Marriage and the Power of Divorce

a_skeleton_03 said:

I think lindz stole one of my key camps the other day in Everquest, so rude.

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AND WHO WAS IN VP LAST NIGHT!? You gotta be cutthroat yo.



But the sex after child birth thing... it's super weird. For me, I wanted sex the day after. Obviously physically couldn't, but that right there was a big factor in the wanting it. Physically not being able to made me feel disconnected from my husband more - like the intimacy wasn't there in the same way and so I craved that intimacy. Do you think there could be some of that Noodle? No idea how that translates in your marriage. Some people pull away.

And oh god after the first kid I absolutely was scared that it would feel different and I was mortified. I know now that, yes it likely does feel different, but vaginas are pretty damn amazing and repair themselves pretty quick.

I didn't need to have a kid to know vaginas are amazing.

lindz said:

AND WHO WAS IN VP LAST NIGHT!? You gotta be cutthroat yo.



But the sex after child birth thing... it's super weird. For me, I wanted sex the day after. Obviously physically couldn't, but that right there was a big factor in the wanting it. Physically not being able to made me feel disconnected from my husband more - like the intimacy wasn't there in the same way and so I craved that intimacy. Do you think there could be some of that Noodle? No idea how that translates in your marriage. Some people pull away.

And oh god after the first kid I absolutely was scared that it would feel different and I was mortified. I know now that, yes it likely does feel different, but vaginas are pretty damn amazing and repair themselves pretty quick.

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Well, we have two difficult kids so there's probably an emotional disconnect. At the end of the day we're honestly wiped out. We have to sleep weird opposite hours because #2 just doesn't want to sleep yet. Physical intimacy is just not a priority - but the boner wants what the boner wants. I think it's hard to carve out some time for the two of us. Even our anniversary was spent with our two boys - and while it was great, a break would be nice. Unfortunately baby 2 is too difficult to plop on someone to watch, especially with maniac boy running wild.

As for how she feels I just don't know. If it's something deeper, she's refusing to tell me. I'm doing my best to give her breathing room. However...

When she found out she was pregnant she was deemed high risk. Doctor told her no sex at all. Somewhere around 6 months in the doctor called and said ok you can have sex. We had sex once where I repainted the walls of our bedroom with nut sauce in about 30 seconds and the doctor cut her off again - and with good reason, she accidentally had our baby at home.

So the reason I say this is we haven't REALLY had sex in awhile now. I am willing to bet she's also worried about something, plus probably some PTSD from giving birth, plus god knows what articles she reads every day.

I think it's a temporary problem, at least I hope so. I absolutely can't be in a sexless marriage.

Also had this fucking epiphany moment with my husband. Like, how the fuck did we not realize this in the last 12 years.

Two questions/statements:

I don't understand why you feel that way.

vs.

Why do you feel that way?


I'm a very empathetic person (to my detriment often), my husband is not. I frame my understanding of things very internally. I try to understand someone through my own lens. He doesn't at all. Male/female thing maybe? Although I think we are both kind of extreme version of this.

Anyways. So we've been having issues with the "understanding each other" stuff. Not just understanding each other, but letting the other person know you understand them, care about understanding them and care about them. I've been accused of being selfish a lot, which has really bothered me. BUT then we got to talking and I straight up said I was not understanding what is making him think I'm acting selfishly when I don't at all feel I have been. Those two questions/statements came up. The first - to him - is offensive and selfish and has been triggering him. The second is the proper way to show someone you want to understand them. Whereas it's the opposite for me. The first is me internalizing, trying to relate with what he's saying and understand it on a level that makes sense to me. The second feels far more superficial. And it is fucking weird that something as simple as the phrasing in which we've been asking this sort of question has been causing problems.

So yeah, mind kind of blown though it really is simple stuff. Don't have those giant epiphany moments very often though.

Hoss I'm gonna need a link

Mrs. Gravy said:

If I don't ask the question how am I supposed to learn the answer?
Who wants to guess all the time? Do any of you guys like having to guess what is going on in your beloveds' heads?
I will tell New what I want and see if he is on the same page or at least in the same book. If so, yay, if not...will likely have memories of a great 6 months.

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It's strange but I think my reply will actually be congruent for both you and Lindz. Asking is fine, it isn't about not letting you asking something it is totally about how you ask it.

In your particular case if it's Sunday morning and you just had great sex and your snuggling together and you guys are talking and you ask " Where do you see yourself in five years, where do you see us?" That's a great question and not a you better have the right answer. That is far different than someone feeling insecure about a relationship and your just about to go out and meet friends for dinner and you high beam him with " Where is our relationship headed."

Seems like often times in life it isn't what you are asking but how you ask it. By the way guys are just as guilty of this as well probably more so. I know I have been.

lindz

Two questions/statements:

I don't understand why you feel that way.

vs.

Why do you feel that way?


It's possible to take the first one as only a fucking moron would feel that way, explain it to me.

vs.

The second one seems more from a place of wanting to actually understand, what and why you are feeling.


You both know if you are asking this out of a sense of insecurity about your relationship vs coming from a place where you want to bring you and your partner closer together.
Try to make sure it is coming from the later.

Hoss said:

First off, it was a crazy theory to begin with. Unless what you mean is concentrating on a single woman and not cheating on her, it makes no sense. Good sex isn't going to sure autism. I mean, if you have to be a failure at something, kudos for failing at proving that theory.

Second, it's normal for your libido to ebb and flow. Feel free to get your testosterone checked, but if you haven't ever had it checked before, you won't know what's normal for you. The range that they call normal is ridiculously huge. Like 200 - 1000 if I remember correctly. Other's have said to work out more, and that can work, but look for any other sources of stress in your life. Maybe you're stressed that your theory was wrong. If that's it, deal with that.

Third, maybe you're just at a point when you need to 'spice things up'. Hopefully you have a girl who won't be offended by the idea. I don't know where you guys are at, but start experimenting with some weird shit.

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It's not that crazy of a theory. I think I have heard before that guys get distracted by sex about once every 6 seconds on average during the day. My theory was that if you really found a great way to scratch that itch that you would be more focused through your normal daily routine. It had nothing to do with being faithful or not cheating. I didn't think good sex would cure autism I thought it might help a little bit with adult adhd.

Mrs. Gravy said:

I am scared of attaching to him but don't think I am sabotaging. He is vastly different than any man I ever dated. I just don't know how to take him all the time as he is not overt and I have to interpret how he feels about me based on his actions which are sometimes subtle.

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Every other man you dated was pre-G though right? Kids act differently than old dudes.

Phazael said:

In my experience, women in general tend to have an inflated view of their self worth and this is especially true of Hispanic women.

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My wife is Irish. She has terrible self esteem

I blame it on weak ass men who have apparently taught them having a pussy makes them irreplacable.

And when you say, "well, thanks but bye" then she can't find a good man because they're all just assholes anyway.

"Women have an inflated view of their self worth"

Things men with low self esteem say.

Not really. If you've never met a dumb bitch who thinks her shit don't stink I've gotta say you haven't met enough women.

There's plenty of men like that too.

I blame it on the pussy, and weak boyfriends that will put up with it for just long enough to convince her that he's the one that changed.

Meeting women who are like that? Yes.

Pretending most women are like that? Sorry, no.

Khane only dates women that know what their pussy is worth. "sandwich artists"