Marriage and the Power of Divorce
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Kirun
Buzzfeed Editor
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Rest assured, if I ever make the decision to finally have children, there's 0 chance I'd hire an aupair to tri-parent with us.
You don't have a family member who can pick them up? A Grandma? Grandpa? Aunt? Uncle? Some rando from the Netherlands is your only option to play with little Timmy after school?
Cad
scientia potentia est
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So, no wife, no children, but you're giving us advice on how to handle that situation?
Cool.
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Khane
Got something right about marriage
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This conversation is pretty much always the same, but its also always interesting reading the varying opinions.
I wonder what the statistics are for people in this country who stayed in their hometowns and have extended family that are both willing and able to provide free childcare at the pleasure of newer parents.
I wonder what the statistics are for people in this country who stayed in their hometowns and have extended family that are both willing and able to provide free childcare at the pleasure of newer parents.
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OU Ariakas
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Let me tell you the reason that most men our age (40ish) do not have wives that stay at home or in-laws to pick up the kids; because we were the first generation that had schools/parents/media telling girls all goddamn day every day that they were going to work for a living. We were also the first generation that "benefitted" from elderly people either living on their own or in retirement homes. So when we all got out in the world at the end of the 90's we moved away from our family and everyone got jobs or went to college and then got jobs. Fast forward to the part where we both have jobs, have put down roots in a town far away from our parents, and then decide to start a family. Most women of our generation do not want to give up their career because they were brainwashed from birth that it was normal and that co-parenting plus childcare means no change in their lives!
Well, now we arrive at the place where you have kids but no family around and another person who will fight for their career as hard as you do; what you do is fucking compromise and then make sure to teach your kids to style their adults lives around being a one income family that lives near extended family so that they can do better for their kids.
You know, they always say that parents want their kids to be better off and that it is the sign that you did a good job. Growing up everyone always assumed that it meant money wise; make more and live better and your kids are better off. We are the generation that gets to tell our kids that better off REALLY means living within your means and around the people that truly care about you so that your life isn't meaningless consumption of frivolity until you die.
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OU Ariakas
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I didn't see this before I started typing my response, but I always considered those people losers. What a fucking idiot I was. Those people live their lives closer to what makes human beings content and I bet they are more well adjusted for it.
Cad
scientia potentia est
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My parents, my wife's parents, my brother and 2 of my wife's siblings all live within 30 minutes of us, and they have participated with our kids (and us with our nieces/nephews) quite a bit. My youngest goes to golf lessons with his cousins every sunday. My oldest has taken all the young cousins to the park and run them to death "teaching them soccer". We have sundays at grandmas house with 10+ grandkids there.
There's a big difference between grandma wanting to be an on-call full time nanny and grandma being grandma, even Asian grandmas.
Cad
scientia potentia est
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Kinda depends what your hometown is. If it's a really small town with little opportunities, they might be losers (or we might say, they're making a choice to sacrifice income for family coherence). Sometimes your whole family is from a big city and your hometown is great...
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White collar jobs often do have the latitude for things like that, and probably some even lower paying work at home jobs do too.
We work from home. My coworkers with kids often peace out for an hour in the morning and in the afternoon to pick up / drop off their kids. We talk to our supervisor maybe once a month. If you’re getting your work done, you’re really free to do WTF ever, within reason. They do have hours we’re supposed to be available or have our work phone on us. Obviously if you’re doing a job that requires you to be at an office or on site somewhere this is difficult.
Women get six months of paid time off for having a kid, men get two months (that’s raciss!)
Still yet as mentioned two people in my group have au pairs even when I know they work from home, so I’m kinda curious about it but I don’t know them well enough to ask the logistics of it.
My assumption is simply they can afford it and it makes life more relaxing for them.
We work from home. My coworkers with kids often peace out for an hour in the morning and in the afternoon to pick up / drop off their kids. We talk to our supervisor maybe once a month. If you’re getting your work done, you’re really free to do WTF ever, within reason. They do have hours we’re supposed to be available or have our work phone on us. Obviously if you’re doing a job that requires you to be at an office or on site somewhere this is difficult.
Women get six months of paid time off for having a kid, men get two months (that’s raciss!)
Still yet as mentioned two people in my group have au pairs even when I know they work from home, so I’m kinda curious about it but I don’t know them well enough to ask the logistics of it.
My assumption is simply they can afford it and it makes life more relaxing for them.
Khane
Got something right about marriage
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Well if the kids aren't in school yet it's kind of hard to actually get any work done without them having some, other form of childcare (either daycare or an au pair or whatever).
The world is definitely changing and at a rapid pace. COVID really changed the landscape of the workforce, forever. But if you're a working parent you're a working parent. Whether your at an office or at home.
The world is definitely changing and at a rapid pace. COVID really changed the landscape of the workforce, forever. But if you're a working parent you're a working parent. Whether your at an office or at home.
Kirun
Buzzfeed Editor
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LOL this old, tired rebuttal? Ok, from now on you can't weigh in on anything that doesn't relate to law or parenting, deal? What a fun board this will be!
Also, I wasn't offering "advice". I stated initially that I was genuinely curious why people feel that tri-parenting with aupairs is necessary, especially someone like yourself who has the means for their wife to not work. I see things a different way and was questioning why other people didn't. You know, having a discussion?
But I guess you have to be "qualified" for that now. How many kids do I need to get my parenting certification that qualifies me to discuss this topic? 1? 2? 10? How many wives? Should I have been divorced at least once? This is going to get complicated...
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Oh boy do I know it from the amount of my coworkers who bitch about it.
One guy works in a garage. I know a guy who took out a half bath in his house to turn it into an office to escape his kids. Others secretly kept going to the office during COVID even though we were told not to work there.
Some of my coworkers with kids obviously aren’t doing shit because they just can’t handle work and kids at the same time, which is totally understandable.
It’s gonna be interesting with permanent WFH for many how the future of childcare works, because the obvious truth is if it’s you and the wife at home with three young kids, someone ain’t working. Single parent at home with kids trying to work? Sheeeeeeeit
The_Black_Log Foler
PalsCo CEO - Stock Pals | Pantheon Pals
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Kirun I hate to play the devils advocate here but you’re dating someone who wouldn’t marry or have kids with. Do you genuinely care about “traditional” family and being an advocate for it?
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Related:
One of the worst / most unprofessional arguments I’ve ever seen pop up at work was two people without kids telling two people with kids about how to raise kids.
Ooh boy. There was apologies aplenty later that day.
One of the worst / most unprofessional arguments I’ve ever seen pop up at work was two people without kids telling two people with kids about how to raise kids.
Ooh boy. There was apologies aplenty later that day.
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Cad
scientia potentia est
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I'm genuinely curious why you keep slamming your cock in a car door. Thats about as honest as your constant "tri parenting" schtick. If you can't discuss without using loaded terms, with it being blazingly obvious the agenda you want to push, there's no discussion. Nobody is "tri parenting" with an aupair, which if you've ever had one, you'd know. But you don't know, because you've never had one, nor a child. So you don't know what it's like to parent, much less parent with an aupair in the house.
You also apparently have no idea what it means to have an equal relationship with a woman who has her own mind, own wants and needs, and doesn't want to stay home any more than I do. I can't teach you those things, you're just going to have to go experience them.
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The_Black_Log Foler
PalsCo CEO - Stock Pals | Pantheon Pals
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Equal relationship with a woman…. I could go off on a derail asking whether or not you guys thought women need “mens guidance” in a marriage. My thoughts in “marriage theory” regarding this has changed over the past two years. Kirun is keeping y’all busy today so I’ll table this discussion for another day…
Kithani
Blackwing Lair Raider
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I guess I'm curious what you think is so terrible about nannies or au pairs? I had nannies growing up as both of my parents worked until 4-5pm. A lot of my friends did too, but at the same time some of their moms were trophy wives so they picked us all up from school some and took us to soccer/baseball practice etc. Dad still coached our baseball team and mom still did a lot of mom things...
I think she worked part time until we were in school but I don't remember because... I was fucking 3. Mom then spent the next 25 years making low-mid six figures which probably did more for our family than her staying at home would have done. Were you expecting me to be neglected or have some sort of terrible childhood based on that?
Cad
scientia potentia est
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A good relationship is a give and take. There are things she is better than me at and more reasonable about, and there's things I am. We push and pull each other in various directions, and we find the middle that works for us. Anybody who thinks their wife needs their "guidance" and they have to "control" her is either going to have a serious surprise when she dumps your ass or you married a toddler.
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Kirun
Buzzfeed Editor
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I'd 100% have children with my current GF. She's literally a professor of HDFS. If you could order a mom out of a catalogue, she'd be one of your top choices. We even froze embryos because she wanted/wants them and I'm still about 90% sure I don't. But, we did a "just in case" for that remaining 10%.
The issue on children lies with me. I'm not bringing a child into 2022 America. I will 100% end up dead or in jail with the current state of schools, politics, etc. and that isn't fair to put on a child who never asked to be brought into the world.
My girlfriend is a workaholic, so I get it. Why not make use of family instead of using the aupair?
What is terrible about introducing your children to random people that they build familiarity with for X period of time, until they quit, get fired, their visa expires, etc.? Gee...I wonder why family might be better suited for that job...