Update:
I now have a good job with good benefits with multiple down the road branching-advancement opportunities.
I'm needed and valued at work. There are times where i feel overqualified and times when i feel under but capable of getting there - which i feel is a good place/level to be at.
I've realized i still have more time to heal, that seven+ years of being belittled chipped away more than i expected and think that this job will give me positive exposure. Outlets.
It's also downtown, so on weeks i don't have child i could eventually explore and socialize and rebuild normal human traits.
Yet, Even though the off weeks are admittedly convenient and money-saving, it bothers me to high end that she's with him.
It's like she killed me, but some alternate universe me time traveled and warned me to get out, thus preventing the murder, but i know the murder happened and yet she has my child and any fucking day she could randomly off him too.
I remember when he was 3 and loved Curious George, fucking loved him, and she told him to hold an electric fence to see him. Oh his tears. I was mowing the lawn and he ran to me and wouldn't let go and fell asleep in my arms at like 4 p.m. and slept the whole night. No remorse. "He had to learn sometime." Were her exact words. Thinking about that bullshit spawned this post infact.
These are his formative years. I should be there always. Fuck he should have two parents. But fuck her. She's not a parent. She's a gd monster. The mother from Hill House.
There is no "forgiving" and moving on like it didn't happen because there is zero, zero, evidence that she has learned anything, that she has adjusted her behavior. And even if she did have moments that seem that way, this is a degenerative medical condition that will only get worse.
But there's nothing i can do in the immediate.
My plan is to make every moment count when i have him, to have that routine, those morals, that figurehead. And get well and advance. And in like 5 years be padded enough to refile for custody.
I just can't think of the bad what ifs. Situation is fucked, don't get caught in that trap but instead blind myself and grind.
Right?