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Guest, it's time once again for the massively important and exciting FoH Asshat Tournament!
Go here and give us your nominations!Who's been the biggest Asshat in the last year? Give us your worst ones!
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I have step children, too. Please, do humanity a favour, and never put yourself in charge of any decision of any weight regarding your step children. Please defer to their mother. Or a random stranger on the street. Or anyone beside you.
Hoss
Make America's Team Great Again
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YWCA swim instructor pushed me in, is that close enough for whatever point you wanted to make?
Glad I asked this in the grown up section and got reasoned, level-headed responses. Ya know, instead of just people wanting to flame.
So since nothing else is going on in this thread, anyone wanna take a stab at explaining why it's such an unthinkable thought?
Hoss
Make America's Team Great Again
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I thought about that part of it too, and there is practically no way I'm going to be there while she takes the test. In fact, I was wondering how long it would be before she even told anyone if it came out positive. That's where, in my opinion, it would start to get mean.
Eomer
Trakanon Raider
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Because she's not your child, you have only been involved in her life for the past several years, and her own mother has told you that she wants no part of it and feels that it's "mean".
chaos
Buzzfeed Editor
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It's funny, but that doesn't mean it is good parenting. You are supposed to be building trust with them, especially a step child. Crossing your wife to do some stupid shit like this will not only impact your relationship with the child, but with your wife. Or could. idk. I mean, what is the end game? And what if she really is pregnant? Joke's not so fucking funny then.
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Yeah. That. Holy bloody shitstorm of "what a fucking crap job of parenting I just did" should follow you around at that point...
Xarpolis
Life's a Dream
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Yeah, you're kind of in a rough situation due to the fact that she is NOT your daughter. You can assist with guidance, but any real decision making falls on her mothers shoulders. Has the daughter spoken to you at all about any of the pregnancy test stuff or are you only hearing about it via your wife? If that's the case, stay out 100%. You will put a wedge between the daughter's trust in her mother if she knows that you're aware of what the two of them speak about. That's not a good place to be, and it'll only spell disaster for you.
Maybe you could coyly talk about a guy at work who's daughter just got pregnant while in college and she's fucked now. Has to drop out to care for the kid and how it's causing a lot of stress to the parents because the baby's father wants her to have an abortion and she doesn't want to. It's a lie, but it's a possible way to get involved. But at the same time, might be best ignoring it completely unless it's brought to your attention by the daughter herself.
Maybe you could coyly talk about a guy at work who's daughter just got pregnant while in college and she's fucked now. Has to drop out to care for the kid and how it's causing a lot of stress to the parents because the baby's father wants her to have an abortion and she doesn't want to. It's a lie, but it's a possible way to get involved. But at the same time, might be best ignoring it completely unless it's brought to your attention by the daughter herself.
Interesting question I have always wanted to ask, seems like the right time and place.
When does a step kid become your kid? When do you stop doing the hands off?
If the kid was five when you married and is now 11 does that mean you get to parent now? Because over half the time you have been there? Do you count dating time? Only engaged or higher time?
What about if you adopt the step kid?
Most of the time growing up and still today I see the families that don't allow a step parent to make actual meaningful decisions as highly broken. That person is just the person your parent fucks. Turns a lot of kids into mean little jerks. The actual parent just sits back and encourages the behavior until the step parent snaps and then gets offended when it happens. I just don't get it. I am not a child of divorce but my wife is and she hates it when families do that.
When does a step kid become your kid? When do you stop doing the hands off?
If the kid was five when you married and is now 11 does that mean you get to parent now? Because over half the time you have been there? Do you count dating time? Only engaged or higher time?
What about if you adopt the step kid?
Most of the time growing up and still today I see the families that don't allow a step parent to make actual meaningful decisions as highly broken. That person is just the person your parent fucks. Turns a lot of kids into mean little jerks. The actual parent just sits back and encourages the behavior until the step parent snaps and then gets offended when it happens. I just don't get it. I am not a child of divorce but my wife is and she hates it when families do that.
Joeboo
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Since we are mostly talking about us guys here as stepdads, I'd say a lot of it depends on the birth dad. How much is he still in the picture, does he have partial custody? Is he very involved in the kids life? I wouldn't want to ever be on the end of seeing my kid calling my ex-wifes new husband "dad" and listening to his parenting moreso than my own, but I also wouldn't want to be on the flip side and try to push a guy out of the picture who really wants to be a big part of his sons life.
So I guess, if the birthdad is a loser and not really in the picture, step right in ASAP and parent away. If the birth dad is ultimately a good dude and wants to be a big part of his kids life, step back a little and don't interfere with that. Always think about if you were in that guys situation. I'm sure your now wife/his ex-wife left him for a reason and probably has a lot of stories she could tell you about how he was a dick to her, but regardless of how their relationship is or isn't, if he's making an effort with the kid, let him do so, it might be all he has left.
So I guess, if the birthdad is a loser and not really in the picture, step right in ASAP and parent away. If the birth dad is ultimately a good dude and wants to be a big part of his kids life, step back a little and don't interfere with that. Always think about if you were in that guys situation. I'm sure your now wife/his ex-wife left him for a reason and probably has a lot of stories she could tell you about how he was a dick to her, but regardless of how their relationship is or isn't, if he's making an effort with the kid, let him do so, it might be all he has left.
But you left (in this scenario) so don't you kind of give up a large chunk of those rights? I guess that isn't always the case. Sometimes she leaves and due to our stupid legal system the woman gets custody 99 times out of 90 (yes I know what I did there).
Joeboo
Molten Core Raider
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Some guys do leave the family as a whole(wife and kids) and want little to nothing to do with any of them, but I think the more common scenario is that the guy just can't live with the wife anymore, but still has a strong connection to his kids. I would think that the majority of divorces are primarily just due to spousal relations, rather than wanting to separate from the entire family if kids are involved.
But hell, I'm just speculating really. I grew up in a 2-parent household(even though my parents later divorced when I was an adult), and I'm still on marraige #1 myself(and plan on keeping it that way) so its not like I have first-hand knowledge of any of those types of situations. I'm mainly jsut trying to apply some logic and reason as to what I would hope would happen if I were put in that scenario.
But hell, I'm just speculating really. I grew up in a 2-parent household(even though my parents later divorced when I was an adult), and I'm still on marraige #1 myself(and plan on keeping it that way) so its not like I have first-hand knowledge of any of those types of situations. I'm mainly jsut trying to apply some logic and reason as to what I would hope would happen if I were put in that scenario.
iannis
Musty Nester
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Yeah, that's fucked up hoss. Don't do that.
It's funny in a sitcom. IRL not so funny.
It's better to have a real test and a very serious, "If you lucked out and it's negs, YOU GOT FUCKING LUCKY" lecture. Don't even call it a talk. Just fucking yell at her and hope it's just a scare.
It's funny in a sitcom. IRL not so funny.
It's better to have a real test and a very serious, "If you lucked out and it's negs, YOU GOT FUCKING LUCKY" lecture. Don't even call it a talk. Just fucking yell at her and hope it's just a scare.
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My step kids' dad is dead. I've known them their whole lives, and have always been very close with them. The moment we made the decision to marry and live together, they accepted me as a dad, though they still call me by my first name. Everything just worked right for that transition, and they accept discipline or any parenting from me just as they do from their mother.
I guess the real issue is I wouldn't remarry someone that I wouldn't expect and trust to be their only parent. If I am going to marry my kids are getting an actual worthwhile second parent and not just my sex bot.
Gavinmad
Mr. Poopybutthole
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If you knew for a fact she wasn't pregnant, I'd say go for it regardless of whether or not she's only been your stepkid for 4 years. The problem comes when you're like 'HAHA JOKES ON YOU GET A JOB HIPPY' and then she turns out to actually be pregnant and you've torpedoed that relationship for life.
Hoss
Make America's Team Great Again
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No, I don't know if she's trying to keep it from me, or if she knows that her mom tells me. She asked her mom for condoms a while back, which I had to go buy. Tried to sneak them into the cart while she was at the store with me (she's usually not that observant), but she busted me. She asked me why we still used condoms and I asked "Do you really want to know?", and she didn't (yes we do still use them, and while I'm sure you perverts wanna know what for, I'm not telling in this thread). I'm generally happy pretending she's not fornicating at all and just wants the condoms and pregnancy test for a science experiment.
But that's a good idea about the cow-orker story. I may see if I can work that in.
For me it was the first time she introduced me as her dad to a friend. I am going to adopt her, she wants me to adopt her. It's been the plan since she was about 16. But we waited till she turned 18 to make it official because neither her nor her mom wanted to go through the motions of severing the other guy's parental rights. That would include making an attempt to contact him, and they both worried that he might answer. Now I'm waiting on my cousin the lawyer to do the paperwork because an adoption, even of an adult child that will not be contested, is insanely expensive.