Depression

I'm on a dragon boat team, but they're pretty much all older. I do some music composing. I used to write, though that's kinda gone by the wayside. Other than that, I'm going to school and working. The school thing is kind of a non-starter, too, because I'm an older student. As far as other hobbies... I just don't know any social hobbies I'd be into.

Just go out there and be around people. Rejection is a pretty good distraction from loneliness.

Easier said than done...

I've gone 30 years without having any of the formative experiences people go through.

Troll_sl said:

Easier said than done...

I've gone 30 years without having any of the formative experiences people go through.

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Yeaaaah, you're full of shit.

I dunno about that. I've felt the same way for a long time and while things are much different now I still feel that way. I'm 36 now and from 16 to 26 I never held a full time job. Hell I barely held a part time job here and there. I had 1 girlfriend in that time. I rarely spent time in out in public mingling like normal people in that age range do. All because of non stop medical issues. I've had years of chemo. Something like 6 or 7 surgeries. A few of them major. I spent more time in 2002 in the hospital than out. There were days I would go without uttering a single word out loud.

Even now that things are much different, I am married (10 years in May) and we're expecting our first child in a few weeks, I still feel socially inept. Hell my wife and I met online. I didn't feel I could ever meet someone in public. Small talk with anyone other than someone I am close with is a skill I just do not have. I work at a grocery store part time and if I'm there shopping and start chatting with a friend at the end of a conversation sometimes I'll just walk away without saying anything. And then I'm good bye'ing behind my back as I'm walking away. It's like I'm a functional retard when it comes to social interactions sometimes I swear.

So I can 100% relate to what Troll is saying. I really feel I was robbed out of a lot of formative experiences from being sick for such a long constant period of my life.

You may have missed some shit, maybe even a lot of shit, but Troll saying 'I have gone 30 years without having any of the formative experiences people go through' is hyperbole of the highest order.

Ok I'll give you that. 30 years is a bit excessive.

So 30 years is hyperbolic. How's 16-17 sound?

I went undiagnosed when my depression first set in. It's not hyperbole that I had no friends in high school. I wasn't even part of the nerd crowd or the band geeks. I didn't do any of the things kids do in high school because I was alone. I went to school, then went home. That was my life. After, I barely started college before dropping out. I didn't hold down jobs. In fact there were whole years I was unemployed and didn't even look. And I got huuuuge. Up to 450 lbs. Could barely get up the stairs without getting out of breath. And of course I had no illusions about how disgusting I looked, so I learned to make myself as invisible as I could. As invisible as a nearly half-ton human can be. I dressed plainly. I didn't talk. I kept to the edges of groups of people.

Throughout this my parents gave up on me. Stopped trying to talk to me. To be fair, though... I wasreallygood at hiding it. And I just got worse and isolated myself even more.

It wasn't until I met a girl on a rare good day that I actually started changing. Wanting to change. This was about 5-6 years ago now. She was everything neckbeard-self thought he wanted. But I knew nobody would ever want me. I was at my peak weight. So, somehow, I was able to buckle down and start losing that weight. I dropped ~200 lbs. in 2 years. The whole time I was thinking, "This'll make me happy. I'll be happy once I'm through."

Nope. It was just ripping the bandaid off the flesh wound. It exposed the deeper problem I've had since the beginning of high school.

So, riding that wave of actually doing something to make myself better, I signed myself up for therapy. My first therapist was okay, but was too interested in pseudoscientific modalities for me to keep seeing here (seriously, if you tell me to research something, I'm damn-well going to PubMed or arxiv or whatever). Second therapist was great. But the wound is still bleeding. It's getting bigger, in fact. I'm feeling things now, too, which only makes it worse.

And the reason is my loneliness.

In this whole time, I've not had a friend. Not a single person I could go to talk to. My parents have shut themselves down emotionally. I don't even knowhowto connect to people anymore. Sociality is a muscle that you have to flex or it atrophies. Mine's turned into Sloth from Se7en.

I'm almost 31 now. My entire adult life has been spent in almost total isolation.

I haven't read much of this thread so my apologies if someone already said this or you're already doing this.

Do yourself a favor and start going to the gym. Clearly you can lose weight having dropped that much in 2 years. That's not the point of going. Get yourself out of the house and moving. Get that blood flowing. Maybe sign up for a class here and there. Meet people in them. You don't need to look for a hook up or anything. Just make some human contact. You aren't going to learn how to be around people if you aren't around people. Trial by fire.

See this is one of those very rare moments when I actually feel vaguely thankful for my autism, because my life has been no better than Troll's life, but because I'm so emotionally crippled I don't feel nearly as bad about it. I mean granted if it weren't for the undiagnosed autism my life wouldn't have been so awful, so it's a bit of a catch 22. I guess I can say the autism has made me more capable of bearing the awful life that the autism has bestowed on me.

But seriously, your 'sociality is a muscle that you have to flex or it atrophies' bit is just some crybaby bullshit. I had a whole 'let me show you what a battle with depression is really like' rant planned, but I couldn't figure out a way to say it without sounding condescending and that wasn't the attitude I wanted to convey. Let's just say that I empathize pretty directly with most of your problems, but mine go all the way back to at least first grade, and I never let my weight go quite as bad as you did although I do currently weigh the most I ever have in my life. I actually found a therapist that I liked and who knew how to talk to me without running me off, but I stopped seeing him because I find it hard to care about my problems, even though that lack of caring is going to lead me to suicide at best, and far darker things at worst.

I know you're not likely to listen to some dude on some random forums, but man just get out there and start getting rejected. As long as you don't go all fetal after your first rejection and go back to hiding in a cave, rejection is better than loneliness. You may not realize it, but it's not that hard for even an overweight mentally ill dude to end up in a relationship. Even if that relationship turns out to be a trainwreck, which it probably will, a trainwreck is better than no relationship at all, and maybe in the middle of all those trainwrecks you find something actually decent. Hell, even if you NEVER have anything beyond a chain of trainwreck relationships, I guarantee that will be better for your mental health than hiding in a cave like a troll.

So I had sort of a--wake-up call? Perspective adjustment? Kick in the shins?--in my last therapy session. Despite those last couple of posts (which I may have been a little tipsy for... I know, bad idea)... I'm actually doing really well. In under a year, I've gone from having crippling depressive episodes and social anxiety to almost completely ridding myself of the worst of the social anxiety and getting the depression to the point where I'm almost able to fully manage it. Wellbutrin hasn't made me artificially happy like Effexor did, but it's made it so I don't slip into depressive spirals that I can't dig out of. I have a friend, which is the first time in those 15-16 years I can actually say that.

So maybe I'm just pushing myself too hard. I don't know. I think I tend to do that. Especially when it comes to something mental like this. I expect more of myself than I should. I know I'm capable of amazing willpower... 200 lbs lost in 2 years testifies to that. But, well... maybe I do just need to take a breath. Just stop for a bit.

I'm sorry I've been such a shit.

It's not easy even for well adjusted people. Which few of us are. Shit's brutal.

There's no trick to it. You just have to forget yesterday, don't worry about tomorrow. Concentrate on today. I know it sounds vapid and trite and isn't all that helpful, but that's seriously all it is. Sometimes today will be better than other todays. If you can do that then friendships will happen.

It is very very strange that just being yourself is one of the hardest things to do. Every last one of us covers with smalltalk and smalljokes. Don't believe the television or the storybooks. Actual friendship is a rare thing to find in this world. If you can find a way to be content with friendliness, life will be somewhat less miserable.

Troll_sl said:

I'm sorry I've been such a shit.

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Apology accepted, don't let it happen again.

I have a question for anyone that has turned around their life. It's been over 10 years since I last worked a real job. Now I'm going back to school to get a degree, thank you tax payers. How much did your extensive time off working effect your job search and employment opportunities? This is my main fear and source of anxiety atm.

It's going to have an impact. It's going to make landing an interview much tougher but not impossible. What field you are going into will also have an effect. With that said, the most important thing is to be prepared to explain those 10 years in a way that doesn't scare off potential employers. You can't control who will and will not grant you an interview. So you need to be prepared to account for yourself in the most positive manner possible for those interviews you do get.

Meh as long as you were working. Explain you got in a routine and came to your senses and decided you wanted more or something.

So how can people understand depression if it is still such a confusing issue for medical professionals.
So this last week while in hospital they asked me about Anxiety and my history of it since it was in my records. I mentioned I had depression waaay back for awhile but mostly I just had anxiety around people about 10 years ago and again when my brother died 8 years ago and took Zoloft for it. I said since then I had taken serotonin or Zoloft twice more as boosters just to keep anxiety under control a few months but none in the past year and so forth.

Pretty basic and normal answers right?
I had a doctor come in and ask me to rate my depression lately. I said I didn't really have any. He asked if I was not mad/sad/having thoughts of this and that and blah blah and I said sure, but it isn't on a depression scale it is everyday life shit.
Those of you who have had depression know what I am talking about. Just cause you stumble your foot, have a shitty dinner or morning the loss of something you loved doesn't mean you are depressed. It is 2 totally different things.
He looked at me confused and asked why I had it in my chart from day before I was suffering anxiety/depression and should be watched. I said I have no idea. I simply told them my past issues.


So why is it when you even mention of 8 years ago I had something horrible happen in my life, but I was given this, I did this, and went through this a few years and have it under control but it ALWAYS GETS WROTE DOWN THAT XXX IS FUCKING CRAZY?

Sounds like a simple miscommunication. Medical professionals are humans too. I wouldn't worry too much about it, Olebass.

How do you feel about the hospitalization and your health issues?

Izo_sl said:

Sounds like a simple miscommunication. Medical professionals are humans too. I wouldn't worry too much about it, Olebass.

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Oh I'm not, but I have noticed every single time I went to a new doctor and mentioned something long ago is response to a question they write it down as such. Doesn't matter if it is anxiety, depression, or what. Somehow a broken foot with arthritic pain becomes my foot grew into a tree stump which started producing a truffle army of mushroom hunters who wiped out humanity type of thing.
Then that shit sticks in your record till the next doctor fucks it up.

maybe they were hoping to tack some more meds onto your bill