Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Koushirou said:

No. He’s got no job and he has $500 left. Mortgage is $2150, which is about half of my take home, right now.

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Koushirou said:

We live in WV

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Koushirou said:

feels like I need to make some purchases/pay off some bills with my savings before they evaporate anyway.

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Lasch said:

Spoiler

I feel somewhat inspired after reading that behemoth of a post by Koushirou. Here’s my story:

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. When we got married, she was relatively normal, but over time, things changed—mentally, socially, and physically.

Early in the marriage, she stopped working. I didn’t mind at first; I make more than enough in the oil and gas industry here in Oklahoma. The deal was that she’d take care of the house and cook. For a while, that arrangement worked. But at some point—honestly, I don’t even remember when—she stopped cleaning and let the house go.

She never wanted kids, so we don’t have to deal with that right now. I’m thankful for that, even though I still want kids. But she would’ve been a terrible mother. A long time ago I realized I’d essentially married my own controlling and nitpicking mother. (And bipolar) She created her little fiefdom at home, rarely leaving except for the occasional store run. She ghosted her friends, literally blocked my family members, and she refused to hang out with my friends.

Now, I’m no saint. Pre-2020, I was the "fat bastard" stereotype: eating because I was sad, and sad because I was eating. I made poor choices, but even when I tried to get healthier, she actively sabotaged me. She’d tell me she was worried I’d leave her if I lost weight. (Foreshadowing) Sometimes she’d text to say dinner was in the trash because it didn’t turn out right, so I’d have to grab food on the way home. As a fat bastard it wasn’t like I needed an excuse to fall off, so I let that slide. Sometimes relieved I could gorge on shit, othertimes frustrated. And she’d lie (or at best just be wrong) about the calories/protein/carbs of meals she made.

Then 2020 happened, and it was clear it was pretty much just fat people dying. That was the turning point. I started cooking all my own meals and doing my own grocery shopping. I couldn’t trust her to stick to what I asked for. She’d bring back way too much of something or the wrong items entirely. So now, on top of managing finances and cleaning, I was fully responsible for my own food.
I rationalized this discrepancy in our relationship by telling myself that, yeah she has her faults - but when I need someone to have my back, she is going to be there for me.

Fast forward a few years: I’m in the best shape of my life. Lifting, bootcamps, yoga, cycling, running, you name it. I weigh less than I did even in middle school. Strongest I've ever been. Faster.... everything. (Tangent - Going from disgusted looks, to being looked through/ignored, to getting attention, hell twice this week being flirted with in cycle has been quite the transition) Meanwhile, she’s rotting, sitting around reading books and watching YouTube. But at least I have someone there for me when I need it.

This last summer shattered that lie.

One night, I overcooked a steak and ended up with a huge dry chunk lodged in my throat. I couldn’t breathe. I panicked - I’m not Foler, I’ve never chocked on something big before. I stood up wondering what the fuck a person does to get food unstuck from their throat. I couldn't call 911. I knew what to do for someone else…But for myself? What an embarrassing way to fucking die. I tried to Heimlich myself using my arms and then a couch arm, but neither worked - couch is too soft. Entire timing I was wondering how long I had before I blacked out. And what a shitty stat to be added to - fucking choked on a poorly cooked steak. I then went to the kitchen counter and was thankfully able to use it to dislodge the food enough to get a breath and then finally out. The whole time, she just sat there, frozen, wide-eyed, watching me. No attempt to help. No call to 911. She said she knew exactly what was happening when I stood up.

Do I have someone there for me when I need it?

A couple of months later, I got food poisoning at a fundraiser after eating fucking shrimp. For two days, I couldn’t hold down anything. I couldn’t even walk without holding onto the walls, else I'd fall to the ground. I asked her to pick up Imodium from the store, since my system clearly wasn't stopping with the purge.
Her response? “I can’t; I didn’t sleep well last night.” I ended up ordering it from Amazon, waiting an extra day for that to show up. That’s when I finally accepted it: I can’t rely on her for anything. Either from lack of caring or too useless.

I hate confrontation, but I knew I was done. I also knew she has no one, no ability to operate in society, nothing… but that is her problem. I started telling friends and family I was planning to get a divorce. A few weeks later, I told them I’d already talked to her about it. Truthfully, I hadn’t yet. It took me another month to finally have that conversation. (I already said I have my own issues.)

Now, the divorce is imminent. Sorting everything out took a little time, but it’s been smooth enough —probably because I’m basically giving her a fortune to leave. (I am not sure how this would work if I wasn’t well off. Good luck, Ko)
Everything is settled - have a meeting with a lawyer next week.
It’s easily the best decision I’ve ever made. And not doing it earlier just shows how much I like to create lies to comfort myself. And just how pathetic I was. Am? /shrug

TLDR: get to the gym.

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Captain Suave said:

Not sure if we're agreeing or not, apologies if so.

As long as now-husband's name stays the deed he will have legal rights to access the property even after divorce, regardless of his residency. If he wants to live at the house there is no legal mechanism to demand he vacate, never mind evict him. A divorce that somehow didn't reassign house ownership just makes him an owner-roommate.

If he's unwilling to leave voluntarily his name must be removed from the deed by Koushirou buying out or being assigned his share (after which he could be evicted). Failing that, the best she can do is to get her equity out by selling the property to a third party as part of the divorce.

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Koushirou said:

Married 5 years. We live in WV. Maybe half joking, but feels like I need to make some purchases/pay off some bills with my savings before they evaporate anyway.

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Izo said:

Ey, girl, you want sum fuk? Wait, you're the the dude, possibly. Koushirou this is your chance at a rich oil guy, gogo gadget.

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Cad said:

You'd be surprised how hard it is to hide money these days. I did a divorce for a friend a few years ago and we pulled husband's credit report, got all his bank accounts, subpoenaed all the bank records going back for their 7 year marriage. If you hide cash or keep bitcoin its one thing but if you have any "secret" accounts they are easily found.

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Cad said:

Making good marriage choices seems easier than all that.

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Cad said:

I would definitely go "spend" your savings or whatever you have liquid... say you went to the casino or something, it's gone. Just give it to your mom to hold until this is done. Pull out cash every week and say you've been going to the casino because you feel like your life is falling apart.

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What To Do if Your Spouse Is Recklessly Spending Money Before Your Divorce

If you believe your spouse is planning to or is already spending money in ways that don’t benefit you, you may have grounds for a case. Contact us today.

www.svaheylaw.com

How to Hide Money From a Spouse Legally - 10 Ways

Whether you're planning a surprise or divorce, there are many reasons you might want to learn how to hide money from a spouse legally.

www.couplesfinancialcoach.com

Cad said:

Dissipation could harm you if you were actually spending it; it could come out of your half of the estate. When your money is going to be the entire estate, you might as well try to dissipate it - the worst that can happen is you have to cover half of the amount dissipated (which you would have paid if you didn't dissipate it) but most courts won't find dissipation unless it's extreme, so it's worth a shot.

The other link is good ideas. A lot of this stuff works great when you're in the pocket money type territory but you're not going to hide 6+ figures this way.

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