Cutlery
Kill All the White People
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Sometimes it's not that simple. Kids and finances make what you think would be an easy decision like that much more complicated.
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Marriage and the Power of Divorce
- Thread starter Grumpus
- Start date
Sometimes it's not that simple. Kids and finances make what you think would be an easy decision like that much more complicated.
Hosix
All labs matter!
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Noodleface is correct.
Divorce is never an easy decision. But fuck being miserable and being with someone you don’t like. That isn’t good for you as a person and eventually your kids will see through the bullshit.
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Cutlery
Kill All the White People
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Sure.
Now, think about your kids suffering as a result. Your kids only being able to spend time with one parent at a time. They don't get mom AND dad tucking them in anymore. They don't get mom AND dad at the dinner table to tell about their day.
If all you're doing is thinking about yourself, then yeah...fuck being unhappy.
But when you think about people other than yourself who haven't done anything to deserve that fate, things get a lot more difficult.
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chaos
Buzzfeed Editor
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Do you really think the kids are better off living in an environment where the spouses dont even like each other? I dont judge one way or the other, people have to make hard choices and hopefully try to do what's best. Doesnt seem like that's really beneficial to kids beyond the convenience factor, and can only last so long before one parent, at least, blows it up.
alavaz
Trakanon Raider
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If they get all that AND you and your wife hate each other then sure, keep it up.
Cutlery
Kill All the White People
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They did. For a long time.
You can live with someone you don't like. Quite easily. You can fuck someone you dont like. You can definitely be married to them.
The point is that it's not always about you. There are times where your personal happiness is a fragment of the big picture.
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Noodleface
A Mod Real Quick
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I can tell you I grew up in a house with parents that didn't like each other and it fucking sucked
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TJT
Mr. Poopybutthole
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I agree 100%. I've never once regretted my relationship with any batshit insane girl. Then I find myself wishing it had gone on longer because god damn. I can tolerate crazy... I have a way harder time tolerating boring.
Bring on the batshit and let's go for a ride. My god damn kryptonite.
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Noodleface
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I had a gf break up with me because we didn't argue enough, she said it felt like I wasn't fighting for her. I assumed she is crazy
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Cutlery
Kill All the White People
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And yet kids who grow up in a 2 parent household outperform single parent kids in every metric.
My parents are still married, and my childhood sucked too.
Hosix
All labs matter!
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Sadly some of us who are divorced didn’t get to make that choice. Coming home to a empty home and divorce papers.
Kids are tough and they can see through bullshit.
Noodleface
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Yeah I had a step dad. I make more money than anyone I know and earned a nice STEM degree
This is because "single parent households" includes deadbeat dads, people who made shit choices and procreated with addicts and psychos, etc. The outcomes are not nearly as dramatic for otherwise put-together and reasonable divorced couples who are both trying to be good parents.
Divorce is a very hard situation on which to get good data and there is never a control case in the experiment. Anecdotally, I have one friend who was obviously damaged by his parent's toxic separation (but his mom was an aggressive nutjob to start with), and another whose life improved dramatically when his parents separated and stopped subjecting him to constant arguments at home. The variability of outcomes is so huge and so dependent on the individuals that you can't usefully infer much about specific people based on population averages.
Sure, a stable nuclear family is more or less unilaterally preferable to a separated one. But is that in the cards for two specific people considering divorce? If you're far enough down that road to be considering separation, odds are good that your home environment is fairly toxic already.
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Oblio
Utah
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That answer reeks of someone trying to justify their divorce and fool themselves into believing it won't affect their kids. I have no idea if you are married or single, happy or unhappy, parent or not a parent, but again that answer sounds Middle Management trying to justify their existence. If you have kids and you get divorce YOU fucked up, whether the divorce was your fault or not you chose the the person whose fault it was and that ultimately falls on you. Sure you can make the "best of it" and be a Present Parent with 50% custody and be there 50% of the time. Ask your boss if you can show up 50% of the time and get the same wage/results?
As a committed Father and Husband I cringe inside when I hear shit like this, I feel horrible when I have to work late and miss a bedtime or maybe miss an important conversation. To be a good Parent you have to be selfless 90%+ of the time and maybe that is low. My wife and I take between 2-10 nights per year to ourselves and kids spend those 2-10 nights with Grandma and Grandpa. Those nights with the Grandparents are really important too, its the time where they get spoiled and get a little different perspective outside of their home routine.
I am not trying shit on you C Captain Suave I just strongly disagree with that statement. I had an old boss that lived a few states away from his daughter, he would only see her during Spring Break every year. He would say "you know its not the amount of time I spend with her, its the quality of the time I spend with her." If he wasn't my boss I would have told him he was full of shit.
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Happily married 12 years, two kids for whom I'm more or less the primary caregiver.
I'm just talking about the data. The difference is between the "outside in" vs "inside out" perspectives. The lessons you can take from looking at other people's experiences are dwarfed by the specifics of your own situation. Sometimes, "the best of it" is still bad. I am not trying to justify the kind of situation you describe with your boss. Living in a different state from your kids is an affirmative choice, and the wrong one, IMO.
As a matter of personal responsibility, I totally agree. You shouldn't procreate without being damn sure that you and your partner make a good long-term team. Once you've done that, you do what it takes to finish the job right. However, if you find yourself considering divorce it's self-evident you've fucked up. "Don't make bad choices before you start" isn't an option at that point, and all you can do is maximize within the range of options available to you. If you can reconcile the situation with your partner then you obviously do that. If you literally cannot, however, then what? Dual parenting requires a certain degree of cooperation which, at some point of dysfunction, is not possible for some couples. Yes, we can all agree they screwed up, but those mistakes were made years ago and they still have to find a path forward.
Some people on this thread apparently can't balance a checkbook with their spouse (nothing personal, you guys). I have no idea how kids work in that context.
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LachiusTZ
Rogue Deathwalker Box
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It changes the dynamic.
There are other factors too, I am pretty sure I outlined all that shit years ago when I realized the trajectory I was on.
Its not like we are an old irish couple that literally despise each other. She is happy, and I'm very content.