Cutlery
Kill All the White People
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There is no pain like that of desire
Is there no difference between women and fire?
One burns the spirit, the other the flesh
Is sex worth the price of certain death?
Marriage and the Power of Divorce
- Thread starter Grumpus
- Start date
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There is no pain like that of desire
Is there no difference between women and fire?
One burns the spirit, the other the flesh
Is sex worth the price of certain death?
Koushirou
Log Wizard
- 5,260
- 13,373
I'll be honest, I don't know what to do here. I know I have to rip the band-aid off at some point. Just trying to do it in the least painful way possible.
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Big Phoenix
Pronouns: zie/zhem/zer
- 47,216
- 101,361
Maybe its the experience of being with a hall of fame BPD woman, but I much prefer solitude to randomly detonating nuclear bombs.
Lasch
Trakanon Raider
- 1,536
- 759
I feel somewhat inspired after reading that behemoth of a post by Koushirou. Here’s my story:
My wife and I have been married for 15 years. When we got married, she was relatively normal, but over time, things changed—mentally, socially, and physically.
Early in the marriage, she stopped working. I didn’t mind at first; I make more than enough in the oil and gas industry here in Oklahoma. The deal was that she’d take care of the house and cook. For a while, that arrangement worked. But at some point—honestly, I don’t even remember when—she stopped cleaning and let the house go.
She never wanted kids, so we don’t have to deal with that right now. I’m thankful for that, even though I still want kids. But she would’ve been a terrible mother. A long time ago I realized I’d essentially married my own controlling and nitpicking mother. (And bipolar) She created her little fiefdom at home, rarely leaving except for the occasional store run. She ghosted her friends, literally blocked my family members, and she refused to hang out with my friends.
Now, I’m no saint. Pre-2020, I was the "fat bastard" stereotype: eating because I was sad, and sad because I was eating. I made poor choices, but even when I tried to get healthier, she actively sabotaged me. She’d tell me she was worried I’d leave her if I lost weight. (Foreshadowing) Sometimes she’d text to say dinner was in the trash because it didn’t turn out right, so I’d have to grab food on the way home. As a fat bastard it wasn’t like I needed an excuse to fall off, so I let that slide. Sometimes relieved I could gorge on shit, othertimes frustrated. And she’d lie (or at best just be wrong) about the calories/protein/carbs of meals she made.
Then 2020 happened, and it was clear it was pretty much just fat people dying. That was the turning point. I started cooking all my own meals and doing my own grocery shopping. I couldn’t trust her to stick to what I asked for. She’d bring back way too much of something or the wrong items entirely. So now, on top of managing finances and cleaning, I was fully responsible for my own food.
I rationalized this discrepancy in our relationship by telling myself that, yeah she has her faults - but when I need someone to have my back, she is going to be there for me.
Fast forward a few years: I’m in the best shape of my life. Lifting, bootcamps, yoga, cycling, running, you name it. I weigh less than I did even in middle school. Strongest I've ever been. Faster.... everything. (Tangent - Going from disgusted looks, to being looked through/ignored, to getting attention, hell twice this week being flirted with in cycle has been quite the transition) Meanwhile, she’s rotting, sitting around reading books and watching YouTube. But at least I have someone there for me when I need it.
This last summer shattered that lie.
One night, I overcooked a steak and ended up with a huge dry chunk lodged in my throat. I couldn’t breathe. I panicked - I’m not Foler, I’ve never chocked on something big before. I stood up wondering what the fuck a person does to get food unstuck from their throat. I couldn't call 911. I knew what to do for someone else…But for myself? What an embarrassing way to fucking die. I tried to Heimlich myself using my arms and then a couch arm, but neither worked - couch is too soft. Entire timing I was wondering how long I had before I blacked out. And what a shitty stat to be added to - fucking choked on a poorly cooked steak. I then went to the kitchen counter and was thankfully able to use it to dislodge the food enough to get a breath and then finally out. The whole time, she just sat there, frozen, wide-eyed, watching me. No attempt to help. No call to 911. She said she knew exactly what was happening when I stood up.
Do I have someone there for me when I need it?
A couple of months later, I got food poisoning at a fundraiser after eating fucking shrimp. For two days, I couldn’t hold down anything. I couldn’t even walk without holding onto the walls, else I'd fall to the ground. I asked her to pick up Imodium from the store, since my system clearly wasn't stopping with the purge.
Her response? “I can’t; I didn’t sleep well last night.” I ended up ordering it from Amazon, waiting an extra day for that to show up. That’s when I finally accepted it: I can’t rely on her for anything. Either from lack of caring or too useless.
I hate confrontation, but I knew I was done. I also knew she has no one, no ability to operate in society, nothing… but that is her problem. I started telling friends and family I was planning to get a divorce. A few weeks later, I told them I’d already talked to her about it. Truthfully, I hadn’t yet. It took me another month to finally have that conversation. (I already said I have my own issues.)
Now, the divorce is imminent. Sorting everything out took a little time, but it’s been smooth enough —probably because I’m basically giving her a fortune to leave. (I am not sure how this would work if I wasn’t well off. Good luck, Ko)
Everything is settled - have a meeting with a lawyer next week.
It’s easily the best decision I’ve ever made. And not doing it earlier just shows how much I like to create lies to comfort myself. And just how pathetic I was. Am? /shrug
TLDR: get to the gym.
My wife and I have been married for 15 years. When we got married, she was relatively normal, but over time, things changed—mentally, socially, and physically.
Early in the marriage, she stopped working. I didn’t mind at first; I make more than enough in the oil and gas industry here in Oklahoma. The deal was that she’d take care of the house and cook. For a while, that arrangement worked. But at some point—honestly, I don’t even remember when—she stopped cleaning and let the house go.
She never wanted kids, so we don’t have to deal with that right now. I’m thankful for that, even though I still want kids. But she would’ve been a terrible mother. A long time ago I realized I’d essentially married my own controlling and nitpicking mother. (And bipolar) She created her little fiefdom at home, rarely leaving except for the occasional store run. She ghosted her friends, literally blocked my family members, and she refused to hang out with my friends.
Now, I’m no saint. Pre-2020, I was the "fat bastard" stereotype: eating because I was sad, and sad because I was eating. I made poor choices, but even when I tried to get healthier, she actively sabotaged me. She’d tell me she was worried I’d leave her if I lost weight. (Foreshadowing) Sometimes she’d text to say dinner was in the trash because it didn’t turn out right, so I’d have to grab food on the way home. As a fat bastard it wasn’t like I needed an excuse to fall off, so I let that slide. Sometimes relieved I could gorge on shit, othertimes frustrated. And she’d lie (or at best just be wrong) about the calories/protein/carbs of meals she made.
Then 2020 happened, and it was clear it was pretty much just fat people dying. That was the turning point. I started cooking all my own meals and doing my own grocery shopping. I couldn’t trust her to stick to what I asked for. She’d bring back way too much of something or the wrong items entirely. So now, on top of managing finances and cleaning, I was fully responsible for my own food.
I rationalized this discrepancy in our relationship by telling myself that, yeah she has her faults - but when I need someone to have my back, she is going to be there for me.
Fast forward a few years: I’m in the best shape of my life. Lifting, bootcamps, yoga, cycling, running, you name it. I weigh less than I did even in middle school. Strongest I've ever been. Faster.... everything. (Tangent - Going from disgusted looks, to being looked through/ignored, to getting attention, hell twice this week being flirted with in cycle has been quite the transition) Meanwhile, she’s rotting, sitting around reading books and watching YouTube. But at least I have someone there for me when I need it.
This last summer shattered that lie.
One night, I overcooked a steak and ended up with a huge dry chunk lodged in my throat. I couldn’t breathe. I panicked - I’m not Foler, I’ve never chocked on something big before. I stood up wondering what the fuck a person does to get food unstuck from their throat. I couldn't call 911. I knew what to do for someone else…But for myself? What an embarrassing way to fucking die. I tried to Heimlich myself using my arms and then a couch arm, but neither worked - couch is too soft. Entire timing I was wondering how long I had before I blacked out. And what a shitty stat to be added to - fucking choked on a poorly cooked steak. I then went to the kitchen counter and was thankfully able to use it to dislodge the food enough to get a breath and then finally out. The whole time, she just sat there, frozen, wide-eyed, watching me. No attempt to help. No call to 911. She said she knew exactly what was happening when I stood up.
Do I have someone there for me when I need it?
A couple of months later, I got food poisoning at a fundraiser after eating fucking shrimp. For two days, I couldn’t hold down anything. I couldn’t even walk without holding onto the walls, else I'd fall to the ground. I asked her to pick up Imodium from the store, since my system clearly wasn't stopping with the purge.
Her response? “I can’t; I didn’t sleep well last night.” I ended up ordering it from Amazon, waiting an extra day for that to show up. That’s when I finally accepted it: I can’t rely on her for anything. Either from lack of caring or too useless.
I hate confrontation, but I knew I was done. I also knew she has no one, no ability to operate in society, nothing… but that is her problem. I started telling friends and family I was planning to get a divorce. A few weeks later, I told them I’d already talked to her about it. Truthfully, I hadn’t yet. It took me another month to finally have that conversation. (I already said I have my own issues.)
Now, the divorce is imminent. Sorting everything out took a little time, but it’s been smooth enough —probably because I’m basically giving her a fortune to leave. (I am not sure how this would work if I wasn’t well off. Good luck, Ko)
Everything is settled - have a meeting with a lawyer next week.
It’s easily the best decision I’ve ever made. And not doing it earlier just shows how much I like to create lies to comfort myself. And just how pathetic I was. Am? /shrug
TLDR: get to the gym.
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Gurgeh
Silver Baronet of the Realm
- 4,921
- 13,486
Stay at home mother, great. Stay at home wife with no kid? Disaster bound to happen.
- 2
Koushirou
Log Wizard
- 5,260
- 13,373
This reminds me of something that happened to me. I had made ramen for us, one night, and one of the toppings I'd sometime use was some hot chili oil. Not sure what the hell happened that time, but I don't know if a chili flake got lodged somewhere it shouldn't or wtf happened, but I started choking, my throat closed up, I couldn't breathe, etc. And I sat there with my brain going into actual lizard mode just attempting to breathe and getting only the tiniest stream in in this high pitched little whistle, I couldn't even see anymore, I couldn't even motion for help, nothing. Same thing, he just sat there watching the entire time; didn't even say anything. Eventually when I could move again, he just asked "you good?" Haven't been able to eat spicy foods since then.
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Fucker
Log Wizard
- 13,537
- 31,471
Yeah, none of that sticks. I was dating a woman, we weren't even big into it. She asked if we could move in together, and then said she wanted to take time off to work on herself. Not dating heavy, not married, not anything really, and she already tried to cash the meal ticket.
Stay at home and do yoga and have wine lunches with friends while I burn off 12+ hour days? Yeah, I can't imagine why I didn't jump on that train.
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Control
Bronze Baronet of the Realm
- 3,445
- 9,162
People respond to incentives, and this gives him a giant incentive to never get a job or a place to live... It will go from next week, to next month, to next year. It sucks to say it, but your best path might be to get everything finalized with an agreement to sell the house. Then you both have a hard deadline to find a new place (separately).
Hell, start looking for an upgraded job while you're at it. Would be a great excuse to relocate.
Well, it really depends on the sex.
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Captain Suave
Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
- 5,523
- 9,490
Thirding the point here. He's spent the last ten years of your life clearly demonstrating he's willing to float along indefinitely in the absence of consequences. He's not going to suddenly rouse himself for the sole purpose of ending his current meal ticket.
You don't have to put him on the street tomorrow, but if you're really going to do this pick a date in the reasonable future, set a deadline, and prepare mechanisms to enforce it. You may have to force the sale of the house as part of the divorce. If he can't get his shit together in the time that it takes to go through that legal process, that's on him.
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Cad
scientia potentia est
- 26,320
- 53,813
You gotta put a clock on this, if he can't leave until he gets a job and has some money which is what he hasn't had all this time, it seems obvious he's just going to camp on your dime and try to win you back.
Can he not go stay with his parents or family or something? Go ahead and file for your divorce and get the ball rolling, what happens to the house will be determined in the divorce (don't know if you've already said if the house is your separate property or not). Unfortunately it does not behoove you to leave because that makes it more likely he will be awarded the house (if you even want the house) but he would be required to buy you out of your half of the house.
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Cad
scientia potentia est
- 26,320
- 53,813
Does he do the same for you? Does he try to resolve this issues in the least painful way possible for you?
If not, then don't. You need to match his energy, if he gives you nothing you give him nothing.
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Koushirou
Log Wizard
- 5,260
- 13,373
House was purchased while we were married. All of the financials of it have been done solely by me, but I’m pretty sure his name is in the paperwork for it, in case something ever happened to me. I’m sure the lawyers will figure it out. I’d like to keep it, as I doubt I’ll ever be able to afford a house again with the way things are these days. I’m not sure how much we’d even get for selling it since we only bought it in 2022. And might be a stupid question, but wouldn’t I legally have to evict him if I did kick him out?
His mom and step-dad have no room for him; he’s got no siblings, etc. to stay with. I think the only person who might remotely take him would be his grandmother, but he’d have to get some kind of internet hooked up there.
My parents met up with me yesterday. Tossed me a little extra cash to go open some new bank accounts. Will get that done next week and move my DD and my savings over. I know I’ll probably lose some amount in the divorce, but just to make sure nothing goes missing in the meantime.
His mom and step-dad have no room for him; he’s got no siblings, etc. to stay with. I think the only person who might remotely take him would be his grandmother, but he’d have to get some kind of internet hooked up there.
My parents met up with me yesterday. Tossed me a little extra cash to go open some new bank accounts. Will get that done next week and move my DD and my savings over. I know I’ll probably lose some amount in the divorce, but just to make sure nothing goes missing in the meantime.
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Captain Suave
Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
- 5,523
- 9,490
You can't do that if his name is on the deed, that's why you might have to sell the house if he's unwilling to leave on his own. Divorce proceedings can force the sale so as to divide the marital assets even if one spouse doesn't agree.
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Big Phoenix
Pronouns: zie/zhem/zer
- 47,216
- 101,361
You cant kick someone out if thats their place of residence. If they wont leave willingly you will need to evict them.
Not your problem. You would have thought him having zero extended support network would have made him make sure your guys' marriage works out.
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Captain Suave
Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
- 5,523
- 9,490
Not sure if we're agreeing or not, apologies if so.
As long as now-husband's name stays the deed he will have legal rights to access the property even after divorce, regardless of his residency. If he wants to live at the house there is no legal mechanism to demand he vacate, never mind evict him. A divorce that somehow didn't reassign house ownership just makes him an owner-roommate.
If he's unwilling to leave voluntarily his name must be removed from the deed by Koushirou buying out or being assigned his share (after which he could be evicted). Failing that, the best she can do is to get her equity out by selling the property to a third party as part of the divorce.
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moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
- 24,950
- 46,205
Pain now, or worse pain later? Let your lawyer talk to his, get the paperwork finalized, and give him a date beyond which point you will get eviction started. The marriage is over. He is no longer your problem to solve. Cut him loose, and wish him well, but he needs to be out of your life in order for you to move on.
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Cad
scientia potentia est
- 26,320
- 53,813
The house will be community property. The way divorce works is you add up all assets that are community property and split them in half. If you have $300k in retirement accounts, $500k home equity, and $10k in bank accounts (for example), your marital estate is $810k. He gets $405k of that, you get $405k. You can buy him out of his half of the house by giving him other assets, or taking out an additional loan for that other half so you can purchase his equity.
You'll have to wait until the divorce is settled (not even filed yet, right) to work that out. You guys are both going to be in the house for now unless you are willing to pay for 2 places at once.
You don't need to be nice though, and you don't have to give him the time of day. I recommend you find activities you can do outside the house mostly.
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moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
- 24,950
- 46,205
The courts can remove him as part of the divorce proceedings if he wants to go the route of being a total dick about it. Offering to buy out his portion of the equity is usually all it takes. He gets removed from title and deed and mortgage, gets his payout, then is on his own.
Koushirou
does he make enough to pay the mortgage on his own and buy you out if he wants to force the issue?- 1
Koushirou
Log Wizard
- 5,260
- 13,373
The courts can remove him as part of the divorce proceedings if he wants to go the route of being a total dick about it. Offering to buy out his portion of the equity is usually all it takes. He gets removed from title and deed and mortgage, gets his payout, then is on his own.
No. He’s got no job and he has $500 left. Mortgage is $2150, which is about half of my take home, right now.
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Big Phoenix
Pronouns: zie/zhem/zer
- 47,216
- 101,361
