Dating

Khane · Mar 18, 2023

I'm not the one trying to make myself sound awesome... Champ.

CaughtCross · Mar 18, 2023

Oblio said:
I wouldn't change the scene at all, I just wouldn't play the stupid games. Clearly you think you have to play by the current rules, even though it hasn't worked yet. Just keep trying the same thing, right Champ? The truth is you wish you had my life or rather a similar version of it and instead of taking notes you would rather tell me my way of doing things is wrong.

If I was 30minutes into a date and realized there was no chance of a future, I would end the date. Would you do that? Or would you be too worried about playing by someone else's rules? You have no one to blame for your failures, but yourself. Were you raised by a single Mom? What kind of male influence did you have in your life that made you so weak with women?

It still baffles me why you think you have all the answers at something you are a complete failure at. Are you a Seinfeld fan? You should try the Opposite George Approach, what is the worst that could happen?

What do you think playing stupid games even means? The advice you are giving makes you sound really demanding an inflexible. This would be a major turn off to most women. It is important to find someone you are compatible with but listing off a bunch of demands is gonna have girls bailing on you.

Khane · Mar 18, 2023

CaughtCross said:
What do you think playing stupid games even means? The advice you are giving makes you sound really demanding an inflexible. This would be a major turn off to most women. It is important to find someone you are compatible with but listing off a bunch of demands is gonna have girls bailing on you.

He honestly believes that going on a date will give you insight within 30 minutes of whether or not someone is worth spending the rest of your life with. And that every date can be settled or cancelled under such strict criteria.

Have the single guys here been on dates where it was immediately obvious "this was a mistake"? Yep. Is that the de-facto outcome? Not even close.

While also admitting that if god forbid his marriage ended, and I would hope it doesn't, that he would turn into what he thinks I am.... and just find a fuck buddy to spend some nights with in a hotel.

Oblio · Mar 18, 2023

I am being factual about how I approach life. I am sorry my direct honesty hurts or offends you. I think you think it is arrogance, but it isn't. And it's not luck either, so what does that leave? Confidence? Yes, to a point, but like all humans I have my own set of insecurities. I think it just comes down to having enough confidence (real or fake as long as it pushes you) to go after what you want. I am very assertive and like I said the other day it can come off as combative to some, where as I look at as a big time saver. We only have a finite amount of time on this earth why waste it playing other people's games?

You guys keep assuming the worst from my posts and running with a narrative that just isn't reality. I am asking you to give me the benefit of the doubt that my stated game plan would be done in a charming, tactful, conversational way. I have said as much before yet the same attacks keep coming. You are trying to argue with me about the perceived delivery where I am just more focused the substance and what the end goal is. Of course you have to deliver the message in your own style, my advice is to just be honest with her and yourself. You see a red flag then GTFO. Just be sure that what you perceive as a red flag is a something of substance. A hill you are truly willing to die on. I think Big P has a very unreasonable red flag meter, ie an ankle tattoo is a deal breaker for him.

Believe it or not all my posts are well intentioned. I wish you guys the same level happiness I have. Moving away from any personal digs etc, my advice is to be honest, stay true to your end game goals and don't waste your time. Remove all the other back and forth we have had and look at the previous sentence, that is all I am trying to convey. If you want to keep arguing with me have at it, but to what end? You aren't going to convince I am wrong.

Khane · Mar 18, 2023

Oblio said:
I am being factual about how I approach life. I am sorry my direct honesty hurts or offends you. I think you think it is arrogance, but it isn't. And it's not luck either, so what does that leave? Confidence? Yes, to a point, but like all humans I have my own set of insecurities. I think it just comes down to having enough confidence (real or fake as long as it pushes you) to go after what you want. I am very assertive and like I said the other day it can come off as combative to some, where as I look at as a big time saver. We only have a finite amount of time on this earth why waste it playing other people's games?

You guys keep assuming the worst from my posts and running with a narrative that just isn't reality. I am asking you to give me the benefit of the doubt that my stated game plan would be done in a charming, tactful, conversational way. I have said as much before yet the same attacks keep coming. You are trying to argue with me about the perceived delivery where I am just more focused the substance and what the end goal is. Of course you have to deliver the message in your own style, my advice is to just be as honest with her and yourself. You see a red flag then GTFO. Just be sure that what you perceive as a red flag is a something of substance. A hill you are truly willing to die on. I think Big P has a very unreasonable red flag meter, ie an ankle tattoo is a deal breaker for him.

Believe it or not all my posts are well intentioned. I wish you guys the same level happiness I have. Moving away from any personal digs etc, my advice is to be honest, stay true to your end game goals and don't waste your time. Remove all the other back and forth we have had and look at the previous sentence, that is all I am trying to convey. If you want to keep arguing with me have at it, but to what end? You aren't going to convince I am wrong.

I don't understand you. This is the first sincere post you've made. You were incredibly combative out of the gate. If you approached conversation like this from the start you would have been responded to in kind.

Why did you immediately try to call back conversations from the marriage thread from like 5 years ago and attack? That thread has been dead forever.

pharmakos · Mar 18, 2023

slippery said:
Going to dinner and doing something tomorrow night. We'll see how it goes. Our conversations to this point have been fine. I actually find myself excited, which is kind of unexpected. As it was someone trying to set us up and I resisted for a long time I kind of just started it up as a fine I'll try.

My goal isn't really to get laid though, it's to find an actual relationship (that then results in lots of getting laid!). I'm too old and don't have the time or energy to just fuck around.

You've been texting her you said? What's she like, what do you know about her so far? What do you guys have in common?

Rajaah · Mar 18, 2023

Oblio said:
Were you raised by a single Mom? What kind of male influence did you have in your life that made you so weak with women?

Hey, I was raised by a single mom.

...and yes, it fucks you up. I was WAY too nice to women growing up. Too nice in general actually. When you grow up deferring to a woman, that carries over into adulthood as weakness. Which isn't the worst thing in the world (some women like a puppy dog) until it is and you get jerked around one too many times.

Side note:

Khane and

Oblio you're both cool in different ways, but could you both stop shitting up the thread with your bickering? You sound like a married couple henpecking each other.

To get things semi back on topic with dating advice... My advice to anyone who wants dating advice is: Talk to women about it. They give much better advice. Best wingmen I ever had (really, the only good ones) were women. They know what to do and can get you laid better than you can. Even something as simple as not knowing what to wear on a first date with a chick you actually like, text a picture to a female friend and run your look by her. Good way to get any needed advice and get a confidence boost when you're getting it right.

Khane · Mar 18, 2023

Rajaah said:
Side note: Khane and Oblio you're both cool in different ways, but could you both stop shitting up the thread with your bickering? You sound like a married couple henpecking each other.

No, go play some more CRPGs!!!! Welcome to Thunderdome

Oblio · Mar 18, 2023

I don't know what to tell you

Khane other then my perception of events is that you drew first blood and I fell back into old habits with you because I assumed that is what you were doing. I am not sure how or why you missed all the times I said the narrative of how I would say things wasn't the reality of my actions (see below). Yes, some of those responses were peppered with digs at you as I was just matching your energy and some of those responses were to others. Overall I think I was pretty consistent. I have been sincere the whole time, again I admit my faults and being honest to a fault is one of them.

I said this before you were even in the convo.

Oblio said:
Okay maybe the 2nd date for the sex stuff, but think it is important she gets a very clear understanding of you who you are and what you are about right up front. I would do my best to ask the right questions to understand what she is all about.

You drew first blood. You attacked me, you could have said that you disagree in a polite way instead you said my question was pointless and then you told me that my actions would are a sign that I don't understand sexual chemistry. Believe it or not I am fully aware of how important it is (to me at least) which is why I would not waste me time with someone that I would not have sexual chemistry with.

Khane said:
I'm not sure there is a more pointless question to ask than "What is your desired sex frequency". There is no answer to that question.

Asking her how often she likes to have sex is probably a signal to her that you don't understand sexual chemistry and what drives that desire... more than anything else.

I returned your opening volley and again noted/indicated that I backed off my original statement

Oblio said:
Pardon me if you are the last person on this forum next to Big P that I would ever take relationship advice from. That said I did back off the first date comment, but in all honesty why waste your time on a dozen dates if the sexual compatibility isn't there?

Again indicated that my checklist isn't my word for word script

Oblio said:
Sorry for being blunt and direct here with forum bros!?!? I have tact and I am able to phrase things in the proper way to get the proper response. If you think I would phrase it that exact way or bring it up as the first question then I don't know what to tell you. There is a way to communicate in a very direct manner and still remain tactful. Like I said I backed off the first date, but no way I am getting beyond six dates without having some sort of an idea of what our sex life will be like should we enter into a long term relationship. You are creating a narrative in your head of how I would do/say things that is likely not accurate to the reality. I am not going to write a script for him like the first 20 offensive plays in a football game, the goal is to get in the End Zone and I am just telling him my offensive philosophy. He has to speak in his own words with his own style, I merely suggesting to be honest and upfront.

Again backing off

Oblio said:
Sounds like you need to read the multiple times I backed off the "first date" comment.

Same

Oblio said:
Dude read my follow ups, stop with this bullshit narrative.

More of the same

Oblio said:
The whole point of my post was to advise being upfront/honest and not to play games.

Lastly, just stop the bullshit narrative comments like interrogation/robotic etc. I have stated multiple times I would do it tactfully. I would work all these topics/questions into the conversation in natural way, if you keep arguing the contrary you are not arguing in good faith.

More more same same

Oblio said:
Admittedly my first post wasn't as eloquent as it could have been because I was in the middle of work and rushed the response. That said, I still believe that cutting through the BS is the right way if you are looking for a partner/long term relationship. If you are looking to get laid, then that is a different ball game.

Khane · Mar 18, 2023

That "first blood" was incredibly innocuous and entirely true. It was not some personal attack.

Also, several people called you out on the post I was responding to beforehand with nothing but sarcasm and sardonic responses. It was a post you probably didn't intend to portray in the tone you did. Which has been acknowledged.

pharmakos · Mar 18, 2023

Rajaah said:
To get things semi back on topic with dating advice... My advice to anyone who wants dating advice is: Talk to women about it. They give much better advice. Best wingmen I ever had (really, the only good ones) were women. They know what to do and can get you laid better than you can. Even something as simple as not knowing what to wear on a first date with a chick you actually like, text a picture to a female friend and run your look by her. Good way to get any needed advice and get a confidence boost when you're getting it right.

Genuinely the best advice in the thread so far, Brother Rajaah. I've got more female friends than male friends and definitely the females give better dating advice. If y'all don't have at least a few female friends that you can casually talk to about stuff, make some!

pharmakos · Mar 18, 2023

Amod we might need to start a thread outside of Grown Up Stuff where Oblio and Khane can work out their differences and eventually kiss and make up

Oblio · Mar 18, 2023

lol at calling in Amod.

Khane is who he is and is set in his ways. My experience with him is that he struggles with admitting fault and his failures are typically placed at the feet of others. He is gonna keep being him and I am going to keep being me and we will both continue to get the same results. I am not in competition with Khane in anyway, we are running two different races. I just don't understand why he would try to immediately attack my point of view rather than try and learn from it or ask clarifying questions. When I am ignorant on a subject or if I am repeatedly unsuccessful at a particular task I reach out to those with more knowledge/success. I don't attack them for having more success then me.

Khane you are either unwilling or unable to see how you attacked first, so I am going to take my own advice and stop wasting my time. I wish you all the best and hope that some day you can figure it out and find happiness.

pharmakos · Mar 18, 2023

Oblio said:
lol at calling in Amod.

Did it out of love. I think with the proper setting and mediator, you and Khane could become good friends.

Khane · Mar 18, 2023

pharmakos said:
Did it out of love. I think with the proper setting and mediator, you and Khane could become good friends.

Are you trying to say we need a Marriage Counselor?

I don't know, pardon me for taking issue with someone who was calling everyone who is single a loser and using me as a proxy for his disdain. Sorry everyone!

Control · Mar 18, 2023

Rajaah said:
Talk to women about it. They give much better advice.

Ehhh, have you met a woman that knew what she wanted? Also, women hate each other.
Watch what people do, not what they say. Did the last five shitbags she dated do the things she's telling you to do? (rhetorical, but pretty broadly applicable imo)

Oblio · Mar 18, 2023

pharmakos A follow up to my post about our first dates. Last night, I was talking to my wife about our first few weeks/months together and she reminded me of something that happened the weekend after our first date. One of my wife's roommates decided to make her feel bad about us spending so much time together the first week.

The plan was I would call her to make sure she was done with her day and then come pick her up to go to a party at my friend's house. Because her roommate was in her ear (for what reason we can only guess was jealousy) she (my wife) answered the call and said something to the effect of things are going to fast and she thought she should stay home that night and hang out with her roommate. The only problem I could tell they weren't her words, they were totally out of character from every other convo we had had over the past week. They were her roommates words, so I asked probing questions as to where this was coming from and why was it the polar opposite of what she was saying just a few hours earlier at the Gym. In so many words she said they were her roommate's words. So I told her just like I did on the first date I don't play games. I said I am sorry you feel this way, but I am not dating you and your roommate. I told her I would see her around and I wished her all the best. I wasn't mean or rude I was just direct, we said our goodbyes and I was bummed because I really thought she could have been the one. The phone rang 30 seconds later and she was singing a different tune. I didn't make her beg or anything, but I did make it clear that it came across as a huge red flag. She apologized and said what she really wanted was for me to come pick her up, so I did and the rest is history.

Big Phoenix · Mar 18, 2023

Oblio said:
The plan was I would call her to make sure she was done with her day and then come pick her up to go to a party at my friend's house. Because her roommate was in her ear (for what reason we can only guess was jealousy) she (my wife) answered the call and said something to the effect of things are going to fast and she thought she should stay home that night and hang out with her roommate. The only problem I could tell they weren't her words, they were totally out of character from every other convo we had had over the past week. They were her roommates words, so I asked probing questions as to where this was coming from and why was it the polar opposite of what she was saying just a few hours earlier at the Gym. In some many words she said they were her roommate's words. So I told her just like I did on the first date I don't play games. I said I am sorry you feel this way, but I am not dating you and your roommate. I told her I would see her around and I wished her all the best. I wasn't mean or rude I was just direct, we said our goodbyes and I was bummed because I really thought she could have been the one. The phone rang 30 seconds later and she was singing a different tune. I didn't make her beg or anything, but I did make it clear that it came across as a huge red flag. She apologized and said what she really wanted was for me to come pick her up, so I did and the rest is history.

About when did you two first start dating?

slippery · Mar 18, 2023

pharmakos said:
You've been texting her you said? What's she like, what do you know about her so far? What do you guys have in common?

I don't have overly much to say this point. Seems like down to earth relaxed good person. Our ideal scenarios for good relaxing nights and identical. Good sense of humor, doesn't take things too seriously

Oblio · Mar 18, 2023

~25 years ago

/INB4 it was so different back then. I don't disagree things are different now for the masses, I just wouldn't play by those rules. If I were single now I would still go up to woman in person and ask her out in person. I would not use a dating apps to find love, I would only use apps to get laid. I would shoot my shot if I saw a woman in public that I am attracted to, did not have a ring on and appeared to be in my appropriate age range. What is the worst case scenario? She says no? I would smile and wish her a good day and walk away. Or if she gets mad at me for approaching her? I know this happens now and fucking lol at it! I would just respond with "based on your reaction we are not compatible, I had nothing but good intentions and I wish you all the best." If she continued to get mad I would just walk away, I would not apologize for finding her attractive, I would not apologize for asking her out or for her number.

EDIT: Also a lot of my attitude is a result of my High School GF. I was Senior and she was a Sophomore, she was ridiculously hot, but wasn't even on my radar because I was so into sports. She actually pursued me over the summer going into my Senior year. Probably because of her age and my lack of experience she was constantly playing games with my head after she reeled me in. When she dumped me in the second semester I was a blubbering mess. Took me at least to weeks to have a moment of feeling normal and at least two months to have any consistency with feeling normal. Once I was in the right headspace I reviewed all the game tape and realized how much power I allowed her to have over me. I told myself never again, fuck games, fuck playing by those rules. ~4 years later I met my wife.

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