The Girls Who Broke Your Heart Thread

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Djay

Djay

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TheBeagle_sl said:
Good points all around. There are boundary issues, and the mom does acknowledge that she's fucked up. A lot of it stems from the fact that she feels guilty for the marriage breaking up, blah blah. Right now I'm leaning towards Sutekh's pov. I really do love the shit out of her and what kind of person would that make me if I bailed and headed for the hills at the first sign of trouble.

The household does need a solid, positive male role model and because I care about mom so much I'm willing to step up to the plate and give it a shot. That being said, I'm not going to eat a bottomless bowl of shit either. I've been gone for 3 days now and mom has been txting me saying that the boy has been asking about me pretty much non-stop and thinks I'm a pretty righteous dude, so that's a start. The boy goes to his dad's on Saturday so we get some alone adult time and comes back on Sunday afternoon. I'm going to give it one more shot Sunday night on the stipulation that we do things my way. If she wants to have me fill the role of man of the house then she's going to have to let me take charge of the situation or else we just go back to being weekend fuck buddies. My plan is to sit down and have a serious talk with the boy about grown-up relationships and about him growing up to be a young man. I'll end the talk with stipulation that in no uncertain terms I will be sleeping in mom's bed while he sleeps in his own, if he gets up in the middle of the night and tries to come in then he will be immediately escorted back to his own room. If mom let's this happen and doesn't freak out on the first couple nights when he starts crying then I'm willing to have patience and work with it till it's fixed, if not, then it's a hopeless situation and I move on.

And I already have my own kid, a 7 year old girl, who is well-adjusted, super smart, and has an asian tiger mom. There is zero chance I'm breeding with this woman.
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For what it's worth, I think this is a good approach to the situation. Good luck. I hope it works out and that you, the mom, and the son are all the better for it.
 
D

Dabamf_sl

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TheBeagle_sl said:
Good points all around. There are boundary issues, and the mom does acknowledge that she's fucked up. A lot of it stems from the fact that she feels guilty for the marriage breaking up, blah blah. Right now I'm leaning towards Sutekh's pov. I really do love the shit out of her and what kind of person would that make me if I bailed and headed for the hills at the first sign of trouble.

The household does need a solid, positive male role model and because I care about mom so much I'm willing to step up to the plate and give it a shot. That being said, I'm not going to eat a bottomless bowl of shit either. I've been gone for 3 days now and mom has been txting me saying that the boy has been asking about me pretty much non-stop and thinks I'm a pretty righteous dude, so that's a start. The boy goes to his dad's on Saturday so we get some alone adult time and comes back on Sunday afternoon. I'm going to give it one more shot Sunday night on the stipulation that we do things my way. If she wants to have me fill the role of man of the house then she's going to have to let me take charge of the situation or else we just go back to being weekend fuck buddies. My plan is to sit down and have a serious talk with the boy about grown-up relationships and about him growing up to be a young man. I'll end the talk with stipulation that in no uncertain terms I will be sleeping in mom's bed while he sleeps in his own, if he gets up in the middle of the night and tries to come in then he will be immediately escorted back to his own room. If mom let's this happen and doesn't freak out on the first couple nights when he starts crying then I'm willing to have patience and work with it till it's fixed, if not, then it's a hopeless situation and I move on.

And I already have my own kid, a 7 year old girl, who is well-adjusted, super smart, and has an asian tiger mom. There is zero chance I'm breeding with this woman.
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I like your thought process and agree that immediately bailing because of something like this is nonsense. However, the way you word it here sounds like you're framing it as "me vs you for the bed." That's unnecessarily antagonistic and confounds the true reason. The explained reason should be that he's growing up and part of growing up is becoming more independent, which entails sleeping in your own bed at night.

Also keep in mind being firm is not the same as being mean or cold. Your phrasing there is also really harsh. Maybe you're phrasing it like that here just to tell the story, but I wanted to comment just in case. There are 2 types of "strong" parenting. Authoritarian parents are the "my way or the highway" parents. Kids with those parents aren't as emotionally healthy as kids with authoritative parents, who are no less decisive and firm, but are soft and caring in their interactions. Eg "I know you like sleeping with mommy and it might be difficult for a while to sleep in your own bed, but it's time for you to start doing that." ..and then acknowledging their success the next day with some reward, verbal and/or otherwise.


Also habits take a while to change. Expect a 2 steps forward 1 back situation for a while
 
TheBeagle

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Thanks Dabamf. I'm definitely not an authoritarian type of parent with my own child, but you're right there probably is an undercurrent in my own thinking with this boy of 'me vs. you for mom's bed' that's going on in the back of my mind. I will heed your advice and keep it squashed and just emphasize the time to grow up and be a big boy aspect.

I do like the kid and have spent time with him playing video games, shooting bb guns, and even took him fishing once. He's starved for a male role model, his own dad only spends one night a week with him and seems to have given up on the situation and would rather just throw money at the problem, so it's going to fall on me if I'm willing to take it on. The cynical side of me still thinks 'wtf am I getting myself into and should I really be making this kind of committment?' But I've spent the last few years growing up, going back to school, yada yada, and I really want to do the responsible, non-selfish thing, even if it's going to be a bumpy road.

Serenity now!
 
Kirun

Kirun

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TheBeagle_sl said:
Good points all around. There are boundary issues, and the mom does acknowledge that she's fucked up. A lot of it stems from the fact that she feels guilty for the marriage breaking up, blah blah. Right now I'm leaning towards Sutekh's pov. I really do love the shit out of her and what kind of person would that make me if I bailed and headed for the hills at the first sign of trouble.

The household does need a solid, positive male role model and because I care about mom so much I'm willing to step up to the plate and give it a shot. That being said, I'm not going to eat a bottomless bowl of shit either. I've been gone for 3 days now and mom has been txting me saying that the boy has been asking about me pretty much non-stop and thinks I'm a pretty righteous dude, so that's a start. The boy goes to his dad's on Saturday so we get some alone adult time and comes back on Sunday afternoon. I'm going to give it one more shot Sunday night on the stipulation that we do things my way. If she wants to have me fill the role of man of the house then she's going to have to let me take charge of the situation or else we just go back to being weekend fuck buddies. My plan is to sit down and have a serious talk with the boy about grown-up relationships and about him growing up to be a young man. I'll end the talk with stipulation that in no uncertain terms I will be sleeping in mom's bed while he sleeps in his own, if he gets up in the middle of the night and tries to come in then he will be immediately escorted back to his own room. If mom let's this happen and doesn't freak out on the first couple nights when he starts crying then I'm willing to have patience and work with it till it's fixed, if not, then it's a hopeless situation and I move on.

And I already have my own kid, a 7 year old girl, who is well-adjusted, super smart, and has an asian tiger mom. There is zero chance I'm breeding with this woman.
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You very well may think this chick is the greatest thing since sliced bread, but Antarius is spot on with this. If she hasn't set rules and boundaries for this kid in 9 years, you're going to be competing for his mother's affection/attention for the rest of his life. She's going to pay you a bunch of lip service, but I can guarantee that the kid will get his way - he has for 9 years, why would she stop giving in to his every demand now? Like Antarius said, she's already showing you where you rate by the fact a NINE year old has "overruled" the man she supposedly loves 3 days running. That is a solid indicator that she doesn't have a genuine desire to change the child's behavior. The thing is,negotiateddesire only ever leads to obligated compliance. In other words, she's only "attempting" to change the child's behavior because you're giving her an ultimatum, hence negotiating desire. She feelsobligatedto attempt this change, not because she genuinely wants to(if she did, the child wouldn't be this way), but because she doesn't want to lose you. If you don't see the potential harm in a lifetime of dealing with that, I don't know what to tell you..
 
Sutekh

Sutekh

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TheBeagle_sl said:
Good points all around. There are boundary issues, and the mom does acknowledge that she's fucked up. A lot of it stems from the fact that she feels guilty for the marriage breaking up, blah blah. Right now I'm leaning towards Sutekh's pov. I really do love the shit out of her and what kind of person would that make me if I bailed and headed for the hills at the first sign of trouble.

The household does need a solid, positive male role model and because I care about mom so much I'm willing to step up to the plate and give it a shot. That being said, I'm not going to eat a bottomless bowl of shit either. I've been gone for 3 days now and mom has been txting me saying that the boy has been asking about me pretty much non-stop and thinks I'm a pretty righteous dude, so that's a start. The boy goes to his dad's on Saturday so we get some alone adult time and comes back on Sunday afternoon. I'm going to give it one more shot Sunday night on the stipulation that we do things my way. If she wants to have me fill the role of man of the house then she's going to have to let me take charge of the situation or else we just go back to being weekend fuck buddies. My plan is to sit down and have a serious talk with the boy about grown-up relationships and about him growing up to be a young man. I'll end the talk with stipulation that in no uncertain terms I will be sleeping in mom's bed while he sleeps in his own, if he gets up in the middle of the night and tries to come in then he will be immediately escorted back to his own room. If mom let's this happen and doesn't freak out on the first couple nights when he starts crying then I'm willing to have patience and work with it till it's fixed, if not, then it's a hopeless situation and I move on.

And I already have my own kid, a 7 year old girl, who is well-adjusted, super smart, and has an asian tiger mom. There is zero chance I'm breeding with this woman.
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Kirun_sl said:
You very well may think this chick is the greatest thing since sliced bread, but Antarius is spot on with this. If she hasn't set rules and boundaries for this kid in 9 years, you're going to be competing for his mother's affection/attention for the rest of his life. She's going to pay you a bunch of lip service, but I can guarantee that the kid will get his way - he has for 9 years, why would she stop giving in to his every demand now? Like Antarius said, she's already showing you where you rate by the fact a NINE year old has "overruled" the man she supposedly loves 3 days running. That is a solid indicator that she doesn't have a genuine desire to change the child's behavior. The thing is,negotiateddesire only ever leads to obligated compliance. In other words, she's only "attempting" to change the child's behavior because you're giving her an ultimatum, hence negotiating desire. She feelsobligatedto attempt this change, not because she genuinely wants to(if she did, the child wouldn't be this way), but because she doesn't want to lose you. If you don't see the potential harm in a lifetime of dealing with that, I don't know what to tell you..
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This is a whole shit load of assumed apathy from the mother's stand point. Just because the chick messed up in raising the kid it doesn't mean she's completely unwilling to change, like he said she knows that what happened isn't cool. If she cares about him, then she also probably cares about what he has to say. From the way he's described it this woman seem like she genuinely wants to improve her and her son's life.
 
W

Wuyley_sl

shitlord
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Lejina_sl said:
I just pass on single mothers. Taking care of the spawn of some other asshole? Nooope.
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Pretty much this. The only thing that sucks about it is trying to find someone around my age (33) who is like me (Never married, no kids, doesn't smoke).

@Beagle If the kid really thinks your a "righteous dude" and looks up to you, instead of playing bad cop, why not have a "man to man" talk with him about sleeping in his own bed. Don't talk down to him but still be firm that from this point on, he is not allowed in the bedroom after lights out. Granted this is me armchair parenting as I don't have any kids myself but when I deal with my two young nephews and the constant annoying shit they do, I just talk to him like little adults and explain why I am acting like I am and not just, "Because I said so" and that sets their shit straight ASAP.
 
Kirun

Kirun

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Sutekh_sl said:
This is a whole shit load of assumed apathy from the mother's stand point. Just because the chick messed up in raising the kid it doesn't mean she's completely unwilling to change, like he said she knows that what happened isn't cool. If she cares about him, then she also probably cares about what he has to say. From the way he's described it this woman seem like she genuinely wants to improve her and her son's life.
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If she genuinely wanted to "improve" her son's life and knew it was a problem, why is she just now figuring this out at 9? Why not 8? 7? Kids really shouldn't be consistently sleeping with their parents much past the age of 3 or so. She's basically a New Year's Resolution person. If you have to wait until a certain day to make life changes, you probably weren't very serious about them in the first place. It shouldn't take ultimatums, certain days, certain circumstances, etc. to get you to decide that change needs to happen.
 
TheBeagle

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Sutekh_sl said:
This is a whole shit load of assumed apathy from the mother's stand point. Just because the chick messed up in raising the kid it doesn't mean she's completely unwilling to change, like he said she knows that what happened isn't cool. If she cares about him, then she also probably cares about what he has to say. From the way he's described it this woman seem like she genuinely wants to improve her and her son's life.
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Ya this. There is no apathy on her part. I mean for fuck's sake, she works 40 hours a week, has to take care of the house, get homework done every night, cook dinner, do laundry, and still manages to take him to little league 3 days a week. All by herself. She's let the sleeping situation go on too long, but she's still a good mom that wants the best for her son. I can see that and I can see how exhausted she is at the end of the day and that she doesn't have the energy to fight with little Lord Fontleroy over sleepy time. Which is where I come in.

Either way, I'm going into this with my eyes wide open, and if shit doesn't work out then I move on with my life and go back to having meaningless hookups with trashy sluts on POF.
 
Kirun

Kirun

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TheBeagle_sl said:
Ya this. There is no apathy on her part. I mean for fuck's sake, she works 40 hours a week, has to take care of the house, get homework done every night, cook dinner, do laundry, and still manages to take him to little league 3 days a week. All by herself. She's let the sleeping situation go on too long, but she's still a good mom that wants the best for her son. I can see that and I can see how exhausted she is at the end of the day and that she doesn't have the energy to fight with little Lord Fontleroy over sleepy time. Which is where I come in.
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So in other words, she's cashing in on you being a nanny, because she's far too exhausted for that whole, "proper parenting" bullshit? Well, I'm sure that's going to be fun! Right up until the point where Lord Farquaad doesn't like his new daddy telling him what to do.

If she hasn't set boundaries in NINE fucking years, I don't understand how that can not be perceived as almost total apathy.
 
Sutekh

Sutekh

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TheBeagle_sl said:
Ya this. There is no apathy on her part. I mean for fuck's sake, she works 40 hours a week, has to take care of the house, get homework done every night, cook dinner, do laundry, and still manages to take him to little league 3 days a week. All by herself. She's let the sleeping situation go on too long, but she's still a good mom that wants the best for her son. I can see that and I can see how exhausted she is at the end of the day and that she doesn't have the energy to fight with little Lord Fontleroy over sleepy time. Which is where I come in.

Either way, I'm going into this with my eyes wide open, and if shit doesn't work out then I move on with my life and go back to having meaningless hookups with trashy sluts on POF.
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Yeah she doesn't sound like a bad person IMO. Sometimes good people make mistakes and don't realize that they're making mistakes. My mom had trouble raising my little sisters, she spoiled them pretty badly but that's because she was a woman who went through a divorce, lost a lot, and was trying to rebuild her life during the process. She didn't intentionally spoil them but was in the same situation from what he described. They're both in their early 20's now and are both functioning members of society.
 
TheBeagle

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Kirun_sl said:
So in other words, she's cashing in on you being a nanny, because she's far too exhausted for that whole, "proper parenting" bullshit? Well, I'm sure that's going to be fun! Right up until the point where Lord Farquaad doesn't like his new daddy telling him what to do.

If she hasn't set boundaries in NINE fucking years, I don't understand how that can not be perceived as almost total apathy.
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Well if you can show me where all the hot, single 25 year-old chicks with no kids and awesome jobs that like to date 40 year old dudes in grad school are then I'm all ears. Meanwhile, the rest of us live in the real world where people live imperfect lives, make mistakes, and deserve second chances.

Like I said, I'm not giving out an unlimited free pass on this shit. So far I've seen that she acknowledges that she fucked up and wants help in changing it. At this point, that's good enough. If in two or three weeks I perceive that it's just a front to trick me into being a 'nanny' as you put it, then I'm out.
 
TrollfaceDeux

TrollfaceDeux

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thebeagle should be there for her son and see how it works out. her son probably needs a father figure. I know I did....
 
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