Depression

Oh great, another mental case amod.

Seriously, though, do talk to someone about it. That kind of shit will mess you up if you just let it sit and fester. Most of us get to go through life only having to deal with the reality of death up close the one time. You rolled snake eyes. Hopefully you can learn and grow from it, and cherish the time you do have more.

Also, to be blunt, if you're ever unfortunate enough to have a random stranger get murdered in front of you again, just fucking nope your way out of the situation. I seriously doubt that your job entails a legal or ethical obligation to perform CPR on a corpse until an EMT shows up to officially say you're wasting your time.

Fuck man I still remember the goddamn cat I sat with as it passed because its owner didn't care. It was a barn cat that lost the lottery and had its kidneys destroyed by the 2007 melamine contamination, so at least she brought it in to be put down when she realized it was suffering. fuck i wish we could fucking nuke china. goddamn garbage country full of garbage sub-humans.

anyway point is bad enough doing that for a goddamn cat, no way would i do that for a human unless it was family and i was literally the only other person around.

My two cents as an RN who has seen and been involved in some shit: however you feel is better than it would be had you stood around and done nothing but watch the man die. You witnessed something terrible and that may not leave you. But every time the memory rears it’s head, try to also remember that you absolutely did what was right. You cared enough and you tried.

Tarrant said:

I appreciate the kind words. I’ve done work provided crisis counseling the last couple days and I’m not sure it’s helped much, I don’t really enjoy talking about it and that seems to be all they want to do.

we reopened today for part of the day, I find I can’t walk over the spot where he was, that’ll probably pass over time.

just taking it day by day. I tell you what, my respect for EMTs has gone up about a million times. Those are some special people.

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You stood in the rain. But you didn't drown, despite it being hopeless. Respect.

Its helped me before to consider the uncounted people that die every day that I don't give a shit about.

I know it sounds stupid and maybe callous but it provides a bit of perspective. Which sometimes a little bit goes a long way. And sometimes it don't.

If it helps at all the dude was a piece of shit.. The world is better off without that trash.

In 1993, he threw a cement block at some women who were at the scene of a fight.

In 1995, Hodges was charged with first-degree child abuse, which carried a 15-year felony.

He was charged after seriously assaulting his 16-day old child.

According to Chief Assistant Prosecutor Phillips, the child was brain-damaged and was left blind and deaf, and later passed away.

Hodges served 15 years in prison in connection to that incident.

Up until 2020, Hodges was in and out of prison and was also on probation multiple times after being involved in multiple instances of domestic violence and harassment.

According to Chief Assistant Prosecutor Phillips, Hodges made multiple threats to kill victims, to burn their homes down and even strangled some of them.

I'd actually feel a lot worse if I gave myself PTSD over a piece of human garbage.

I've been through a lot of shit in the last several years. I bitch a lot. The depression has suddenly started stacking up pretty bad. I got out today and did some walking around and went to Lowes for a few minutes which is a big accomplishment for me. I'm hoping the new prescription for adderall helps let me get up and do something/anything.

I really don't know what else to do. I'm in MS now with my parents visting some doctors and having my stuff transfered to new ones. I talked to some friends. I messaged a few on facebook which was less than zero help seeing all their stuff.

I'm venting obviously. I know I need to get up and excersize the energy is just not there. The root of the problem is not so much the pain as it is more "nobody knows".

I had early 30's depression / anxiety but the cure is:

- exercise
- maintain non-obese weight
- quit caffeine (ever woken up at night feeling weird? that's caffeine) you can still drink decaf
- healthy diet, minimal sugar

Quitting caffeine and anxiety went 100% away in a week or two.

Has anyone here found that the side effects or "changes" from taking an SSRI based anti-depressant persisted indefinitely even after stopping the drug?

About 10 years ago my mother was dying, my GF had dumped me, and my boss at work was basically a psychopath. I was depressed, had constant anxiety and ruminating thoughts, and was getting like 3 hours a sleep a night-- I was a wreck. After living that hell for about three months I went to see my doc and asked for some Xanax. He instead prescribed Lexapro, and despite my concerns over SSRI side effects he basically told me if they are bad, you just stop taking the drug and they go away. That was confirmed by the literature as well at the time. The lexapro did make me feel better, not by making me happy, but by making me emotionally numb. When you are overcome by constant grief, a numb like emptiness is actually a huge improvement. It only marginally helped with my sleep issues and totally killed my libido, but I didn't care at the time due to life circumstances. Four months later I quit the drug as I no longer had the stressors in my life and wanted to actually have a desire to watch porn again and get laid, and unlike most I had zero withdrawal symptoms, but very little changed as well. Libido barely recovered and the general emotional apathy persisted. My sleep also continued to be fucked, and for the last decade I get a shitty 5 hours sleep, and if I don't smoke weed before bed I have horrible vivid dreams. I'd go back to my doc and describe these problems, asked if they had anything to do with the Lexapro, to which he said absolutely not, and in fact my symptoms are of further depression and I should go back on an SSRI. Since Lexapro as the persistent cause was ruled out, I instead blamed these symptoms on a combination of getting old and some sort of mental "break" from being an emotional wreck for multiple months. I basically for the most part accepted that recognizing a women as hot, but not feeling anything emotional/physical would be the new norm. That nothing would bring pleasure and excitement like it once did. I remember describing to the doctor that I used to get feelings of excitement for a new movie, video game, or hot date. Now I simply recognize that these things should make me happy, but I have no physiological capacity to actually feel it. I'll play a great video game because it's entertaining, but that feeling I used to have at work to get back home and play has been totally wiped out. Again, both his suggestion and that of a psych was more SSRI's, which I refused as I couldn't fathom why I would actually want to make my shitty libido even worse. Their answer was that my libido and apathy were symptoms of depression, even though I told them I don't feel depressed, I just don't feel much at all. I'm fucking Spock.

So for the past decade I've had these short periods that come and go where libido has come back, only to escape again. Sex feels mechanical rather than that blissful fugue it once did. The emotional apathy has always persisted as well. Every year I'd once again see my GP, lament my condition, and once again refuse an SSRI.. Miraculous life changing relief was achieved by taking Wellbutrin-- I felt like my old self again, but then the drug stopped working after a month and I was back to my original state. About four months ago I was once again due for an annual, and once again lamented how my general apathy and emotional range sucks. I literally said "I make great money, I have a great job, I can pickup most women when I care enough to do so, I am healthy-- I RECOGNIZE that I should FEEL happy, but it's like some sort of mind/body link has been severed". He once again suggested an SSRI, Trintellex, but prefaced it with the claim of "very low rate of sexual side effects". So I said why the fuck not, might as well try, I have no other options. Keep in mind at this point that I still hadn't attributed my last decade of problems to taking lexapro, as both doctor/shrink dismissed that, almost becoming annoyed at the suggestion. So I take the trintellex, and by day three it felt like a door literally closed on whatever remained of my libido-- it was jarring, probably because unlike when I went on Lexapro, I wasn't actually depressed. So I immediately stopped the drug, let my doc know, and assumed my libido would come back to its previous low levels.. 1 week. 1 month. 3 months-- still no change. Went back to my doc, told him my sex drive was nil, T levels are fine, and again he declares that it has to be something else..

So I start researching low sex drive and anti depressants, and I came across a condition called PSSD. A condition it seems the Pharma companies and shrinks have done their best to downplay or even suppress over the years, even managing to have its Wikipedia page removed. Though my state isn't as bad as some of these people (thank God), the ones with a more intermediate level condition is like reading a diary. Worst of all there seems to be no effective treatment.

So, has anybody else noted persistent side effects after stopping antidepressants? Do these patient stories ring a bell with anybody else?