Terrible Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Gravel
- Start date
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Guest, it's time once again for the massively important and exciting FoH Asshat Tournament!
Go here and give us your nominations!Who's been the biggest Asshat in the last year? Give us your worst ones!
Khane
Got something right about marriage
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A hungry traveler is looking for a place to eat when he drives past a bar with a sign outside that reads
Hot Dogs - $2
Cheeseburgers - $5
Handies - $10
He looks again not sure what to make of it but he's starving and curious so he goes inside to check. He walks in the bar and the place is empty aside from two gorgeous women working behind the bar. One is blonde and one is brunette. After thinking about it for a minute he walks up to the blonde and says "Excuse me, these handies on the sign outside... does that mean handjob?". She replies "Why yes it does, one of our best sellers". The man, slighly incredulous asks "Well are you the one who gives them?". Again, the blonde replies yes. "Good" says the traveler, "Go wash your fucking hands, I want a cheeseburger".
Hot Dogs - $2
Cheeseburgers - $5
Handies - $10
He looks again not sure what to make of it but he's starving and curious so he goes inside to check. He walks in the bar and the place is empty aside from two gorgeous women working behind the bar. One is blonde and one is brunette. After thinking about it for a minute he walks up to the blonde and says "Excuse me, these handies on the sign outside... does that mean handjob?". She replies "Why yes it does, one of our best sellers". The man, slighly incredulous asks "Well are you the one who gives them?". Again, the blonde replies yes. "Good" says the traveler, "Go wash your fucking hands, I want a cheeseburger".
What do you call 2 Mexicans working on your lawn?
-- Hose A and Hose B
Why do Mexicans have refried beans?
-- Ever know a Mexican to do something right the first time?
If a black guy and a white guy fell off the Empire State Building, who'd hit the ground first?
-- The white guy, because the black guy would have to stop and spray-paint "Mother Fucker" on the way down.
-- Hose A and Hose B
Why do Mexicans have refried beans?
-- Ever know a Mexican to do something right the first time?
If a black guy and a white guy fell off the Empire State Building, who'd hit the ground first?
-- The white guy, because the black guy would have to stop and spray-paint "Mother Fucker" on the way down.
So two priests are flying with a planeload of Sunday school kids to the Vatican to meet the Pope. Halfway across the Atlantic the pilot tells them that the plane is going to crash and that there are only two parachutes. One priest turns to the other and says, "grab the chutes and we'll jump!"
"What about the children?" Replies the other priest.
"Fuck the children!" Yells the older priest.
The younger one says, "do you think we have time?"
"What about the children?" Replies the other priest.
"Fuck the children!" Yells the older priest.
The younger one says, "do you think we have time?"
Homsar
Silver Baronet of the Realm
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Prolly posted already whatever
What's the difference between an elevator and a black man? Elevator can raise a child.
What did the tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing they're both stuck up cunts
Man hit a woman with his car, who's at faults? The man's, wtf is he driving in tbe kitchen
What do me and a nutrino have in common? Were always penetrating your mom
How often do chemist tell jokes? Periodically.
I told a chemist joke once, there was no reaction
Greatest joke ever? Women's rights
Black man and a mexican jump off a roof in a race to the bottom who wins? Society
How do you blind an asian? Put a windsheild in front of them
What's the difference between an elevator and a black man? Elevator can raise a child.
What did the tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing they're both stuck up cunts
Man hit a woman with his car, who's at faults? The man's, wtf is he driving in tbe kitchen
What do me and a nutrino have in common? Were always penetrating your mom
How often do chemist tell jokes? Periodically.
I told a chemist joke once, there was no reaction
Greatest joke ever? Women's rights
Black man and a mexican jump off a roof in a race to the bottom who wins? Society
How do you blind an asian? Put a windsheild in front of them
The Pope, Jesse Jackson, a boyscout, and the pilot are on a plane when the engines shit themselves. It's over, they're fucked. Only problem? 3 parachutes. Pilot goes "This is my plane, my gear, fuck you guys", grabs a 'chute, and jumps. Jesse Jackson goes "I'm going to be the first black President", grabs another 'chute, follows the pilot. Down to the Pope and boyscout. Pope looks at the kid and goes "I've lived my life, you are the future, take this and go", hands him a 'chute. Kid looks up and goes "Nah, we're good. That American Inventor just jumped out with my backpack."
I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!
A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!
A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Hoss
Make America's Team Great Again
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The norse gods were having a huge orgy, but loki went out and stirred up a bunch of shit the night before it started just to fuck with thor, who he knew would have to clean up the mess. So, Thor arrives very late to the party. By the time he gets there everyone is passed out. But he sees one beautiful girl walking down the hall, so he smiles at her and says, "Hi, I'm Thor". She says, "You're thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith!"
Hoss
Make America's Team Great Again
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A man is visiting his wife in the hospital who has been in a coma for over a year. He goes in often and talks to her hoping to get some reaction, but nothing seems to be working. One day he's there and very horny and missing her magnificent rack. So he rubs her breasts a little, and she lets out a moan. The nurses and doctors are in there in a heartbeat and he sheepishly admits what he did. So the doctor says, while that wasn't right, they can't ignore that it got a reaction from her and that it's worth following up on. So he suggests maybe the guy might want to try oral sex and see if that snaps her out of her coma. So the nurses and doctor all leave the room, and a minute later her life signs flat line. They all rush back in and ask what happened. He says, "I don't know I was trying oral sex just like you suggested, and suddenly she just started choking"
Szlia
Member
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- 1,376
Courtesy of my uncle I met yesterday:
A woodworker is using a rubber saw, but as he leans forward to inspect his job, off goes his ear! The guy rushes to the hospital and once there the doctor asks him: 'Did you bring your ear with you? We can try to stitch it back you know?' And the guy goes: 'Shit... I just rushed here and it did not occur to me.' 'It's ok, we'll just send an ambulance to your workshop to retrieve the ear.' And so an ambulance goes there, the guys search through the workshop and, as expected, find an ear in the sawdust. They put it on ice and rush back to the hospital. 'We got your ear!' announces the doctor proudly. 'Are you sure it's mine?' 'Well... have a look.' 'Damn guys, it's not it: mine had a pencil over it!'
A girl is brought by an ambulance to the emergency room with a huge bandage around her head. 'What happened to you?' asks the doctor. 'Well, you see, I was doing some ironing, lost in my thoughts, and the telephone rang so I burnt my right ear with the iron.' 'Ok... but what happened to your left ear then?' 'I called an ambulance.'
A woodworker is using a rubber saw, but as he leans forward to inspect his job, off goes his ear! The guy rushes to the hospital and once there the doctor asks him: 'Did you bring your ear with you? We can try to stitch it back you know?' And the guy goes: 'Shit... I just rushed here and it did not occur to me.' 'It's ok, we'll just send an ambulance to your workshop to retrieve the ear.' And so an ambulance goes there, the guys search through the workshop and, as expected, find an ear in the sawdust. They put it on ice and rush back to the hospital. 'We got your ear!' announces the doctor proudly. 'Are you sure it's mine?' 'Well... have a look.' 'Damn guys, it's not it: mine had a pencil over it!'
A girl is brought by an ambulance to the emergency room with a huge bandage around her head. 'What happened to you?' asks the doctor. 'Well, you see, I was doing some ironing, lost in my thoughts, and the telephone rang so I burnt my right ear with the iron.' 'Ok... but what happened to your left ear then?' 'I called an ambulance.'
zombiewizardhawk
Potato del Grande
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jeydax
Death and Taxes
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A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never heard the gunshot.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never heard the gunshot.
