The Art of Conversation

iannis · Aug 21, 2015

McCheese_sl said:
I used to suck at conversations with a similar background as you, but I am quite good at it now when I need to be. My rule of thumb is to ask lots of questions. Most people love talking about themselves, and if you seem interested in them it will leave a great impression. Just think of the question words and make questions, doesnt really matter if you are genuinely interested or not. Of course, it helps if you listen to people so you can use their responses to prompt more questions.

If you cant think of more questions or run out of them, another trick is to use physical things to keep conversation going. Stuff like, "that is a nice ring, what's the story behind it?" or "I really like that tie, where did you get it? Ive been trying to expand my wardrobe a bit." etc.

Similarly, when answering questions I'd suggest not stopping at simply giving an answer. By that I mean, don't just answer, but answer and then explain. For example, if someone at a party asks "What do you do?" Don't just say "I'm a software developer." Instead, say "I'm a software developer, but it's not something I ever thought I'd end up doing. I originally got into programming as a hobby and decided to go back to school for it a few years ago." This is a lot easier if you don't have some boring ass vanilla life, though.

*Edit* I should add that I am an extreme introvert, and I find it quite literally physically exhausting having prolonged conversations with strangers or having to mingle for extended periods of time at work events or parties. However, with practice I've gotten to the point where I have recently been complimented on my conversational abilities, and people were shocked when I told them I hated talking and that I was an introvert.

The problem with just asking questions as a deflection and to keep the ball in the air, which is something that I do very often, is when you get ahold of someone else that does it too.

The trick to that is that you both have something in common now and you can bitch about smalltalk. Which is a sort of smalltalk itself.

And when the normies figure out what you've been doing, expect to be hunted down and subjected to an actual conversation with them. I've had quite a few over the years come find me alone. You can always tell when the gig is up and someone wants to actually TALK to you.

Well, you should be able to tell that. Misanthrope.

Mostly just be aware that very few people actually like small talk. What people are after is the ability to vent in a social setting, to feel part of a group, to take comfort in company, to avoid awkwardness and anxiety. And it seems that most people find silence to be awkward. I've found quite a few friends which do not -- and that's like reason #2 that they're friends. If you can just sit there in silence and share a space without the compulsive need to fill it. The notes make the music, but the rests make the notes. These are very ephermal needs that are not all that difficult to meet. It's only a skillset and it is one that can be practiced and learned. Smile, agree with anything that isn't too outrageous, disagree strongly with something that is skirting a line and suggest an alternative viewpoint (this is why a lot of people will say outrageous shit. They're just venting, they need a quick jot of support -- and sometimes that comes in the form of "Well, no though. You could think of it that way but instead...")

a_skeleton_03 · Aug 21, 2015

Hoss_sl said:
Why would you say that? You couldn't be more wronger bro. I'm quite introverted too and was pretty much afraid of women till my late 20's. Stripper therapy cured me of that.

BTW, isn't it safe to assume we're all introverts on this board? I think someone only needs to identify themselves if they're not.

I am 100% an extrovert and will talk to anyone and everyone.

I prefer hanging out at home but can hang out in any setting and have fun and be the life of the party.

mkopec · Aug 21, 2015

I have no problem talking to people either. Never really had a problem. I pretty much like everyone I meet and they seem to like me as well. Only the real rare bird that I meet occasionally will clash with my personality but thats a rare thing. The only problem I ever had with conversation was on first dates sometimes when I was younger. Sometimes there was those awkward moments of silence, but that was probably due to nerves and trying too hard and then worrying about it more than anything.

But like others said here I used to work retail as well, namely fast food when I was a kid, ever since I was 14. So dealing with others and customers was something you had to learn fast in order to be one of the cool ones in the click, if you know what Im saying.

What I have learned over the years is not to do the following things....

Try not to be a know it all, even if you do know about the subject more than the other person.

Try not to be a one upper. Like someone says something someone did or wahtever, and you come back with oh yeah, I did it better, or I have something better... People dont like that shit and can see right through it.

Take social conversation cues from others. Like if someone starts looking away, or down to the ground, that you are talking to, chances are its time to stop talking or change the subject.

Dont interrupt people while they are taking.

Hoss · Aug 22, 2015

fifey_sl said:
Well, first of all he's married with a kid, don't think his wife wants him to go hang out at jiggles to work on his social skills.

It also sets a bad precedent since they are only interested in the money so it's not a traditional conversation. You can rattle on about how wicked your model train set up is and they will feign interest as long as the money is flowing.

Didn't know he was married, and that would be a good reason to not go to the jiggly hut. But then again, if he's married then he isn't having trouble talking to wimmin, s the advice didn't apply to him anyway.

You overestimate the stripper's ability to feign interest. They'll make more money going on to someone else who wants a dance now. Besides, how's that different from any other type of therapy? The fact that your paying them for company just means you get more than 1 shot.

Gnomedolf · Aug 23, 2015

I was an introvert until I met the woman I ended up being with for 15 years. She could have an hours long conversation with a tree. I swear, she can walk right up to a complete stranger and in half an hour know their entire life story. She does it on planes all the time. I marveled at it, but I listened and learned. It really changed how I was socially.

Xarpolis · Aug 26, 2015

I work with a girl similar to what you're saying, in that she can have hour long conversations with anyone, but she does it for all the wrong reasons. She just wants to talk... she doesn't shut the fuck up ever. All day she prattles on about one nonsense or another. It's incredibly draining. I wish she had this ability to engage others, but instead it's always one sided. I've gotten her to stop talking to me as much because I always become the antagonist to her opinion for the sake of this conversation. "My kids are really loud" "Weren't you loud when you were their age? I mean, a kid can only do so much. You should afford them a little noise time."

That always gets her to stop.

McCheese · Aug 26, 2015

It's great to be able to talk to anyone about anything, but it's also important to be able to turn it off and know when to not talk. I used to car pool with my boss once a week to an office about 2 - 3 hours away, and she is one of those people who cannot stand even the tiniest moment of silence. So she would talk, and talk, and talk some more. Literally there was not more than 10 - 20 seconds of silence during the entire 2+ hour drive each week, and this was with me literally having zero participation in the conversation. It was the most exhausting driving I've ever had to do.

If she hadn't been my boss I might have tried something like Xarpolis suggested to get her to be quiet.

Lanx · Aug 31, 2015

Never fall back on the weather, that makes you seem like you have weak convo skills, always let the other party talk about the weather first.

And like many have said, you HAVE to be proactive about this shit, everyday read buzzfeed or reddit or some shit to have a good mix of
local/national/world/politics/social news/tops.

If you don't like sports (i don't) you HAVE to at least pick a sport, football/baseball or basketball and follow your state team, at the end of the night you should know if they played a game, the score and watch a 1min highlight reel, why? cuz it matters and doesn't stop the conversation, the minute you say you don't follow any sports, your a fucking atheist in Texas, just pick a sport, it's not that hard, I choose Hockey cuz it's not fucking 4 hours 9innings like baseball and usually the scores are easy to fucking remember, i.e. "the rangers won 3 to 1, last night".

Always make them talk, YOU ARE, going to hate them, especially if they have pets or kids, ppl will not shut up about either, this can usually carry the conversation forever, use the Pets or Kids as a last resort when you feel dead air, b/c they will not stop talking the rest of the night otherwise.

iannis · Sep 3, 2015

Do NOT try to explain convoluted comic book backstories and plotlines.

There is no way that is going to be interesting to anyone.

Adebisi · Sep 4, 2015

I'm a raconteur when I have enough booze or caffeine in me.

Woefully Inept · Sep 4, 2015

Shoot me up with some IV Benadryl and I'll talk for fucking days. That shit makes me a jabberjaw. Normally I'm quite the opposite and could use most of the tips in this thread.

Adebisi · Sep 5, 2015

I had a smalltalk at Mrs Adebisi's xmas party turn awesome a few years ago when the guy I was talking with turned out to work for a game developer. That night flew by.

Working at home for the past 10 years had fucked with my social skills.

Mrs. Gravy · Jun 27, 2017

So, I searched the word introvert to get your collective insight. I liked this thread the best for results.
I fall under...and I am sure this is hard for you to believe...the empathic extrovert category.
New man, def. on the introvert side of the scale.
I can get a story out of almost anyone to whom I speak and in a very short amount of time. I do appreciate greatly though, not HAVING to talk. Even for me, it can be exhausting. I tend to feel other people's suffering a bit too much at times and need silence for introspection and to maintain a healthy sense of balance.
Anyway, as usual the perspectives gathered here are helpful and again, I feel fortunate to be here amongst you.

Cad · Jun 27, 2017

Mrs. Gravy said:
So, I searched the word introver

Well said!

Mrs. Gravy · Jun 27, 2017

Cad said:
Well said!

Yeah, fumbling fingers..

Cad · Jun 27, 2017

Mrs. Gravy said:
Yeah, fumbling fingers..

Xarpolis · Jun 27, 2017

Since my post a while back, I've become quite talkative with almost everyone I encounter. A change of location from where I have always been was a huge motivator in that. I no longer had family and school friends to fall back on. I HAD to meet new people, so I chat with everyone I can. It's really nice.

LulzSect · Jun 27, 2017

My go to line is "what is your passion"? Chicks will yap all night over this one if you continue engaging them sincerely ofc.

:smuggly:

Cad · Jun 27, 2017

Mrs. Gravy said:
So, I searched the word introvert to get your collective insight. I liked this thread the best for results.
I fall under...and I am sure this is hard for you to believe...the empathic extrovert category.
New man, def. on the introvert side of the scale.
I can get a story out of almost anyone to whom I speak and in a very short amount of time. I do appreciate greatly though, not HAVING to talk. Even for me, it can be exhausting. I tend to feel other people's suffering a bit too much at times and need silence for introspection and to maintain a healthy sense of balance.
Anyway, as usual the perspectives gathered here are helpful and again, I feel fortunate to be here amongst you.

But seriously, I usually stop talking to people that I have to pull stories out of. I meet people at work that will talk to you all day if you sit and question them. When I stop being the interrogator, they shut down, sit there and look at you, or just eat in silence. Then they come and ask you to go to lunch again the next day - so it's not like they are just suffering through seeing me, as much as some of you would like to believe that. A lot of people are just quiet.

On the flip side are people where you can't get them to shut up long enough to even answer what they are asking you.

Conversation is a delicate dance between getting and giving information, and you need to play both roles if you want conversation to be satisfying.

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