Marriage and the Power of Divorce

At the end of the day, it sucks she has those mental issues, but it isn't YOUR responsibility to "fix" her/those issues. Move on, man. Negotiated desire is just obligated compliance - every. single. time. She has to WANT to get better, to seek mental help, etc. It sounds like she's just laying around all day, maybe doing the dishes here and there, maybe not. At this point, Aazrael , you're just enabling her behavior by continuing to support it.

Get out, man. You have a good job, sounds like you're paid well, get a doggo or two, and play vidya with the boys for a while. You'll have no problem finding a broad in today's sexual marketplace when you're ready.

Kirun said:

At the end of the day, it sucks she has those mental issues, but it isn't YOUR responsibility to "fix" her/those issues. Move on, man. Negotiated desire is just obligated compliance - every. single. time. She has to WANT to get better, to seek mental help, etc. It sounds like she's just laying around all day, maybe doing the dishes here and there, maybe not. At this point, Aazrael , you're just enabling her behavior by continuing to support it.

Get out, man. You have a good job, sounds like you're paid well, get a doggo or two, and play vidya with the boys for a while. You'll have no problem finding a broad in today's sexual marketplace when you're ready.

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I guess it's kinda normal to want things to stay the same, even if it's not that good.

But we will see when she talks to me again, I'm not wasting energy on her trying to cross examine her. Best thing would be I come home from work monday and she's gone, just the cats left and all my stuff. The good thing is she did mentioned she knows I basically bought everything so I hope she wont fight for shit I'm still paying for, then its the issue to write over the house to me, wich might complicate things, its a cheap house though so hopefully will work out.

She is like Peggy Bundy right now and still I was at fault for not helping. My childhood comes full circle with that show minus the kids.

But you are all right, it's not a good spot to be in, it's just rough when it's you yourself in it.

Aazrael said:

I guess it's kinda normal to want things to stay the same, even if it's not that good.

But we will see when she talks to me again, I'm not wasting energy on her trying to cross examine her. Best thing would be I come home from work monday and she's gone, just the cats left and all my stuff. The good thing is she did mentioned she knows I basically bought everything so I hope she wont fight for shit I'm still paying for, then its the issue to write over the house to me, wich might complicate things, its a cheap house though so hopefully will work out.

She is like Peggy Bundy right now and still I was at fault for not helping. My childhood comes full circle with that show minus the kids.

But you are all right, it's not a good spot to be in, it's just rough when it's you yourself in it.

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You're suffering from a sunken cost fallacy right now, brother. It'll be ok. As a dude who has been through numerous long-term relationships, the ONLY thing you ever miss about past relationships is the sex (and even then, only if they were good at it).

Kirun said:

You're suffering from a sunken cost fallacy right now, brother. It'll be ok. As a dude who has been through numerous long-term relationships, the ONLY thing you ever miss about past relationships is the sex (and even then, only if they were good at it).

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Yea I have slowly accepted that her moving out is the best for both of us. Does not make me less sad though. I know I'll be fine living here alone, I did it for 34 years before with no issues, but I'm bad at changes. Once it's over it will be fine. But until she has left it will feel tough.

Sounds a lot like Depression without any motivation to change things and no appreciation for the things you did for her.
Get out and enjoy single life for a bit. Then find a strong viking woman and pillage the English coast.

Ridas said:

Sounds a lot like Depression without any motivation to change things and no appreciation for the things you did for her.
Get out and enjoy single life for a bit. Then find a strong viking woman and pillage the English coast.

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Looking at the signs for depression she pretty much ticks all of them. As mentioned earlier I have never really associated with people with mental issues as my family has been spared from that stuff. And as such I don't really know how to help. I might as well have making it worse without knowing, but I can't really help with what I don't know so I'm not blaming myself for that. She should have communicated or included me in her plan to get better.

Nothing lasts forever and I'm glad we don't have to mess up kids with a split, so there's a silver lining there.

Next time, if there is one. I won't turn a blind eye on warning signs just to find someone to be with, but I was really happy when I met her and we have had a good numbers of years together doing fun and exciting stuff. it started getting slightly worse when she stopped working and the last 6 months has been slowly declining.

One thing I knew from the start was that she needed something new and exciting to happen regularly, like getting a Cat, then after a while that was not enough and she started looking at the next thing to buy/adopt. Then she gets "overwhelmed" with taking too much time to care for them and she puts them up for adoption. We've had many animals in the house and everything besides the cats and dogs are gone now. With her economy in ruin she can't get stuff now and I can't pay for her luxuary items as I got a household to keep running. And it's like now that she can't get the next thing for her rush it's over and she needs to flee.

I'm no saint with my money, I buy shit all the time but I tend to use them untill they fall apart, and mostly buy tech stuff and not animals that need tending and caring for. Even if I love animals there can be a thing of too many to feed and keep up with.

Sorry for oversharing on a nerd forum but I feel better for venting it. Will have a conversation with the family when she's gone to talk it out there as well.

And I don't want to paint her as some insane person using me for my money. She has paid her part of the living cost for at least 6 years, it's the last few months that has gone bad.

She is the old MMO that you have leveled on. No new experience, no new kinky levels. No new moves.

Cancel your subscription. Go find a new MMO to play with and level there.
The graphics will be better.
The systems will be fresh and new with fresh problems and solutions.
Don't worry about the new pvp flagging system, that will get patched out as you level.

Have Fun! The first few weeks are the best.

been thinking about it, 5 of my friends married chicks with mental health issues. only 1 is still going 14 years later. she had major depression and took years to find right meds and stuff to help her. another lasted 10, don't know what the issues were between them, but she was bipolar and it kept getting worse, till they broke up and she remarried. one guy, i lost track of after they got married, but apparently his wife had to spend time at a mental place and he worked for years to try to get it to work, but she still ended up taking his house.

Tarrant said:

I’m curious what she’s telling her mom.

“Yeah, he’s supported me for three years while I’ve been trying to figure out my mental health…he buys everything, supports me in every way while I do nothing but sit at home contributing zero financially and doing zero to maintain the house. I keep running up debts while having zero way to pay for any of them personally and I’ve taken full advantage of the free ride while he’s been supportive and worked 6 days a week to support both of us.

I need out, it’s awful, can I move back home with you?”

If any of my kids came to me with that I’d just laugh and tell them to get into therapy and get a job.

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To simp a bit, the little I caught she was not blaming me for anything, she felt bad for me for having to support her and such. But also mentioned she felt stuck now due to that, and yea she can't buy anything now as her money will mostly cover food and phone bills.

Not sure why she thinks it will be better for her to live alone, sure as single she will keep a little more but renting a place is much more expensive than living in this house that's free of charge.

Her mind isn't in the right place and probably is making really weird rationalizations.

But until she talks to me directly and explain I can only guess. I'm fine with her not liking me anymore and even if she has found someone else that can be a better support for her. But I don't think that's the case at all.

Tldr: don't think the mother knows exactly why she want out but mothers tend to want to protect their kids.

Goatface said:

been thinking about it, 5 of my friends married chicks with mental health issues. only 1 is still going 14 years later. she had major depression and took years to find right meds and stuff to help her. another lasted 10, don't know what the issues were between them, but she was bipolar and it kept getting worse, till they broke up and she remarried. one guy, i lost track of after they got married, but apparently his wife had to spend time at a mental place and he worked for years to try to get it to work, but she still ended up taking his house.

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Yea in this case she is still not set on medication 100%, also hasn't had the help she needed from the superior Swedish free health care. Mostly due to the pandemic having flooded them with too many young people with problems.

I can agree that the diagnosis is handed out really easy nowadays, or a generation is fucked and everyone got it. But there is other issues on top of it. They have not really been noticeable until this year.

If it's the medical systems fault or not I do not know, she might just not do the things she's supposed to do to get better. But I have no idea how it all works

BrutulTM said:

She certainly seems to be very depressed which is hardly unusual during this time. The whole covid thing has been really hard for a lot of people. I would take what you read here with a grain of salt. It's easy for a stranger to read one paragraph you wrote about the situation and give you a solution, but only you actually know her and what the pros can cons of having her in your life are. Depression can be overcome, if the person is willing to work at it. Maybe her moving out will give both of you a chance to reevaluate, but it's not easy to find someone you can get along with, especially as you get older, and you don't want to throw that away. You don't want to chain yourself to a life of misery either of course. Sure there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they are all fucked up and broken too, and it takes years to see that in a lot of them. Going back to square 1 could be the right answer, but I wouldn't do it casually.

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No I'm not rushing anything. There's a lot of black and white solutions but we will see what happens once she brings it up proper.

I know why I don't kick her out and that's due to her making me feel happy. Many might think I'm stupid but those are my feelings even if she has fucked up stuff. Could it be better, sure. Was hearing she want leave heartbreaking, sure.

Either she leaves and I cry for a few days and feel like shit then life goes on and I'll be in a better spot money wise and free of any "chains".

Or she stays and we solve our problems and everything ends with love and happiness. This one could turn ugly and it just stays the same or slowly get worse.

The first alternative is probably the sane thing to do but as I said I want a proper discussion about everything.

I offered her briefly to stay at her mom's for a while but not sure if that will help anything, maybe just prolong the suffering.

And to add I know some of background of her feeling "stuck". We live in a small town outside a small city in the north of Sweden. Short summers and long Winters. I know she wants to move south eventually and I got nothing keeping me here besides my job.

I saw that as something to plan around, she get a nurse job easily and I'll find something as well near a bigger city.

Now she have to wait 5 years at least for her debt to clear and she panics that she's stuck here. I did not see us going before that anyway but she is impulsive while I'm the opposite.

I'm just speculating but it might have contributed to the stress.