Depression

He lives in America's hat.

Tarrant, I have concerns for you, given all that you describe. Like many here, I have dealt with the Black Dog for years, and tried many, many ways to deal with it, and balance myself.

Everything changed, though, when I lost my Dad to cancer--and I was on the other side of the planet when it happened; I never even got the chance to see his body and say goodbye. It destroyed me, and completely altered my illness, and it took years to figure that out.

. I'm glad you can talk about these feelings here, but I really hope that you can find the courage to speak to a professional. Just screaming about how helpless I felt helped me; maybe something similar may help you find the right path to balance for yourself.

Feel free to message me, if I can help at all.

yeah, there's a lot to be said for "acting as if"

it gets a bit hokey, but there's this idea that the power of words is the strongest force known to man. you walk around talking about how you don't feel well, or how tired you are and that's what happens. it's not that you just convinced yourself that's how you feel.. it's that THAT is ACTUALLY how you feel. same goes for the reverse. if you feel like crap, you're tired and you hate yourself... you start talking about how happy you are, how you can't wait to go rock climbing after work, you can't wait to get up and greet the day in the morning... stuff like that... all of a sudden you're feeling better; more energetic, happier with your life.

it's clearly not an immidiate thing, and like i said taking that idea to it's logical conclusion is... well... delusional (i can fly... i can fly... i can--splat) but the point is that SPEAKING positively, makes you feel positive. speaking negatively makes you feel negative. i know a lot of people who struggle with depression, will have a little mantra that they say in the morning. they'll write down some positive things and read it outloud in the morning. /cue stuart smalley

http://youtu.be/-DIETlxquzY

Sounds like you're not left much room for yourself in all this. You're don't have to carry the burden all by yourself. It's okay to be human imho. Coping mechanisms are paradigm in dealing with this and not drown. I'd see a professional, no doubt - They know how and can teach you. It doesn't have to be dopey-dopey, if that's what you fear or see as tabu.

Treat it like a doctors appointment. Set it up and let your boss know in advance. Most sessions are about an hour so give yourself enough to travel... But still... Take off an hour or so early from work and take care of yourself.

We know how important work is for you and you've said the house are temporary... But if you got stabbed in the gut, you wouldn't wait until the busy season is over to go see someone about it.

j00t_sl said:

But if you got stabbed in the gut, you wouldn't wait until the busy season is over to go see someone about it.

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I want to second this-- depression is getting stabbed in the brain, and it puts all the chemicals out of whack. Yes, there is something to be said for maintaining a positive outlook, but you *must* be vigilant and make certain it doesn't turn into a blind "head-down-bum-up-just-keep-swimming" mentality, because then you run the risk of completely losing yourself.

The biggest thing I struggled with, and I think may come to play with you, is that life will *never* be the same again. This changes you. Traumatic family illness changes you, just as your children changed you when they were born. I lost my father, suffered a serious injury, and miscarried my first pregnancy all within the same 12 months--and in hindsight, I did more damage to myself, my ex-partner, and everyone around me by clinging to the idea that if I "just kept going/working/paying the bills/etc" that things would definitely "go back to normal." I remembered normal....surely, it was just around the corner, as soon as I got through this little hurdle...or maybe this one...or it's gotta be coming now.... You get the idea.

Your Father is sick. I urge you...if you haven't already, to do some research on what chemo can and does do to a body. It can be shocking just being around it 24/7, but if you aren't, and you see him after a few weeks of being away, you need to be prepared. Prepared enough to potentially be able to keep a warm, loving smile on your face and in your eyes when you see him, if he is doing poorly. Have something positive to talk about--something interesting. You'll run out of things to talk about after you ask him about what is going on, and how he feels. There will be that awkward pause...and you need to remember, no matter how stressed you are, he is infinitely more terrified, even if he never admits it. Don't be afraid to touch him and hold his hand; often people on chemo come to hate the nurses and doctors that are forced to give them that horrible stuff; touches of sincere affection make a great salve to that. You need to be able to explain it calmly to your children, in terms they can understand and that won't frighten them more than they already are. Sadly, I have been through chemo with my Dad, and with previous partners families...these are just a few things I've picked up.

Most important: keep that appointment. And afterwards, do something for yourself--and by yourself. There will be a lot to process. Go see a movie; have an ice cream; go to the mall and count how many teenagers with funny hair. Play GTA and beat the living crap out of everyone you see. Just something completely for you.

Then breathe.

Your personal physician's office will have a list of recommendations, likely. Might be more credible than an internet search?

Wherever you live, there should be a 24 hour depression hotline--the US Suicide Prevention Network is 1-800-273-TALK (8255.) You don't have to be suicidal to speak to them; they are there just to listen, especially in the middle of the night when Monday, or your actual appointment, seems so far away. Alternatively, you can *always* speak with Hopeline @ 1-800-442-HOPE (4673).

Keep in touch with us, okay?

Archangel_sl said:

Wherever you live, there should be a 24 hour depression hotline--the US Suicide Prevention Network is 1-800-273-TALK (8255.) You don't have to be suicidal to speak to them; they are there just to listen, especially in the middle of the night when Monday, or your actual appointment, seems so far away. Alternatively, you can *always* speak with Hopeline @ 1-800-442-HOPE (4673).

Keep in touch with us, okay?

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Lurkingdirk approves this post.

I recently started taking a yoga class a couple times a week and I highly recommend it. I had a terrible shitty day today, on the verge of tears all day, was dead set on not going because I was not at all in the mood to leave my house, but I forced myself to go and I am super happy I did. It is amazing how it takes you completely out of your head and relaxes your mind and body. I came home totally different.

I know it is considered a chick thing, but there are always a few guys in my class too. It is really helping, so if you are even the least bit interested, give it a shot.

I've been dealing with depression and bipolar disorder for the last decade or so. I've learned to cope with it, live with it.

There's at least two puzzles with depression that you need to solve. The first is to recognize and accept that the chemistry in your head is fucked up. It's not you, you aren't fucked up. You don't feel down. It's just the chemicals man, and you can do some things to alleviate that. Drink something and then move around. Get some sunlight. The chemical funk tends to ease off a bit. If it's serious you'll want to get meds. They're a crap shoot but they do help once you and your doctor find the coctail that "works".

The second puzzle is the malaise and nihilism. This is the kind of "depression" most people go through at least once. The best thing I can say about this part of depression is some bullshit tagline I heard from a therapist that stuck with me. "Depression is mourning what you lost or what could have been". I'm not really sure if that means anything to anyone else, but it made sense to me. It's mourning some shit that went wrong that can never be fixed. DON'T GET STUCK HERE. The only way out is to set yourself a goal. Do something that's challenging. That way you can push yourself into motion and put your focus on things you can change or that you do have control over. Stoicism really helped with this. Accepting what you have control over and what you don't.

Depression is a mother fucker. Good luck.

See a trained clinical/counseling psychologist who is adamant about using empirically supported treatments. For depression that will likely mean CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), though mindfulness-based therapies are showing a lot of promise. Anyone who is into psychoanalysis or tries to push some kind of unique therapy is full of shit. Also check where they were trained at. There are lots of degree-mill PsyD schools with questionable training and accreditation.