When your wife says...

TJT · Sep 11, 2020

lurkingdirk said:
I can't possibly understand why she would be upset when you're being so reasonable. Seriously, uprooting a family across the county, making a unilateral decision, and not listening to her input seems problematic.

Her problems are not being near her friends. We have no family here in Texas at all. That is why I am not going to listen to it.

Gavinmad · Sep 11, 2020

lurkingdirk · Sep 11, 2020

TJT said:
Her problems are not being near her friends. We have no family here in Texas at all. That is why I am not going to listen to it.

Right. She is having anxiety about leaving her friend base. You are demanding you simply move closer to family. Your family, not hers. She won't have any peer group upon arrival, whereas you'll have one instantly.

What could possibly be the source of her anxiety in that situation?

TJT · Sep 11, 2020

lurkingdirk said:
Right. She is having anxiety about leaving her friend base. You are demanding you simply move closer to family. Your family, not hers. She won't have any peer group upon arrival, whereas you'll have one instantly.

What could possibly be the source of her anxiety in that situation?

Her family, which is mostly her mom, has stayed with us for like a year in the past 3. Her mom doesn't live in the USA.

Which is why I am bringing this up to her now. In a year when it gets more serious, she will have had time to process this.

Falstaff · Sep 11, 2020

TJT said:
So I've decided we're moving to Oregon to take advantage of the coming 100% Remote Working Revolution

Not sure how true this is going to end up being but typically when one/two companies do it, many others follow...

VMware Cuts Pay for Remote Workers Fleeing Silicon Valley

VMware Inc. employees who take up the company’s offer to become permanent remote workers will get a pay cut if they move from Silicon Valley, one of the nation’s most costly areas to live, to a less-expensive city.

www.bloomberg.com

TJT · Sep 12, 2020

Sludig said:
Fuck Austin and i don't take her concerns seriously but at the same time seems pretty unfair that you suddenly get this hair up your ass to have a major shake up like that when you whernt concerned about sticking close before.

If it's short term waiting on daddy, fly out and live there for 3-6 months at a time since the whole thing is over being able to wfh.

A little background here is that I never intended to live in Austin for 20 years (or forever) and she knows this. She's known this for as long as we've been together. Staying in Austin for as long as I have has been unusual for my adult life.

Another thing between us is that she does not respond to things like consideration, patience, and has issues with compromise. I've talked about this in the marriage thread but if you give her consideration, patience and try to be understanding she will talk it up about compromising but ultimately ignore it. It's something I've told her. She only responds to assertiveness for what I presume are cultural reasons or something.

So only considering moving to Oregon and not some other location that interests me in my desire to move, something she has known for our entire relationship, giving her over a year of heads up is me being as considerate about it as I am willing to.

Chukzombi · Sep 13, 2020

TJT said:
Not trying to be callous here but she has expressed a desire to be around family and support right? The entirety of my extended family, my parents, my three sisters, and their families, and the rest of our extended family literally all live in Oregon. Every single one of them.

But when we are presented with an opportunity that allows us to do that she resists because of her friends and dance class hobby. It would be good to have our future kids grow up around their many cousins and such.

My primary reason for this is to see my father more than once a year (if that) as I have done for the past 15 years. She agrees that this is a reasonable position but currently holds on to her missing her friends and dance classes shit as I said. If this is the hill she wants to die on I don't know what to say. I doubt it will come to that but it is literally saying that your friends and hobbies are more important than being around my family when my father will most likely pass away in 5-10 years.

this is how i had a fiance but not a wife. we got engaged, did the whole thing engaged couples do. then my dad finds out he has throat cancer and told he has maybe 6-12 months to live and he has a chance if he can have this surgery up in Boston. so i'm out of my mind, i'm 26 and my dad is only 51 and i feel like losing him is too soon, i thought he would get old and have his grandkids to play with for years and years. so i started spending time with him. more than i was spending with the fiancee, of course thats when problems started, when she found out i was making this trip to Boston to be with him through the surgery and recovery, she got this idea that my dad wasnt even sick and that we were both hitting up Boston to whore it up or some nonsense. basically she said, if you go up there we are through. without hesitation i told her to fuck off and that was that.

i went to Boston, saw my dad as much as i could, spent the rest of the time in the hospital waiting room or at this crappy navy hotel in Charlestown that the hospital had a discount deal with. they managed to save my dad and give him another 20 years. i didnt break up with her for telling me what to do, its that my father didnt even factor in to our situation and that her selfishness was just a hint at what was to come in the future. its funny. my job called me on my cellphone while i was in Boston, they wanted to know if i was going to be in work tomorrow, i had already told them what was going on and they knew i was up in Boston, but they still busted by balls about coming into work. i was all ready to tell them to fuck off too, but they finally got the picture that i had no timeline when i was getting back home and they said sorry. sad times when your employer has a clue and your own wife to be doesnt.

TLDR. parents are very important, when they are gone you dont get another. so spend time with them while you still can. Try to make the missus understand this. they have girlfriends and yoga classes up in Oregon too. maybe better versions of them.

Araysar · Sep 13, 2020

TJT said:
She only responds to assertiveness for what I presume are cultural reasons or something.

Void · Sep 14, 2020

Chukzombi said:
this is how i had a fiance but not a wife. we got engaged, did the whole thing engaged couples do. then my dad finds out he has throat cancer and told he has maybe 6-12 months to live and he has a chance if he can have this surgery up in Boston. so i'm out of my mind, i'm 26 and my dad is only 51 and i feel like losing him is too soon, i thought he would get old and have his grandkids to play with for years and years. so i started spending time with him. more than i was spending with the fiancee, of course thats when problems started, when she found out i was making this trip to Boston to be with him through the surgery and recovery, she got this idea that my dad wasnt even sick and that we were both hitting up Boston to whore it up or some nonsense. basically she said, if you go up there we are through. without hesitation i told her to fuck off and that was that.

i went to Boston, saw my dad as much as i could, spent the rest of the time in the hospital waiting room or at this crappy navy hotel in Charlestown that the hospital had a discount deal with. they managed to save my dad and give him another 20 years. i didnt break up with her for telling me what to do, its that my father didnt even factor in to our situation and that her selfishness was just a hint at what was to come in the future. its funny. my job called me on my cellphone while i was in Boston, they wanted to know if i was going to be in work tomorrow, i had already told them what was going on and they knew i was up in Boston, but they still busted by balls about coming into work. i was all ready to tell them to fuck off too, but they finally got the picture that i had no timeline when i was getting back home and they said sorry. sad times when your employer has a clue and your own wife to be doesnt.

TLDR. parents are very important, when they are gone you dont get another. so spend time with them while you still can. Try to make the missus understand this. they have girlfriends and yoga classes up in Oregon too. maybe better versions of them.

Good on you for avoiding that. You probably would be divorced and miserable right now if you'd gotten married. I look at all the chicks I wanted in school (grade school to high school, thanks Facebook!), and routinely thank Baby Jesus that I didn't get hooked up with one of the ones that is now selling essential oils (and posting about it several times a day) or spouting anti-vax shit. Or other equally retarded shit. There's no way to prepare for that, I know, but fuck, I'd go nuts if that's where I ended up. Not that single is my ideal outcome either, but it definitely has some advantages.

Chukzombi · Sep 14, 2020

Void said:
Good on you for avoiding that. You probably would be divorced and miserable right now if you'd gotten married. I look at all the chicks I wanted in school (grade school to high school, thanks Facebook!), and routinely thank Baby Jesus that I didn't get hooked up with one of the ones that is now selling essential oils (and posting about it several times a day) or spouting anti-vax shit. Or other equally retarded shit. There's no way to prepare for that, I know, but fuck, I'd go nuts if that's where I ended up. Not that single is my ideal outcome either, but it definitely has some advantages.

yeah its sad all the girls i dated or had schoolboy crushes on are old as dirt now, as am i. its finally what made me nope out of facebook for the most part.

i kept seeing these hagged out chicks on my feed and i would ask myself, who the hell is that? then i would see the name and it dawns on me. oh shit, thats gina with the hot tits?

Sanrith Descartes · Sep 17, 2020

Koushirou said:
But then, when I'm cooking at home, I'll have meals prepped and stuff purchased for it to be consumed in a particular order. He'll ask me what's for dinner, I tell him, and then I get a pouty face because he wants something else.

This. I grocery shop and cook the meals at home. The proteins are purchased specifically with their order of cooking in mind to make sure they are at their best in terms of freshness. Also if I have something I just dropped into a 2-day marinade, do not ask me to have it for dinner an hour after I put it in to soak.

Sanrith Descartes · Sep 17, 2020

Gavinmad said:
ground turkey is fine as a substitute for beef in most things, but fuck turkey burgers.

No. 1000x no. We do ground turkey instead of beef mainly because my wife doesnt mix dairy and beef. Occasionally I will use ground beef in something that isnt going to have any cheese or milk and its like amazing to taste the difference. Fat is flavor. Ground turkey has no fat which is why it has no flavor.

Xarpolis · Oct 6, 2020

A comic made an interesting point on the radio a few days back that vaguely relates to this topic.

He brought up the option of husband and wife in separate bedrooms. That way your marriage almost reverts back to the lust that was "dating". You don't need to see eachother every day. When you do, it's special. You never know if and when sex may occur. Maybe you're already in bed, and she knocks on your bedroom door because she's in the mood? It becomes a rush once more, instead of more of the same. Plus, you eliminate any resentment you may build towards your partner as far as sleep is concerned. Maybe you like it ice cold, but she prefers the Sahara? Maybe you like background noise and she doesn't? Hell, maybe you like lights on, and she wants pitch black. Now everyone is fulfilled. It brings back the mystery that already vanished due to married life.

I may go this route after the kids move out (It'll be a long time from now. My son turned 3 last month).

Deathwing · Oct 6, 2020

Sounds contrived and arbitrary.

Void · Oct 8, 2020

Honestly, I think the best thing you can do is what my parents did. They both have their own "rooms" where they can hang out and do their own shit. When I was young my dad didn't really have one, but the family room was mostly his, and my mom had a "sewing room" where she could watch her vcr'd soap operas, have her sewing spread out all over, etc. Now my dad has a room with a big computer desk, computer/electronic crap all over, and a door he can close so that all the a/c stays in and the excessive volume on the TV doesn't bother my mom. She once again has her own shit, own zone on the a/c so she can be warmer than fuck, etc. And if either of them (ok, my dad) is lax about cleaning shit up, the other person isn't constantly stepping over it and bitching about it.

And of course they still sit together in the main room and watch stuff they both like, have dinner together, sleep in the same bed, all that. But if they don't want to watch the same thing or do the same thing, they just go to their room and no one gets butthurt over it. They are both retired now, and I'm convinced that is what has kept my mom from murdering my dad. I can't say if it would work for me (foreveralone.jpg), but it has worked great for them for over 50 years.

Cad · Oct 8, 2020

TJT said:
Not trying to be callous here but she has expressed a desire to be around family and support right? The entirety of my extended family, my parents, my three sisters, and their families, and the rest of our extended family literally all live in Oregon. Every single one of them.

But when we are presented with an opportunity that allows us to do that she resists because of her friends and dance class hobby. It would be good to have our future kids grow up around their many cousins and such.

My primary reason for this is to see my father more than once a year (if that) as I have done for the past 15 years. She agrees that this is a reasonable position but currently holds on to her missing her friends and dance classes shit as I said. If this is the hill she wants to die on I don't know what to say. I doubt it will come to that but it is literally saying that your friends and hobbies are more important than being around my family when my father will most likely pass away in 5-10 years.

Where is her family?

Kirun · Oct 8, 2020

Xarpolis said:
A comic made an interesting point on the radio a few days back that vaguely relates to this topic.

He brought up the option of husband and wife in separate bedrooms. That way your marriage almost reverts back to the lust that was "dating". You don't need to see eachother every day. When you do, it's special. You never know if and when sex may occur. Maybe you're already in bed, and she knocks on your bedroom door because she's in the mood? It becomes a rush once more, instead of more of the same. Plus, you eliminate any resentment you may build towards your partner as far as sleep is concerned. Maybe you like it ice cold, but she prefers the Sahara? Maybe you like background noise and she doesn't? Hell, maybe you like lights on, and she wants pitch black. Now everyone is fulfilled. It brings back the mystery that already vanished due to married life.

I may go this route after the kids move out (It'll be a long time from now. My son turned 3 last month).

This is exactly what my girlfriend and I both do. She was really adamant about moving in together after a little over a year of dating. I told her this was my condition for moving in and it has been that way for 2+ years.

I'll occasionally watch movies in "her room" or her in mine, but couples that sleep in the same bedroom just never made sense to me. Not only does it ruin your sleep (I'm the lightest sleeper I know), but it just always reeked of codependency to me. You fall in love with the person while dating (usually), while living "separate" lives, yet people want to change everything about their SOs when living together. Confuses the hell out of me.

JOESAN21 · Oct 27, 2020

This post is awesome. I thought I was the only one with these kind of problems.

ZyyzYzzy · Oct 27, 2020

JOESAN21 said:
This post is awesome. I thought I was the only one with these kind of problems.

I'm pretty sure every single married man has these problems because, well, women

lurkingdirk · Oct 27, 2020

I rather like sleeping with my wife. I don't mean sex, which is great, but the sleeping part. Yes, we wake each other up some, but there is also something lovely about the intimacy of being totally vulnerable next to each other every night. I know not many couples do this, but we go to bed at the same time nearly every night, too. Finish the day together just as we started it together. We often turn our lights off at different times because we're reading or watching something, but mostly we fall asleep next to each other. To me that feels good and healthy.

However, I know that's not for everyone. I do know people that have separate rooms, and it works just fine for them. Everyone's different.

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