moogleman said:
One example I can give is when I do the dishes. My mind will inevitably start to wander to a negative place. Some random event that I feel shameful about, or something stupid that I said 6 years ago will pop into my thoughts. When this happens I have my mantra where I literally just say "stop." I somehow trained my brain so now, when I'm doing the dishes and my thoughts start fucking with me I go - no, STOP. Done. For some weird reason I was able to conquer this area of anxiety but can't apply it to other areas.

So I do have the same issue with work. I tend to fear getting fired, yet I have tremendous work ethic. My bosses have always had great things to say about me. My main issue at work is generally working too hard - not realizing it only made me a target for more work. The old "the reward for hard work is more work" type deal. Yet again, strangely enough as a hard worker I can't find the will to get back to school. Well I'm getting there but that's another story.

8 years ago I met a 40 something year old on Tindr (I'm going somewhere with this story, bear with me.) We talked for hours and I remember at one point my depression / anxiety came up (or my general outlook.) At one point she said "Someone did this to you." And I think she was right. I don't think I was abused, but I do think over the years the bullying, meanness, etc, took its' toll on me. As an example I went to private school my Sophomore year and got bullied for having an online girlfriend in WoW (How the times have changed!) To wrap it up I'm not saying your friend was hurt or bullied in the past, but for me, this is my likely culprit. It created a net negative view about myself that flourished into something absurd, untrue and wild yet exists in my mind.

As I stated initially I am sensitive (and I'm willing to guess your friend might be, too) and that is a contributing factor. Life is tough enough as it is in this current time with all the complexities. It is even more frustrating being very sensitive and thus caring about random bullshit that is meaningless - all the while overlooking things that truly matter. The stuff in 5, 10, and 20 years.

Thanks man. This is where my situation gets tricky though. I've basically become my own worst enemy and cut my nose off to spite my face. Like my conflict with my friends. I lost my money on stupid ass trades. Even if my friends gave me shitty financial advice - being a bitch about it won't help. It is a net negative. Yet I can't seem to behave better. Same deal with my lady. She is an absolute wonder and probably should've left me by now given all the fucked up shit I say. Yet she maintains I have a good heart and stands by me for that. So as you say, the world isn't as I think it appears.

Well, this tells us that you are in your late 20s or very early 30s (wow was out during your sophomore of HS). This might not be depression so much as coming to terms with the reality that life is meaningless and we all die. It's something we all have to wrestle with sooner or later. It's one of the last stages in growing up. If you can find your path out of the mental pit you will have found some type of purpose that will serve as a cornerstone for the rest of your life. Personally I was nihilistic during those years, and did everything short of suicide to wreck my life. I honestly thought everyone would be better off without me, etc. Turns out that was just ego on my part. Noone would have been 'destroyed' if I died, although some people would be sad about it.

Now, the meaningness of life can be a tough nut to crack. It is shitty, but it's the reality of the universe we live in. First, realize that you are absolutely powerless to change this. That may seem counterintuitive, but it is the essential first step in learning to let go. Second, find perspective. Our lives may be meaningless, but so is everyone else's, so we are all on equal footing there. Third, joy and wonder are also a part of the universe we live in. You will not have enough time to explore everything the world has to offer, but at this point you should have found a few things that you really enjoyed. Dust those off and figure out ways to reincorporate them into your life, preferably as a job if you can, but hobbies work too.

Cad · Feb 18, 2022

Oblio said:
Moglyzoke Moogleman sorry to be a broken record, but have you read The Four Agreements? Not saying it will cure you overnight, but it will help you if you try to apply the agreements in your own life.

I sent my friend this book. Looks like it could be helpful. Thanks!

TBT-TheBigToe · Apr 30, 2022

I have Covid, both my kids and my wife have it. They all got vaxxed, I did not.

I am not sure I am going to be free of the contagious period by monday on which my mother in law is being put to sleep (MAID, Medical Assistance In Dying) due to her advanced Alzheimer's so I may not be able to be there to support my wife.

Rest of my family is over the covid, I still have stomach issues, mild fever, slight sore throat, and fatigue.

I am absolutely devastated that she is going to have to go through that alone.

I wish I had gotten vaxxed.

I chose the wrong fear.

I just keep letting her down.

Hateyou · Apr 30, 2022

TBT-TheBigToe said:
I have Covid, both my kids and my wife have it. They all got vaxxed, I did not.

I am not sure I am going to be free of the contagious period by monday on which my mother in law is being put to sleep (MAID, Medical Assistance In Dying) due to her advanced Alzheimer's so I may not be able to be there to support my wife.

Rest of my family is over the covid, I still have stomach issues, mild fever, slight sore throat, and fatigue.

I am absolutely devastated that she is going to have to go through that alone.

I wish I had gotten vaxxed.

I chose the wrong fear.

I just keep letting her down.

You have no idea that getting vax would have made it shorter or milder. It could have even killed you, then where would your wife’s support be? If she is let down by you getting an illness you can’t control when her moms dying timing which is also out of your control idk what to tell you. If she’s holding any of that against you that’s pretty ridiculous on her part.

Tarrant · Apr 30, 2022

TBT-TheBigToe said:
I have Covid, both my kids and my wife have it. They all got vaxxed, I did not.

I am not sure I am going to be free of the contagious period by monday on which my mother in law is being put to sleep (MAID, Medical Assistance In Dying) due to her advanced Alzheimer's so I may not be able to be there to support my wife.

Rest of my family is over the covid, I still have stomach issues, mild fever, slight sore throat, and fatigue.

I am absolutely devastated that she is going to have to go through that alone.

I wish I had gotten vaxxed.

I chose the wrong fear.

I just keep letting her down.

I dont want to comment on the vax stuff as that will start a debate that's both unproductive and has no place here. That said, no one can predict the future. Choices were made, and we can't change those things. All you can do now is be there for your wife as much as you can in any way you can.

C.S. Lewis said "You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending" it's something I tell myself a lot.

COVID did a lot of fucking around in people's lives, and it still is to this day. Just worry about being there for her. When she goes to the hospital, or wherever they are going to do this, wait for her in the car, or just outside the building. Insert yourself as best you can, while no, it's not as good as it could have been, its the best you can do and any loving partner ould...or should recognize that.

Sorry you're going through this, that's tough. Hope you all can stay strong.

Gavinmad · Apr 30, 2022

TBT-TheBigToe said:
I wish I had gotten vaxxed.

I chose the wrong fear.

If one of your children was laid up in the hospital right now from myocarditis, would you still be unfairly judging yourself with the benefit of hindsight?

Oblio · Apr 30, 2022

TBT-TheBigToe said:
I have Covid, both my kids and my wife have it. They all got vaxxed, I did not.

I am not sure I am going to be free of the contagious period by monday on which my mother in law is being put to sleep (MAID, Medical Assistance In Dying) due to her advanced Alzheimer's so I may not be able to be there to support my wife.

Rest of my family is over the covid, I still have stomach issues, mild fever, slight sore throat, and fatigue.

I am absolutely devastated that she is going to have to go through that alone.

I wish I had gotten vaxxed.

I chose the wrong fear.

I just keep letting her down.

You made plans and then God laughed, especially ironic considering it is a planned death.

You made the best decision for yourself at the time with information that was available to you. Yes it totally sucks you will not be there at that exact moment for your wife, but you will be there for her when she gets home and for the rest of yours lives together.

-Ask her if she wants you on a video call during the time.
-Make it easier on her by having a town car take her there and back.
-Have dinner delivered/waiting for her when she gets home.
-Assuming your health will allow it, do some chores while is gone. Coming home to made beds and vacuumed/mopped floors would be nice I am sure.

Bottom line is you know your wife better than anyone, do something within your means that will help her in that overwhelmingly emotional moment.

It is not letting her down if it is out of your control.

Keep your head up Bro!!!

Julian The Apostate · May 4, 2022

I’ve just realized that I think I’ve had major battles with depression my entire adult life and never realized it. I’m really blown away that I never realized this until now. Just tons of realizations that both my previous relationships ended after years long bouts of depression. I was just really good at hiding it and even fooling myself. All of my previous long term relationships ended because they didn’t know what was wrong and just ended up blaming themselves. Im sad thinking about some people I’ve hurt not figuring this out sooner but really happy and relieved to realize it’s not normal to feel like this for long periods of time. Know that I know what it is I know I can figure it out.

Julian The Apostate · May 4, 2022

So allow me introduce my self to the fine contributors to this thread. I’m Julian the Apostate and you might be seeing me more around these parts rofl

moonarchia · May 5, 2022

Welcome to the party bus.

pharmakos · May 5, 2022

I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder in 2020, at the age of 33, around the time I finished chemotherapy. Lithium immediately made my brain work better. Looking back, the series of ups and downs over my life makes perfect sense as Bipolar disorder, but at the time I couldn't see the big picture past my day to day circumstances.

Recent research has shown that Bipolar is actually a disorder of the blood brain barrier, and the reason Lithium helps is BIO 101 membrane permeability / diffusion across ion gradient stuff. The cisplatin chemo I got causes nerve damage, but normally doesn't affect the brain. I worry that it was able to penetrate into my brain over the four years I got chemotherapy, before being medicated with lithium. My brain still hasn't felt like it's recovered to pre-chemo clarity even tho it's improved from the worst it's been since chemo.

Hatorade · May 12, 2022

Hippie talk aside, good vibes have been the cure lately. Been going to my usual area for exercise lately(dirt BMX jumps) and the vibe out there has been a lot of trash talk and salt about various things. Took a break from all that who would have guessed it, mood improved. Could be the dirt bikes/motos but more then likely it is the people around me all striving to do better at corners/jumps etc. and helping each other improve.

pharmakos · May 14, 2022

Hatorade said:
Hippie talk aside, good vibes have been the cure lately. Been going to my usual area for exercise lately(dirt BMX jumps) and the vibe out there has been a lot of trash talk and salt about various things. Took a break from all that who would have guessed it, mood improved. Could be the dirt bikes/motos but more then likely it is the people around me all striving to do better at corners/jumps etc. and helping each other improve.

Way too many negative people in the world bro. You need to distance yourself from the chronic complainers. Good work.

Kyougou · May 31, 2022

moonarchia said:
Yeah, aside from being vague and a little mopey sounding, try being a little more verbose as to what's eating you, Mr Grape. Why do you think you are going to die soon?

This was a good call out.
I don't really want to get too deep into it... but it was well on my mind at the time.
Drugs have been working out somewhat finally, but not really awesome...
Its more like I can't really get too sad but I can't really get too excited about anything, I'm always kind of mellow. If that makes sense.

I have taken on a new therapist that is honestly filling me with hope.
I want to believe and we will see where it goes from here.

moonarchia · Jun 1, 2022

Kyougou said:
This was a good call out.
I don't really want to get too deep into it... but it was well on my mind at the time.
Drugs have been working out somewhat finally, but not really awesome...
Its more like I can't really get too sad but I can't really get too excited about anything, I'm always kind of mellow. If that makes sense.

I have taken on a new therapist that is honestly filling me with hope.
I want to believe and we will see where it goes from here.

Yeah, most of the meds for depression will do that to you. And the list of side effects on them is usually pretty long. Try to avoid staying on them for long, because they will fuck you up.

Glad you are trying to fix your shit. I would always suggest 2 things to anyone and everyone that wants to change their outlook and health. 1) Exercise and diet, the physical rewards are just as awesome as the mental ones, so this should be a no brainer, but for some reason people who are depressed generally are not doing it. 2) Meditation, doesn't require any sort of religious crap, just learning how to empty your mind of everything is an amazing tool and will do wonders for your mental health.

Random self help video I just stumbled on that is actually in line with meditation. Basically a fun life hack that will actually yield results if you stick with it, and a little bit of science behind it.

Samuraibrah · Jul 13, 2022

Tarrant said:
Well last Saturday I got back from vacation, I took my 3 kids and wife out to see my family in Michigan. My family and I are very close, I talk to my parents multiple times a week. My dad has cancer and a rare disease that randomly causes him to experience some horrible things and will put him in bed for a week at a time when his body decides to go to shit suddenly.

I was out there for a week, they live in upper Michigan and ever since I was a child I've felt drawn to that area, it's hard to explain it really without sounding weird but lets just say I truly feel I belong there.

I get to see my family once year, my sisters live out there as well. When I left to come back to Minneapolis it was very hard to do so and immediately begin to feel down about it. I mean I figured that's natural and all, vacation ends, no one likes that...but it's more than just that.

So I get home Saturday evening and then on Sunday I have to drive my oldest two kids north to drop them off with the grandfather to take them back to their moms. (they live 4 hours north of me) I always have a rough time dealing with that too as I wont see them for almost four weeks.

Combine the two of those things and I feel fucking empty and I don't understand how not too. I've never felt like this, I'm usually very upbeat and the cheerful guy that makes everyone else smile and laugh. I do things that normally make me happy and I feel absolutely nothing other then a huge pit of emptiness. I was banking it would go away after a day or two but the shit is just getting worse and it's getting to the point where I'm having a hard time hiding it.

I don't know what to do about it and its driving me nuts and getting worse.

as someone who's been depressed for about a decade, I can tell you that it wares off after a while. Nowadays, I really only feel a little sad, or melancholy sometimes. It's easier to deal with I guess is what I'm saying.

Tarrant · Jul 13, 2022

Samuraibrah said:
as someone who's been depressed for about a decade, I can tell you that it wares off after a while. Nowadays, I really only feel a little sad, or melancholy sometimes. It's easier to deal with I guess is what I'm saying.

9 year reply in the making! Lol

Well 9 years later, two of my three kids live with my while my daughter spends 2 months here in the summer (I moved back to Michigan)

While things are better these days, regarding family stuff (divorced the huge source of it) I still get deeply down at times when away from my daughter.

I can say after seeing my kids in and off for 14 years, that never got easier in the least.

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Depression

moonarchia

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