Marriage and the Power of Divorce

hodj · Oct 29, 2016

Blazin said:
Wife told me this morning at breakfast she is thinking she wants to have a hysterectomy. She has endometriosis pretty bad for almost 8 years now, her obgyn wanted to yank it all out years ago when she developed some cysts, but they resolved on their own and her new Dr said she didn't think it was necessary. (at the time, 2008-2009 i think)

Has me kind of stressed because I really dont know what the right course of action is, and whether we have a full grip on side effects/downsides etc. If they take all uterus/ovaries and cervix she is looking at menopause at 39 yrs old. Just to reduce cancer risk I kinda want her to do it but I worry about it "changing" her for the lack of a better word, mood, sex drive etc.

Anyone other old farts out there who have gone through this with their spouse?

39 isn't too far off from onset of menopause naturally anyway, she'll feel much better. And its not "just" reducing cancer risk. Cancer is something you don't want to fuck with. It probably already has many pre cancerous or cancerous cells hanging around inside all that excess tissue as it is. Doesn't take much for that shit to spin wildly out of control, and curing cancer is a lot harder than preventing it.

Which would you rather have, a wife without her uterus, or a corpse?

That's literally the choice you're really faced with here.

TrollfaceDeux · Oct 29, 2016

jihodj said:
39 isn't too far off from onset of menopause naturally anyway, she'll feel much better. And its not "just" reducing cancer risk. Cancer is something you don't want to fuck with. It probably already has many pre cancerous or cancerous cells hanging around inside all that excess tissue as it is. Doesn't take much for that shit to spin wildly out of control, and curing cancer is a lot harder than preventing it.

Which would you rather have, a wife without her uterus, or a corpse?

That's literally the choice you're really faced with here.

But he wouldn't be able to have sex.

hodj · Oct 29, 2016

consensus said:
But he wouldn't be able to have sex.

No you can still have sex the vaginal canal remains intact. A good friend of mine underwent full uterine extraction for ando metriosis couple years ago.

TrollfaceDeux · Oct 29, 2016

jihodj said:
No you can still have sex the vaginal canal remains intact. A good friend of mine underwent full uterine extraction for ando metriosis couple years ago.

He is concerned about her sex drive and shit.
So he wouldn't be able to have sex as often as he would like.

hodj · Oct 29, 2016

If you're putting your sexual desires over your spouse's life I mean it might be time for a divorce.

TrollfaceDeux · Oct 29, 2016

He can have the best of the both worlds ya.

"pls let me have sex with hookers."

trex · Oct 29, 2016

jihodj said:
If you're putting your sexual desires over your spouse's life I mean it might be time for a divorce.

Truth.

I really don't understand the argument of women having low sex drives. Even when I'm 100% not in the mood I lay there and say dirty things. Job done. FFS.

Cad · Oct 29, 2016

jihodj said:
If you're putting your sexual desires over your spouse's life I mean it might be time for a divorce.

I kinda think this is something for the wife to decide for herself, I wouldn't pressure my wife to risk cancer so we can have good sex. If she decided this on her own thats up to her. I think it'd be something I'd try to be as neutral as possible on so that she can make her own decision.

But this does put a relationship in a tough spot. What do you do with monogamy at that point if the wife (or husband) doesn't want or can't provide sex anymore? Is the other person doomed to a sexless existence, or doomed to being a lying, cheating person? Or wife-leaver?

Lenas · Oct 29, 2016

nm scrolled up higher and answered own question

Oblio · Oct 29, 2016

Cad said:
I think it'd be something I'd try to be as neutral as possible on so that she can make her own decision.

Totally different situation, but this is the exact same position I took with my wife when she wanted to get Breast Implants. I supported her either way & made sure it was 100% her choice, going through that process made me realize how little I cared about Breast size.

hodj · Oct 29, 2016

Cad said:
I kinda think this is something for the wife to decide for herself

I mean it goes without saying that the right of a person to choose to undergo any medical procedure is sacrosanct, but as her husband, he should be worried more about her potential of dying of cancer in the not all that far flung future more so than sex, sex drive, personality changes, etc.

Blazin · Oct 29, 2016

Sorry for lack of response to people taking the time to respond to me. My parents had a fire, they are not hurt, but house is a wreck and crazy trying to help with that .

At first glance people overemphasizing the concern about sex, I probably mentioned changes to sex drive etc as a possible side effect , but that is not a strong consideration.

I think evasive surgery should always be be done with caution. I don't want her to lose her natural hormones unless the benefit warrants it.

I am strongly leaning towards her doing it if no other reason than to reduce cancer risk but I don't want to pressure her too much as it's her body and a rather large decision .

I'm hoping when we meet with doctor she says yank it out.

For me there is a difference between a natural fear of change in a 20+ yr relationship and letting that fear control sound logical choices.

Cad · Oct 29, 2016

jihodj said:
I mean it goes without saying that the right of a person to choose to undergo any medical procedure is sacrosanct, but as her husband, he should be worried more about her potential of dying of cancer in the not all that far flung future more so than sex, sex drive, personality changes, etc.

Perhaps, but it also depends what the risk of cancer is and what quality of life you're willing to sacrifice in return for whatever risk you can mitigate. It's not a foregone conclusion that you always do the lowest risk thing, period.

Blazin · Oct 29, 2016

jihodj said:
If you're putting your sexual desires over your spouse's life I mean it might be time for a divorce.

Just saw this one, good lord hodj maybe taking just a tad too far? At no point in any of this will I take anything that I want or desire over what is best for her health. I'll have to go back and micro detail what I said to see what would illicit your response. Maybe just speaking opened ended

My wife likes sex and wants to continue liking sex but we aren't going to risk her life over it.

Lenas · Oct 29, 2016

Blazin said:
I think evasive surgery should always be be done with caution. I don't want her to lose her natural hormones unless the benefit warrants it.

Well for all intensive purposes hormone therapy can probably keep her pretty normal compared to how she is now.

hodj · Oct 29, 2016

Cad said:
Perhaps, but it also depends what the risk of cancer is and what quality of life you're willing to sacrifice in return for whatever risk you can mitigate. It's not a foregone conclusion that you always do the lowest risk thing, period.

Endometriosis is pretty much always resolved by uterine removal. Its pretty standard, like getting breasts removed if you have one of the BRCA genes.

Blazin said:
Just saw this one, good lord hodj maybe taking just a tad too far? At no point in any of this will I take anything that I want or desire over what is best for her health. I'll have to go back and micro detail what I said to see what would illicit your response. Maybe just speaking opened ended

My wife likes sex and wants to continue liking sex but we aren't going to risk her life over it.

Actually, what happened now that I've gone back and looked at it was, first I was reading your post on my phone, and so I read this part

Blazin said:
If they take all uterus/ovaries and cervix she is looking at menopause at 39 yrs old. Just to reduce cancer risk I kinda want her to do it but I worry about it "changing" her for the lack of a better word, mood, sex drive etc.

As if it said this:

"If they take all uterus/ovaries and cervix she is looking at menopause at 39 yrs old Just to reduce cancer risk"

So that's what I was responding to, the idea that you were looking at it like it was "just cancer", and that would have either been clearer to you, or I would have realized the mistake earlier, except when I tried to just quote that part on my phone, it quoted the entire post.

So my bad.

Blazin · Oct 30, 2016

I forgive you, and have told the assassins to stand down .

I'm going to one time this week tell her that I want her to do this while trying not to be to pushy about it. She often needs a little motivation to take action in things.

Brikker · Oct 31, 2016

isn't Blazin the guy who can't orgasm anyway? Seems like a pretty straightforward decision.

Zaara · Oct 31, 2016

So it's getting to that point where we're (Me, mostly) looking for a new apartment/living arrangement. Shit sucks.

Right now we're paying insanely low rent for a third floor apartment. Grandfathered into it, as the landlady also owns my parents' place where they've lived for 25+ years. It hasn't been updated/fixed in years- the one thing they replaced was the carpets before we moved in. Stairway is too narrow to get full-sized appliances and furniture, so we've been stuck with a half-sized stove and whatever Ikea furniture boxes we can manage to shove up the stairs. The insulation is terrible, so it's frigid in the winter and sweltering hot in the summer. Wasn't even particularly hot this summer, but the ambient temperature in our living room would go up to 95+ degrees on days it wasn't overcast/raining.

Problem is our fucking cats. I keep finding places for rent, even across the river out in the burbs, but nobody wants pets. I don't even like the cats all that much; they were introduced into the house as kittens in a shoebox one morning when he found them outside abandoned in the back yard. They're great and all, or whatever, but our next big domestic argument is probably going to be about being forced to live where we are because of two animals. Not looking forward to it. Best part is that he's insisting we find a place that allows dogs. :/

Cad · Oct 31, 2016

Just adopt them out and move where you want. Animals are not humans.

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