If you get back together with an ex-GF it"s because you"re seeing the past under rose tinted glasses. It is never as good as you remembered it.
Girls who broke your heart thread
- Thread starter Aychamo BanBan
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One of the best marriages I know of is a couple who broke up for years before getting back together. They"ve been almost obnoxiously happily married for several years now.
I suppose that is true. My parents were off and on for a while until getting married and they"ve been married like 35 years now. It"s just in my experience I always focus on the good and forget the bad.
I"m more referring to "Oh yeah I forgot this chick is a massive cunt" not "She made fun of my hair that one day ;"("
Long story but I"ll go into it in full detail...
We met when she was 20 and I was 26. We met in EQ, she was in San Diego I was in Salt Lake City. We hung out in game for months and on IM. We"d call / text alot then we met in Vegas. We hit it off, for me and her it was love at first sight. We would regularly start meeting in Vegas every month until she finished junior College that spring. Then she transfered up here to the University of Utah with me. She moved into the Dorms for the first half of the semester before moving in with me after that.
She is an only child from a really unique family setup, almost unhealthy in the way that her and her parents are so close, less like parents more like siblings. Her parents were never too keen on the notion of me or us together.
3 months into her moving here she had no friends so we hung out with my friends. 1 of my best friends would hang out with us a lot and then they would get coffee together and I was fine with it. Well one night after her helping him buy furniture for his new apartment, they watched a movie, he opened some wine and she"s a lush. She has no world experience so 1 drink and she"s lit. He proceeds to tell her he"s in love with her, walks to his bedroom and invites her in. She freaks out and leaves. Doesn"t tell me cause she thinks I"ll leave her. I find out...huge blow up with my friend...no longer my friend...she and I get over it. It takes me a year to get past my jealousy and suspicions though and we would argue over it. Finally I got past it.
We were together 5 1/2 years. Lived together for 3 of them. During that time we would argue every 3 months or so because we are very stubborn. Not huge arguments really but to her they were because she has no experience with it. She says her parents only ever argued once in her lifetime. She said that it was a cycle, which it was, every 3 months she felt like she had to walk on eggshells. She said we needed help. My pride, my embarassment, and my inability to express my emotions got in the way of going to counseling.
She is a very, very sexual person. She equates sex to being loved when she is in a relationship. I told her I loved her daily, and that she was beautiful but it never sank in. We had sex a couple times a week or sometimes longer stretches. She told me she needed more and I knew it but failed to come through due to stress at work, school, and having very little free time to rest.
I proposed Dec 13, 2008 and she was so happy. Gushing even. Then we went to her parents for christmas and I had to stay up for 3 hours at night alone with her father getting lectured about how I wasn"t to marry her til after she graduated, and nothing was to let that interfere with her school. I agreed and all that did was put added pressure on it along with me being scared, nervous about marriage, and shy. She felt like I didn"t want to marry her after a few months of that cause I couldn"t express how I really felt, that I was overjoyed at marrying her.
So this spring we had a huge fight, she stayed at our friends for 5 days, we talked and she came home on her own cause she said she missed me. She said we need counseling, I said no. Few weeks of this I relented and said ok I"d go to 1. She set the appointment and it got canceled to scheduling conflict. She / I never rescheduled.
All summer goes by, things are just like normal, we get along great. We"re each others best friend. We laugh, we love. She wasn"t faking the love. Well 3 months ago I get a message from her on Facebook that was intended for my ex-best friend from before. Apparently he had been inviting her to lunch privately. She told him no. I got pissed. Real pissed. Cause he had the balls to try this shit again?! I went into her office (we work together) and was livid. Told her to unfriend him. She said she"d handle it...I said no do it now. She did.
We went home and I appologized that night. Told her she said she"d handle it I should have trusted her to handle it.
Next 3 months are just like always. We"re happy. Then 1 morning we had the tiniest of fights. She snapped at me, I snapped 2 words back about not needing her attitude and walked away. She came home that night, said she was done. Packed her a suitcase and left. Said she had been thinking all day and didn"t want to try anymore.
She"s been at friends houses this month, though she just moved into her own apartment last night with a girl from her engineering department.
Of course unlike any other time in our relationship what she said sank in because for the first time I wasn"t mad at the time. I reflected on everything and realized I was madly in love with her, recognized my faults, sought help (will continue to go no matter what happens) through counseling, and have tried talking to her during that month to tell her everything. What I feel, she was right in many aspects, etc.
Nothing has done any good. So now I"m stuck...got nothing left but to keep working on myself, cut off contact (except at work), and hope she see"s the changes and has second thoughts?
Advice?
PS. She had her faults too...she gave up on love, cause she still does love me, she can"t hide it in things she"s said, personal contact touching, etc. She has no life experience and needs to grow up and realized ALL relationships have fights, and are hard. But she"s my best friend, and everything else. We both felt that the only thing that would ever tear us apart was cheating (it was anathema to both of us) guess I was wrong..
We met when she was 20 and I was 26. We met in EQ, she was in San Diego I was in Salt Lake City. We hung out in game for months and on IM. We"d call / text alot then we met in Vegas. We hit it off, for me and her it was love at first sight. We would regularly start meeting in Vegas every month until she finished junior College that spring. Then she transfered up here to the University of Utah with me. She moved into the Dorms for the first half of the semester before moving in with me after that.
She is an only child from a really unique family setup, almost unhealthy in the way that her and her parents are so close, less like parents more like siblings. Her parents were never too keen on the notion of me or us together.
3 months into her moving here she had no friends so we hung out with my friends. 1 of my best friends would hang out with us a lot and then they would get coffee together and I was fine with it. Well one night after her helping him buy furniture for his new apartment, they watched a movie, he opened some wine and she"s a lush. She has no world experience so 1 drink and she"s lit. He proceeds to tell her he"s in love with her, walks to his bedroom and invites her in. She freaks out and leaves. Doesn"t tell me cause she thinks I"ll leave her. I find out...huge blow up with my friend...no longer my friend...she and I get over it. It takes me a year to get past my jealousy and suspicions though and we would argue over it. Finally I got past it.
We were together 5 1/2 years. Lived together for 3 of them. During that time we would argue every 3 months or so because we are very stubborn. Not huge arguments really but to her they were because she has no experience with it. She says her parents only ever argued once in her lifetime. She said that it was a cycle, which it was, every 3 months she felt like she had to walk on eggshells. She said we needed help. My pride, my embarassment, and my inability to express my emotions got in the way of going to counseling.
She is a very, very sexual person. She equates sex to being loved when she is in a relationship. I told her I loved her daily, and that she was beautiful but it never sank in. We had sex a couple times a week or sometimes longer stretches. She told me she needed more and I knew it but failed to come through due to stress at work, school, and having very little free time to rest.
I proposed Dec 13, 2008 and she was so happy. Gushing even. Then we went to her parents for christmas and I had to stay up for 3 hours at night alone with her father getting lectured about how I wasn"t to marry her til after she graduated, and nothing was to let that interfere with her school. I agreed and all that did was put added pressure on it along with me being scared, nervous about marriage, and shy. She felt like I didn"t want to marry her after a few months of that cause I couldn"t express how I really felt, that I was overjoyed at marrying her.
So this spring we had a huge fight, she stayed at our friends for 5 days, we talked and she came home on her own cause she said she missed me. She said we need counseling, I said no. Few weeks of this I relented and said ok I"d go to 1. She set the appointment and it got canceled to scheduling conflict. She / I never rescheduled.
All summer goes by, things are just like normal, we get along great. We"re each others best friend. We laugh, we love. She wasn"t faking the love. Well 3 months ago I get a message from her on Facebook that was intended for my ex-best friend from before. Apparently he had been inviting her to lunch privately. She told him no. I got pissed. Real pissed. Cause he had the balls to try this shit again?! I went into her office (we work together) and was livid. Told her to unfriend him. She said she"d handle it...I said no do it now. She did.
We went home and I appologized that night. Told her she said she"d handle it I should have trusted her to handle it.
Next 3 months are just like always. We"re happy. Then 1 morning we had the tiniest of fights. She snapped at me, I snapped 2 words back about not needing her attitude and walked away. She came home that night, said she was done. Packed her a suitcase and left. Said she had been thinking all day and didn"t want to try anymore.
She"s been at friends houses this month, though she just moved into her own apartment last night with a girl from her engineering department.
Of course unlike any other time in our relationship what she said sank in because for the first time I wasn"t mad at the time. I reflected on everything and realized I was madly in love with her, recognized my faults, sought help (will continue to go no matter what happens) through counseling, and have tried talking to her during that month to tell her everything. What I feel, she was right in many aspects, etc.
Nothing has done any good. So now I"m stuck...got nothing left but to keep working on myself, cut off contact (except at work), and hope she see"s the changes and has second thoughts?
Advice?
PS. She had her faults too...she gave up on love, cause she still does love me, she can"t hide it in things she"s said, personal contact touching, etc. She has no life experience and needs to grow up and realized ALL relationships have fights, and are hard. But she"s my best friend, and everything else. We both felt that the only thing that would ever tear us apart was cheating (it was anathema to both of us) guess I was wrong..
so your girl wants it all the time.
you fail to give it when she wants it for whatever the fuck "stress" reasons.
and you go into jealous/rage mode whenever it seems she is being approached by other men, even though she does not approach them.
and you believe she needs to accept that relationships are hard?
uhh, I think you got it wrong on who needs to grow up. your immaturity pretty high level.
advice? approach her, be real, and in the future treat her like you want to keep her. that means NOT snapping back.
and your "she gave up on love" line... just imagine if there was a thread for women to post in much like this one. the entire forum would be arguing for her to leave, and time and time again like brad she"d stay with you, and now finally she"s left you, much like brad is going to court, and the board would cheer.
you fucked up. you can"t approach her with "we both fucked up and I want things to work. "it"s gotta be pure "I was a prick. I want another chance. things will be different. blah blah"
you fail to give it when she wants it for whatever the fuck "stress" reasons.
and you go into jealous/rage mode whenever it seems she is being approached by other men, even though she does not approach them.
and you believe she needs to accept that relationships are hard?
uhh, I think you got it wrong on who needs to grow up. your immaturity pretty high level.
advice? approach her, be real, and in the future treat her like you want to keep her. that means NOT snapping back.
and your "she gave up on love" line... just imagine if there was a thread for women to post in much like this one. the entire forum would be arguing for her to leave, and time and time again like brad she"d stay with you, and now finally she"s left you, much like brad is going to court, and the board would cheer.
you fucked up. you can"t approach her with "we both fucked up and I want things to work. "it"s gotta be pure "I was a prick. I want another chance. things will be different. blah blah"
All correct. I"ve reflected and recognized my failings. I don"t fault her for the breakup, in fact I"ve told her as much that she was correct to do it. I am working on growing up myself, learning to communicate, and learning to express my emotions. I have owned up to my own failings to her completely and honestly. I wish I had seen these things for what they were when it wasn"t too late, but usually it takes losing something important to actually make you change.
All of that is too little too late but I"m doing it anyways simply because it needs to be done, and not really with any hope of getting back with her.
All of that is too little too late but I"m doing it anyways simply because it needs to be done, and not really with any hope of getting back with her.
Word of advice the guy married us said. Try to talk shit out before you go to sleep. Seems to work if you got that kind of open relationship.brekk said:
Recognize that you fucked up.Seths said:
Dont go to her and say logical stuff why you should try again. And dont beg either.
Tell her you want to talk, but use the meeting to spend time with her.. like a date. Make her feel good and remember why she does love you.
At the end tell her that it was your fault and you finally realized it. And that you can be a better person, love her and want to get back together.
Hope you get another chance.
Sutekh
Blackwing Lair Raider
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Honestly, if she"s as "inexperienced" in relationships as you say, how about you leave her be and let her go off and gain some experience. Marrying the person from your first real relationship is probably the worst idea. ever. Not to mention completely unfair to her.
[cliche] If you love her, let her go, and if it"s meant to be she"ll come back[/cliche]
[cliche] If you love her, let her go, and if it"s meant to be she"ll come back[/cliche]
Adding to what Sutekh said, a person who is not experienced in relationships (1)doesn"t know how to handle them, (2)doesn"t appreciate what they have, (3)doesn"t know what else is out there, and a lot of other important things.
I know this because that was me. My first meaningful relationship was in college, and my gf at the time had 2 previous 6+ month relationships. Everything was nearly perfect in every way you could possibly imagine, yet looking back on it, there is no way we could have avoided breaking up, simply for the fact that I had no previous experience.
When you have no other experience, you have nothing to compare to. She can only look at your immature behavior as a character trait, rather than behavior that you can correct. That"s all she knows. She lives in a fantasy world thinking her relationship should be just like her parents. She probably has another delusions about the beauty of a conflict-free perfect utopian relationship that doesn"t exist. Fighting is normal (but only healthy if you are actually resolving problems; if you fight about the same thing, then something fundamental is wrong). But she doesn"t know that. She compares her relationship to what she knows, which is nothing. She just sees the surface of other people"s relationships. The only way to really know is to be there yourself.
People with no experience think statements like "relationships need work" are just for those who have shitty relationships. No one listens to the wisdom of others unless they have similar experiences of their own to solidify that wisdom.
For the specifics of what happened, it sounds mostly like it"s your fault. But the fact that you may be willing to change some flaws is irrelevant here. That"s why I wrote all that shit above. It"s probably over for her because of things about her. The only solution is for her to date other guys and have a basis for comparison. Remember that you"d probably be doing the same thing if the roles were reversed.
Hell, maybe 5 years will go by and she"ll be in Korea and still thinking about you on occasion, but unable to say anything because you"re dating someone else and she"s not sure if she is looking back with rose-tinted goggles or not.
I know this because that was me. My first meaningful relationship was in college, and my gf at the time had 2 previous 6+ month relationships. Everything was nearly perfect in every way you could possibly imagine, yet looking back on it, there is no way we could have avoided breaking up, simply for the fact that I had no previous experience.
When you have no other experience, you have nothing to compare to. She can only look at your immature behavior as a character trait, rather than behavior that you can correct. That"s all she knows. She lives in a fantasy world thinking her relationship should be just like her parents. She probably has another delusions about the beauty of a conflict-free perfect utopian relationship that doesn"t exist. Fighting is normal (but only healthy if you are actually resolving problems; if you fight about the same thing, then something fundamental is wrong). But she doesn"t know that. She compares her relationship to what she knows, which is nothing. She just sees the surface of other people"s relationships. The only way to really know is to be there yourself.
People with no experience think statements like "relationships need work" are just for those who have shitty relationships. No one listens to the wisdom of others unless they have similar experiences of their own to solidify that wisdom.
For the specifics of what happened, it sounds mostly like it"s your fault. But the fact that you may be willing to change some flaws is irrelevant here. That"s why I wrote all that shit above. It"s probably over for her because of things about her. The only solution is for her to date other guys and have a basis for comparison. Remember that you"d probably be doing the same thing if the roles were reversed.
Hell, maybe 5 years will go by and she"ll be in Korea and still thinking about you on occasion, but unable to say anything because you"re dating someone else and she"s not sure if she is looking back with rose-tinted goggles or not.
Actually I was mostly just offering what I estimate is her perspective and the likelihood of the relationship being over because of the factors I mentioned, regardless of his attempts.
I actually recommend trying to salvage the relationship because there is no harm and only gain to be made from doing so. If my estimate above is wrong, he"ll have a shot at saving the relationship. If it is right, nothing will change anyway.
He"ll be able to tell if his words are falling on deaf ears or not pretty easily, so it won"t be that much wasted time and energy. Just don"t sit around for weeks while she "thinks about it" for some indefinite period of time. Say what you want to say, and if it doesn"t change anything, tell her you don"t agree with her plan, but understand that she has to do what she thinks is best for her, then move on. She may go out and date a couple morons and come running back 2 months later. But don"t wait around for that.
edit:
I actually recommend trying to salvage the relationship because there is no harm and only gain to be made from doing so. If my estimate above is wrong, he"ll have a shot at saving the relationship. If it is right, nothing will change anyway.
He"ll be able to tell if his words are falling on deaf ears or not pretty easily, so it won"t be that much wasted time and energy. Just don"t sit around for weeks while she "thinks about it" for some indefinite period of time. Say what you want to say, and if it doesn"t change anything, tell her you don"t agree with her plan, but understand that she has to do what she thinks is best for her, then move on. She may go out and date a couple morons and come running back 2 months later. But don"t wait around for that.
edit:
Her situation sounds analogous to me in my first relationship, so I was offering the perspective I had at the time as a likely explanation for how she has responded to himprojectoffset said:
Ronaan
Molten Core Raider
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Not going to write a fucking book about it, but if she"s also a bit crazy on the side and you get into fights regularly (3 monthsispretty regular), it"s not worth it. 5% of this thread covers me getting back with my ex, and it was not a good idea, though it did seem so at the time.
A fight every 3 months is a problem? Jesus.
Seths I gotta be honest, you sounded like as much as or not more of the problem than her.
Seths I gotta be honest, you sounded like as much as or not more of the problem than her.
I"d say yes. Outside of extremely fringe cases until you screw up a few relationships you have no idea how they work.projectoffset said: