Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Cad_sl said:

Lets face it, sex is really nothing but rubbing sensitive parts of our bodies together. If you feel no connection to the person (assuming you are sexually compatible with them, i.e. not bromance), you won't want sex.

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Then explain to me why I want to fuck 50% of the women I meet from the second I see them.

Some of them are even kinda fat. And I still want to sex them up.

EDIT: Now that I think about it. It might be closer to like 90%.

Cad_sl said:

You're a shallow and self centered person?

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Uhh... or sex feels good and I like to feel good? Also, wouldn't the "some of them are even fat" line disqualify the shallow part? Stop trying to make waves Cad.

You should really just voice your concerns and then do what you need to do after that. It sounds like you have, but you really need to hammer it in how important it is to you. A lot of women view sex differently than men.

If she's not going to have sex with you, maybe she'll let you have sex with other people. If she doesn't allow that, then maybe it's time to move on, unless you think you can maintain being miserable. I can't say for sure my sex life will be great the rest of my life, but there's no way I'm going 2 years without having sex unless there is some insane medical issue with her or I.

Arinath_sl said:

Anyway, thanks for listening if you're still here fellow ReRollers. I guess its a sign of how hurt and desperate I am that I am really going to hit the button to post this. I think its time to call some family and see if anyone can help.

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Tell her the truth: that this situation isn't working for you, and the two of you need to go to counseling. You two can work through the issue and either start having sex or find a compromise (which I assume would be that you're free to discreetly pursue sex outside the marriage). If no compromise or fix can be found through counseling, then.... well, either live your life in platonic misery or try for the most amicable split possible, I guess?

Also, don't blame yourself so much. This sounds jacked up and you've been more patient than I would have been. And I have relatively low drive.

Noodleface_sl said:

but there's no way I'm going 2 years without having sex unless there is some insane medical issue with her or I.

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For real. You may as well just be single and play video games 24/7 at that point.

Cad_sl said:

Of course sex feels good. In other news, sky is blue, water is wet.

But sex feels 1000% better with someone you care about, and someone who cares about you. Random, casual, meaningless sex with someone you don't care about and doesn't care about you is just blah.

Which is why I say you're shallow and self centered, because you probably haven't ever gotten over that hump and opened up to someone enough to realize the truth of what I'm saying, so you just see sex = sex.

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Good grief Charlie Brown. I'm not going to get into this argument with you. Especially since you just admonished me for being a dick to an alcoholic but you're blindly attacking me because I made a joke about how attractive I find a wide variety of women and how high my libido is.

Khane_sl said:

For real. You may as well just be single and play video games 24/7 at that point.

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That might work for awhile you know.. Oh, we aren't having sex? Well I'll be in the office all night, make sure you eat dinner or whatever

I support that decision Khane

I've just decided I'm going to take the LSATs

What kinds of things do the two of you do for fun (as couple or solo), how do you spend your free time, etc?

Arinath_sl said:

Well, you can probably guess what happened. Lots of no sex. Yesterday (yes, 18 months of no sex) I realized nothing would change if I continued to suffer in silence. I tried to talk to her. I told her how important physical intimacy is to me, and hell to ANY healthy marriage. She said its not me, but that she "doesn't miss sex." I asked her if we could compromise.She said and I quote "how? Do you want to rape your wife?"

I don't know what to do. In every respect except the physical, this woman is my soul mate. But she seems perfectly happy to be in a "platonic marriage." I don't want a roommate. I want a wife. She even asked if I was divorcing her. I told her I didn't want to leave her over this. I asked her is she still loves me, and she swears she does. But could someone who actually loves me be this unwilling to do something about my unhappiness? Am I being unreasonable?

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Wow, that, for me, is a big red flag. If she's essentially stating the only thing that's going to get her back in bed is rape, her mind is really afield. No one in a marriage, who really loves the other person, should be so against compromise that they feel the only way they will do something is essentially forced by violence. Marriage is about intimacy, and even if she's not super excited about sex itself, she SHOULD be excited about making you happy. And that's the big thing; if she can no longer engage in something, even if its just for her partners happiness, because her partners happiness means so little to her? That is the issue.

I've had sex with my wife when I wasn't fully in the mood (It was enjoyable, I was just not in the right state of mind--but she wanted to, and it made me happy to make her happy.)...And my wife has also done that for me. Relationships are built off these things, it's not all about what YOU get out of the act--if you love your partner, part of it must be about what THEY get out of the act. If she can no longer find it in her to derive happiness from helping you? Then something is wrong.

I would ask her to talk to a doctor honestly...if you had a healthy sex life before, and things went off a cliff, it might be medical. So, rule that out before you push her on the emotional aspect of it.

Haha, holy shit. I missed that quoted, bold line. That's fucking CRAZY.

Soygen_sl said:

The obvious answer to that question is, "No, I want the go-ahead to fuck your friends."

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"I've been meaning to ask. How's Amy doing? Chuck and her aren't together anymore right?"

won't your face be red if your wife is into rape fantasies

Situations like that I'd be concerned the physical stuff is getting taken care of by someone else or she hasn't been having orgasms and sex just doesn't interest her. Surprising number of woman don't orgasm with their man at the helm doing the old in and out. If you weren't cumming, you'd probably lose interest in sex as well. Another possibility is an endocrine problem but you'd notice other symptoms if that was the case. Fatigue being a big one.

Trying to rekindle intimacy can't be easy after a long hiatus. I wish you the best of luck sir.

Thanks for the replies, even the non-serious ones; I needed a laugh.

She is 45 and I am almost 43, so maybe there are also female hormones at work here too. I am starting to realize this is probably NOT about me, even though it impacts me in a huge way. I am going to try and have another discussion today, about the marriage in general, and she is she'll agree to conseling.