Girls who broke your heart thread
- Thread starter Aychamo BanBan
- Start date
This is a concept that I am finding hard to understand, comprehend and put to practice. -.-Shanter said:
Don"t get me wrong. I am all about making the moves, taking the initiative, standing your ground in things you believe in regardless of her opinion, etc, etc, etc. But really, I hope you mean being a man and not a dick.
You know who just broke my heart is a fucking fat bitch friend who played guard duty all night for her hot ass tall skinny friend! We were pretty much humping on the dance floor, but this fat bitch just wouldn"t GO AWAY!!! God damn... I got the hot girls number, but we all know how that"s going to go. I figure I"ll give her a call next friday, but I"m sure she"ll play the oh I was so drunk and don"t remember you card. Oh well!!
I actually thought about texting in a few days and playing the I forgot you card first. Something like "Hey not to be rude, but who are you and where did we meet, your numbers in my phone." Any thoughts??!
I actually thought about texting in a few days and playing the I forgot you card first. Something like "Hey not to be rude, but who are you and where did we meet, your numbers in my phone." Any thoughts??!
I haven"t read this thread in forever, but god I forgot how awesome it is. I remember all the posts of dudes talking about cheating girlfriends, etc and to drop them like a bad habit. But the whole last page or so has been telling pub to fuck around with this chick behind her boyfriends back. I love double standards. My advice would be to forget her, trifling bitches need to learn there place. If you let her fuck off her boyfriend now, chick will just keep on doin it. Sure, chances are someone else will be next in line to take her on, but fuck all that noise. Bros b4 hoes, etc.
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I dont think all girls like it, but my best friend does that whole routine and it seems to work with osme chicks, he doesnt talk to them very much, hes a dick etc and tehy chase him. his current girl is crazy in the head if u ask me, likes to be smackedi n the face, boobs etc during sex so no wonder she likes him being mean to herVim said:
Ronaan
Molten Core Raider
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Nail studio girl stopped texting. I think this is going nowhere.
Met a friend of a friend during town festival and she"s cute. A bit on the chubby side for my standards maybe (not fat, but not really thin either). Nice personality though. We only talked some, joked around a bit, had a few beers... I think I met her every day of the 4 days I went there.
Wednesday when things were closing up for the day and we parted ways (group of 6 or 8 people, as usual), I told her to "just call me". She gave me a blank stare, a nod, and a "uh huh". Her not having my number might me the reason for that response
Time to turn that shit around and see how far she will go to get my number - that"s what I thought after too many beers.
It worked though. Got the first message on friday while I was on a motorbike trip.
Not sure what"s going to happen really.
This is where it gets complicated (oh no).
The motorbike trip I mentioned above is the annual meeting of my make/model here, I was there once in 2007 and met the cutest girl ever, cool as any of the guys, fixes her own stuff, rides the same motorcycle as I do (more or less), all that stuff.
Met her again this year.
And she lives 250+ miles away.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU....
Anyway, hung out all the time over those 4 days pretty much, but again I never even had the nerve to ask anything personal. When she showed up she had to check twice to be sure it"s even me (she knew the fat me from 2007).
Ah hell I should just forget about that, she probably hates smokers and long distance relationships equally.
Still had a lot of fun.
edit: to let you in on the level of fail I achieved... one (actually more or less our first) conversation went like this:
her: oh I always feel bad for you when you post about your bad luck with women. well I"m actually looking myself.
me: oh. yeah. hmm. *blank stare*
You know, I could have at least *tried* to see if she was just being nice, or if she wanted to see if I"m interested. But I"m too stupid for that.
Fuck.
Met a friend of a friend during town festival and she"s cute. A bit on the chubby side for my standards maybe (not fat, but not really thin either). Nice personality though. We only talked some, joked around a bit, had a few beers... I think I met her every day of the 4 days I went there.
Wednesday when things were closing up for the day and we parted ways (group of 6 or 8 people, as usual), I told her to "just call me". She gave me a blank stare, a nod, and a "uh huh". Her not having my number might me the reason for that response
Time to turn that shit around and see how far she will go to get my number - that"s what I thought after too many beers.
It worked though. Got the first message on friday while I was on a motorbike trip.
Not sure what"s going to happen really.
This is where it gets complicated (oh no).
The motorbike trip I mentioned above is the annual meeting of my make/model here, I was there once in 2007 and met the cutest girl ever, cool as any of the guys, fixes her own stuff, rides the same motorcycle as I do (more or less), all that stuff.
Met her again this year.
And she lives 250+ miles away.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU....
Anyway, hung out all the time over those 4 days pretty much, but again I never even had the nerve to ask anything personal. When she showed up she had to check twice to be sure it"s even me (she knew the fat me from 2007).
Ah hell I should just forget about that, she probably hates smokers and long distance relationships equally.
Still had a lot of fun.
edit: to let you in on the level of fail I achieved... one (actually more or less our first) conversation went like this:
her: oh I always feel bad for you when you post about your bad luck with women. well I"m actually looking myself.
me: oh. yeah. hmm. *blank stare*
You know, I could have at least *tried* to see if she was just being nice, or if she wanted to see if I"m interested. But I"m too stupid for that.
Fuck.
Hello, all. I"ve taken a recent interest in this thread (for reasons which will become apparent soon) and, over the past few weeks, I"ve read it from page one. I feel as if I know some of you quite well, or at least well enough that I"d appreciate some outside opinions of my situation.
I"ll spoiler it because it"s more in line with the original purpose of the thread than more recent pages, it"s long, and it"s brand-new drama which might not be welcomed this far along in the thread. Feel free to skip around as there"s bound to be unnecessary and uninteresting information in a story that spans the better part of 4 years.
Background information:
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
About me:
I"m a decent looking nerdy white guy. I"m smart, emotionally stable, and can be overly logical. I"m 25 years old. I have a Bachelor"s Degree in Computer Science, a job which I consider to be well-paying, and I"ve recently purchased my first house. I"ve been told that I"m a funny guy. I think it might be because I haven"t met many other people that can be as dry or straightfaced while being extremely sarcastic as I can (thank you, internet). In general, for whatever reason, I"m someone that "everyone likes." This isn"t to say that there aren"t a few edge cases challenging the truthfulness of the statement, but there aren"t many people who"d have a bad thing to say about me.
Background information about my relationship:
While I was in the process of obtaining an Associate"s degree at a community college, I worked as a register-jockey at a gas station. Due to poor management, I was actually put in the position of choosing job applicants that"d get interviews based on our company"s web application. One which I felt necessitated an interview was written by a female who"d sarcastically answered all the questions as if she already worked there. She was interviewed and promptly hired, and she did not disappoint.
This girl, who I will refer to as "Karen", was a cute and sexy 17-year-old highschool senior (it"s okay for me to say that because I was only 21 at the time). She was sarcastic, funny, goofy, creative, outgoing, and was simply a pleasure to be working with. She enjoyed subtley messing with customers and other employees just as much as I did. We would often find tasks we could perform together and talk while at work. We"d each share our relationship issues/stories (I was hooked on another girl but we weren"t together anymore, and she was always dating some loser) and talk about just about anything (although we didn"t bring any sex talk in at this point). I think there was always some mutual interest, but the ages were significant at that point, and other than some innocent subtle flirtation, I never explicitly expressed it due to her being in a relationship. We never did anything outside of work, but this went on for the duration of my employment.
I finished my Associate"s degree and made plans to attend a state college on the other side of the state (3 hours away). I maintained my employment status at the gas station to obtain extra cash while visiting home and during school breaks. During one of the breaks, while Karen and I were working together, she told me about how she"d broken up with her old boyfriend (who treated her like shit half the time) and hooked up with a new boyfriend with whom she"d been friends a long time (he was a moron in an alternative learning school so he could be with his friends). I didn"t think much of it at the time, because I still wasn"t thinking of her from a relationship stance (even though I thought she was smoking hot). She did always insist that when I was in town, I should stop by and see her at work, and, when I did, she"d always jokingly (I know now it was just half-jokingly) say she loved me over the loudspeaker as I left. During another break, when I stopped by to see her, she gave me her cell number and said I should "call or text her some time if I"m bored out there." I gave her mine as well.
I told one of my friends that I was disappointed she"d broken up and found a new boyfriend already, swearing to him that if she hadn"t, her and I would have hooked up.
I don"t remember who made the first contact, but it wouldn"t surprise me if it was her. The first messages were shallow smalltalk and occured just a few times per week. Eventually, she told me she"d broken up with the newer boyfriend, and the messages became somewhat less innocent; there were cheesey lines asking if I knew where she could find some good "Hard drives" but stopped short of asking me the quality of my RAM. It was very pleasant to be getting such nerdy, provokative attention. We spoke on the phone, and she said she was interested in attending the same school as me, and wanted to come check out the campus. Again, I don"t remember if she asked if she could stay with me or if I offered; neither would surprise me. I knew it was just an excuse, but I wasn"t about to call her out on it at this point.
When she arrived, we made dinner together and watched a movie and a documentary in my room. The only places to sit in my small, shitty room were on my tiny bed or in my computer chair. I let her take the bed and I sat on the chair, but after a few minutes, she insisted I share the bed with her. We watched the movie, laughed, and joked as usual. When it became late and I offered to set up the fold-out couch in the other room, she stated that she"d be sleeping in my bed. I told her that was fine as long as she didn"t mind that I was going to be in it too, and that I slept naked (which was, of course, stupid bullshit on my part). I guess it might also be appropriate to mention that, at this time, I was still a virgin. We fell asleep together, but I woke up a few hours later to her rubbing her feet against mine. I did the same... some time passed and things happened... we kissed and had sex. That weekend we never left the house and rarely left the room, except to clean up or obtain nutrients to facilitate more fucking. This is how I ended up in a long distance relationship with an amazing girl.
We decided that we were "going out" and the frequency of my home trips increased. We spoke nearly every night on the phone. There isn"t much to say about this part of the relationship except that we both made it work. When I moved back for the Summer, we were able to go out and have fun and do normal relationship things. At this point, I stopped working at the gas station. She did shortly after as well. When I had to leave to go back to school, it was very difficult for both of us, but we kept the relationship going and one of us would visit the other for at least 2 weekends a month.
This continued throughout the year, and when I came back that Summer (with one more year to go on my degree), I moved into one of her father"s rental properties with her. I think this was also the Summer in which she told me we should get engaged. I agreed and bought her a cheap ring that she liked. I was a loser this summer, and didn"t work at all, but things were still great, and she decided that she"d spend my final year at college with me. She applied and was accepted and ended up living in the other part of the duplex where I"d planned to stay over the school year.
Again, things were great. We were completely in love, had common interests, and had great conversations. I spent every night with her and she spent 70% of the time she was home in my room. The sex was still great, and we both found eachother extremely attractive. We had minor arguments every once in a while, but nothing major. We both studied hard and excelled in our school work. I suppose I can take this time to explain how great the situation was: Her family loved me; her mother would always visit us and bring us presents that poor college kids need, like food. Her whole family attended my graduation. She was completely able to hang out with me and my friends and fit in on conversations, even when they went nerdy. It seemed like everything was positive.
After I graduated, we both moved into her mother"s basement. She got a job working as a waitress and hadn"t decided if she wanted to return to school yet/at all. I looked for a job, and found one. I saved up money and we started looking for a place to live. Our relationship continued as usual, but I didn"t have as much free time as before, as I was now working full time in the corporate world. We didn"t go out as often, but it didn"t seem to matter. We still loved spending time together doing anything. Fast forward 8 months or so, and things were still largely the same, but she was stressed out by the fact that we shared one small room and by the proximity to her siblings. It caused her to be a bit short with me. I voiced my concern at not liking the way I was being treated, and she apologized, providing the things I just mentioned as reasons for her actions.
(Start reading here if you don"t care about the backstory)
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
We found a house we both liked. It was in good shape, it was in our (my) price range, and it was in a location that"d allow her to find a new, higher paying waitress job. We moved in 3 months ago. Shortly after, one of her female friends moved in and started renting a room. Karen found a new job where she could make a lot more money both in tips and hourly, but the scheduling didn"t leave us with any days off together. I worked a 7-4 M-F schedule and she worked evening shifts M, Tu, Th, Sat, Sun and had Wednesday and Friday off. Basically, I"d get to see her for an hour or two at night and evenings on Wed and Fri and during the day Sat and Sun. I didn"t think it"d be a big deal (IDIOT) since she"d be able to change her hours in a couple months and she could trade shifts whenever she wanted.
After buying the house, I became a bit more serious I think. With the added pressure of keeping a house clean (she did a lot in this department, too), paying new bills, and making home improvements, I became more lazy on my time off. Even when we had opportunities to go out, I was hesitant. I think I became overly comfortable in our relationship and stopped seeing the sacrifices I had to make(IDIOT); I started to take her for granted. She did the same for me... she didn"t appreciate that I was paying for the house and the food and everything other than our utility bills. We did still go out and have fun occasionally, but our time together was made up of a lot of watching movies/shows and talking at home.
The next month, things seemed to change a bit. Her work schedule caused her sleep schedule to differ from mine quite a bit; she"d go hang out with work friends and go to sleep in the early AMs and I"d go to sleep at about 11 PM. When we did have plans to go out, she"d cancel and say she just wanted to sit at home and be lazy. When her friend (the roommate) came home, she"d suddenly have more energy and be playful and vocal. I asked her what was going on while citing this very example. She said she wasn"t sure.
A few days later, when I was getting ready for work, she woke up and was crying to me about how she didn"t think "we had enough in common" specifically with hobbies. Now, throughout the relationship, she"d occasionally expressed that she wanted me to be more creative with her. She"s always sewing purses or stuffed animals or making something out of clay or drawing. That part of my brain doesn"t work, and, since I have no talent for it, I"ve never enjoyed it. Because we"d already been together for 3+ years despite these concerns, I thought she was overreacting (IDIOT) and spent extra time at home comforting her before I went to work late. I told her that I thought we"d be fine, and she seemed to agree.
The next Tuesday, I came home as usual and had my evening alone as usual. When she came home at around the time she"d be getting off work, she wasn"t wearing work clothes. She told me she"d switched her days off and taken today off instead of Wednesday to help someone at work out. She didn"t bother telling me or coming home to spend one of the two days per week we"d have together with me. It wouldn"t have been an issue if she"d simply told me, but this seemed really disrespectful and borderline dishonest considering I"d talked to her on the phone mid-day. She"d spent the day hanging out with one of her work friends. The work friend happens to be male, but it"s not the issue some of you might make it out to be. The whole time we were dating, she had male friends, and I knew the whole time that she"d never cheat on me. It simply isn"t in her to do such a thing. She"d had several "friendships" with men end because they revealed that they were interested in her and she didn"t care because she was with me.
That weekend, we pretty much broke up. She spent Saturday talking to me about how she didn"t think it"d work anymore and that she had recently changed and didn"t understand her feelings anymore. She said the way she felt for me was different, and expressed to me again that she didn"t think we had enough in common. This time, not only was it about hobbies, but the fact that she loves history and that I don"t, and that she spends several hours a day listening to music while being creative, and I usually sit in silence or conversation instead. On Sunday, after she worked, we went for a walk. She only hesitantly held my hand and walked much faster than one would normally during a pleasure walk. When we returned to the house, she smoked a cigarette. This is significant because, when we started dating, I insisted that she quit and she had. She knew it"d really bother me.
On Monday, I spoke with Karen"s Mother. Karen"s Mother met with her, then spoke with me. Her mother listened to both sides and said we should all get together. We did, and she tried to mediate the situation. I informed Karen that I understood her concerns and what had been bothering her, and I"d work to try and shift my priorities around to make the relationship work again. We agreed that we"d take 3 months and see if we could make things work like they had previously, and we"d either mutually stay together or mutually break up. (I know I came off as weak during this but it"s because I was happy with our situation up until recently, and it just seemed like one of the natural relationship ups-and-downs down periods). Regardless, her mother left and we went in the other room and cuddled in bed. I thanked her for forgiving me and being willing to try and work it out. She responded, "I"d do anything for you." We made plans to go away for the weekend.
Tuesday, our work schedules were such that I wasn"t able to see her before I went to bed. When she did come to bed and I woke up slightly and attempted to cuddle her, she pulled away. I fell back asleep. After work that day, I came home and asked her to come to the park for a walk with me. She interrupted and explained that she didn"t think any of this was going to work. She explained that still loved me but didn"t feel like she was in love with me anymore. She said that she didn"t see any way that those feelings would come back. She gave me back her engagement ring and told me she had plans to eat dinner with her dad. I told her she"d better pack a few days worth of clothes and whatnot, because I didn"t want to see her again that night.
A day or two passes, and she comes back to pick up some stuff and talk to me. She"s staying in one of her father"s rental properties again. She tells me she"s not interested in dating anyone right now, and that it"s making her happy to be alone and not feel obligations toward anyone. She also says she doesn"t think she believes in marriage or relationships in a "forever" sense anymore, since she"d been so sure about us before. She also talked to me about possibly getting a tattoo (which she wouldn"t have before, because I don"t really like them). I"ve expressed to her that I"m sorry about how I took her for granted and also told her that I"m deeply disappointed in her for basically blindsiding me with the breakup and being unwilling to try and work things out. We"ve talked about how relationships are work and I"ve told her that I don"t think it was right for her to simply stop putting in any effort and dump it on me.
Since then, we"ve hung out twice (once at her request, once at mine). The time that was at her request, she came over and started crying and we both got emotional talking about us, the past, and the present. No real revelations came of this night. The second time, we played chess and talked about what was happening in our lives. This night, I learned that she still thinks I"m cute and she still loves me, but she"s trying not to think of me in a sexual way.
Anyway, that"s the backstory. Since then, I"ve done a retarded amount of thinking about our situation and how I should be acting. I"m still in love with her, and I have cravings to call her and spill it all, but I know that"s not the right thing to do. I"m sure she still knows how much I want to be with her, but I"ve put it on her to call me; we haven"t spoken in 9 days and we"ve been broken up for a month. It might have been a bad idea to leave it up to her to call me, because I told her point blank that I wasn"t sure if it was a good idea for us to hang out anymore, but I know that persuing her would just push her away more, and that you never miss something that you still have. I have a hard time keeping her out of my head, and I have dreams about her most nights.
Somewhat random thoughts/points:
tl;dr: My fiance of 3.5 years loved me until I was able to provide for her
I"ll spoiler it because it"s more in line with the original purpose of the thread than more recent pages, it"s long, and it"s brand-new drama which might not be welcomed this far along in the thread. Feel free to skip around as there"s bound to be unnecessary and uninteresting information in a story that spans the better part of 4 years.
Background information:
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
About me:
I"m a decent looking nerdy white guy. I"m smart, emotionally stable, and can be overly logical. I"m 25 years old. I have a Bachelor"s Degree in Computer Science, a job which I consider to be well-paying, and I"ve recently purchased my first house. I"ve been told that I"m a funny guy. I think it might be because I haven"t met many other people that can be as dry or straightfaced while being extremely sarcastic as I can (thank you, internet). In general, for whatever reason, I"m someone that "everyone likes." This isn"t to say that there aren"t a few edge cases challenging the truthfulness of the statement, but there aren"t many people who"d have a bad thing to say about me.
Background information about my relationship:
While I was in the process of obtaining an Associate"s degree at a community college, I worked as a register-jockey at a gas station. Due to poor management, I was actually put in the position of choosing job applicants that"d get interviews based on our company"s web application. One which I felt necessitated an interview was written by a female who"d sarcastically answered all the questions as if she already worked there. She was interviewed and promptly hired, and she did not disappoint.
This girl, who I will refer to as "Karen", was a cute and sexy 17-year-old highschool senior (it"s okay for me to say that because I was only 21 at the time). She was sarcastic, funny, goofy, creative, outgoing, and was simply a pleasure to be working with. She enjoyed subtley messing with customers and other employees just as much as I did. We would often find tasks we could perform together and talk while at work. We"d each share our relationship issues/stories (I was hooked on another girl but we weren"t together anymore, and she was always dating some loser) and talk about just about anything (although we didn"t bring any sex talk in at this point). I think there was always some mutual interest, but the ages were significant at that point, and other than some innocent subtle flirtation, I never explicitly expressed it due to her being in a relationship. We never did anything outside of work, but this went on for the duration of my employment.
I finished my Associate"s degree and made plans to attend a state college on the other side of the state (3 hours away). I maintained my employment status at the gas station to obtain extra cash while visiting home and during school breaks. During one of the breaks, while Karen and I were working together, she told me about how she"d broken up with her old boyfriend (who treated her like shit half the time) and hooked up with a new boyfriend with whom she"d been friends a long time (he was a moron in an alternative learning school so he could be with his friends). I didn"t think much of it at the time, because I still wasn"t thinking of her from a relationship stance (even though I thought she was smoking hot). She did always insist that when I was in town, I should stop by and see her at work, and, when I did, she"d always jokingly (I know now it was just half-jokingly) say she loved me over the loudspeaker as I left. During another break, when I stopped by to see her, she gave me her cell number and said I should "call or text her some time if I"m bored out there." I gave her mine as well.
I told one of my friends that I was disappointed she"d broken up and found a new boyfriend already, swearing to him that if she hadn"t, her and I would have hooked up.
I don"t remember who made the first contact, but it wouldn"t surprise me if it was her. The first messages were shallow smalltalk and occured just a few times per week. Eventually, she told me she"d broken up with the newer boyfriend, and the messages became somewhat less innocent; there were cheesey lines asking if I knew where she could find some good "Hard drives" but stopped short of asking me the quality of my RAM. It was very pleasant to be getting such nerdy, provokative attention. We spoke on the phone, and she said she was interested in attending the same school as me, and wanted to come check out the campus. Again, I don"t remember if she asked if she could stay with me or if I offered; neither would surprise me. I knew it was just an excuse, but I wasn"t about to call her out on it at this point.
When she arrived, we made dinner together and watched a movie and a documentary in my room. The only places to sit in my small, shitty room were on my tiny bed or in my computer chair. I let her take the bed and I sat on the chair, but after a few minutes, she insisted I share the bed with her. We watched the movie, laughed, and joked as usual. When it became late and I offered to set up the fold-out couch in the other room, she stated that she"d be sleeping in my bed. I told her that was fine as long as she didn"t mind that I was going to be in it too, and that I slept naked (which was, of course, stupid bullshit on my part). I guess it might also be appropriate to mention that, at this time, I was still a virgin. We fell asleep together, but I woke up a few hours later to her rubbing her feet against mine. I did the same... some time passed and things happened... we kissed and had sex. That weekend we never left the house and rarely left the room, except to clean up or obtain nutrients to facilitate more fucking. This is how I ended up in a long distance relationship with an amazing girl.
We decided that we were "going out" and the frequency of my home trips increased. We spoke nearly every night on the phone. There isn"t much to say about this part of the relationship except that we both made it work. When I moved back for the Summer, we were able to go out and have fun and do normal relationship things. At this point, I stopped working at the gas station. She did shortly after as well. When I had to leave to go back to school, it was very difficult for both of us, but we kept the relationship going and one of us would visit the other for at least 2 weekends a month.
This continued throughout the year, and when I came back that Summer (with one more year to go on my degree), I moved into one of her father"s rental properties with her. I think this was also the Summer in which she told me we should get engaged. I agreed and bought her a cheap ring that she liked. I was a loser this summer, and didn"t work at all, but things were still great, and she decided that she"d spend my final year at college with me. She applied and was accepted and ended up living in the other part of the duplex where I"d planned to stay over the school year.
Again, things were great. We were completely in love, had common interests, and had great conversations. I spent every night with her and she spent 70% of the time she was home in my room. The sex was still great, and we both found eachother extremely attractive. We had minor arguments every once in a while, but nothing major. We both studied hard and excelled in our school work. I suppose I can take this time to explain how great the situation was: Her family loved me; her mother would always visit us and bring us presents that poor college kids need, like food. Her whole family attended my graduation. She was completely able to hang out with me and my friends and fit in on conversations, even when they went nerdy. It seemed like everything was positive.
After I graduated, we both moved into her mother"s basement. She got a job working as a waitress and hadn"t decided if she wanted to return to school yet/at all. I looked for a job, and found one. I saved up money and we started looking for a place to live. Our relationship continued as usual, but I didn"t have as much free time as before, as I was now working full time in the corporate world. We didn"t go out as often, but it didn"t seem to matter. We still loved spending time together doing anything. Fast forward 8 months or so, and things were still largely the same, but she was stressed out by the fact that we shared one small room and by the proximity to her siblings. It caused her to be a bit short with me. I voiced my concern at not liking the way I was being treated, and she apologized, providing the things I just mentioned as reasons for her actions.
(Start reading here if you don"t care about the backstory)
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
We found a house we both liked. It was in good shape, it was in our (my) price range, and it was in a location that"d allow her to find a new, higher paying waitress job. We moved in 3 months ago. Shortly after, one of her female friends moved in and started renting a room. Karen found a new job where she could make a lot more money both in tips and hourly, but the scheduling didn"t leave us with any days off together. I worked a 7-4 M-F schedule and she worked evening shifts M, Tu, Th, Sat, Sun and had Wednesday and Friday off. Basically, I"d get to see her for an hour or two at night and evenings on Wed and Fri and during the day Sat and Sun. I didn"t think it"d be a big deal (IDIOT) since she"d be able to change her hours in a couple months and she could trade shifts whenever she wanted.
After buying the house, I became a bit more serious I think. With the added pressure of keeping a house clean (she did a lot in this department, too), paying new bills, and making home improvements, I became more lazy on my time off. Even when we had opportunities to go out, I was hesitant. I think I became overly comfortable in our relationship and stopped seeing the sacrifices I had to make(IDIOT); I started to take her for granted. She did the same for me... she didn"t appreciate that I was paying for the house and the food and everything other than our utility bills. We did still go out and have fun occasionally, but our time together was made up of a lot of watching movies/shows and talking at home.
The next month, things seemed to change a bit. Her work schedule caused her sleep schedule to differ from mine quite a bit; she"d go hang out with work friends and go to sleep in the early AMs and I"d go to sleep at about 11 PM. When we did have plans to go out, she"d cancel and say she just wanted to sit at home and be lazy. When her friend (the roommate) came home, she"d suddenly have more energy and be playful and vocal. I asked her what was going on while citing this very example. She said she wasn"t sure.
A few days later, when I was getting ready for work, she woke up and was crying to me about how she didn"t think "we had enough in common" specifically with hobbies. Now, throughout the relationship, she"d occasionally expressed that she wanted me to be more creative with her. She"s always sewing purses or stuffed animals or making something out of clay or drawing. That part of my brain doesn"t work, and, since I have no talent for it, I"ve never enjoyed it. Because we"d already been together for 3+ years despite these concerns, I thought she was overreacting (IDIOT) and spent extra time at home comforting her before I went to work late. I told her that I thought we"d be fine, and she seemed to agree.
The next Tuesday, I came home as usual and had my evening alone as usual. When she came home at around the time she"d be getting off work, she wasn"t wearing work clothes. She told me she"d switched her days off and taken today off instead of Wednesday to help someone at work out. She didn"t bother telling me or coming home to spend one of the two days per week we"d have together with me. It wouldn"t have been an issue if she"d simply told me, but this seemed really disrespectful and borderline dishonest considering I"d talked to her on the phone mid-day. She"d spent the day hanging out with one of her work friends. The work friend happens to be male, but it"s not the issue some of you might make it out to be. The whole time we were dating, she had male friends, and I knew the whole time that she"d never cheat on me. It simply isn"t in her to do such a thing. She"d had several "friendships" with men end because they revealed that they were interested in her and she didn"t care because she was with me.
That weekend, we pretty much broke up. She spent Saturday talking to me about how she didn"t think it"d work anymore and that she had recently changed and didn"t understand her feelings anymore. She said the way she felt for me was different, and expressed to me again that she didn"t think we had enough in common. This time, not only was it about hobbies, but the fact that she loves history and that I don"t, and that she spends several hours a day listening to music while being creative, and I usually sit in silence or conversation instead. On Sunday, after she worked, we went for a walk. She only hesitantly held my hand and walked much faster than one would normally during a pleasure walk. When we returned to the house, she smoked a cigarette. This is significant because, when we started dating, I insisted that she quit and she had. She knew it"d really bother me.
On Monday, I spoke with Karen"s Mother. Karen"s Mother met with her, then spoke with me. Her mother listened to both sides and said we should all get together. We did, and she tried to mediate the situation. I informed Karen that I understood her concerns and what had been bothering her, and I"d work to try and shift my priorities around to make the relationship work again. We agreed that we"d take 3 months and see if we could make things work like they had previously, and we"d either mutually stay together or mutually break up. (I know I came off as weak during this but it"s because I was happy with our situation up until recently, and it just seemed like one of the natural relationship ups-and-downs down periods). Regardless, her mother left and we went in the other room and cuddled in bed. I thanked her for forgiving me and being willing to try and work it out. She responded, "I"d do anything for you." We made plans to go away for the weekend.
Tuesday, our work schedules were such that I wasn"t able to see her before I went to bed. When she did come to bed and I woke up slightly and attempted to cuddle her, she pulled away. I fell back asleep. After work that day, I came home and asked her to come to the park for a walk with me. She interrupted and explained that she didn"t think any of this was going to work. She explained that still loved me but didn"t feel like she was in love with me anymore. She said that she didn"t see any way that those feelings would come back. She gave me back her engagement ring and told me she had plans to eat dinner with her dad. I told her she"d better pack a few days worth of clothes and whatnot, because I didn"t want to see her again that night.
A day or two passes, and she comes back to pick up some stuff and talk to me. She"s staying in one of her father"s rental properties again. She tells me she"s not interested in dating anyone right now, and that it"s making her happy to be alone and not feel obligations toward anyone. She also says she doesn"t think she believes in marriage or relationships in a "forever" sense anymore, since she"d been so sure about us before. She also talked to me about possibly getting a tattoo (which she wouldn"t have before, because I don"t really like them). I"ve expressed to her that I"m sorry about how I took her for granted and also told her that I"m deeply disappointed in her for basically blindsiding me with the breakup and being unwilling to try and work things out. We"ve talked about how relationships are work and I"ve told her that I don"t think it was right for her to simply stop putting in any effort and dump it on me.
Since then, we"ve hung out twice (once at her request, once at mine). The time that was at her request, she came over and started crying and we both got emotional talking about us, the past, and the present. No real revelations came of this night. The second time, we played chess and talked about what was happening in our lives. This night, I learned that she still thinks I"m cute and she still loves me, but she"s trying not to think of me in a sexual way.
Anyway, that"s the backstory. Since then, I"ve done a retarded amount of thinking about our situation and how I should be acting. I"m still in love with her, and I have cravings to call her and spill it all, but I know that"s not the right thing to do. I"m sure she still knows how much I want to be with her, but I"ve put it on her to call me; we haven"t spoken in 9 days and we"ve been broken up for a month. It might have been a bad idea to leave it up to her to call me, because I told her point blank that I wasn"t sure if it was a good idea for us to hang out anymore, but I know that persuing her would just push her away more, and that you never miss something that you still have. I have a hard time keeping her out of my head, and I have dreams about her most nights.
Somewhat random thoughts/points:
- We were dating from the time she was 18 until the time she was 21. She hasn"t had a real "party phase" of her life.
- Throughout most of our relationship, we had the same life goals and ideas: a house, a marriage, and two kids. Recently she said she doesn"t want to have kids for quite a while (which is fine by me, but she never mentioned it before the breakup, and I think she thought it was a bigger deal than it is).
- I have concerns that this might be one of those situations where if this was a few years later in her life, we"d be together still.
- Initially, I came up with 2 options: 1. Go out with her and show her how much fun we have together and hope it reignites the relationship or 2. Stop seeing her and being available until she misses me/the relationship. Clearly, I"ve recently gone with the latter.
- I"m trying to get myself okay with the fact that she might need to date someone shitty if she"s ever going to miss what we had
- I"m trying to get myself okay with the fact that we might never get back together
- Karen never talked to her friends or family before breaking up with me, and she said it was because she "wanted the decision to be my[her] own."
tl;dr: My fiance of 3.5 years loved me until I was able to provide for her
brekk
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Bingo.SporkFood said:
I had a friend who started dating a girl his sophomore year of college, she was a freshmen. Dated through college, madly in love, he graduated with an Engineering degree and got a good job for a large company. The sort of job you keep for life. They talked about engagements, settling down, and looking for a house.
Then the girl just freaked and ran, broke up with him, cut him off. Her family didn"t understand they loved the guy to, and couldn"t wait for them to start a family together.
At 21 it"s too early for someone to be engaged. If you haven"t experienced being alone, partying/being social, being with multiple partners, you"re not ready to be married.
brekk said:
Going to echo this. My fiancee was my high school sweetheart and at about year 2 in college we both decided that it was better off if we spent some time apart. When you start dating that early its hard for either of you to really know yourselves or even appreciate a good, healthy relationship.
We both dated a few people and after a few years we ended up back together. We never talk about what(or who) we did, the past is the past. We are now engaged and things haven"t been better. To be honest, it was the best decision we ever made for ourselves. Realizing that what we had was more than just "average" has made us really appreciate the relationship we have now.
Ya, its a bit weird/odd/hard at first to leave, but if you are mature about it and step back you will realize that its the right decision.
I say let her go andalso let go of her. My fiancee and I never had plans to get back together.. we both left off pretty much saying "i hope the best for you and maybe in the future we may cross paths again!" i cant say its going to work out for you but i can assure you 100% that if you keep trying to force her to "re-love" you, you will just chase her away and prolong your pain.
Its not going to be easy, but just be a man and push threw. Hopefully you still have some old friends you can hang out with and definitely don"t be afraid to hook up with someone; its probably best if you do. Friends are really important at this stage and getting back in the dating scene will also help you. I know its not what you want to hear, but it is what you need to hear. Anyone else telling you different is a retard and/or a female.
If I had to guess I would imagine that she made you her hobby and that is a dangerous thing. If she doesn"t have her own hobbies than when you are busy she will be bored and start searching for someone else to become her hobby. Some time alone, without you, will allow her to rediscover herself and figure out her likes and dislikes. Maybe she will get a new hobby(like a dog) that will keep her occupied when you are busy. Its not healthy to be so dependent on a person that you can not have "fun" without them.
Yeah, it is really hard. I wish it was more of a mutual decision, but I was ready for a "forever" thing. She never did anything prior to show that she wasn"t... she"d say dorky things like that she hoped when we got old she"d die first so she wouldn"t have to be alone (half jokingly). Unfortunately, at this point, it"s hard to just do a clean cut breakup. She"s got mail coming here and actually theres still a room full of her shit. The last time we did talk was when she came to pick up her sewing machine and she just sat down next to me while I was playing a computer game and we talked for like a half hour. Additionally, her parents and brother want to keep in touch with me.Lenaldo said:
I don"t really think this is accurate, so I likely misexplained part of the situation. It wasn"t that she wasn"t entertained, it was that I wasn"t involved with her hobbies. She"s constantly being creative (sewing, drawing, rearranging shit in the house) or practicing instruments (trying to learn the guitar and violin at the same time) whereas a lot of my downtime is spent at the computer or working around the house. I still get a feeling that I never fully understood how important us sharing hobbies was to her.
I don"t plan on sitting on my hands and waiting, but how long does it take someone to get over the party phase at this point? I know mine was about 2 years.
Thanks for the comments.
Out of the whole post, what I quoted is what most made sense to me, as to what the problem would be.SporkFood said:
My instincts tell me to write: "I can"t believe how people (in this case women) can be so indecisive when making such important decisions in life." Just irks me, but I"m sure I am guilty of doing the same thing at least sometime.
After reading the whole post, in my opinion, this seems to be a typical case of what you mentioned. And thankfully, this usually ends in a happy ending for you, if you play it right. (In my opinion)
How would you do that? We"ll I"m no pro at relationships, but, if you cut off, have a good time, hook up once or twice+ (with other women) and show her your life can go on (somewhat, because I know you"d really be trying hard to do this) and she sees/notices this... It"ll maker her realize what an awesome person she lost.
Wanna improve your chances of this... (Risky) Make sure she hooks up (it sucks I know) with assholes or just one huge asshole, preferably people you could trust to not get hung up on her.
Doing this theres two scenarios. You have to single dating fun, hook up with some random chicks and she (your girl) notices what shes lost and comes back to you in some time.
Or
You have single dating fun, hook up with random chicks, you meet a girl that sweeps you off your feet again and you forget about your, now old girl.
Obviously the first would be best, but I am just trying to be as realistic as possible.
I wish you the best and hope everything turns out favorable for you.
And yes, it is easier said than done, but its better done than said. Keep on trucking man, we"re all (or most) going through "tough" shit.
EDIT:
I"d be willing to wager guys and girls party phases differ greatly, guys being longer?SporkFood said:
However, it really depends on the person: their goals in life, their self consciousness, their surroundings, friends, if they"re career oriented or good at school, responsible, etc...
Patience is a virtue for this type of thing, man. Keep your mind occupied and try to hang out with friends, possibly have some flings. If you really think you could commit to someone and believe that someone should be for you, then taking a break because of that person should benefit you, especially if you guys end back up together. Keep your distance, but also make sure she knows your around, having an ok time. Hopefully you"ll have the opportunity to cross paths and let her know how much she means to you and how everyone else doesn"t make you happy as much as her. Who knows, maybe after she hangs out and parties a bit, you"ll pop into her head in a way that"ll make her realize what she really needs. You.
My girl and I are learning a language together (Japanese) because we plan on going to Japan for our Honeymoon. She also sews and we"ll discuss around the house projects while cuddling (like drapes she"s making). I"ll suggest colors etc., I mean, you live in the house to, you have to have some input on what you"d like it to look like. It isn"t doing them together, really, that girls need. It is talking about them. And it makes them feel like they are contributing in a substantial way to the relationship, because a LOT of the time if the woman isn"t making as much money she"ll feel like she isn"t "earning her keep." Discussing her hobbies with her maintains the friendship your relationship started out as, and discussing how she can use her hobbies to make the house you live in together better is contributing. No matter how many times you a tell a girl not to worry about money, people have a tendency to monetize relationships. Getting married might actually solve that issue.SporkFood said:
This is funny because this is a situation I am going to be in shortly. I"m going to be away from the house a lot and am bringing in the majority of the money atm, though that part is temporary as she should have a job soon. So I"ve put a lot of thought into maintaining that "connection."
ToeMissile
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Lenaldo"s response is right on (except for the hobby part it would seem), nothing more really needs to be said. Vim is sort of in the same vein but I completely disagree with
There"s a lot of (beware touchy feely new-age bs incoming) growing up and "figuring out who you are"/self discovery kind of stuff that happens right around that age and later (pretty much forever but that"s beside the point). Like Lenaldo said, you have to let each other go.
Brad2770
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So, last night I get a random text from my ex-
"I will be going in soon for my consultation with a doctor for breast augmentation"
I really didnt know what to say. I have never thought my ex had horrible tits. They are not big at all, but I always thought they looked nice. Oh well, maybe I will get to try them out. Heh.
She will be going from Smaller than an A to a Large C (I think she said she wanted 325-350cc)
"I will be going in soon for my consultation with a doctor for breast augmentation"
I really didnt know what to say. I have never thought my ex had horrible tits. They are not big at all, but I always thought they looked nice. Oh well, maybe I will get to try them out. Heh.
She will be going from Smaller than an A to a Large C (I think she said she wanted 325-350cc)
This is it. Having been in your situation very recently (except I was the one breaking up), I can"t stress how pervasive of a feeling this is. Your best bet is to do exactly what has already been said: Chalk her up as a lesson learned, forget about her and move on with your life. Your successful, and obviously interesting enough to land a hot girl; she is the one that"s in trouble, even though it might take her a long time (re: years) to figure this out.SporkFood said:
I would also advise you to take up an outdoor hobby (if you don"t already have one). Not only can it be a great way to meet similar minded women, but it will be something that you and her can share and will help to mitigate that desire to just stay home and watch tv, which is really just a slow death for most relationships if don"t have anything else.
Brad2770
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Spork, I was reluctant to read your story because when i initially started to read it (a day or so ago), in the beginning, it started to sound like mine. I knew where it was headed, so I stopped reading it.
Well, I just took the time to read it and it made me sad. i teared up some, actually. Your story is not exactly like mine. You seem to be taking a more mellow approach than I did and that may help you in the future, but for now, I have a few things to say.
Do not be fooled. My ex was exactly as you described "Karen". But what you believe to be true (what she used to be and what she is telling you now) is not true anymore. You can"t believe her and shouldnt believe her anymore. Not right now, anyways.
i cant tell you what you should do because I am surely not a poster child for this type of situation. I believe in making things work (especially when children are involved, which you are lucky enough not to deal with). Nine days with no contact is a great start and you should probably keep it as such. Another good step would be to get all of her things into a Uhaul truck, move it into a storage unit and take her parents the keys. If the friend of hers still lives there, get her out. The friend will only tell her of everything you are doing.
If she wants things to be done, then it needs to be done. No ties. No reasons to come back. With her stuff still in your house, she will always use that as a reason to check up on you, but disguise it as a trip to gather items she needs.
Dammit man, I hate hearing about this kind of shit. I knew reading your story would trash my day and it has pretty much done this.
Well, I just took the time to read it and it made me sad. i teared up some, actually. Your story is not exactly like mine. You seem to be taking a more mellow approach than I did and that may help you in the future, but for now, I have a few things to say.
Do not be fooled. My ex was exactly as you described "Karen". But what you believe to be true (what she used to be and what she is telling you now) is not true anymore. You can"t believe her and shouldnt believe her anymore. Not right now, anyways.
i cant tell you what you should do because I am surely not a poster child for this type of situation. I believe in making things work (especially when children are involved, which you are lucky enough not to deal with). Nine days with no contact is a great start and you should probably keep it as such. Another good step would be to get all of her things into a Uhaul truck, move it into a storage unit and take her parents the keys. If the friend of hers still lives there, get her out. The friend will only tell her of everything you are doing.
If she wants things to be done, then it needs to be done. No ties. No reasons to come back. With her stuff still in your house, she will always use that as a reason to check up on you, but disguise it as a trip to gather items she needs.
Dammit man, I hate hearing about this kind of shit. I knew reading your story would trash my day and it has pretty much done this.
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Man, +1 to that.. avoided it then finally read it and was like fuck. They definately arent the same, I"ve realized that, in few days it"ll be two months and I talked to my ex last saturday for first time in month just about, idk, didnt help at all and just set me back emotionally. Brad"s got it all dead on, then again yeah we"re no poster boys, I dont exactly follow everyones advice or even my own, I also believe in making things work but just comes a point where its their decision not yours. I never like to feel like I didnt give it my all or try this idea out or that, just so looking back I dont regret anything.Brad2770 said:
Spork, I had something very similar happen to me. I dated a girl for two and a half years and broke up with her two years ago. She was the best girlfriend I ever had but I would always tell my buddies I would never attach myself to her long term because of her lack of responsibility and a few other things. Shortly after we broke up we began dating again pretty much but always just called each other friends. For the past two years I hooked up with 3 other chicks and was always looking for something better but still spent most of my time with her as it is hard to pass up guaranteed pussy. Back in March I started getting less sex and she was not blowing up my phone as usual so I figured she was fucking someone else and I started dating a new chick. In April she started calling me wanting to hang out a ton again and I figured the new dude kicked her to the curb and she was running back to me which is exactly what happened.
I hooked up with her a few more times after that and now she is dating a new dude. I know the feeling you are having sucks as I have been there. Where my case is different is I liked having her as a girlfriend but knew I could never marry her so maybe it was not as painful to me. The only advice I can give you is to just focus on yourself and get out there and meet new women. If she is just wanting to go through a party phase or whatever she may come around but only if you can go about your own life and have no need for her.
I hooked up with her a few more times after that and now she is dating a new dude. I know the feeling you are having sucks as I have been there. Where my case is different is I liked having her as a girlfriend but knew I could never marry her so maybe it was not as painful to me. The only advice I can give you is to just focus on yourself and get out there and meet new women. If she is just wanting to go through a party phase or whatever she may come around but only if you can go about your own life and have no need for her.