Big Phoenix
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Girls who broke your heart thread
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Zehnpai
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I think we have a different idea of the scope of the question. I"m more talking/responding to, "I love you <-------> this much" and less "I"d really appreciate it if you"d stop using the word "baller"."Evelys said:
And, as I said, anecdotal. There are by no means universal truths here but I"ve only ever made shit worse by opening my mouth and speaking my feelings about things when I knew it wasn"t what she wanted to hear.
I guess what I meant was, are you sure your significant other actually felt loved (cared for, whatever). You can say a lot, but what you show can back it up or squash it.
I think people say "I love you" too much, especially everyone who feels the need to say it every time they are getting off of the phone. I"d rather say it when I feel like I need to. Having that said, some men (and women) don"t say itorshow it, they expect their partners to "just know" because they are with them. That can cause some problems and if they don"t feel cared for, they likely won"t come to you and let you know because, well, they doubt you even care.
Evelys post makes a good point, and is something many people should think about. Maybe it makes for an awkward early dating discussion, but when the chick is sitting around a decade later wondering what is so wrong with her that he has yet to propose, you"ll run into some issues. People should just say shit from the get-go. Ya" know what? I doubt I will every marry anyone. Maybe I"ll marry someone but not you. I have to get approval from my family on who I marry, not sure you"ll make the cut but you can give it hell if you like. OH, I doubt I"ll want kids. Hey, I want four kids! etc...
I have one friend...ONE... who actually covered the "I don"t want kids" thing from the first date and it worked out well. Everyone else didn"t want to scare the guy off and are now expecting their boyfriend to dump them any day now for someone younger who they"ll likely end up marrying.
I didn"t really have a purpose in asking, I was just curious. I like to see how different people behave in relationships.
Some of you seem jaded, and that"s sad. Then again, I"m pretty jaded when it comes to a lot of things, so I"m not hatin".
I think people say "I love you" too much, especially everyone who feels the need to say it every time they are getting off of the phone. I"d rather say it when I feel like I need to. Having that said, some men (and women) don"t say itorshow it, they expect their partners to "just know" because they are with them. That can cause some problems and if they don"t feel cared for, they likely won"t come to you and let you know because, well, they doubt you even care.
Evelys post makes a good point, and is something many people should think about. Maybe it makes for an awkward early dating discussion, but when the chick is sitting around a decade later wondering what is so wrong with her that he has yet to propose, you"ll run into some issues. People should just say shit from the get-go. Ya" know what? I doubt I will every marry anyone. Maybe I"ll marry someone but not you. I have to get approval from my family on who I marry, not sure you"ll make the cut but you can give it hell if you like. OH, I doubt I"ll want kids. Hey, I want four kids! etc...
I have one friend...ONE... who actually covered the "I don"t want kids" thing from the first date and it worked out well. Everyone else didn"t want to scare the guy off and are now expecting their boyfriend to dump them any day now for someone younger who they"ll likely end up marrying.
I didn"t really have a purpose in asking, I was just curious. I like to see how different people behave in relationships.
Some of you seem jaded, and that"s sad. Then again, I"m pretty jaded when it comes to a lot of things, so I"m not hatin".
Zehnpai
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There"s something to be said also for the various types of love and whether or not you were still providing that (despite you feeling like you are giving it). I know this is another captain obvious moment but it"s entirely possible that you were simply not loving her in the way that "clicks" with her.Ravvenn said:
Most guys I know aren"t that picky. I know I"m not. It"s not hard for me to feel loved. Keeping me interested however is another matter entirely.
For a girl though, it"s too easy to think, "I sent that bitch a smiley face" and now she feels loved like it"s some kind of red meter we can fill up by buying health potions. Girls have like 15 different meters and unless you find the exact one that"s hanging on empty you might be in trouble.
That"s my theory at least. I tend to go over the top with romantic gestures. Exhibit A:
Granted I should have made sure the relationship was a little more stable before I learned an entirely new skill set just because I thought the girl might like a hand crafted somewhat useful piece of "my boyfriend made this for me!" art.
But stuff like that isn"t always appreciated, or even clicks with a girl and sometimes it can feel like throwing darts at a dart board.
Again, anecdotal obviously. I knew a girl who absolutely hated being complimented. It was a turn off for her. But when I drove to the store at 3 AM to get her some pizza? Only pizza I"ve ever made that came with a happy ending.
I"m going to ramble a bit. Just had a long chat with a friend so I"m adding some of our discussion into this post.
(Jx3) without knowing that much it"s hard to say what it was. Maybe you two just didn"t have enough time together in order to stay connected. It"s easy to doubt things, or doubt your partners feelings (even if they tell you how they feel, more-so if they don"t) if you don"t have a lot of time together. Especially if one (or both) aren"t trying their best to makethat timeseem important, sadly it"s often taken for granted.
Not saying that"s what you did, it may be what she did, or something neither of you did or didn"t do. Could be anything really. But seriously, Aamina is a special case. I felt bad for him until his constant sex talk made it icky, awkward and pathetic.
Cut your losses and find someone who isn"t a shithead. If someone doesn"t care enough to do their share in a relationship (the emotional "work") and would rather check-out than try, it likely wasn"t meant to be.
(Rambling) It would be easy to sit here and say what women need just as easy as it would be for you to say what men need (emotionally) in a relationship. We"re all different, so it"s on each person to voice those needs to their partner(s). But the way I see it now is that if it has to be told to the other person in great detail (or more than once), maybe they"re not the person for you. Some people never voice their wants and needs in fear of sounding needy, clingy, demanding or afraid of their partners reaction, some voice them too much. The outcome always seems to be the same, though.
She could have had the decency to tell you prior to checking out that she felt like you two weren"t fully connected anymore. Just like people who cheat or evenconsidercheating. They"d rather sabotage any and all trust than at least try to talk to their partner and attempt to reconnect, they"d rather humiliate their partner than to save them some face and just leave them before cheating.
Some people are emotionally selfish, and theycanstill be a good person - just not good for you. Some people may put their own feelings so high above yours, they forget you even have feelings. They may even put the feelings of their friends, colleagues, family, heck..even their pets above yours. I think the reason most people advise to just pack up and go is because once someone has hurt you, betrayed your trust, or didn"t work as hard as you did in the relationship....they likely never will. Gaining trust isn"ttoooooohard the first time around but once it"s broken, not many people are willing to do the extra work to rebuild it. They may truly love you, but love will nevereverbe enough to hold a relationship together.
It"s sad but I really don"t think many people will ever find their true "soul mates", only the lucky ones do. The rest are in one way or another, settling.
Try not to settle and I think you"ll be OK.
(Jx3) without knowing that much it"s hard to say what it was. Maybe you two just didn"t have enough time together in order to stay connected. It"s easy to doubt things, or doubt your partners feelings (even if they tell you how they feel, more-so if they don"t) if you don"t have a lot of time together. Especially if one (or both) aren"t trying their best to makethat timeseem important, sadly it"s often taken for granted.
Not saying that"s what you did, it may be what she did, or something neither of you did or didn"t do. Could be anything really. But seriously, Aamina is a special case. I felt bad for him until his constant sex talk made it icky, awkward and pathetic.
Cut your losses and find someone who isn"t a shithead. If someone doesn"t care enough to do their share in a relationship (the emotional "work") and would rather check-out than try, it likely wasn"t meant to be.
(Rambling) It would be easy to sit here and say what women need just as easy as it would be for you to say what men need (emotionally) in a relationship. We"re all different, so it"s on each person to voice those needs to their partner(s). But the way I see it now is that if it has to be told to the other person in great detail (or more than once), maybe they"re not the person for you. Some people never voice their wants and needs in fear of sounding needy, clingy, demanding or afraid of their partners reaction, some voice them too much. The outcome always seems to be the same, though.
She could have had the decency to tell you prior to checking out that she felt like you two weren"t fully connected anymore. Just like people who cheat or evenconsidercheating. They"d rather sabotage any and all trust than at least try to talk to their partner and attempt to reconnect, they"d rather humiliate their partner than to save them some face and just leave them before cheating.
Some people are emotionally selfish, and theycanstill be a good person - just not good for you. Some people may put their own feelings so high above yours, they forget you even have feelings. They may even put the feelings of their friends, colleagues, family, heck..even their pets above yours. I think the reason most people advise to just pack up and go is because once someone has hurt you, betrayed your trust, or didn"t work as hard as you did in the relationship....they likely never will. Gaining trust isn"ttoooooohard the first time around but once it"s broken, not many people are willing to do the extra work to rebuild it. They may truly love you, but love will nevereverbe enough to hold a relationship together.
It"s sad but I really don"t think many people will ever find their true "soul mates", only the lucky ones do. The rest are in one way or another, settling.
Try not to settle and I think you"ll be OK.
Camerous
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I think in the end that is what happened to me. She wouldn"t talk to me and she wouldn"t complain cause she said she didn"t want to be a nag.. but how the hell was I supposed to be able to know exactly what was wrong? Read her mind? I told her so many times... "Please, Mel, don"t let this stuff build up. Just tell me how you are feeling so we can work through it." But seems wanting someone to communicate just isn"t enough.
See what a lot of people in this thread assume is if you can"t move on and just cut a woman off you have no balls, you"re a pussy, ect ect. What they don"t take into account is the relationship. I have ALWAYS been able to just cut a woman off and walk away. Hell I fired my first wife from her job and gave her divorce papers for her anniversary. I have always been cold and brutal. Until now. And the reason I wasn"t any more is because she was EVERYTHING I had ever looked for. Smart, funny, caring, sexy, and we had the most amazing times together, both in and out of bed.
Now I lay here and I can"t go a single day with out thinking about her. She rides by my store EVERY single day. One of the worst things so far for me is I woke up from an intense dream about her and I smelled her. I could actually SMELL her... I broke down again.
I think this is fate paying me back for all the pain and misery I have put all the other women in my life through. I am so broke inside I can"t even find all the pieces much less put them back together again. I sit here alone and look at these walls I have built around me and how I have shut every one in the world out and I weep because I don"t know how to tear them back down again. I found some notes she put in my wallet for me and I lost it again.
I am alone. So be it.
See what a lot of people in this thread assume is if you can"t move on and just cut a woman off you have no balls, you"re a pussy, ect ect. What they don"t take into account is the relationship. I have ALWAYS been able to just cut a woman off and walk away. Hell I fired my first wife from her job and gave her divorce papers for her anniversary. I have always been cold and brutal. Until now. And the reason I wasn"t any more is because she was EVERYTHING I had ever looked for. Smart, funny, caring, sexy, and we had the most amazing times together, both in and out of bed.
Now I lay here and I can"t go a single day with out thinking about her. She rides by my store EVERY single day. One of the worst things so far for me is I woke up from an intense dream about her and I smelled her. I could actually SMELL her... I broke down again.
I think this is fate paying me back for all the pain and misery I have put all the other women in my life through. I am so broke inside I can"t even find all the pieces much less put them back together again. I sit here alone and look at these walls I have built around me and how I have shut every one in the world out and I weep because I don"t know how to tear them back down again. I found some notes she put in my wallet for me and I lost it again.
I am alone. So be it.
She was the man using tweaker, right? You can"t really take something too personal when honestly, you don"t know who she really is (sober). I"m a big fan of karma and have wished it would be hand delivered to the doors of some specific people to punch them in their hollow chests. However, this lady is a manipulative drug addict and you fell (hard) a victim to her. Maybe it"s karma, maybe it"s bad luck. Doesn"t undo anything, though.
Maybe apologize to those you owe it to and try to move forward. You should also probably check out therapy if you haven"t. You are like, holy crap depressed.
Maybe apologize to those you owe it to and try to move forward. You should also probably check out therapy if you haven"t. You are like, holy crap depressed.
Camerous
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I should be depressed but I am going to the gym every night, I still work every day, and I don"t break down any more but in private.Ravvenn said:
Maybe I do need therapy but I don"t have the time for it. Not only did she fuck me over in my private life but she fucked me over professionally too. She was one of my store managers and now I am having to be in that store every day trying to train someone to run it but after 3 fucking morons I still haven"t found any one worth a shit. And the problems just keep on coming.
She sounds like a shady, cheating and sketchy bitch who you should be glad is out of your life. I honestly don"t understand the whole breakdown here. You seem like a future Aamina.
Jx3
Riddle me this...
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Amanda called me today. Said she heard I was at the bar with some friends drinking and playing pool acting like I didn"t have a care in the world. (Which to be honest after the 4th beer I didn"t)
So she wanted to let me know she was sorry and never meant to drive me away. After talking to her friends she realizes what we have/had is really good. She asked if we could possibly go to dinner tomorrow to talk some things out. I said sure.
Personally a side of me wants to tell her to suck my dick and hope she chokes, the other side wants to hug her and tell her its ok.
Oh well, I"ll see what happens. I know for a fact though I"m going to get my own apartment regardless of the outcome. If she wants to stay with me that"s fine. I"ll be damned though if I"m stuck in the same spot like the last time and be scrambling for a place to live if shit goes bad.
So she wanted to let me know she was sorry and never meant to drive me away. After talking to her friends she realizes what we have/had is really good. She asked if we could possibly go to dinner tomorrow to talk some things out. I said sure.
Personally a side of me wants to tell her to suck my dick and hope she chokes, the other side wants to hug her and tell her its ok.
Oh well, I"ll see what happens. I know for a fact though I"m going to get my own apartment regardless of the outcome. If she wants to stay with me that"s fine. I"ll be damned though if I"m stuck in the same spot like the last time and be scrambling for a place to live if shit goes bad.
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Seems to be the basis (bolded part) of my ex and our attempts to make things work again (or rather, us trying again with me trying to trust her and her trying to show me that she wants to be trusted, isnt lying or being a cheater).Ravvenn said:
But in the end, there were always the same signs that were there before telling me that while she may be crying on the phone saying ive been good ive been good, when theres still:
1) you pay for everything, ask her to pay and its the world must have frozen over (lets not forget "you"re the guy you"re supposed to pay for everything" - RAGE)
2) still has tons of guys texting her and the three times out of 3 months that i happen to feel like looking into that conversation based on a suspicious text, she claims was just a coincidence and she would of course never go over to these guys houses after work at 4 am (works at club) - reason this matters is because basis of her cheating came from "just guy friends texting"
3) the best tell tale sign has always been that when things are coming to an end on that trial run, she will always hold everything in until the breaking point, and then break up through a text.. of course you never know this until the end but if I ever find myself doubting I was too hard on the chick, this one always reassures me that all the crying she did claiming she was good this time, and while she may have improved, these three things never changed and in my opinion convey that she shouldnt be trusted.
I"m not sure emotionally selfish is a "class" of people as you make it sound, I think you would just call that selfish and doesnt care about you, are you really trying to tell me that there are relationships that exist (healthy, long lasting ones) that contain a person emotionally selfish? seems so contradicting.. the other person must be content with being so selfless.
My ex is certainly emotionally selfish, to the T of your description. Puts everyone else"s feelings above yours. I guess when you get so comfy with someone being your bitch, its easier to value peoples feelings over your bitch"s feelings.
Either way, I stand to say that yeah, pack up and go, after trying time and time again with this chick, she never will work hard enough to gain that trust back (and thats not to say she cant, its that she doesnt want to, or doesnt see that she needs to or how she needs to, im unsure of which it is. If its how she needs to, i"ve told her over and over and over but sometimes it feels like you"re just betraying yourself giving away your "cheat codes" to your heart, how do you know its true if you told her how exactly to do it?)
Each time she fails, she ends up failing because she wasn"t being trustworthy, thus sinking that trust level even lower than it was before trying again.
It just baffles me someone can cry and cry and cry saying they"re so good so good, and end up not being. She never seemed to act like she really understood what she did in the first place, everyone else seemed to get it and the way I would act, but to her it was just me being an asshole and jealous.. but rather me trying to secure my trust in her actions
I dont understand why someone would keep coming back around wanting to waste her own time if she was just going to keep hiding things and lying, and with that it sometimes seemed silly not to trust her, but in the end..
Are there really people that believe saying sorry is the end all? Because this chick did, she would say sorry then expect everything to be forgotten and if you did bring it up again "you"re going in circles." You might as well add that one to the list of things that never changed and convey reasons not to trust said person..
When it comes to that chick (and will never again), I"ve learned two things: Trust what you know, and trust what you see.
I expect that my future wife will do everything for me that I would do for her. My money is equal to hers in weight (unless the incomes are vastly different, then it would be a ratio but you know what i mean), I scratch her back she scratches me, so on..
Sorry for the rant, had a lot on my mind lately. It"s better to just not try to justify things but sometimes hard to not passively do it.
PS - Yah I know dont talk to her, dont need to hear it.
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Good luck, thats a very good decision to have your own place, it would be funny to see things change places to where she lives with you and you"re on the upperhand (even though shouldnt "be" like that).Jx3 said:
My question would be, can you really trust her and will the relationship be the way it was now that she has once abandoned you and pushed you away? that she had doubts, and will those doubts go away this time? Will you have doubts now?
Sorry to play devil"s advocate, just making you think if shes ruined it already or not. Everyone can act like nothing happened but doesnt mean that shit isnt passively lingering.
I would probably convey you lost a lot of faith in her and should you decide to try again, she shouldnt be surprised that she might have to put a little extra effort in to reassure you this isnt for a week or short term and she is serious, and not jealous of your new found independence from her.
I actually have a few questions of my own, I have a friend who decided to move in with his girlfriend after 6 months. Since they"ve moved in, whenever they get in fights he"s realized that she is quite the physically violent person. She obviously has trust issues from where I have no idea but they"re there, he has never cheated on her, he fully supports the girl and treats her like a queen, but now and then he"ll get a little hyper and tick her off, ends up in her punching him and choking him (holy shit), and then her saying sorry. She"s been seeing a therapist but I dont really see much future in this, since its already been 1.5 year long relationship and they"re at this point.
I"ve told him he should move on and theres not much to look forward to in the future, to top it off her best friend accused him of cheating on her, and she quickly trusted her friend over him, for reasons I have no idea, and told him not to come home for a day (hes pays all the rent etc) and didnt know if she wanted to be with him.
What a world. He has told her next time she decides to go UFC on him that she shouldnt be surprised if he teaches her not to ever again, to which I"ve said be careful because of the chances the cops will believe her over him.. and just that it wont end up good either way.
I mean, I honestly think she has a lot of deep issues for reasons he claims he has no idea, her parents seem to be great, they are divorced but both the step parents (both parents remarried) are awfully nice and they all even have family dinners TOGETHER, like one big huge family and I cant see why she has trust issues or violence so it must be some type of ex bf.. but I dont think its worth dealing with after 1 year of a relationship and wont be going away anytime soon.. going to a therapist for now, in my eyes, is just acting as a bandaid.
I guess it is possible that when people betray their significant others and try to hold things together, they really believe they can change or really want to but can"t. A lot of different mistakes can be made that are devastating to the person it happened to, yet the person who did it can chalk it up as a misunderstanding, something blown out of proportion, a mistake, etc. (Hey, no penetration went down so it"s totally not a big deal!) without realizing how much damage they"ve really done by betraying their partners trust.lost said:
They may keep coming back around or asking you to stay because you"re "familiar", they"re used to you, even though they may be thinking about someone else (or wanting to be alone). Perhaps they"re trying to spare your feelings (lol) or feel obligated, who the fuck knows why people do that? We could guess for days and days but never truly know and I highly doubt the people who do this shit will ever be able to give a clear and honest answer to the question.
You mean you don"t love the (a few hours later), "Why are you still upset? I said I was sorry, how long are you going to drag this out?"...? Maybe it"s guilt and they don"t want to see or hear that you"re hurt. It"s shitty to look at it that way, but likely true. Sometimes you end up turning into the bad guy for being hurt, sad, angry, or wanting some sort of resolution, explanation, closure, etc. after sorry has been said, shame on you for not dropping that shit after 3 hours .
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Jx3, good luck. I"d keep up some wicked high walls, though.
It is NEVER okay for your partner to be physically violent with you. Never never never. That should automatically end any relationship.
Camerous
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Sometimes when you love so completely any thing that keeps you together is worth doing to you. We, as outsiders, have no idea what really goes on inside their world and to give advice, like a lot of folks here want to do, without knowing every thing is completely stupid. That"s why I listen to the people who actually make constructive posts and think about what they are saying and ignore 99% of every one else"s crap they post.
your glasses be rosy.Camerous said:
in the moment you"re thinking, she wants this? ok I"ll do it, I"ll give it my all. for us!
the board is here to tell you that what you"re doing in the name of love may be poison to the long-lasting love you seek.
when what you"re doing to keep the two of you together can be considered a concession on your part, you gotta realize that some concessions cost you respect, and once respect is lost, all is lost.
Stratos said:
This, although kind of reversed. I stayed in Oregon to live with my girlfriend even though I wanted to move back to TX (had this plan in my mind even before I went in/got out of the military) and finish school and be close to my family. She made it very clear she never wanted to move there, even early on. I loved her, so I made the concession of staying here to be with her. I worked on finishing school, and bettering myself for the future to get ready to raise a family...she kinda did nothing. Just moved on to different part time jobs and wasn"t doing anything to further herself.
Ultimately, I lost respect for her and felt that I had made some serious concessions for someone who I just saw myself fully supporting later down the road. Once I lost respect, it was pretty much over, even though I tried to hang on for as long as possible. Sucks, because it was 4 years, and she was smokin hot. Live and learn, I guess.
Big Phoenix
Pronouns: zie/zhem/zer
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Dude, your marriage didnt crumble because she couldnt tell you she was mad when you left the toliet seat up, it fell apart because she was a sleezy drug using whore.Camerous said:
Only go if youre looking for an even worse heartache down the road.