Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Even if she's not up to counseling, you should still go yourself. If you're serious about wanting to work on the relationship put the work into it for a bit, if there's no trying from her it will tell you what you need to do.

If sex means nothing to her she won't mind you fucking someone else then!

You may not have had sex in 18 months but she probably has.

wantonsoup_sl said:

If sex means nothing to her she won't mind you fucking someone else then!

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I basically had this conversation with my wife a few weeks ago. We were on a vacation in San Francisco for her sisters wedding. It was the first time in almost 4 years that we would have more than just one night without little people. Surely I should be getting laid ever day for the 7 days we are out there.

We get checked into our hotel and unpack a few things and I go for it and get shut down. There is just so much to see and do we need to get moving. Then we get out of our hotel room and she wants to know where do I want to go and what do I want to see. I sort of lose it and call bs on the no sex.

Without going into great detail I told her I didn't think it was fair that she got to regulate my sexual well being. That I could find a fwb type of thing and I wouldn't bother her for sex. A win win right?! She called it cheating and I countered that it wasn't If one person wasn't interested.

We walked around in silence for the next hour and suddenly she couldn't keep her hands off me. I told her I would pass on the pity sex and it took all my might to keep that up. I blew off all of her advances for the evening. We finally had sex the next morning and she apologized saying that she never realized how much it hurt to be turned down repeatedly for sex.

We ended up having quite a bit of sex that entire week and it's so far kept up in the weeks since we got back. It's only been about 3 weeks since this happened so who knows how long it will last but it's been nice and my wife admitted that having more sex has made her crave it even more.

Arinath, your wife already asked if you were going to rape her, I honestly think that telling her you're gonna fuck someone else at this juncture wouldn't be a big deal. She is checked out physically. If she gets mad about it then she's a liar about not wanting it in the first place.

Lithose_sl said:

Wow, that, for me, is a big red flag. If she's essentially stating the only thing that's going to get her back in bed is rape, her mind is really afield. No one in a marriage, who really loves the other person, should be so against compromise that they feel the only way they will do something is essentially forced by violence. Marriage is about intimacy, and even if she's not super excited about sex itself, she SHOULD be excited about making you happy. And that's the big thing; if she can no longer engage in something, even if its just for her partners happiness, because her partners happiness means so little to her? That is the issue.

I've had sex with my wife when I wasn't fully in the mood (It was enjoyable, I was just not in the right state of mind--but she wanted to, and it made me happy to make her happy.)...And my wife has also done that for me. Relationships are built off these things, it's not all about what YOU get out of the act--if you love your partner, part of it must be about what THEY get out of the act. If she can no longer find it in her to derive happiness from helping you? Then something is wrong.

I would ask her to talk to a doctor honestly...if you had a healthy sex life before, and things went off a cliff, it might be medical. So, rule that out before you push her on the emotional aspect of it.

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Yea, seems like she's checked out.

Arinath, I don't mean to lack empathy, but are you sure she didn't just consider you a support unit before? The actions by her alone make it seem that way but combine with the fact that she needed a father for her kids and all that... Just sucks either way.

My position is this.

When i entered into my marraige i agreed to save sex with one person for the rest of my life. I take that very seriously. But you know what, that vow has a second part to it, if i can not fuck anyone else, i get to fuck you....lets be clear, i am not saying "on demand" or when i say so. But in the general terms, this "only have sex with you thing' only works if i actualy get to have sex with you. If you are not willing to be part of the "I only get to have sex with" you equation, then the whole thing falls apart.

Yep, you've definitely got the language of love on lockdown.

If there's one take away from all this, I think everyone is in agreement not to blame yourself in this circumstance.

Also, you should probably rape your wife. She threw that shit on the table, not you. Let's see what she's made of.

Make sure to record it so you can relive the magic over and over again. Preferably every year on your anniversary.

An update:

First, thanks to everyone who replied with helpful/insightful comments. I really appreciated it and it reminded me of why I have been a lurker here and at Fires of Heaven for 13 years.

So, after some serious soul-searching I decided to have another talk with the missus last night. The funny thing is, right after she got home from work she initiated the conversation. We have been planning a trip for December and she said "should we book these tickets if we're going to divorce?" So the talk I had planned for after dinner happened right away.

Basically I came at things in a less aggressive way, trying to see past my own hurt and feelings of rejection and see things from her side. Usually I am very good at this but I admit no sex and its associated physical intimacy had me very bitter and the first conversation from Monday was probably more hostile than I thought it was. Turns out she had been feeling disconnected for a while AND hormonal and cornered after my confronting her on Monday morning. We had the best talk we've had in years about our relationship - I manned up on a few issues I'd been avoiding and she came to understand how badly I was taking her physical rejection.

It will take time, but we agreed we want to stay together and get back to where we were in the past. This includes the physical aspect. I don't expect her to jump me in the next few days but I can tell the "no sex" thing will soon be over.

This didn't happen overnight and won't be fixed overnight. I am glad I followed some of the great advice here and that it turned out in about the best possible way. I am a lot wiser now about needing to speak up more often and look at things from more than one (or even two or three) angles.

To anyone else having marital troubles, talk to your spouse. I was dreading the talk all day, thinking I was heading for divorce. Then, about mid-afternoon, I realized that was ridiculous - I have been best friends with this person for the past 18 years. And that if she wouldn't talk to me and be receptive I'd have my answer. So I was relaxed and honest and non-confrontational and it paid off.

Its going to be a bit of a rough road turning the ship around, but I am confident it will happen. Thanks again for listening.

Just curious - what things were you avoiding?

Good to hear my man.

I'm a little worried that she keeps initiating conversations with "so are we getting divorced?"

Itlan_sl said:

Just curious - what things were you avoiding?

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Mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, watching rom-coms, and nodding in agreement.

Am I close?

There were some issues with one of the kids, and yes, being involved in her interests more. I know, it sounds incredibly cliche, but I have been a bit of a vacant husband in too many areas. The ironic thing is, a large part of that over the past 18 months was because I wasn't getting laid. Cause and effect.....and a vicious cycle. We talked about that too.

SHE was very upset about a potential divorce, maybe feeling worse about it then I was, which is why she led with that last night. Details: We both make very good money so it wasn't a "I can't survive without him" situation. She just didn't want to split, like me.

She DID say no anal after telling me getting laid regularly would start happening again in the very near future. So I guess you can't have everything.....but then, we hadn't done anal in 10 years so I wasn't expecting it anyway.

Basically, this was as huge communication breakdown and both of us being a bit ass-holish. Believe me, I'm not keeping quiet about major problems anymore.

Arinath_sl said:

She DID say no anal after telling me getting laid regularly would start happening again in the very near future. So I guess you can't have everything.....

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Don't give up on your dreams so easily. It's never too late.

I really enjoy your wife's bluntness. So you're gonna rape me? Should we buy these tickets since we're getting divorced? Fine, I'll fuck you, but no anal.

I feel like she's always 30 steps ahead of you, and thinks you're some sort of predatory monster apparently.