Girls who broke your heart thread

ToeMissile said:

There"s a lot of (beware touchy feely new-age bs incoming) growing up and "figuring out who you are"/self discovery kind of stuff that happens right around that age and later (pretty much forever but that"s beside the point). Like Lenaldo said, you have to let each other go.

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I didn"t initially mention this, because it"s hard to know what"s relevent and what isn"t, and if I"d posted everything we"d talked about toward the end, the post would have been 2-3x as long, but she did talk about not understanding what was going on with herself, feeling like things changed, and being very anxious while around the house. She also mentioned wanting to learn some things about herself.

Whyme said:

This is it. Having been in your situation very recently (except I was the one breaking up), I can"t stress how pervasive of a feeling this is.
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Your successful, and obviously interesting enough to land a hot girl; she is the one that"s in trouble, even though it might take her a long time (re: years) to figure this out.
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it will be something that you and her can share and will help to mitigate that desire to just stay home and watch tv, which is really just a slow death for most relationships if don"t have anything else.

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Shitty. Right now, I"m hoping for something a little faster than years, but I don"t plan to hold on to that hope. We did do other things, though. Recently, we"d been planning out how to repaint and redecorate the house, we"d gone to a stand up comedian"s show, and to a concert. I think we"d have done more if she hadn"t started to pull away, but I"ll take the advice; I could stand to spend more time outside.

Brad2770 said:

Well, I just took the time to read it and it made me sad. i teared up some, actually. Your story is not exactly like mine.

Do not be fooled. My ex was exactly as you described "Karen". But what you believe to be true (what she used to be and what she is telling you now) is not true anymore. You can"t believe her and shouldnt believe her anymore. Not right now, anyways.
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If she wants things to be done, then it needs to be done. No ties. No reasons to come back. With her stuff still in your house, she will always use that as a reason to check up on you, but disguise it as a trip to gather items she needs.

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Sorry. One thing that"s nice is that she"s really uncertain right now and the last few times we talked, she expressed that rather than feeding me bullshit. She doesn"t know what she wants, she doesn"t have long term plans, and she"s happy that way (right now). The only reason the stuff is still here is that we"re waiting on her dad to be available with his truck; there"s some furniture that needs to go.

lost said:

I also believe in making things work but just comes a point where its their decision not yours. I never like to feel like I didnt give it my all or try this idea out or that, just so looking back I dont regret anything.

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Amen. I"d never get over it if I somehow felt I didn"t do everything I could. Fortunately, I know that "everything I could" currently consists of keeping apart. Given an opportunity to make it work, I"d have done "anything" to try and make her happy. The quotes are because I don"t mean it in the sick "I"ll-change-everything-about-myself-to-suit-your-whims" sense; I"m a good person and I"m happy with myself. I simply acknowledge there are things I could tweak as far as priorities and whatnot.

I"d like to add something, because of how common it recently got. If you"ve been with someone since you were both young, and someone in the relationship never had the "party phase", watch out. I"ve seen it happen with 2 friends recently, and I"d say about 5 total. Guys that were married since they were 20 or so, and now are 30+ dating annoying club girls and getting wild. A good friend of mine actually broke up with his wife, he"s 29 and they were dating since the age of 16.

It happens a lot, and the closer to 30 I get, the more I seem to see it.

Fuck the party year "break" thing, now you aren"t dating a pure creature who lacks STDs!

God this thread is depressing me.

Sounds like she needs to establish her own identity. At 19 she was living with you and having you provide for her, but she was just a server and hadn"t finished school yet. There is implicit pressure in that circumstance. Even if you as a person don"t put any pressure on her (it doesn"t sound like you did), being in that circumstance does.

Ultimately it doesn"t sound like there was any mistake or wrongdoing or anything on anyone"s part. It sounds like one of those shitty situations and no one to blame. If that"s true, recognize it. Don"t be one of those weak people who lash out on her, or on yourself for mistakes you *might* have made. Some events in life just suck and you can"t avoid it.

In college I dated a girl for a year, the most perfect relationship possible in every way. She was 19, I was 21. I was ultra shy and asocial in high school so my social life had only begun at 19 when I went to college. We broke up because *I* needed to be single again and let loose. Aka I hadn"t fully established my identity, and needed to be on my own in order to do it.

If she"s doing all this now, I give her props for having the foresight to know what she needs to do to be a complete person. One of the proudest decisions of my life was breaking up w/ my gf in college even though at the time I still wanted to be together. I looked into the future and knew what was going to happen, so I cut it off then because I didn"t want to deceive her or cause any prolonging of the pain. It was without question the most difficult and painful thing I"ve ever done, but I couldn"t be more proud that I had the courage to see what needed to be done and do it. Most people are afraid to let something like that go because they may never get it back. Almost 3 years later, I still think about her every now and then (but I don"t allow myself to indulge in the thought of hope for years in the future), but I"m still not ready to settle down completely.

Moral of the story is this: the situation blows for you, but she is likely handling it the best way possible for the both of you. Don"t burn bridges, but don"t wait around. At that young age, who knows what kind of person she will be when she becomes an independent woman with a career, who knows if she will still be into you, and if you will still be into her. And you also don"t know, even if you guys ultimately will be perfect for each other, how long it will take her to establish her own identity and be ready for a long term relationship.

Move on and let it go. Don"t pretend to move on just so you appear attractive to her, actually do it. There may be a chance that in 6 months, a year, 5 years, that she will come back to you and things will be perfect. But that is impossible to know.

You only have 1 life, do you want to waste your irreplaceable time indulging yourself in a baseless hope? Or do you want to take the hand you"re dealt and make the most of it.

As long as you hold out hope that she"ll come back, you"ll never get over her.

Spork, a lot of the guys here have shocked me with their optimism and maturity.

Personally I can almost guarantee that if she"s not already seeing someone else, she"s attempting to. I too was once in your position, attempting to figure out wtf I was doing wrong. It"s not about you. She"s decided, arbitrarily, someone else is a better fit for her and is attempting to manuever a way to break up with you, make you think it"s your fault, and then get with some other guy who she has probably picked out months ago.

Bottom line, she"s already made her decision. You can act like a little bitch and get no respect for it or you can move on with your life and hold your head high.

I know this sounds crass and retardedly chauvinistic etc etc. I used to hold girls in the highest esteem and would have never imagined myself saying these things. In fact when I read "she would never do such a thing" vis a vis cheating it was like I was reading my own thoughts from a few years ago.

Save yourself the years of agony and self-doubt, the self-pity for being so stupid and just know the game for what it is. The reality is that you will regret the end of this relationship for the rest of your life because it was beautiful and you loved her. But it"s more or less dead and there"s nothing you can do about it. Just don"t ever let her know how much it killed you inside.

The true irony is that if you really pull it off well, that being the visage of "fine, fuck you, I"ve got better things to do with my time" she will change her mind and try to resolve the relationship. But it won"t heal and she"ll change her mind at some point in the future.

There"s other girls out there, and it may take a few years to find one that is worth the risk of dealing with this shit, but cut the bait on this one and save your dignity.

Just an anecdote from yesterday, followed with a quick question:

So I walked in to a watch/sunglass/accessory store at a mall.There were two girls working, both in their early 20"s. I didn"t really give either much notice when I walked in. I asked if I could take a look in one of the cases, and the brunette came over. Like I said I hadn"t even looked at her previously. When she got closer I realized she was actually fairly cute, just not dressed up at all or really trying to look decent, but she appeared to have a nice body and decent face.

She opened up the case and I started picking out and trying on various sunglasses. She just stood there a couple feet away, and didn"t say anything nor did I request her opinion for the 3-5 minutes I was trying on glasss. Eventually I found a sweet pair of woodgrain Smith"s, said I"d take em, and she made a quick remark about those being pretty cool. I don"t think we"d even made eye contact at that point.

When I went up to the counter, the other girl (not very attractive) started ringing in the sale. She asked for my phone number, and then name, and then she confirmed "your address is X?" I was kind of surprised since I"d never shopped there before, and right away she said "oh we"re hooked up with the White pages, by the way." The brunette, who"s cleaning the glasses and packaging them up right away jumps in with "haha yeah because we"re TOTALLY stalking you" and one or two other quick comments, something about them making such good money there she could afford to stalk on the side. I think that was actually the first time I even took a good look at her face and made eye contact. I laughed, made a quick comment back, and left it at that. Truth be told I was kind of stoned, and pot makes me feel incredibly socially awkward out in public.

The brunette then made a comment to the other girl, something about "feeling old." She said something else but I wasn"t really paying attention. She then proceeded, behind the counter and directly in front of me, to grab her ankle/shins and start stretching her legs up behind her back, to the side etc. Apparently she"s some sort of dancer or something. This goes on for 30-60 seconds as my sale is completed. The other girl hands me the little baggy, I say thanks to both and leave.

I guess the question is, was that bullshit with the legs really just blatantly obvious flirting? Is that a genuine indication of interest? Or is that just her doing what she does normally and not an explicit display of interest specifically in me (she just likes the attention)? It just seemed so contrived and obvious, I thought chicks were supposed to be subtle about that shit.

Im far from an expert but Id say with something like that shes either like that with everybody or shes a freak. If shes like that with everybody you can take her out and get friended or fucked depending on how you play it. If shes a freak you can take her out and get fucked.

I think she"s just totally fucking crazy, Eomer.

I have to say this, why are you guys being such pussies about asking girls out? I mean one of the guys asked for a girls number over facebook with the pretense of wanting spa gift certificates.... Seriously.

Women fucking hate that shit; it creeps them out.

You got her number off the AIDS walk list?!?!

I want to point out here that I am far from scared to get a girl"s number.

I just scare them after we hang out once or twice.

Ronaan said:

Met a friend of a friend during town festival and she"s cute. A bit on the chubby side for my standards maybe (not fat, but not really thin either). Nice personality though. We only talked some, joked around a bit, had a few beers... I think I met her every day of the 4 days I went there.

Wednesday when things were closing up for the day and we parted ways (group of 6 or 8 people, as usual), I told her to "just call me". She gave me a blank stare, a nod, and a "uh huh". Her not having my number might me the reason for that response

Time to turn that shit around and see how far she will go to get my number - that"s what I thought after too many beers.

It worked though. Got the first message on friday while I was on a motorbike trip.
Not sure what"s going to happen really.

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Saw this one again last night at the last day of our town festival and it was obvious she was happy to see me there. It was also very obvious that she was sad to see me leave early.
A radio station had Eric Burdon playing in my town tonight so we met and went there. Sat around and talked a bit, she"s nice enough and all that... but I don"t think it"s going anywhere.

Sometimes it felt like she was waiting for me to make a move though. Yeah, fat chance with this guy. You all know better than that

Whatever. Don"t think we have any common interests really.

Next.

Ronaan said:

Saw this one again last night at the last day of our town festival and it was obvious she was happy to see me there. It was also very obvious that she was sad to see me leave early.
A radio station had Eric Burdon playing in my town tonight so we met and went there. Sat around and talked a bit, she"s nice enough and all that... but I don"t think it"s going anywhere.

Sometimes it felt like she was waiting for me to make a move though. Yeah, fat chance with this guy. You all know better than that

Whatever. Don"t think we have any common interests really.

Next.

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A wise man once said "you can"t next a girl until you sleep with her." if you were interested enough to post once about her, you may not next her! Yea it"s a little dogmatic but I live by it because it prevents backwards rationalization ("oh I didn"t really like her anyway" after I puss out on making a move or something).

Eomer, I wanna say this is a girl that, if you can do so confidently, you can drop all the subtleties and just look her in the eye and say "come over to my place tonight" and bone her without any qualifying or faked interest. Of course I don"t know that I could bring myself to do it personally, but I want you to!

I"m on vacation right now, just got back from japan, but since my school is freaked about swine flu I can"T go to work for a week. So today I got up early to do some Korean studying and stop by the cute coffee shop girl, but she was fucking off forthe first day ever. A girl I had never seen was there and asked "are you soandso?" I"m like yea how"d u know? "oh I heard about you". My status is so high there they not only talk about me frequently but openly confess the fact. How the hell do I work with that kind of expectation?

Now it"s like I got no where to go but down. I did determine though that I"m gonna try to show the more quirky unusual side of my personify from the getgo when deimg with korean girls. I figure there"s a certain allure being a good looking blonde white guy and the more normal I am the more I lose that. Since I have no intention/expectation of finding a serious gf here I don"t mind experimenting w/ diff ways of sorta faking my approach.

This isn"t a post about a love interest or a girl I had been dating, nor is it a post asking advice about love. It is a post asking for advice on how to deal with the situation I am in with a girl I"ve known for the past year, as a friend..and firmly in the friend zone. Which I was ok with.

Some background about this girl. A lot younger than me (20 vs. 38), engaged (now married), pretty, and a co-worker. Not sure how to sum up a years worth of friendship without writing a novel, so much happened and was said between us that could give more meaning to the current situation, but I don"t really want to write it all out. I think it would be safe to say that we became good friends, close friends even, so lets leave it at that. But some info about that past two months would be good share, since some atypical things happened in that time.

Now in June, her fiancee got a promotion which required him to go out of state for training two weeks at a time (away two weeks, back two weeks). This training lasted until the last week of July (they got married on Aug 1st). During this time, her and I spent a lot of time together while her fiancee was away...lunches together away from work, some movies, even went to a carnival. Fun times.

She did some odd, unexpected things though. On at least three occasions while we were at lunch, she openly lied to her fiancee about who she was having lunch with, either saying there were other people with us, or that she was alone. I never asked why, but she did mention more than once that he felt "left out" by not being the one to spend so much time with her. Another oddity, I guess, was a day when he was back in town, yet we went and had lunch together.

She mentioned that the previous night they had had a big fight, and while we were sitting in my car he txts her...they start arguing again, and eventually they start talking via voice, and she lied to him about where she was. They get into yelling match over the phone about various touchy subjects between, enough was said that she starts to cry and she just hangs up. That kinda sucked, imo. Take all that as you will about how she is, and about what our friendship was like.

At the start of July, while having a break together with some other people, she mentions that they might need to find an usher for their wedding, since the first guy couldn"t get the day off, the second guy had just broken his foot, and she didn"t know whether the third guy would be able to do it or not. Now before I thought about it, I told her I would be happy to be her usher if it turned out she needed another...at the time it didn"t sink in that I would be like their third choice (and to be honest, at the time I didn"t think she had even considered me to be one...she had her hopes set on this third guy and I couldn"t think of any reason why he would refuse her).

I had already been invited to the wedding/reception, and was happy to be going as a guest. So a few days later she asked me if I still wanted to be an usher since the third guy couldn"t, this was asked via a txt message, and when I read it, I just sat there for several minutes feeling that I should refuse, but in the end I couldn"t bring myself to disappoint her, so I accepted.

A few days later while we were sitting in her car after our lunch, I ask her why this other guy decided not to be an usher. She rattled off some stuff about how he too much other things to do, and how he would feel uncomfortable not knowing anyone else in the ceremony, and it was pretty clear that she was frustrated that he wasn"t going to an usher. Thing is, she also mentioned that she just wanted to pick someone who would keep the other usher company, that it didn"t matter who. Not too clear on what she said exactly, all I know is that it made me feel that my being an usher in her wedding didn"t mean anything to her. Just felt odd.


Things between her and I got a bit strange after that, we had lunch a few more times, but she bailed on doing other things that she agreed to do at the time it was brought up , like going to see various movies, having dinner at a couple restraunts to see which was better, and one night when we were talking about how we both liked taking walks she at first agreed to go for one right then, but changed her mind a few minutes later saying "if it weren"t so late I would go"...guess it was kinda late (around 11:30pm). She had always done what she said she would do before all this, so I just found it odd that she started backing off like that.

So, this past friday was the wedding rehearsal / dinner and I am feeling that being apart of this wedding was a bad idea. The rehearsal goes well, she is friendly and speaks to me at times, but she seems distant when she talks to me, no smiles..just neutral like. Yet it is clear she is feeling unwell that night due to nerves and some medicine she is on (the pill).

Then on Saturday it is time for the wedding, and this is the day that has me going "WTF!" is going on. I arrive at the church at 11:30am. All during the photo sessions which lasted from Noon til just after 3pm, she doesn"t say a single word to me, no hello"s, nothing at all, even though she openly talks to people all around me, and when our eyes meet at various times all I get is a flat look, no smiles. I start think I"ve done something wrong, or maybe she is just nervous (though she seems fine and talkative with everyone else there).

After the wedding ceremony is over and the guests have been let out, the other usher and I are asked to ride with the bride/groom party in the limo to go take more photo"s (the best man and his wife, a bridesmaid, had to bail). So we all get into the limo and start heading to the nearby park for pictures. Even at this time, she still says nothing at me, though everyone is talking and joking around. Understandable I guess, right? We spend an hour in the park taking more photo"s, and she is still giving me those flat looks whenever our eyes meet. I wanted to ask her what the hell was going on, but that wasn"t the time for that.

Once the photo"s are done, we pile into the limo again to drive around for another 30min until the reception officially starts, and it was during this ride that she says something finally directed at me. Yet, it wasn"t anything I would have wanted her to say. She just randomly tells the other usher that when they were looking for another usher, all they wanted was to find someone to keep him company, so he would have someone to talk to.

Still not sure how to take that really, but again it sure made me feel that she didn"t care at all that I was there. And it only gets worse when we get to the reception. While sitting at a table with some mutual friends from work, she and her hubby start making the rounds, stopping at tables thanking people for coming, etc. They get to my table (just me and another lady at the time), she just gives a brief hello to the lady, then walks away not looking at me at all, while her hubby stays and talks a bit with us.

Blah, this is getting too long. Couple of other things happened though. While she was doing the "dollar dance", I decide to go up and pay a dollar to dance with her, and you can guess how that went by now. She just gives me this look like "Oh its you" and is just totally disinterested, when I try to talk with her, she just gives one word responses, never looking at me. After the dance I just walk away thinking "wtf"...never experienced anything like this before.

Shortly after the dollar dance is over, I start to see people leave, mostly people from work who go say their goodbyes giving hugs and what not. I decide its time for me to leave, so I head over to where she and her hubby are. I shake the hubby"s hand and tell him to make her happy (in a good natured way), he thanks me for being in the wedding, and then I turn to her to say goodbye and offer her a hug, but she just gives me a brief glance and says "bye" and then ignores me.

So yea...that went well, right? lol. Part of me says she plainly just killed whatever friendship we had, that she didn"t think of me as much of a friend at all. Yet, maybe I am overreacting to all that? I don"t really know, and its bugging me. Any of you relationship guru"s understand what happened?

A couple theories, and any/all of them could be true.

She"s having wedding issues, anywhere from mild jitters to a complete "I can"t do this" freak out.

Or, her husband put down his foot regarding you, and isn"t having it anymore. A LOT of guys don"t like their girls having close male friends, and he could have flat out told her to cut that shit out.

Does you guys have any mutual friends that might know more you could pry info out of? She"s probably got close female friends that if hubby had done this, they would know about it. Bring it up in a way to them like "I guess this is going to cut down on our hang out time!" If you flat out ask the friend, it will get back to her, you might not want this.

I would have to say if I had to make just one theory, her husband wants you out of the friend picture. If it was just wedding jitters, she would have probably been more friendly to you. This sounds like it"s something about the relationship she has with you, as she was being friendly to everyone else right? You were singled out man, just you. Sucks, but I think your friendship with her might be at an end.

Sounds like you met a woman bro.

Sutekh said:

Sounds like you met a woman bro.

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Thanks, that made me laugh.

About the hubby putting his foot down. I really don"t know, but to be honest, he is a pretty cool guy. During that day he was friendly and talkative towards me, never got any feeling of angst from him...and since being that would be unlike him, I probably would have noticed. And yes, she was friendly with everyone else, I guess it is just hard for me to admit that she decided to end our friendship like that.