Depression
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Izo
Tranny Chaser
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Vaclav
Bronze Baronet of the Realm
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You talked to your psych or otherwise about support groups? That's the point behind them largely - so that you get some social support and can also relate and realize how bad some other people have it and their wins and losses on dealing with things.
I really do appreciate the support I've gotten here and on reddit. I really do. I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have it, but it wouldn't be a good place. Unfortunately, I just have a hard time actually translating online relations into the same feels as in-person relations. It just doesn't "work" for me like it does others.
I tried going to group sessions... but each time, all that was going through my mind was, "I don't have it as bad as these people. Why am I here, taking up their space and time?"
I tried going to group sessions... but each time, all that was going through my mind was, "I don't have it as bad as these people. Why am I here, taking up their space and time?"
My life feels like it's in a tailspin.
So I have depression. I'm getting treatment, but it's going slowly. Some days are worse than others, but lately I've been having more bad than good. One of the biggest things fueling it is is abject loneliness. I have no friends or social support that I can lean on. In a classic catch 22, I'm depressed partly because I'm so alone, but no one wants to be around someone that's depressed and alone.
I also have social anxiety. I'm okay in small groups, but large groups make me freak out. More than ~30-50 people in an area and I'm out. But this has been a lot more managable than the depression.
I'm going back to school. I was a Physics major (though that's already going to change). I've done a single term. In that term, I had to drop two classes already, leaving me with a single class to worry about. The first I had to drop was Calculus, because they thought it'd be a good idea to have a class of 250 people. No bueno with my anxiety. The second I had to drop was my Physics class. Again, partly because of the anxiety. Also, I hated the lab with a passion. I love doing the math, but it turns out I hate doing practical labs.
But since I dropped those two classes, I fell below the financial aid threshhold. Meaning I now owe $2500 for the term. The biggest problem, though, was that my school e-mails were being forwarded to my spam, so I wasn't getting them. Which means I didn't get the notices that I needed to set up payments. So now I have to pay $1500 of that due to late payments. And I have to do that before I can enroll next term.
I also got a DUII a while back. It's a stupid story that involves 2 beers and my depression meds and me forgetting to turn on my headlights in a well-lit area, and isn't really important. I'm going through the diversion program (I really should have fought it, but that's another discussion, and it's too late anyways). So I owe $550 to the state, plus the cost of the classes ($~200 plus $60 a month for as long as they go).
And to top it all off, I'm barely staying afloat financially. I have a car payment and rent that together take half my monthly salary already. It's been really hard for me to save up any kind of safety net. My health is also suffering. I've gained 10 pounds just in the last couple months.
I just feel like I need someone to tell me what to do. To tell me what to focus on. Because I have no fucking clue. I'm spinning around aimlessly and driving myself further into a funk because it's all getting too unmanagable. And it's getting dark here.
So I have depression. I'm getting treatment, but it's going slowly. Some days are worse than others, but lately I've been having more bad than good. One of the biggest things fueling it is is abject loneliness. I have no friends or social support that I can lean on. In a classic catch 22, I'm depressed partly because I'm so alone, but no one wants to be around someone that's depressed and alone.
I also have social anxiety. I'm okay in small groups, but large groups make me freak out. More than ~30-50 people in an area and I'm out. But this has been a lot more managable than the depression.
I'm going back to school. I was a Physics major (though that's already going to change). I've done a single term. In that term, I had to drop two classes already, leaving me with a single class to worry about. The first I had to drop was Calculus, because they thought it'd be a good idea to have a class of 250 people. No bueno with my anxiety. The second I had to drop was my Physics class. Again, partly because of the anxiety. Also, I hated the lab with a passion. I love doing the math, but it turns out I hate doing practical labs.
But since I dropped those two classes, I fell below the financial aid threshhold. Meaning I now owe $2500 for the term. The biggest problem, though, was that my school e-mails were being forwarded to my spam, so I wasn't getting them. Which means I didn't get the notices that I needed to set up payments. So now I have to pay $1500 of that due to late payments. And I have to do that before I can enroll next term.
I also got a DUII a while back. It's a stupid story that involves 2 beers and my depression meds and me forgetting to turn on my headlights in a well-lit area, and isn't really important. I'm going through the diversion program (I really should have fought it, but that's another discussion, and it's too late anyways). So I owe $550 to the state, plus the cost of the classes ($~200 plus $60 a month for as long as they go).
And to top it all off, I'm barely staying afloat financially. I have a car payment and rent that together take half my monthly salary already. It's been really hard for me to save up any kind of safety net. My health is also suffering. I've gained 10 pounds just in the last couple months.
I just feel like I need someone to tell me what to do. To tell me what to focus on. Because I have no fucking clue. I'm spinning around aimlessly and driving myself further into a funk because it's all getting too unmanagable. And it's getting dark here.
Vaclav
Bronze Baronet of the Realm
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Have you done anything inpatient at all as of yet? Or just all outpatient? The focus thing is something that inpatient helped a shitload with - my focus increased tenfold with a three day inpatient visit. (Admittedly they also started me on meds, but SSRIs are supposed to take 14 days to even start showing focus improvement, so likely all learned stuff there) I do realize it's not for everyone, there was a few "Cuckoo's Nest" incidents during my stay that were temporarily alarming, but other than a few brief alarming incidents it was quite helpful, and those did teach me some tempering/ignoring skills.
On the loneliness side of things, have you ever looked into some of your personal interests with Meetup.com or something similar? With the recent move to a new area we've made tons of acquintances and a few friends doing two board game related Meetup.com groups.
Also keep in mind, with any such things, this is going to be the worst time of year - between all the holidays which tends to amplify loneliness and Seasonal Affective Disorder stuff that everyone seems to have to some degree I don't think any adult ever has their best mental health this time of year.
On the loneliness side of things, have you ever looked into some of your personal interests with Meetup.com or something similar? With the recent move to a new area we've made tons of acquintances and a few friends doing two board game related Meetup.com groups.
Also keep in mind, with any such things, this is going to be the worst time of year - between all the holidays which tends to amplify loneliness and Seasonal Affective Disorder stuff that everyone seems to have to some degree I don't think any adult ever has their best mental health this time of year.
I can't afford to do inpatient. I can't afford to take time off of work. I'm fucked in that regard.
As far as meetups... Portlanders are so fucking flaky, it isn't funny. You go to meetups and it's never the same people twice. Coupled with the the depression...
As far as meetups... Portlanders are so fucking flaky, it isn't funny. You go to meetups and it's never the same people twice. Coupled with the the depression...
Chris
Potato del Grande
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Sounds like your top priority is getting over your fear of large groups - seems like this is the main thing which has sabotaged you. You kinda come across as blaming the university for this but it is totally reasonable to expect you to be able to sit in a room with 250 people and not even have to interact with any of them. Don't take this as a fact about yourself other people have to adjust to, you can fix it.
Maybe try exposing yourself to larger and larger groups every day?
Maybe try exposing yourself to larger and larger groups every day?
Vaclav
Bronze Baronet of the Realm
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I can relate to those issues 100% - but as stated, inpatient for 3-4 days was what started me getting fixed in that regard. Don't really have advice beyond maybe Chris' - although without something like the hospital forcing me to stay which kept any "wander off and avoid people" impulses at bay you'll need more self-control than I needed in the hospital setting.
[Not that I think I'm fully fixed mind you, but all those feelings which lead into such issues are at bay - so I might be fixed, just not pushed really large noisy situations yet - but quiet ones are better now for sure]
[Not that I think I'm fully fixed mind you, but all those feelings which lead into such issues are at bay - so I might be fixed, just not pushed really large noisy situations yet - but quiet ones are better now for sure]
Kreugen
Vyemm Raider
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Pretty much everyone hates being alone in a crowd, it's simple animal instinct. The difference is how people deal with it. Some just bottle up and tolerate it for as long as they can stand, radiating a "don't talk to me" aura that makes things even worse for them - while others will react by making contact with any random stranger just to feel connected. Sometimes just a word, smile or a nod that's reciprocated and they are put at ease. Or others, like my cousin, can go into a room of strangers and leave with everyone swearing he's their life long best friend. He seems to know fucking everybody - and I bet it's because he's just as nervous as anyone else. It's just his natural reaction to reach out, while so many of us are just waiting for someone to do it for us. It's like he's so social because he stand for anyone being a stranger. Christ, he's from fuck nowhere VA and he can walk into a club in NY and be the most fascinating person in the world. You can't name a 80s or 90s band that he hasn't partied with. They should hang portraits of him in bars, that's how personable he is. And knowing what a country bumpkin he started as - it's just goddamn baffling.
It took me a long time to figure out what a profound difference it is for me being alone somewhere vs being with someone. I can't buy groceries without feeling as if I forgot to wear pants or I'm walking funny or my hair is sticking out weird or whatever, but I hardly notice that shit when I have someone else with me.
What sometimes helps for me if its a more social setting is just making a comment to nobody in particular, or responding to something that was obviously meant to be overheard for the same reason. People do it all the time - it's like birds chirping. It's fairly low risk. Hell, a funny comment is pretty much my defensive mechanism for all things nervous.
Engaging someone directly though, is pretty fucking rare again these days. Because eventually that can lead to simple small talk type questions that frankly I am too ashamed to answer right now. It was a conversation with a stranger that actually kicked off this whole round of depression, medication and so on. Because I realized I couldn't answer those simple questions truthfully.
It took me a long time to figure out what a profound difference it is for me being alone somewhere vs being with someone. I can't buy groceries without feeling as if I forgot to wear pants or I'm walking funny or my hair is sticking out weird or whatever, but I hardly notice that shit when I have someone else with me.
What sometimes helps for me if its a more social setting is just making a comment to nobody in particular, or responding to something that was obviously meant to be overheard for the same reason. People do it all the time - it's like birds chirping. It's fairly low risk. Hell, a funny comment is pretty much my defensive mechanism for all things nervous.
Engaging someone directly though, is pretty fucking rare again these days. Because eventually that can lead to simple small talk type questions that frankly I am too ashamed to answer right now. It was a conversation with a stranger that actually kicked off this whole round of depression, medication and so on. Because I realized I couldn't answer those simple questions truthfully.
Frenzied Wombat
Potato del Grande
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I find it funny how so many of the SSRI's have similar side-effects as MDMA. The few times I tried SSRI based anti-depressants I was like "this is like crappy ecstacy". Even their chem structures are similar.
Vaclav
Bronze Baronet of the Realm
- 12,650
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FW: Interesting - would explain why the wife and I have suddenly become so active with relations I guess - I just started on SSRI's and she's on like a triple dose from a month or so ago. (Seriously, we used to be once a week with me doing almost all the suggesting... now it's pushing my limits to fatigue with how often she's pursuing... I keep trying to suggest to her to slow down, but she's gone from never pursuing really to "too much" [and that "too much" does include me having to stop her at times, it's ridiculous])
Krue: I know the feeling, I was always that type online (at least in chat-based stuff like EQ - less so on forums, my babbling works well for conversation - not so much for posting), but until the hospital visit replicating that RL was just a plain old no-go. Now I'm finding that not having those stupid reservations in the back on my head that I've constantly had my entire life (i.e. will they notice my fucked up eyes/hands from my condition) is making me someone that people are naturally attracted to have part of conversations and such. I think the environment helps somewhat too, people are a ton more open to friendship down here in Florida (likely because so many haven't been here their whole life) - but it's amazing how I went from being a loner day one of the hospital to walking out having made friends with all the relatively sane people in the ward (addicts/depressives) and just making new friends left and right now without really trying.
Honestly, it's just stupid apprehensions that keep people down largely - sure, there's always a devil on your shoulder at all times - but directed inward, as mine was (and I'm sure many others are), really drags you down and makes you not so great to be around.
A combination of tolerance and meds did wonders for me but I'm sure different stuff works for different people.
Krue: I know the feeling, I was always that type online (at least in chat-based stuff like EQ - less so on forums, my babbling works well for conversation - not so much for posting), but until the hospital visit replicating that RL was just a plain old no-go. Now I'm finding that not having those stupid reservations in the back on my head that I've constantly had my entire life (i.e. will they notice my fucked up eyes/hands from my condition) is making me someone that people are naturally attracted to have part of conversations and such. I think the environment helps somewhat too, people are a ton more open to friendship down here in Florida (likely because so many haven't been here their whole life) - but it's amazing how I went from being a loner day one of the hospital to walking out having made friends with all the relatively sane people in the ward (addicts/depressives) and just making new friends left and right now without really trying.
Honestly, it's just stupid apprehensions that keep people down largely - sure, there's always a devil on your shoulder at all times - but directed inward, as mine was (and I'm sure many others are), really drags you down and makes you not so great to be around.
A combination of tolerance and meds did wonders for me but I'm sure different stuff works for different people.
