Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Leadsalad_sl said:

Most of them have rape fantasies as well, women are fucked up creatures

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And it works out perfectly that they're fucked up because as it turns out, we have pretty fucked up wants and needs that they are willing to fulfill.

I think both should be expected to take control from time to time. If any one person is doing 100% of the initiating, that would indicate a problem to me.

I am really just hoping things get better with time with me. I know things are hard for my wife right now and I try to understand. Once our kids get in school and she has more freedom to do something other than just be a mom 24/7 I think that will help her depression/anxiety. It is all part of a lot of larger issues. I'm trying to figure out a way to afford child care for at least one of my kids starting in the fall, which is when my oldest starts kindergarten. Then I think she will have a lot more options which should take some of the weight off of her, which should hopefully lead to less medications and more sex for me.

There are some in this thread that have mentioned high sex drive and I think that matters a lot. Some people confuse sex drive with 'we did it a lot before we were married' and I don't think that's the same thing. Most of the time your having sex more often early on because it's new, fresh, etc. then you just settle into a routine. That's another key word, settle. I think many people do that, especially after kids , and then the next thing you know your wondering why your only getting it once a month.

Yeah, I definitely realize that I have a higher sex drive than is probably even reasonable. If I had my way I'd have sex 1-2 times per day, but of course even if she was into it there just isn't enough time for all of that. It would be totally unreasonable for me or anyone to expect that to last forever. But once a month is kind of beyond the line, imo. I guess it differs for everyone, but to me anything less than 1-2 times per week is a sign of a serious issue in the relationship. I'd bet I'm just as busy as the busiest person here, and even I can find enough time for that.

If I had it my way, my day would be interspersed with bouts of sex and video game playing while drinking Code Red.. but, for whatever reason it never works out.

Leadsalad_sl said:

Jfc. I sent this to Elurin but I'm sure he never even read it.Married Life - Married Man Sex Life Forum

A lot of you guys should start reading this, this thread has become truly soul crushing.

And yes, the vast majority of the time Noodle, you're just supposed to lead and that includes just sticking it in her mouth no questions asked. Women get turned on by being lead in the interaction. If you ask the woman to initiate sex, it's going to drop off in quality and quantity.

You're a man, you're supposed to take what you want, not ask. It turns the woman off to have to lead. Most of them have rape fantasies as well, women are fucked up creatures.

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I'll look at the forum and I generally agree with the man taking charge, they mention that a lot in a book I'm reading "Way of the superior man". That said you can tell when she's not into it which kills everything. Going through the motions is not helpful in the long run. There is also a difference between asking her to take the lead regularly and asking for it once in a while. In my case I bought my wife 2 pairs of pajamas from Victoria Secrets last Christmas (2012). One was attractive but comfortable, full length and not revealing. She wears those a lot. The other was a cute little spaghetti strap teddy. I specifically said her job was to pick one day, any day, and wear it for me as a surprise. Hasn't happened and it's over a year now.

And that's just sex. I tell her she looks good all the time, or at least used to up til a few months ago. I get way more compliments from female friends than from my wife.

I was talking about this with an ex-girlfriend of mine that I'm still close with. She's newly married and pregnant with her first so she's in a different situation than us but it was helpful to get her advice. Anyway one thing she said really hit home with me when I said I was considering divorce or separation: If it happens, maybe she (my wife) will meet someone who brings out that desire in her again.

Dashel_sl said:

If it happens, maybe she (my wife) will meet someone who brings out that desire in her again.

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There is no maybe. It will definitely happen. Your wife hasn't just turned off the part of her brain that desires sex. But that isn't necessarily your fault, I mean it's not ALL her fault either most likely but you have to know that attention from other men that aren't you (if you guys get divorced) is going to excite her. Just like attention from women who aren't your wife (if you get divorced) is going to excite you.

On a different note a friend of mine in a normal, loving marriage was in a similar situation when they decided they wanted to move. They had to live apart for almost a year because of job logistics and during that time they started having sex every time they got the chance to see each other again which was usually once a week (they still lived in the same state). That probably wouldn't have occurred if they were still living together.

Well, I unintentionally began a porn and masturbation free brain reboot yesterday. I'll keep updating this post with progress or lack there of. Anything is better than my current sex life. I also emailed my wife a few links from that pornfreebrain whatever link from a few posts ago.

Let's see how this works out.

I had a similar problem when we first started dating. I had been without a woman for about 7 years as well and my brain was wired to porn. I had a lot of trouble ejaculating by my then girlfriend (now wife) - we had like 3 hour sex sessions before I would. After a month or so I was like a goddamn champ, I could basically cum on command. I stopped watching porn and stopped jerking off and it was great. Now I watch it in between sex days and it's good.

Hopefully it works out for you.

Noodleface_sl said:

If I had it my way, my day would be interspersed with bouts of sex and video game playing while drinking Code Red.. but, for whatever reason it never works out.

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See that is my life (minus the code red). You just need to marry a hot gamer girl and that is totally a reality.

She is! The problem is she's working a terrible job now and always comes home late and falls asleep early. One day... one day...

When you have kids, I also think it is super important to make time for each other. Sex can get old if you just do it before bed. You're both tired, one may not be totally in the mood, etc. I've said it in here before (or maybe in the parent thread) but we have made it a point to incorporate "alone time" into our routine. The kids know not to bug us and we have sex whenever we want. My 6 year old has picked up on what it is (not the actual mechanics of sex, but knows we're having sex, thanks Sims woohooing) , but has no reaction to it because it is normal in our house.

lindz_sl said:

When you have kids, I also think it is super important to make time for each other. Sex can get old if you just do it before bed. You're both tired, one may not be totally in the mood, etc. I've said it in here before (or maybe in the parent thread) but we have made it a point to incorporate "alone time" into our routine. The kids know not to bug us and we have sex whenever we want. My 6 year old has picked up on what it is (not the actual mechanics of sex, but knows we're having sex, thanks Sims woohooing) , but has no reaction to it because it is normal in our house.

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See, that is one thing me and my wife cannot get with. My daughter is the same age (6), but it is not something we can do that we go in the bedroom and close the door while she is in the other room watching cartoons or playing with her toys. First of all it's incredibly distracting knowing she's basically 10-15 feet away, even if she knows not to come in. Second, my wife, while not a screamer, does make noise and it's definitely some that can be heard so she'll start getting self conscious about that .

Now, all that being said, we do try to take opportunity when we can, either when she's asleep, outside playing, etc. as she gets older these opportunities increase. The other thing about all this is although we enjoy sex, it doesn't define us or our marriage. We are not reliant on it . Sure we don't do it every day, but there are other thing we enjoy just as much, whether that's cuddling , talking, etc. it makes the times when it does happen that much better.

For anyone that has been through one, or maybe knows a bunch of people that have, are there any kinds of preparations to make prior to bringing up the subject of divorce? Things like getting financial documents in order.

I'm going to have a conversation with the wife soon regarding our marriage, and if it does end up going that direction, I'd like to be ready prior.

Then dig a hole behind the vacant row house and use a natural landmark so you can remember where you buried all your money so she can't take it.

You probably don't need anything if you're just going to have a conversation with your wife, that other stuff is later - and having that stuff handy is probably going to tell your wife you've already made up your mind.

I would just sit down with her and raise your concerns and see what happens. I've been married 4 months so take my advice sparingly.

Noodleface_sl said:

You probably don't need anything if you're just going to have a conversation with your wife, that other stuff is later

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I like yah kid, I really do. Seriously no woman has ever had "just a conversation" with her man. I just got done talking to my girl last night about her finances, I finally sat her done and showed her everything thats fucked and what needs to be done. This is after convincing her that I'm not looking for an excuse to break up with her, yes I feel like we could make a life together, and no again, I swear to christ on a fucking Townhouse cracker Im not looking for an excuse to ditch you. Sorry, had a flashback....

I mainly blame her mother for her paranoid delusions about me breaking up randomly. From the pieces I could gather apparently her dad left for another woman just out of the blue. He stays in contact with his daughter, pays child support on time all the time. I think it broke her mom though. So lucky me I get to deal with her crazy ass.

Sorry just needed to vent, after pissing and moaning in the depression thread i decided to man up and deal with shit. I love this girl but her money situation is bullshit. After driving through her head why bounce fees ARE NOT A GOD DAMN SAFETY NET!!!11OneEleven!! We seemed to really make some headway.
All seriousness though, good luck with the chat bro, but be prepared. Just don't let her know your prepared unless it goes shitty.