Depression

So... well. I don't know if it's the effexor. It's supposed to take 3 weeks. But I'm actually feelinggoodright now.

Just stay on it, will ya. ;-p You may feel down after the initial week or so. Hopefully it continues to make you feel good.

Oh yeah. Definitely not going to drop it. The side effects have been kind of rough to start, but I think it'll be worth it.

Its common to get some benefit right away. It takes up to 8 weeks to reach full efficacy, so hopefully it will get even better over time.

So I was able to have a long talk with my real doctor and not some fucking student. I really wasn't trying to talk my way into more drugs but after he asked me all sorts of questions I wound up with some long-term benzo whose name I forget. Ksomething. Seizure med that is also used for panic disorder? Anyway, I guess I've traded being a nervous wreck for feeling like I could fall asleep just by shutting my eyes and every morning is a hangover. But the anxiety was really getting unbearable - it's pretty goddamn ridiculous that I can be having an easy day getting my work done and getting nothing but praise for my work yet the entire goddamn time my mind is convinced I'm fucking everything up and doubting every trivial decision I make. I honestly feel compelled to get up and run away every minute that I'm here. For fuck's sake, I've gotten to where making a phone call to make a haircut appointment is something I'll put off for weeks. The idea I guess is the benzos are supposed to make work less like torture so that maybe I can get back to full time employment. (sadly, not an option at my current job despite how much they like me - the only way to have enough work would be splitting time between departments, and that shit SUCKS to deal with because it's a game of priority tug-of-war. I do it sometimes when they really need me but, ugh)

Having a hard time focusing right now so I hoped that dumping this crap here would help. And no, I haven't called a therapist yet because putting shit off that worries me is what I do. That's avoidance in a nutshell. If I'm even the slightest bit uncomfortable about something, I won't do it. Multiply that over a lifetime and, yeah, a giant snowball of consequences. All the drugs in the world do nothing if I can't change my behavior. He insists that's still possible, and that plenty of weaker people who have it much worse have managed to do it. But every step he mentions has its own 100 foot wall of problems to overcome. Fuck.

It's like he said - I know, rationally, that I shouldn't feel this way. I can rationalize away almost all of this shit. I get all kinds of positive reinforcement. And yet it doesn't go away. And changing that is HARD.

Klonopin? Yeah I'm currently withdrawing from it, and I would not recommend it unless it is the absolute last resort. Check out benzo.org.uk for some reading. Might send you into a panic attack though

Making my last tomorrow (2 months to go from 1.5mg/day to .25mg/day currently) then I'm free of this shit. Ive had a couple of days without dissociate psychosis head fog and its been nice....

Yeah that's it. Only .5 mg I think. I don't feel like I'm in a fog - more like someone who got really trashed the day before and still feeling lingering effects.

Kreugen_sl said:

Yeah that's it. Only .5 mg I think. I don't feel like I'm in a fog - more like someone who got really trashed the day before and still feeling lingering effects.

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I didnt feel any different at any dose of Klonopin. My wife said I seem less anxious on it though. The bad times came when I tried to get off of it.

Was missing it one day enough to trigger bad times? I hate that shit. Worse, it's something they won't fax to the pharmacy - meaning an hour and a half trip to pick it up, drop it off, wait around for it to get filled, etc.

Kreugen_sl said:

Was missing it one day enough to trigger bad times? I hate that shit. Worse, it's something they won't fax to the pharmacy - meaning an hour and a half trip to pick it up, drop it off, wait around for it to get filled, etc.

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No, it has a very long half life, like 24-36 hours. I mostly took it 1-2mg every other day (for sleep). My first time freaking the fuck out happened after I tried to quit it without doing research. I went 5 days without it, felt fine. Had an interview the next day so took 2mg the night before and 2mg the day of (didnt really ever make me drowsy, just stopped the racing thoughts). Nailed the interview, and figured I was done with the stuff. One week later, it was like I had smoked WAAAY too much weed and it wasnt going away. Ended up going to the ER as it was the weekend and I hadnt called in a refill.

Took about a week to get back to feeling slightly normal on 1.5mg/day. Since then ive tapered every 2 weeks, and days 3-6 after each cut are pretty terrible.

Thankfully, I have awesome support from my wife (she has been through it as well). I went into this assuming there would be physical withdrawal symptoms, which I can handle. What I didnt realize is how much this stuff fucks with your brain. I've never had suicidal/psychosis/confusion/panic/fear like this in my life (other than eating/smoking too much weed). From my reading and research, my experience isnt a minor statistic either.

Lower doses less often will help you not build a tolerance to Klonopin. Taking it 3 times a day will completely fuck up your Nucleus Acumbens and it will be very hard to stop it in the future. 0.5 mg twice a day as needed is an okay dose. I advise people that if you don't need it, hold off on it.

Vanderhoof_sl said:

Lower doses less often will help you not build a tolerance to Klonopin. Taking it 3 times a day will completely fuck up your Nucleus Acumbens and it will be very hard to stop it in the future. 0.5 mg twice a day as needed is an okay dose. I advise people that if you don't need it, hold off on it.

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I started at 1mg every other day, and pretty much kept that dose for 2 years. Occasionally i took 2mg, and then my final dose was a stupid amount looking back (night before and day of interview). Life was good so I wanted off of it. Not sure why, but it has really messed with me. After what I've went through, I don't think it should be prescribed for anything other than seizures as a last resort.

Ya. I hate benzos. A lot of people cannot take them appropriately and end up having problems. Even people who do use them as prescribed end up with problems.

Oops, apparently I was supposed to be taking it morning and night. Which means I have to drive there and pick up a new script every two weeks. Yeah that's going to get old fucking fast.

This is a reminder for me to call tomorrow to make sure.

It's a cliche, but you can't help someone that doesn't want help. At a certain point, no matter how much you care about someone, you have to just keep your own shit together and just be there when they need it.

I avoid benzo's at all costs. APA recommends starting an SSRI or an SNRI for panic disorder anyways. I give 'em Paxil, Bitches love Paxil.

Hang in there guys. I think I posted earlier in the year like I was feeling like I was relapsing back into depression. I had severe depression from ~17-21 then after it was treated I still went back and forth between feeling ok and feeling shit until now (27), it totally wrecked by the last 10 years of my life.

Everything turned around in a ridiculous way very quickly over the last few months, a relationship appeared out of nowere just maintaining an online dating profile and my retraining then slowly building experience in my career led to me getting what seems like an amazing job today. It may take time but as long as you don't trust how you feel and just keep doors open even if it seems futile (work/social/online dating) things WILL come together eventually. Worst thing I did was lock myself up in parent's attic playing games/MMOs because no job and no social life is only going to make things worse, literally no way out from that kind of lifestyle.