Dating

ShakyJake · Mar 20, 2023

Oblio said:
How old are you?

51

pharmakos · Mar 20, 2023

Kriptini said:
Users have to answer three prompts to appear on their profile, and usually they will indicate how serious/deep a woman is before you meet up with her. People can also optionally fill out other demographic information like religious beliefs, political alignment, whether or not they want kids, which vices they get into, etc. and you can filter the profiles you see based on that. For example, I set my feed to only show me women who said they held conservative political beliefs, are Christian, between the ages of 26 and 33, want kids, don't already have kids, and don't smoke or do drugs. Then from there I just had to manually filter people out by prompts.

But I think the absolute best thing about Hinge is that you don't have to "match" with someone to message them. If you like their profile, you can send them a message and they're guaranteed to see it, and they can choose to either message you back which opens up a dialogue or if they don't want to talk to you, then can decline your message request. The important thing here is that you never have to worry about whether or not you've come up on their feed for them to have the opportunity to match with you; if you message her, she'll see it the next time she opens the app.

I just Googled Hinge and saw someone call it "the spiritual successor to OkCupid." (Tinder bought OKC I think?) Idk if I could think of a better sales pitch for a dating app then that, OkCupid was the best back in the day.

pharmakos · Mar 20, 2023

slippery said:
So, results of date yesterday.

I don't really know how to put in words. It was fine, nothing was wrong, conversation was good. Seems to be down to Earth and reasonable. It was an enjoyable evening. I just don't feel a spark, can't decide if should continue.

What did you guys do for the date? Just dinner? Try something else for date two if you do proceed. Something more interactive. Not sure what this time of year but yeah. Normally I'd say just meet up for a walk in the park or something like that.

Or if you guys did a traditional dinner date where you're sitting across the table from each other and talking the whole time, maybe a more "fun" restaurant for date two, like a hibachi grill or something.

Basically the thought is just putting yourselves into a different situation so you both can see how the other's personality changes based on etc. Can see her personality from multiple perspectives and give yourself a better read on her.

Edit -- didn't read your second post yet. This is also a good way to see if it's the fact that she's bigger that's bugging you. Some sort of date where you're not sitting across a table from each other staring at one another the whole time.

Oblio · Mar 20, 2023

slippery said:
No, nothing stood out to me. Obviously that isn't to say there aren't any, but nothing came out. She has common sense about your political issues along the lines of like Electric cars being a scam (her Dad was a mechanic and bitches about them a lot), police stuff, lots of bullshit corruption tied to money, etc. She's home schooling her 14 y/o daughter for the past few years because she was a teacher and saw what was going on in schools. The stuff she tells me about her daughter tends me to believe she's raising her right and has a good kid. She has a good heart. She's bigger, so it's possible I'm just being vain and the physical is holding me off from really connecting, and is something I would probably get over. IT could just be something that needs more time, dunno.

Gotcha, so it sounds like it was mostly physical for the "no spark" which is totally understandable.

How big is bigger? Like 10-20 lbs overweight? 20-50 lbs? or 100 lbs? Do you know or have anyway of finding out if she used to be in shape or at least not big? In no way am I saying you take on a project to get her in shape, but maybe ask her to go on a hike or some other physical activity. I am also not suggesting you get over what is unattractive about her to you. Physical attraction matters, but it isn't everything. That said if she is a 5-6 in looks she had better be a 8-9.5 in the other categories. If you think her weight can be overcome by some daily/weekly activity that you initiate then ask her out again. If you think this more a lifestyle and she gives zero fucks about improving her health then I understand why you would be gun shy.

Lastly, did her having a 14 y/o affect your view of her?

ShakyJake said:
51

I am in my mid-40s and I see a fair amount of attractive women in their 40s. I see some attractive women in their 50s, but agreed not as many.

I think once you hit 50 a 10-15 year age difference isn't terrible. I see your point on 20 somethings and even early 30s, however, women in their late 30s or even their 40s could very well be the right fit for you. What is the youngest you have dated? What is the oldest? Have you met anyone a decade younger than you that could hold your mental attention?

Rajaah · Mar 20, 2023

pharmakos said:
Yeah I am not used to trying to date women like her. Generally through my life I have dated "down" (in before anyone makes a joke like "how is that possible?".... My life wasn't always a wreck ). She genuinely is busy as fuck tho. The hot and cold shit fucks with my head sometimes of course, but I'm trying to be understanding. Only one time in the three months we've been talking where I ended up losing my cool a little. Was drunk one night and texted her a kind of butthurt emo message wondering why I hadn't heard from her in a bit. Looking back I'm surprised but she actually reacted well. I think SHE was surprised that I was even bothered at all, I think maybe she doesn't realize I'm ACTUALLY into her? Idk. Tough nut to crack. We have great energy when we're together tho, so even tho the distance / time gaps are a bummer... Still out of all the women in my life the one I'm hoping for. Idk if I'd call it "love" at the moment (I genuinely try to love everyone so... Can be hard to tell sometimes lol) but yeah.

Sounds a lot like the Indian woman I dated, like I said, who similarly couldn't commit and I had to be cautious about pressing the issue.

Except you hanging around with her for several months without actually getting sexual is a bit of an enigma. Her possibly being surprised that you're that interested, etc. It all sounds to me like a total non-relationship. I think she put you in her friendzone/sounding board/Gay Best Friend category for cuddles and expressing feelings to but not much else. Even now that she's actually single I don't think anything will happen because it would have happened already. Probably. And if anything does happen, you're Rebound Guy. For your own good, get ready to detach your feelings like the saucer part of the TNG Enterprise and fly off. I'd do some soul-searching and figure out what exactly you want from her, and ask her if it's something she can give you now, and if not, just keep in touch and don't devote emotions to it. Save you a lot of mental energy.

I don't remember many of the specifics of me and the Indian businesswoman. There was no kiss on the first date because it was a hangout with a bunch of her professional friends and not that kind of vibe. Second date had a kiss. Pretty sure I was inside of her on the third date. We didn't know what we wanted either, but still, the tone was set very quickly that we were in a physical relationship. From that point on our relationship was about 10% cuddling and talking, 5% shockingly good sex (she took care of herself and looked about 33 at the most), and 85% her complaining to me over texts about how busy she was and how she didn't know if she could do a relationship and how tired she was and how she couldn't hang out because of how busy and tired she was. After a few months I did get a bit exasperated that I was such a low priority to her outside of a couple nights a week, and she told me she'd been pretty clear the whole time that she didn't know if she could handle this right then, and didn't want to be letting me down all the time, and we should probably break it off. So we did.

It's interesting though, as distant as she tried to be on the relationship issue itself, there were times when she dropped her shields. Like when I had to leave her place early in the morning to deal with the idiotic parking meter situation (basically had to move my car before 8 AM, park a mile away from her, and run the parking meter, so I'd usually just go home instead). She texted me later in the morning that when she woke up she felt herself really wishing I were next to her. Yeah, the shield slipped sometimes. After we broke up I snuck onto her social media that she never gave me and read what she said about me on there, and it was that I was great and she thought she had feelings for me, it had been a while since that happened to her, and there was nothing wrong with me, but she didn't know if she could do it, and it was hard.

A couple years later I texted and asked how she was doing and she, in so many words, told me to fuck off. I uh... I don't know. We ended on a fairly normal and mundane note, then later I get the "ex boyfriend who cheated on you" response. God damn. Rather she would have just ghosted me on that one.

Rajaah · Mar 20, 2023

Kriptini said:
Users have to answer three prompts to appear on their profile, and usually they will indicate how serious/deep a woman is before you meet up with her. People can also optionally fill out other demographic information like religious beliefs, political alignment, whether or not they want kids, which vices they get into, etc. and you can filter the profiles you see based on that. For example, I set my feed to only show me women who said they held conservative political beliefs, are Christian, between the ages of 26 and 33, want kids, don't already have kids, and don't smoke or do drugs. Then from there I just had to manually filter people out by prompts.

But I think the absolute best thing about Hinge is that you don't have to "match" with someone to message them. If you like their profile, you can send them a message and they're guaranteed to see it, and they can choose to either message you back which opens up a dialogue or if they don't want to talk to you, then can decline your message request. The important thing here is that you never have to worry about whether or not you've come up on their feed for them to have the opportunity to match with you; if you message her, she'll see it the next time she opens the app.

Wow, that really is good. I'll give it a whirl. Supposed to get a haircut/shave later this week, maybe I'll take some pictures and take a shot at Hinge.

Moving at the end of April (yeah I just moved at the end of Dec, things come up) so it really isn't a good time. But I'll give it a look because it sounds like something that's really well-designed.

I've never been concerned with political beliefs of women in my pre-2020 dating. Most of the women I dated were liberal and we got on fine, found enough things to agree on, the arguments were actually good cause they got our motors running, etc.

Nowadays though, I might just set it to conservative because I'm not sure if the average person even knows how to talk to or relate to people on the opposite "side" from them anymore.

Kriptini · Mar 20, 2023

Rajaah said:
Wow, that really is good. I'll give it a whirl. Supposed to get a haircut/shave later this week, maybe I'll take some pictures and take a shot at Hinge.

Not sure how old you are, but if you're still trying to date in the late 20s/early 30s range, do not even bother setting up your profile until you have six really good photos. You should have a good variety of photos that are all at least decent-looking and give a peek into what your life looks like. It's superficial, but you don't want to get filtered out by good women because you have sketchy photos. Unfortunately, that's the culture.

Rajaah · Mar 20, 2023

Hoss said:
I don't know wha'ts funnier. That you think women know what they want, or that they would tell you.

How many women do you actually talk to?

This reminds me of all the white people who speak for black people all the time yet don't actually ever talk to real-life black people.

I haven't met a single black person ever who thought "abolishing police" was a good idea. They usually get a belly-laugh out of it and talk about how fucking stupid they all think it is. Don't tell that to the gelatinous mass of 20something overweight white chicks holding "abolish police" signs in your local park though.

Big Phoenix · Mar 20, 2023

Hinge is alright. Last date I went on that also went pretty damn good was off of Hinge. Wasnt compatible with the woman but overall good date.

pharmakos · Mar 20, 2023

Rajaah said:
Except you hanging around with her for several months without actually getting sexual is a bit of an enigma.

She's pretty devoutly Catholic despite getting divorced. I was raised Catholic and mostly just generically Christian now (far too many "heretical" beliefs to call myself truly Roman Catholic lol). But yeah just kind of trying to show her the man I'd be, as far as sexual fidelity.

We've actually only hung in person a handful of times. Nothing but phone / text since hubby gave her the divorce papers and shit got real. So yeah, glad I didn't actually get intimate, y'know?

I know what it's like to be rebound guy. If things progress and that's what it seems like, I won't go for it.

I guess if it were a game of Bridge or Euchre, you'd call my current position "sandbagging."

I know I have a lot of what she wants in a partner. Trying not to push a play too early on so that I can have a strong end game. She's got her life pretty sorted out in most ways, so I believe her when she says that the fact that I am not well off genuinely doesn't matter to her

And yeah for the most part I wouldn't say I devote too much energy to it. Got a lot of my own shit to deal with right now anyway, I'm not at a good place for a relationship. Only reason I even met her is I lapsed into a manic swing in the end of December and started on dating apps. Which was a bad idea and I've since deleted them. But yeah still glad I met her, did not at all expect to meet someone like her on there.

Rajaah said:
After we broke up I snuck onto her social media that she never gave me and read what she said about me on there, and it was that I was great and she thought she had feelings for me, it had been a while since that happened to her, and there was nothing wrong with me, but she didn't know if she could do it, and it was hard.

Ooooooof. I bet that was a strange gut punch. Sorry bruv.

slippery · Mar 20, 2023

pharmakos said:
What did you guys do for the date? Just dinner? Try something else for date two if you do proceed. Something more interactive. Not sure what this time of year but yeah. Normally I'd say just meet up for a walk in the park or something like that.

Or if you guys did a traditional dinner date where you're sitting across the table from each other and talking the whole time, maybe a more "fun" restaurant for date two, like a hibachi grill or something.

Basically the thought is just putting yourselves into a different situation so you both can see how the other's personality changes based on etc. Can see her personality from multiple perspectives and give yourself a better read on her.

Edit -- didn't read your second post yet. This is also a good way to see if it's the fact that she's bigger that's bugging you. Some sort of date where you're not sitting across a table from each other staring at one another the whole time.

The intent was to go mini golf, but it was so packed you couldn't even get in the parking lot. It was an absolutely absurd amount of people on the course (probably because this week is spring break, something I didn't think about). So we just went to Barnes and Noble and walked around for a few hours and then did dinner. B&N was a good opportunity to just like walk around with no pressure and provides a variety of subjects to talk about just because the nature of books in front of you. I do intend to try to do something like Mini Golf, or even like an Arcade, if we go out again. Something different, see how it goes.

Oblio said:
Gotcha, so it sounds like it was mostly physical for the "no spark" which is totally understandable.

How big is bigger? Like 10-20 lbs overweight? 20-50 lbs? or 100 lbs? Do you know or have anyway of finding out if she used to be in shape or at least not big? In no way am I saying you take on a project to get her in shape, but maybe ask her to go on a hike or some other physical activity. I am also not suggesting you get over what is unattractive about her to you. Physical attraction matters, but it isn't everything. That said if she is a 5-6 in looks she had better be a 8-9.5 in the other categories. If you think her weight can be overcome by some daily/weekly activity that you initiate then ask her out again. If you think this more a lifestyle and she gives zero fucks about improving her health then I understand why you would be gun shy.

Lastly, did her having a 14 y/o affect your view of her?

I am in my mid-40s and I see a fair amount of attractive women in their 40s. I see some attractive women in their 50s, but agreed not as many.

I think once you hit 50 a 10-15 year age difference isn't terrible. I see your point on 20 somethings and even early 30s, however, women in their late 30s or even their 40s could very well be the right fit for you. What is the youngest you have dated? What is the oldest? Have you met anyone a decade younger than you that could hold your mental attention?

In the very well overweight category. I'm not sure about her past looks, though she has mentioned she had to have brain surgery last year (I didn't dig into the details, it was something medical that prompted it). I'm sure that probably plays a part, but I would pretty much guarantee lifestyle is the root cause here.

The 14 y/o doesn't bother me. I haven't met her, as when planning for the date I offered options of pick you up, meet me where we are going, or meet in neutral place if you want it all to be a surprise. My thinking was this offers the ability for her to say I don't want you to meet my daughter until we are further down the road, the potential for it to feel safer, all that stuff. The kid sounds great though. And honestly I'm of an age (nearing 40) where for a long time I didn't really want kids (they suck so much time and life lol) but I don't actually have any problems with them and did think about having some at a variety of points. I feel like it's going to be >90% that someone is going to have kids at this stage in life. I'd definitely prefer no kids, but it's not really a factor.

Animosity · Mar 20, 2023

Online dating is a numbers game. Dont get set on just 1 person. Remember women get 100x the likes you do, and yes even the ugly ones. You can go on a date and have a great time and feel nothing romantically. Just brush it off as a good conversation and learning experience and move on to the next.

pharmakos · Mar 20, 2023

Animosity said:
Online dating is a numbers game. Dont get set on just 1 person. Remember women get 100x the likes you do, and yes even the ugly ones. You can go on a date and have a great time and feel nothing romantically. Just brush it off as a good conversation and learning experience and move on to the next.

I genuinely don't mean to be arrogant when I say this, but I'm a pretty good looking guy. I could stand to work out more but I'm slender, tall and dark with kind eyes, and a very big dick About once or twice a month I have a woman hit me up on Facebook because they're into me, I wouldn't even NEED to get on dating apps if I just wanted to be a fuckboy. Playing the numbers game gets overwhelming fast lol, and can lead to a LOT of drama / jealousy. Women tend to get possessive of me quick.. So i geeeeenerally just wait for them to come to me.

The majority of the relationships I've had in my life were with women that approached me first. Didn't date in high school but made up time quick in college. Last time I dated a woman who I chased rather than either her approaching me or it being a mutual thing on a dating app was 11 years ago or so.

But genuinely that is probably part of my problem. Waiting for the women who are willing to chase the cute mysterious hung guy whose life sucks is PROBABLY the reason I keep ending up with fucking psychos lol.

Of note, perhaps -- even tho I've dated five women in the last three years since my ex fiancee left me, I haven't had sex with any of them. Told myself I'm tired of sleeping around and I want my next one to be my last one. And so I bide my time.

pharmakos · Mar 20, 2023

Not sure why I went into all that. Maybe I'm starting a manic swing. Oh well, I'm leaving it.

Rod-138 · Mar 20, 2023

Sorry, yes, that was dating advice from the movie, Magnolia. It’s a joke, but myself and a cadre of guys used some of the tricks to up our chances and I did meet my wife that way.

She does say she totally forgot who I was because I tried the 14 day thing and I just stopped existing in her head, but I think she’s just saying that and it totally worked!

Hoss · Mar 21, 2023

slippery said:
So, results of date yesterday.

I don't really know how to put in words. It was fine, nothing was wrong, conversation was good. Seems to be down to Earth and reasonable. It was an enjoyable evening. I just don't feel a spark, can't decide if should continue.

Definitely give it a few dates. I've had girls grow on me because of their personality.

Hoss · Mar 21, 2023

Rajaah said:
How many women do you actually talk to?

This reminds me of all the white people who speak for black people all the time yet don't actually ever talk to real-life black people.

I haven't met a single black person ever who thought "abolishing police" was a good idea. They usually get a belly-laugh out of it and talk about how fucking stupid they all think it is. Don't tell that to the gelatinous mass of 20something overweight white chicks holding "abolish police" signs in your local park though.

Except in this case you're the green haired moldy locks chanting ACAB. I'm not even sure what you're suggesting. That I know no women? That I only know 1 token woman?

pharmakos · Mar 21, 2023

Hoss said:
Except in this case you're the green haired moldy locks chanting ACAB. I'm not even sure what you're suggesting. That I know no women? That I only know 1 token woman?

He's suggesting (rightly so) that if you don't know a single women that knows what she wants, that there is some issue with the sample you're making that assertion based on. Perhaps you were just statistically unlucky, who knows. But PLENTY of women know exactly what they want

Hoss · Mar 21, 2023

pharmakos said:
He's suggesting (rightly so) that if you don't know a single women that knows what she wants, that there is some issue with the sample you're making that assertion based on. Perhaps you were just statistically unlucky, who knows. But PLENTY of women know exactly what they want

There's nothing wrong with a sample full of strippers.

pharmakos · Mar 21, 2023

Hoss said:
There's nothing wrong with a sample full of strippers.

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