Marriage and the Power of Divorce

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Brad2770

Brad2770

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I debated putting this in the parent thread or divorce thread, but since it involves my ex as well, I’ll place it here:

There are areas that I think my ex is lacking when it comes to managing my kid: How he treats friends and family and his schooling. Every time I suggest new ideas that I’m pretty certain will work, she says they won’t and doesn’t do anything with it.

Right now, his grades are slipping several B’s and no where near the straight A’s he used to be. She says it’s not an issue and just an adjustment to Jr. High. I disagree. The text messages below are an example of how things go any time I try to suggest new things-

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Any advice that will help me get results would be great.

My ex does not like when I’m right with him. Sometimes I think she would rather him not get a full dose of parenting than for me to be right about something that improves on what she is doing.
 
Daelos

Daelos

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If my ex told me how I should parent our kids when they are with me I would be a lot less polite than your ex.
 
Brad2770

Brad2770

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Daelos said:
If my ex told me how I should parent our kids when they are with me I would be a lot less polite than your ex.
Click to expand...

I’m willing to work with her, but what she is doing on her own (and with her husband) isn’t yielding the results that I expect. Just because she chose to not be with me doesn’t mean my expectations from my kid should be to only her standards.
 
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Brad2770

Brad2770

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Joint custody, no child support.

I get first, third and fifth weekends, but we don’t follow that. I get him pretty much any time I want.
 
Tarrant

Tarrant

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I dunno, you went from questions to demands and if my ex did that I’d just stop listening/reading at that point.

You sounded very condescending to me, and no matter if youre right or wrong it doesn’t help if benefit anyone involved to go down that road.

Adjusting to Jr High can be something sometimes, both my kids went though it and their next year they were better. Is that the case here, I dunno. But blowing her off and not expecting the same from her when you propose something (and go from 0 to 10 on the condescending scale in the blink of an eye) in return seems short sighted to me.
 
Brad2770

Brad2770

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Tarrant said:
I dunno, you went from questions to demands and if my ex did that I’d just stop listening/reading at that point.

You sounded very condescending to me, and no matter if youre right or wrong it doesn’t help if benefit anyone involved to go down that road.

Adjusting to Jr High can be something sometimes, both my kids went though it and their next year they were better. Is that the case here, I dunno. But blowing her off and not expecting the same from her when you propose something (and go from 0 to 10 on the condescending scale in the blink of an eye) in return seems short sighted to me.
Click to expand...

Well, every time something like this comes along, she pops out a:

“You’re not going to blame me if he fails history”
“ You’re not going to blame me if he loses [something I bought him].”
“You’re not going to blame me....” etc...

I get tired of hearing it and I was trying to prevent her from firing back with that shit now.

She calls for my help, or sends me texts of screenshots of his current grades, but when I state I’m unsatisfied and I would like to implement change (because obviously what is being done isn’t working) she gets defensive. I’m not going to sugar coat shit with her. I have made it clear that my main goal is make sure my kid has the things he needs to succeed. That doesn’t mean I need to tip toe around her delicate feelings.

I suppose the advice I’m receiving just won’t work with me with her. I do a lot for my kid and her daughter (they don’t have much money and I’m not going to do for my kid and leave their disabled daughter wishing she had special things of her own.) I feel I show her I respect her and her family, but I have no problem putting her down when I think she is fucking up.

And as a side note, Tarrant, are you still with hair dresser girl? I thought I read you guys were divorcing, but then I think I saw that you guys weren’t. Just curious.
 
Tarrant

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Brad2770 said:
Well, every time something like this comes along, she pops out a:

“You’re not going to blame me if he fails history”
“ You’re not going to blame me if he loses [something I bought him].”
“You’re not going to blame me....” etc...

I get tired of hearing it and I was trying to prevent her from firing back with that shit now.

She calls for my help, or sends me texts of screenshots of his current grades, but when I state I’m unsatisfied and I would like to implement change (because obviously what is being done isn’t working) she gets defensive. I’m not going to sugar coat shit with her. I have made it clear that my main goal is make sure my kid has the things he needs to succeed. That doesn’t mean I need to tip toe around her delicate feelings.

I suppose the advice I’m receiving just won’t work with me with her. I do a lot for my kid and her daughter (they don’t have much money and I’m not going to do for my kid and leave their disabled daughter wishing she had special things of her own.) I feel I show her I respect her and her family, but I have no problem putting her down when I think she is fucking up.

And as a side note, Tarrant, are you still with hair dresser girl? I thought I read you guys were divorcing, but then I think I saw that you guys weren’t. Just curious.
Click to expand...

"I’m not going to sugar coat shit with her. I have made it clear that my main goal is make sure my kid has the things he needs to succeed. That doesn’t mean I need to tip toe around her delicate feelings."

Yeah dude, thats exactly what you're going to have to do and thats exactly what you will have to do. How's your way working out for you? Since your posting about it here I'll go ahead and answer that for you.

Not well.

She lives with him the majority of the time, that means, sadly, it's her rules man. If you don't like that then prove somehow shes an unfit mother and take her to court but otherwise, swallow your pride and bring it down a notch or two because you'll never....ever, get a different reaction from her talking like that.

Thems the breaks. Don't like it, tough, swallow that too.

"but I have no problem putting her down when I think she is fucking up."

Yeah....that's....yeah.

Man, I'm just telling you that you're not, and you're never going to get the response you want from her, aside from her somehow changing everything about the person she is and bowing to your every wish and demand. That's not how things work though, its why you divorced. You dont agree on things and you don't get along. So mayhaps, just maybe...approach it from the side you don't want to and tip toe with her. If, in the end it helps your kid then whatever. Your pride is worth your kid, right?

Right?

"And as a side note, Tarrant, are you still with hair dresser girl? I thought I read you guys were divorcing, but then I think I saw that you guys weren’t. Just curious."

Naw, we split 3 years ago and officially divorced 2 years ago. I have custody of our now 8 year old and moved out of state, back home to Michigan.

EDIT: Also, my post is really blunt and sounds confrontational now that I reread it. Wasn't intended to be that way, the confrontational part I mean. Maybe another divorced dad can chime in and agree or disagree with me, I dunno. But I'm speaking from experience of a father that has custody of one kid and not of two others so I've done this on both sides, and still do weekly.
 
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Brad2770

Brad2770

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Tarrant said:
"I’m not going to sugar coat shit with her. I have made it clear that my main goal is make sure my kid has the things he needs to succeed. That doesn’t mean I need to tip toe around her delicate feelings."

Yeah dude, thats exactly what you're going to have to do and thats exactly what you will have to do. How's your way working out for you? Since your posting about it here I'll go ahead and answer that for you.

Not well.

She lives with him the majority of the time, that means, sadly, it's her rules man. If you don't like that then prove somehow shes an unfit mother and take her to court but otherwise, swallow your pride and bring it down a notch or two because you'll never....ever, get a different reaction from her talking like that.

Thems the breaks. Don't like it, tough, swallow that too.

"but I have no problem putting her down when I think she is fucking up."

Yeah....that's....yeah.

Man, I'm just telling you that you're not, and you're never going to get the response you want from her, aside from her somehow changing everything about the person she is and bowing to your every wish and demand. That's not how things work though, its why you divorced. You dont agree on things and you don't get along. So mayhaps, just maybe...approach it from the side you don't want to and tip toe with her. If, in the end it helps your kid then whatever. Your pride is worth your kid, right?

Right?

"And as a side note, Tarrant, are you still with hair dresser girl? I thought I read you guys were divorcing, but then I think I saw that you guys weren’t. Just curious."

Naw, we split 3 years ago and officially divorced 2 years ago. I have custody of our now 8 year old and moved out of state, back home to Michigan.

EDIT: Also, my post is really blunt and sounds confrontational now that I reread it. Wasn't intended to be that way, the confrontational part I mean. Maybe another divorced dad can chime in and agree or disagree with me, I dunno. But I'm speaking from experience of a father that has custody of one kid and not of two others so I've done this on both sides, and still do weekly.
Click to expand...

I like blunt. You’re good. I don’t take offense. I don’t like people that beat around the bush.

I may try it, but I have to hype myself up to it. I have a hard time faking nice. It has to be sincere and I know she will see right through it.
 
Brad2770

Brad2770

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These start up exactly where the above left off.
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And yes, I was being sarcastic.

The history incident went like this:

The kid doesn’t have a book that they follow; it’s an advanced class. They have a book they can check out, but none of the material was from that. She was supposed to receive a packet from the teacher via email to study for an upcoming test and the teacher didn’t send it out. I was talking to my son about this. I wasn’t aware that there was supposed to be a packet. I told my son to contact any student in his class that he could and see if they could study with him. I also told him to do what he could to get s copy of the book (maybe if another kid had a book checked out). She ended up calling me and said my requests were unrealistic and I asked her what she thought he should do, that he couldn’t just show up to school and not take the test. She said she would figure it out. Around 9:30, she calls me to tell me she got the study packet from the teacher. He wasn’t even scheduled to come to my house, it was a Thursday night.

As for math, I have no ducking clue about that. I’m good at math. No way I would have turned that down.

Anyways, I conceded. She knew I was full of shit.
 
Tarrant

Tarrant

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“Are you being sarcastic?”

You: Nope, not at all.

You’re gonna have to take a bit to reassure her on that stuff man, it took years to get where you are now, that doesn’t change with a single series of texts.
 
Khane

Khane

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Here's my hot take.

Why the fuck are you guys trying to have this conversation via text? Doesn't anyone pick up a goddamn phone anymore?
 
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Tarrant

Tarrant

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Because it’s easier to have a level headed conversation usually with an ex wife/husband that you don’t like, through text.
 
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Brad2770

Brad2770

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Plus, I like having shit I can throw back in her face when she is wrong, like this history and math stuff. She’ll be getting some screenshots later.
 
Tarrant

Tarrant

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Also, another good reason to keep things to texting in these sorts of situations is so you have proof of things should you have to go to court.
 
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Tarrant

Tarrant

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Why are you sighing at having proof of shitty things you can use in court?

Unless you’re the rare type that has a good relationship with your ex that you have kids with (my wife is one) then this is how things work unfortunately.
 
Brad2770

Brad2770

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The main reason her and I are having this disagreement is because I don’t think she is doing well with him and his schooling. I had to get it out of her, but she agreed he could do better. When I moved on that, she got defensive.

I’m not going to cave and it’s not my job anymore to make sure she goes to bed happy. If she got butt hurt because I told her the truth in a very blunt fashion, that’s on her. She knows how I am and still, after over 30 years of knowing me, still gets upset by it.

Other than that, we get along fine. She knows I’m reliable and I’ll always be there when she needs help financially. Hell, for anything really. Maybe that’s why she gets butthurt in this shit. I’m a pretty damned good ex husband.
 
D

Dunnhopen

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You come off as someone trying to manage from the outside, when really all she wants is for you to talk to him and stress how important it is to listen to her.

It is really fucking annoying when one side of the parents thinks that everything would be different and everything would be perfect if the kid was with them all the time and followed their rules. So then they start telling the other parent what their rules should be.

I deal with this shit more often then I care to, and when it comes down to it more often then not they want support, not direction.

If you want to give direction it requires being able to talk to them in a matter that is close to a relationship, which is why you are divorced. You can tell this because of the ammunition you choose to hold onto so you can throw it back in her face.

At some point it should become what is best for the kid and not about who has what say where. Also teenagers can be a PITA so having a united front helps too.

Edit*typo*
 
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