How to deal with a dead beat family member who is dragging your parents down

Voyce, most of what I want to suggest is illegal. Most of the legal options have already been brought up. Do talk to your law enforcement family and let them know the details. Get their input.

Frenzied Wombat said:

Put a dropcam in your parents house and film his physical abuse. Use that to either press charges or threaten him to leave the house.

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This. It sucks. Its not going to feel good, but you need some type of record of this abuse. If he is a vulgar shouter, or threat-maker, and no one else is-- even better.

If things do come to blows, you need your own story. You can't rely on "EVERYBODY KNOWS" in court, or with cops. You CANNOT rely on your parents. That is NOT fair to presume they will take an appropriate side. They are still his parents and birthed this monster. The monster has been buffed up and its running loose, they feel guilt and responsibility on some level.

Get a body camera, preferably one thats stealth, wear it and/or use a hidden camera to record something.

I have been in a lot of situations where I knew I needed my own side of the story (because the individual was known to lie and create grand accusations and make a mess) and if I wanted to nip police intervention in the bud, I needed something to solidify my version.

Please at least consider this since the situation seems very similar. I'm still assessing your particular situation and the details though, I just wanted to post this much right away.

Twilight Sparkle said:

The simplest and most effective answer here is violence, but like most people you would probably hesitate to beat your brother halfway or all the way to death.

I'm not going to repeat all the other advice here, but I will say this: Make sure your conscience is clear with whatever action you do or do not take. If you take option 3 and your psychotic ex-con brother snaps and kills your parents it will be just as much your fault as it was the fault of your parents for enabling him and your brother for actually doing the deed, and you will have to live with that. While you may not want to believe your brother capable of that, anyone who would lay their hands on their parents like that is incredibly unstable and it really doesn't take much for someone like that to completely lose control.

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I feel I need to requote this, having first hand experience with 2 bad seed roommates. People like this can have periods where things intensify and/or they feel they need to do something. Its irrational but escalation of violence is one of the thrashings someone like this in a depression will do. This needed to be stressed.

Its normal to go through hard times. The rest of us go through hard times alone, this guy seems like the type to not lie down and accept mediocrity and/or a loser life. This can manifest as violence especially as pressure to leave the house, get a solid job, etc. are mentioned even once. Even 1 time a year is too much for your brother, trust me when you are in this situation you have your own version of things and aren't doing much thinking. Its all emotional and misplaced behavior. My other friend called the cops on our roommates, and even with the cops there, he was still assaulted. This was after he tried to kick his door in. He tried kicking the door in, he dialed quietly, the police couldn't find the fucking address, and he had to run by him and 5-6 of his friends in the living room doing a literal barrel roll to the door to signal the cops. The cops came over, he got hit. They arrested and took him away. Later the other bad seed (who was not arrested in the initial arrest) jumped on him in the kitchen, strangling him in a struggle to the living room couch. I came in through the slider at the right time after getting a voicemail he left me sounding scared in his room from earlier in the night. He barely got out. He had known the 2nd roommate for 18 years, since childhood.

They were mad about our jobs and income. They realized how stupid it was after the legal trauma. That there was no reason for the violence, complete 180, and no apologies necessary. It was lowbrow bullshit.

It WILL get worse before it gets better I'm afraid. There will be a legal trauma. There is no way to avoid this, from my perspective of firsthand experience.

He WILL start blaming everyone around him, even if he doesn't say it out loud. This is the track he is on. Please be careful. He might even end up going up for a life sentence, YOU DON'T KNOW.

He obviously needs medication and/or serious counsel from someone he respects. But it is not your place or position to make suggestions as his brother. Doctors are not someone he respects. Counsel he would listen to can only come from an institution he respects. If bigger cooler bullies (peers) explained what he is doing and why its wrong, he would respect it and may have a life-changing moment. Even if it required being shunned by the bullies he looks up to, or beaten by them, first.

Unfortunately, the brutes need to lose the brute before they can be counseled by so-called "lesser men" ala counselors and doctors in his mind, this only happens with a serious legal trauma. Which he has already failed, the incarceration did not humble him. He is too far gone now. When someone's go-to is violence even post-incarceration, there's not much that can be done aside from ensuring that when that legal trauma happens, everyone makes out OK. Including your fathead family member.

Good luck.

iannis said:

you've only got two options really. Beat him until he leaves, which doesn't sound plausible, or get his probation officer involved.

I'd confront him directly with that choice. He's already physically violent with your parents, so the line has already been crossed. If the parents are set on patience mode I don't know if video footage of abuse will be worth anything. Be nice if it was, that just means you don't have to take a beating to get him out of their house. But if they don't pursue a charge, I doubt a judge or lawyer is going to go out of their way to help.

Pick a fight, get beat up, press charges, violation of parole and he's back in jail.

And your parents will probably resent you.

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People like this on probation, who continue to act like this while on probation, are usually not the type of people you want to mess with. Have you ever been incarcerated for longer than 6 months? Well his guy's brother has, and he was not phased by it. That says it all.

I'm questioning how much experience some of you have with thugs and bullies, being an EverQuest guild forum. Acting as described on probation means he is likely suicidal to a degree. He does not respect potential consequence. He is already a psychotic bully. He may also be delusional under stress. People in this type of condition have to be shunned, but unfortunately in this instance the monster that believes it is owed everything has been chained up in his parents house.

If there is some kind of fight brewing, it could very well be the last one he plans on having. A person can't throw away whats already been thrown away. This is the nightmare scenario.

Self-preservation above all else. CYA Cover Your Ass. Rule 1. Get that video tape and start logging some activities if at all possible, plant a hidden camera in the kitchen. Speak to your LEO friends and get more advice. Going to his probation sounds like a bad idea right now, he won't be on probation forever.

This is kind of fucked up, but may work:

My brother is 31, drug addict, jail steals all that shit. Recently 2 of my dad's close friends died after being unplugged from the vent. I used the experience to remind him that's where he's headed if he keeps letting all this drama and anger into his life on a daily basis. He's 60, started walking more, and made a pledge to put an end to the madness.

Like people have said, love isn't logical, but fear and self interest may motivate your parents if you remind them of how shitty dying is.

Never posted this before

We had a stepbrother who was a piece of shit. In and out of jail for stealing and identity theft. He ended up living at my parents house while my brother and I lived there.

He ended up stealing a bunch of money from my wallet while I slept and we also found photocopies of all our licensed and SS cards in his room. In addition he opened a very large line of credit in my stepfathers name, a cell phone account sent to collections in my name (found out when I applied for a mortgage ), and also started a business in my stepfathers name.

He claimed he was working everyday at a bread company but my brother and I caught him riding around town on his bike one during the week when he was supposedly working.

One night after all this we saw him driving down a back road on his bike. We struck up a conversation then beat the absolute shit out of him and told him to leave our house . He packed up his stuff and never said a word about it. He's been in and out of jail since then so it didn't do anything.

It wasn't my finest moment but he had to get out of there. I wouldn't even recommend anyone do this except as a last resort. Could've gone to prison for beating up a piece of shit.

Hot damn that's awesome.

I'd like to hear about this guy getting beat to death. Violence against parents is top shelf fuckery.

The law won't do anything to help you, OP. Violence won't help either, you will just make your folks mad at you and possibly go to jail.

My 15 y/o step-daughter gets choked and slammed into the wall by her real father all the time, since he told the judge it was just "rough-housing", she still has to go over there half the time.

Jalynfane said:

The law won't do anything to help you, OP. Violence won't help either, you will just make your folks mad at you and possibly go to jail.

My 15 y/o step-daughter gets choked and slammed into the wall by her real father all the time, since he told the judge it was just "rough-housing", she still has to go over there half the time.

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Is the fact that she's only your step-daughter the way you justify not having a spine?

Don't be a douche, guy. This is not the wild west, you just can't go shoot some one that wrongs you.

You sue the hell out of them in Civil Court

Jalynfane said:

you just can't go shoot some one that wrongs you.

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I'm sorry, either that story is bullshit or you have no spine

He's even a failure at identity theft and fraud. The guys I see are pulling a good amount of coin. Without a talking witness it seems that overbilling credit cards under various company's, sky is the limit, especially when the companies are incorporated under patsies. The guy running the show never gets busted because they can't find these street people and get them to talk, then he moves to another state, rinse repeat. Makes your blood boil as a working man, but its an extreme minority. Seeing the extreme success from this "job" definitely hurts.

Its one of the areas the FBI and SS need more resources on and have asked repeated for a bigger budget on.

jayrebb said:

He's even a failure at identity theft and fraud. The guys I see are pulling a good amount of coin. Without a talking witness it seems that overbilling credit cards under various company's, sky is the limit, especially when the companies are incorporated under names of street people and degenerates. The guy running the show never gets busted because they can't find these street people and get them to talk, then he moves to another state, rinse repeat. Makes your blood boil as a working man, but its an extreme minority. Seeing the extreme success from this "job" definitely hurts.

Its one of the areas the FBI and SS need more resources on and have asked repeated for a bigger budget on.

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He had fetal alcohol syndrome or whatever so he actually is .. retarded.. for lack of a better word

I feel it only makes the story better.

Noodleface said:

He had fetal alcohol syndrome or whatever so he actually is .. retarded.. for lack of a better word

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I should have guessed. Mandatory minimum sentence is now 2 flat years fed time, regardless of damages and if you can fully repay, regardless of the number of identities stolen, regardless of how sorry you are.

Administering said beating is always something me and my friends would discuss, as far as the institution of violence goes, when its warranted and when it isn't, is such a thing really necessary or just selfish emotional satisfaction-- even the pacifist among us agreed some things are just god. As a human I feel bad for this guy, copying papers in the same house he stays in is rock-bottom pathetic.

Why these guys are able to build a history of crime and misery is because of industrial age segregation, which abolished the community-village setting. Absence of community-driven checks and balances. A family unit doesn't cut it. The fungus grow big inside secluded buildings and secluded homes on the hill away from the village.