Depression

Well I see what people mean about not getting quality sleep on benzos. I'm too tired to be nervous, so, yay?

Holy shit this stuff is working.

I'm... actually approaching women. And enjoying myself. And not running away.

Kreugen_sl said:

Well I see what people mean about not getting quality sleep on benzos. I'm too tired to be nervous, so, yay?

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Just wait till you try to get off of them. Benzos were the first thing that actually slowed my brain down so I could sleep

For fucks sake, I'm right back where I started. I'm just so goddamn bored. I'm napping a lot, because.. fuck it, either I have nothing else worthwhile to do or I'm avoiding doing it. At work I'm the only person under 50. The only remotely interesting person to talk to for breaking up the monotony is the owner, who is hardly ever here. I'm not even lacking for work right now - I'm just too bored of it to care.

Of course, I still haven't called a therapist yet, because putting shit off is what I do. The only upside is the drugs keep me from getting too upset or panicked when I start obsessing over shit like this.

What brought this rant on is mostly because I was supposed to be at Myrtle Beach all week. But that got fucked up and at this point I might get to leave tonight and get three days - with scattered t-storms forecast every single day. There's always a mix of good beach days and shit days and that's why you go for a week. So not getting to do something is just a giant reminder of how goddamn bored I am of everything. I did the july 4th river parties, I had my birthday, there's nothing else to look forward to.

I understand that life is supposed to be boring at my age. I'm supposed to be shuttling kids from one activity to another where I get stuck having conversations with other bored parents about lawn care and fertilizer and ph balance. Nightly entertainment is supposed to be sitting in a lay-z-boy with a remote and a beer learning about the manufacturing process of large plastic chip clips. Hell, all my friend will talk about is xbox battlefield and I think I'd rather hear people talk about their lawn. But knowing this doesn't make me feel any less frustrated. Those people find ways to reward themselves somehow, but I'm not able to.

Another problem with benzos is that they can work too well, making you into a lazy slob who doesnt give a shit about anything. You SHOULD get anxious when you arent accomplishing anything. It's natures way of telling you to go fucking do something.

I don't think you should be on benzos. You sound depressed. Maybe try Paxil (after talking with a doctor first) as someone suggested?

For people with "overactive" racing thoughts and/or insomnia, I would highly recommend trying some weed. Particularly if you're one of those sleepers with very vivid dreams that wake you up. I suffered from middle of the night insomnia for years (waking at 3am and unable to fall back asleep) and NOTHING worked. Tried Ambien and it couldn't keep me asleep. Same with Lunesta. Trazodone worked for a few months, then stopped working. Valium would work, but I'd feel like roadkill the next day. I tried meditation, homeopathic shit, even yoga-- I was desperate. The lack of sleep was causing depression.

I probably hadn't smoked any weed in years, but when I went back to Canada to visit friends I indulged, and shit I had the first good night's sleep in years. Repeated it the next day to ensure it wasn't a fluke, and same result. I got more quality sleep during that one week trip than I've had in the last two years combined. Seems weed has a documented effect at suppressing vivid dreams, which was my main problem. Even when I'd sleep it would feel exhausting because it felt like my brain was trying to calculate the value of Pi while dreaming..

Ya I always notice that when I get off the wacky tobacky for awhile I start having much more vivid dreams, or at least I remember them more.

I understand that life is supposed to be boring at my age. I'm supposed to be shuttling kids from one activity to another where I get stuck having conversations with other bored parents about lawn care and fertilizer and ph balance. Nightly entertainment is supposed to be sitting in a lay-z-boy with a remote and a beer learning about the manufacturing process of large plastic chip clips. Hell, all my friend will talk about is xbox battlefield and I think I'd rather hear people talk about their lawn. But knowing this doesn't make me feel any less frustrated. Those people find ways to reward themselves somehow, but I'm not able to.

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Dude, life is not supposed to be boring at our advanced age. People that are already sitting in the fucking lazy boy every night with a beer and the remote are just running out the clock until they die. It doesn't have to be that way. Is there anything that you've dreamed about doing or learning that you for whatever reason haven't got around to trying? How about moving somewhere far, far away to someplace that you've always wanted to live? Maybe it's not baby steps that you need but drastic, risky, sink or swim action.

There's gotta be something out there that you can strive towards that will give you that spark to get back into life.

I wish I knew. I try to think of things like that all the time. I may have dreams but I don't have goals, because the only thing I'm good at is defining what I can't or won't do. Some people are unaware of their limitations - I'm a goddamn expert on mine. I can make any task impossible.

EDIT: the other replies.. I'm also on prozac, not just the benzos. But I was having enhanced panic issues on it. Globus hystericus, nervousness, etc.

I've worked part time in accounting at a real estate office for the last year and a half. I was out of work for a couple of years prior to that. I pay bills, enter housing contracts into the system, deal with fannie mae paperwork, etc. About as interesting as watching grass grow, yet thousands of people do this sort of work their whole lives.

I used to have problems sleeping and mentally attacking myself with bad thoughts at 4am making me suicidal.

Maybe it was the depression getting better which led to better sleep, but I haven't had a bad night since I started using flux:f.lux: software to make your life better

It filters out the blue light from your PC screen after sunset, you stop noticing it after a few days.

How does it make you sleep better? Are people blaming their computer screens for their fucked up circadian rhythms?

Very interdasting.

I fucking beat it.

Several months ago, I'd tried going to a gaming meet up. Just board games and people having fun at a local bar. But I had a panic attack and noped the fuck out. That's what made me realize I needed help. But I went back tonight and I had a ton of fucking fun.

I was still nervous at first. But I got into it. And I met some great people. I'm feeling fucking pumped.

Kuriin_sl said:

How does it make you sleep better? Are people blaming their computer screens for their fucked up circadian rhythms?

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As Dabamf says, your body reads blue light as sunrise and wants to stay awake.

Losing out on part of your sleep because of this may make the depression worse, it did for me.

So I was right then.

So the whole beach thing was bullshit - for whatever reason soon after asking if I wanted to go I was uninvited, and instead of telling me, he just didn't respond for a week and then made up crap about not being able to get off work ("we'll go mon or tues") or bad weather ("looks like it'll be good thurs/fri") and so on, all bullshit. Spent all week at work not knowing what things I needed to take care of because I didn't know when I'd be leaving. Put off calling a therapist because (convenient excuse) I'd be out of town. Realized how pathetic and bored I am when a week at the beach became a few days and then none. This is how I'm treated by my only friend.

Jesus fucking christ, this is getting ridiculous. So most of the side effects of the Effexor have stopped.

Except the goddamned sweating. I will be fucking sitting there, and I'll start sweating.

I'll walk around the house, and I'll start sweating.

I look like Richard Nixon over here.

Heh, sounds like the week I was on steroids. Hot flashes, wtf?

What kinda 'roids bro? Get some Winstrol, that shit will make you feel TIGHT! TIGHT!